Cupcake
By Czolgolz
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The mark of a good journalist is the ability to stay ‘rolling,’ even under the most stressful of conditions.  Case in point, Jen Squash, food reporter for Cable Access Channel 66.  Due to her being very overweight, Ms. Squash never had an opportunity to work on network television.  Her performance in this segment, however, was nominated for the Pulitzer.  

Jen:  Hello, this is Jen Squash, of Channel 66 news.  I’m here at the ‘Anything Goes Erotic Bakery.’  With me is Brian Pitcher, owner and head cook.

Brian:  Thank you for coming, Jen.

Jen:  Brian, I understand you have a special new recipe for people who want something a little different in their pastries.

Brian:  That’s right Jen.  We call it ‘Immerse yourself.’

Jen: (looking at various baked goods) I like the sound of that.

Brian:  (laughs)  Well, it’s not what you think.  You’ve seen bakeries that can put your photo on a cake in marzipan, of course.

Jen: Certainly.

Brian:  Well, I go one step further.  I actually put you in the cake, as the main ingredient!  It’s not your image on the cake, it’s really you!

Jen:  So you’re saying you have a much clearer picture than your competitors?

Brian:  Oh no.  I mean it literally, you go in the cake.

Jen:  Like one of those bachelor party cakes where the girl jumps out?

Brian:  Maybe I should show you an example (gestures to table).  This is Cristiane.   (On the table is a large sheet cake.  It shows the image of a young brunette in a bikini, with a rather shocked expression on her face).  Christiane wanted a something a little special for her husband’s birthday.  I suggested a cake with her inside.  I just mixed her into the batter, and viola!  She now tastes as sweet as she looks.

Jen:  She does look sweet (moves as if to take a sample of icing).

Brian: (Stops her)  Careful, I don’t think her husband would like you eating his wife.

Jen:  Are  you trying to tell me that’s really a woman in there?

Brian:  I can see you’re going to need convincing.  Why don’t I make a cake out of you.

Jen:  Well, some might say I’m mostly made of dessert anyway.  But sure.

Brian:  Okay.  First I’m going to have to ask you to disrobe.  

Jen:  Now come on!

Brian:  This is an erotic bakery.

Jen:  This isn’t that kind of show.  The network…hmmm?  (the cameraperson whispers something to Jen).  Oh.  Well.  It seems the network has in fact given the go ahead.  

(Jen’s body is obscured by fuzzy ‘blackout’ image.  Brian helps a nervous Jen disrobe).

Jen:  (faintly)  Wait, don’t walk off with my throat mike.  I need somewhere to clip it to.  (Brian reaches into the obscured area of the screen)  Ouch!  Can you hear me?  Okay.

Brian:  Well Jen, if you’ll follow me into the kitchen.  

(They go to the kitchen, a large white room filled with kitchen utensils, machinery, and a large conveyor belt).

Jen:  Impressive.

Brian:  Now if I could ask you to lay down on the belt here.

Jen:  Um, is this really necessary?

Brian:  I’m afraid so.  Up you go.  (with some effort and help from Brian, Jen lays down.  The belt starts moving).  Now the first step in the process is the sugar glazing.  (Jen passes through a cascade of sugar glaze, which coats her body.  The blackout fades, revealing Jen’s sugar coating)

Jen:  Oh, just like at Krispy Kream.  As you might guess, I’ve eaten there a few times.

Brian:  They make a good product.  Now, if you’ll brace yourself, we need to tenderize you a bit.


Jen: Ten…?  (A large roller descends on the belt.  Jen passes under.  The cameraperson rushes over in time to see Jen emerge from the other side.  She looks unscathed.  Panning back, however, we realize Jen is quite thin now.  She is less than two inches deep, quite a departure from her normal thickness).  Oh my.  We’ll, it beats the gym.  Um, Brian…I can’t seem to move.

Brian:  Well, we can’t have you thrashing around inside the cake.  Don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal.  Now, what flavor of cake would you like to be?

Jen:  Um…sorry, I’m a little stunned here.  Vanilla I guess.

Brian:  Vanilla it is.  (a tube lowers from the ceiling and attaches to Jen’s stomach.  She begins to reinflate).  

Jen:  What’s going on?

Brian:  Just adding your vanilla filling.

Jen:  Oh my.  I feel full.  (the filling stops).

Brian:  And now to make the batter.

Jen:  The batter?  (Jen slides onto a large skillet with a tiny hole in the middle).  Is it getting hot in here?

Brian:  Hot enough to melt a reporter!  (Jen begins to soften and run together.  Under the stove, a stream of flesh colored liquid drains into a large cake pan).

Jen:  Hey, I’m melting here!  Hey!

Brian: Of course you are!  Don’t worry, the fun’s not over yet.  (Jen quickly dissolves down the drain into the pan).  Jen?  Ms. Squash?  (no answer).  Jen?

Jen: (over microphone receiver)  Where am I?  I can’t see.

Brian:  Why, you’re in your pan of course.  

Jen:  My pan?  Hey now…

Brian:  Now it’s time to mix you.

Jen:  Mix me?  Now, you need to stop.  I never agreed to (Brian plunges a large mixer into Jen’s liquid body.  She begins to become even more blended)  Hey that tickles!  (Brian mixes for a while, then removes the mixer and licks the beater).  Hey, don’t do that!

Brian:  Shame on me.  Okay, into the oven with you.

Jen:  Um…this is Jen Squash reporting from the ‘Anything Goes Erotic Bakery.’  While I’m cooking, let’s have a word from our sponsor.

(commercial break.  When we return, Brian is standing next to Jen’s pan.  She’s now a golden brown).

Jen: (very muffled)  This is Jen Squash from Channel 66 news.  For those of you just joining us, I’m here with Brian Pitcher, who has just demonstrated his technique for making pastries out of people.  Wow.  So, am I done?

(Brian sticks a toothpick into Jen and removes it).  

Brian:  All ready.  Let’s ice you (Brian takes out tube of icing and begins decorating Jen).

Jen:  While you’re doing that…brrr, that’s cold…could you tell our audience at home more about your services?

Brian:  Well, for most people, I charge a dollar a pound.

Jen:  Good thing this is a freebie!

Brian:  Trust me, this is my pleasure.  At any rate, what better way to tell someone you love them, then by putting yourself into a gift!  You don’t just have to be a cake either.  The Kappa Epsilon Sorority wanted to do something special for their brother fraternity.  I suggested handmade chocolates.  Yesterday each member of the Gamma Delta fraternity received a large box of special chocolate, made from the sister of their choice.  They ate it up…literally!

Jen:  So how am I doing?

Brian:  Can we pan in here?  Thanks.  (Camera reveals striking image of Jen on top of the cake.  She’s now dressed in her reporter’s clothes).

Jen:  I can’t tell.  How do I look?  

Brian:  As pretty as you did as a person.  I used spun sugar for your hair and cinnamon for your freckles.

Jen:  Ooh, I sound delicious.  I wish I could have a piece of myself.

Brian:  (To camera) Well, Jen can’t enjoy this cake, but you can.  We’re open until 9 tonight.  Anyone who comes in to browse can enjoy a free piece of Jen Squash, your favorite food reporter.

Jen:  I guess I really am a food reporter now.

Brian:  (Slices a piece of Jen and takes a bite.  Cut back to studio).

Anchor:  Save me a piece of that!