Andi de Milo

By Czolgolz



Transcript of the food report, Channel 66 news.  Andi Tooheads reporting.

Scene:  The Putucka County fair.  Hundreds of people mill around the usual games, rides, and booths.  Andi is wearing a large T-shirt reading ‘Putucka Street Fair, 200- which, due to her height, leaves her navel exposed.  She’s also wearing her trademark red hat that she always wears on assignment.

Andi:  This is Andi Tooheads, your Channel 12 food reporter, here live at the Putucka County Fair.  I’m here with Brian Pitcher, owner of the ‘Anything Goes Erotic Bakery.’  Thanks for being on our show, Brian.

Brian: Good to be here.

Brian stands in front of a large booth.  Two employees serve ice cream and baked goods behind the counter.  In the back, a large tub of hot fudge bubbles.

Andi:  Brian, you’ve made quite a splash last year with your personalized cakes.

Brian: (laughs)  Well, I owe a lot of my success to Jen Squash.  She was a good sport, what a sweet girl.

Andi: Sweet it right!  She went straight to my thighs.  So what do you have for us today?  Another cake?

Brian: No, I’ve been trying my hand at chocolate sculpture recently.  Look here.  Brian pulls a white cloth off of an object on the table.  It is the head of a young woman in a tiara, rendered in chocolate.

Andi: That’s beautiful!  Who’s the model?

Brian:  This is Jane Frances, the first runner up of the Miss Putucka beauty contest.

Andi:  Is she around?  I’d love to get a shot of her.

Brian:  She’s right here!  You should have been by earlier.  I had to melt down her body before it started to spoil.

Andi:  Looks closer at the head.  If I hadn’t seen what you did to Jen, I wouldn’t have believed it!  Tell me, how exactly does this work?

Brian: Andi, I was hoping you’d ask.  Come this way.  Takes her by the arm.

Andi:  Whoa!  I’m not Jen!

Brian: C’mon, be a sport.  To crowd:  C’mon folks, wouldn’t she look great in chocolate?  Audience cheers, enthused.  What do you say?

Andi:  I, um…One of Brian’s female assistants gently leads Andi behind a screen above which her head and shoulders and visible.  Brian takes her microphone.  As Brian talks, it is obvious the assistant is removing Andi’s clothes, though her hat stays on.  Andi is too flustered to resist.  

Brian:  Cholatification is only five dollars a pound.  Ladies, if you’d like to make your man’s birthday one to remember, forget the sexy lingerie.  Try wearing fudge!  You’ll never look tastier.  Brian stands next to Andi.  While Andi is distracted by the assistant, Brian takes an appreciative look at Andi’s apparently naked body.  From this point on, Brian holds the mike to her mouth when she talks.

Brian: So Andi, what type of chocolate do you prefer?  White?  Fudge?  Dark?

Andi:  Um, dark, I guess.  Now, you’re not going to end up eating me, right?

Brian:  Nods to assistant.  She takes a large drum of liquid chocolate and a brush.  Behind the screen she is apparently coating Andi’s body with the chocolate.
Andi, how tall are you?

Andi:  Um, over six feet.  Hey, that tickles!  Hey, not there!

Brian:  I’d say closer to seven than six.  Has anyone ever called you ‘statuesque’?

Andi:  It beats Amazonian, I guess.  Hey, do you really have to coat those?
The assistant neatly coats Andi’s shoulders.  Her neck and head remain uncovered.

Brian:  Now, if we’ll just wait for you to harden…Turns on overhead lamps.

Andi: Don’t you mean for the chocolate to harden?  Brian?

Brian:  Let’s pose you a little better.  Behind the screen, Brian adjusts Andi’s position

Andi:  Um, Brian, you’re getting a little personal there.  Hey, I can’t move!

Brian:  Looks like you’re hard enough.  The Assistant pulls the screen away.  Andi stands there, nude.  Her body is covered with chocolate.  Though it must be a coating, her navel, chest, and every other detail stands out as clear as it did on her skin.  Andi tries to get a look at herself.

Andi:  This will wash off, right?  I mean, you didn’t change anything about me, right?

Brian:  (To crowd)  Art history time!  Who recognizes this famous statue?

A few people shout guesses

Brian:  Nope.  Maybe this will refresh your memories.  Brian grips Andi by the shoulders.  With a quick movement, he snaps off both her arms at the middle of the biceps.  

Audience:  Venus de Milo!

Andi:  Hey, I need those!  Hey, my arms!  Put those back!  Andi’s eyes are huge.  She looks torn between crying and laughing at her situation.  Brian knocks the arms on the counter  a few times.  They shatter.  Members of the audience begin picking up samples.  Brian eats part of a finger.

Brian:  Just a little realism, Andi.

Andi:  Brian, they’re eating my arms!

Brian:  (to audience)  Is she a good sport or what?  Audience goes wild.  Andi smiles thinly.  

Andi:  So what now?

Brian:  Well, there’s the little matter of my fee.  Normally I’d wave it, but a tall girl like yourself uses a lot of cocoa.  

Andi:  (nervously) How much?

Brian:  Oh, five hundred.  Less the arms, I guess you shouldn’t have to pay for those.  The arms have long since been consumed.

Andi:  Um, can I pay you later?

Brian:  No, but don’t worry.  You can give me a hand with my sales.

Andi:  I think I just gave two.  Brian’s two assistants lift Andi, one by the ankles, one by the shoulders, and place her feet first into the tank of hot fudge.  She sinks to her waist.

Andi:  Hey, c’mon, don’t do this.

Assistant:  Sorry honey, but who do you think would be in the pot if it wasn’t for you?  Brian looks his assistant over appraisingly.  Andi begins to sink into the pot.  The liquid fudge is past her navel.

Andi:  Hey, I’m melting!  Fudge reaches her chest.

Brian:  Of course.  (to camera).  I’ll be here all week.  Stop by and get a free scoop of Andi on your sundae.  Andi’s chocolate body is now liquid.  Her flesh neck begins to go under, though slower.

Andi:  A free scoop?  What do I do now?

Brian:  I believe, the sign off.

Andi:  (sighs).  This is Andi Tooheads, signing off for Channel Twelve.

Brian kisses Andi on the cheek, she smiles.  He sticks his finger in the fudge, which has reached her chin.  He sticks it in front of her lips and she licks it clean.  A few seconds later, her head goes under.  Her hat floats on a bubbling barrel of chocolate.