The Escape Room

Chapter 1

“Do you think,” said Meg, between another round of giggling, “That we should at least try to keep our hands to    ourselves.”

She looked conspiratorially at the hallway from the waiting area at Mad Science Escapes, then back to Danny. The    Escape Room where their partners were … escaping (or not) was still shut. The room she and Danny had just been in    was still being reset by the employee.

“I don’t know,” said Danny, looking down at himself, “That it would necessarily be any better.”

“Good,” said Meg, sliding a hand along Danny’s inner thigh. “Because this is just so awesome and    scandalous.”

“Yeah,” said Danny, with a laugh. “That’s a good way to — ahh—“

He gasped as Meg’s hand made its progress up his leg.

“Do you think it’s worse,” said Meg, “That we’d get caught feeling each other up—”

She moved her hand up to Danny’s ribs…

“Or,” she added, leaning in and speaking in a stage whisper, “That we have each other’s bodies.”

“I mean Kaitlyn and Andy are both going to be into this—“

“Just pretend though,” said Meg. “Like if we were all just boring straight couples.”

“In a white bread world,” said Danny, “I think having our heads swapped would be the bigger issue.”

“Yeah probably,” agreed Meg. “Like if this was a dumb sitcom, I’d come back to Andy and be like ‘Check it out, I’m a    dude now!’ and he’d go ‘Oh noo, that makes me gay what do I doo—.’”

Danny laughed.

“The other subplot,” he added, “Would be like, Kaitlyn’s first excited about it, but then I’m borrowing her favorite    clothes.”

“Yeah,” said Meg. “And by the end you’re like two granola-obsessed lesbos.”

“Pretty close to that anyway,” said Danny. He adjusted his new boobs experimentally.

Meg leaned back in her chair and spread her legs wide.

“Well,” she said, “It’s been too long since I’ve been a dude.”

“You and Andy don’t…?”

“We’ve only been for real dating for like a month, geez,” said Meg. “I mean, you two are the ones who got us    together—“

“Right,” said Danny. “I just assumed you’d want to you know, switch it up.”

“Well okay, we did swap once at least,” said Meg. “But we’ve been, I don’t know, more into …”

Meg make a up and down gesture with her hands.

“More into what?” said Danny.

“I don’t know the best way to put it,” said Meg.

“You think my delicate feminine sensibilities will be offended?” said Danny.

“Don’t get snarky with me Miss Danny,” said Meg, giving him a playful jab right below the ribs, where she knew he was    the most ticklish.

“Sir please!” said Danny, in a mock falsetto. “I’m not that kind of easy woman!”

“Yes you fucking are,” retorted Meg.

“Fair enough,” returned Danny. “Anyway, what were you getting at. You and Andy.”

“Yeah,” said Meg, looking off to the side. “So we found out how to cast this spell where… when he uh, finishes,    inside me—“

She made a gesture with her hands of fingers expanding outwards.

“I explode,” said Meg.

“Like messy explode or something easy to clean up?”

“We’ve been trying all kinds of stuff,” said Meg. “My favorite is confetti.”

“Interesting,” said Danny, with a smirk. “Such a scandal.”

“Some people are weird about it!” said Meg.

“Maybe you can show me later,” said Danny suggestively.

“Sure, just go down on me and I can blow your fucking head off,” said Meg, grabbing herself between the legs. “Makes    me hard just to picture it.”

Just then there was a noise from across the hallway. The other door had finally opened.

“It’s them! Get scandalous.” said Meg, grabbing Danny’s hand and moving it to her crotch. She followed by sliding her    own hand up Danny’s shirt.

“Right,” said Danny, starting to work his hand up to the waistband of Meg’s jeans.

The door that had just opened slowly swung open wider.

For a moment, nobody came out.

Then Katelyn poked her head around the corner of the door. Only not at the level you’d expect. She was close to the    floor as if she’d had to crawl out.

“Hey,” she said, at the moment unfazed by the sight of Danny and Meg. “We uh, had some trouble.”

She shoved the door open all the way and it became apparent just what the trouble was.

Meg crawled forward, and it was clear why she was on the floor. Her legs — and everything below the waist — was gone.

Behind her stepped out a pair of legs. Andy’s legs.

“Oh shit,” said Meg with a hungry tone.

“Yeah,” said Kaitlyn, “So we both got a little bit cut in half.”

Kaitlyn continued to crawl down the hallway, then turned around to watch her own lower half shuffle forward out of    the door. Followed lastly by Andy, attempting to awkwardly hand walk keeping his waist off the ground.

“Hey,” said Andy, with a look from Meg over to Danny and back again. “We uh… ran out of time.”

“It was Andy’s fault,” said Kaitlyn casually.

Meg and Danny had both stood up to come and help, but stopped at the end of the hallway, looking down at their    partners.

“This,” said Meg, aside to Danny, “Needs a photo.”

She took out her phone and began to get a video.

“Hi half-people,” said Meg. “Wave to the internet!”

“Hi internet!” said Kaitlyn, finishing her army crawl behind her own legs. “I see you two got into some … fun.”

“Yes, it’s true,” said Meg. “We had to … swap our heads. Or bodies, depending on your semantics.”

Meg flexed a bicep, and made a presenting gesture with her other hand.

“This is exciting news,” said Kaitlyn. Her legs walked over next to Meg, who appreciatively put a hand on Kaitlyn’s    ass.

“Although,” added Meg. “It kind of messes up the double-date we had, because my dick isn’t quite sure who I’m    dating…”

“Andy, your thoughts please,” said Kaitlyn, turning around towards him.

“Uh,” said Andy. “I don’t know, this seems … fun?”

“It does seem that way,” said Meg, checking her phone. “I think we do need to get out of here if we’re going to catch    our dinner reservation.”

“Cool,” said Andy. “Do we need to find the staff to you know, put us back together?”

There was a pause as Meg, Kaitlyn, and Danny all exchanged glances.

Then all three of them started laughing.

“You know what,” said Meg, stepping over to Andy’s upper half, then easily leaning over to pick him up under her    arms. “You’re so cute.”

“Thanks,” said Andy, uncertainly. “You’re not going to put us back together are you.”

“Why,” said Meg, planting a kiss on his forehead. “Would I put a perfectly good cut-in-half-boyfriend back together    again? It’d defeat the whole purpose of that boyfriend being cut in half!”

“Okay but,” said Andy, gesturing with a free hand towards his legs. “This is a lot of logistics.”

Meg looked to Danny, then to Kaitlyn down on the floor.

“If it were up to me,” offered Kaitlyn. “I’d just leave our legs in the trunk of Danny’s car.”

Chapter 2

“We’re so much lower down without our butts,” said Kaitlyn, scooting an inch closer to Andy in the booth of the    restaurant. They had just placed their order to an obviously frazzled waitress.

“Yeah,” said Andy, looking up over the table. “It feels like if we had a regular chair sitting at a bar-height    table.”

“We could ask for booster seats,” said Kaitlyn.

“I’m sure I’d never hear the end of it from Meg if we did,” said Andy, with a laugh.

“Well, guess we’ll just half to just deal with it,” said Kaitlyn, elbowing Andy in the side.

“Yeah thanks,” said Andy, with an eye roll. “I sure we need more reminders about being cut in half.”

Kaitlyn knew this was an act. Andy liked being teased — he’d been her side piece before he and Meg started dating.    And Meg, another ‘extracurricular’ of hers and Danny’s delighted in taunting anyone made helpless by magic.

“Hey you two,” said Kaitlyn, with a smirk, turning to peak her head over the table. “Andy says he needs more    reminders that we’re cut in half.”

“That’s not — oh god,” said Andy with a laugh.

“Andy!” said Meg, leaning forward. Her foot swiped under the table towards them. “I keep trying to play footsie with    you but it’s not working.”

“That’s because—“ started Andy.

“What’s going on Andy,” said Meg, with another swipe.

“That’s because I seem to have been cut in half,” said Andy with a fake sigh. He and Meg exchanged a smirk, trying to    keep the bit going.

“You know,” said Meg, folding her two thick arms on the table, and leaning forward with a mock seriousness. “It takes    courage to admit that you’re cut in half, and I admire that in you.”

“Oh come on—“ dismissed Andy. “It’s obvious that—“

“But if I do the math on this,” said Meg, slowing moving her hands over the muscles in her arms, “It would seem that    I’m now twice the man you are.”

“Hey we’re not — We’re still entire people, just cut into two pieces.”

“Well I don’t see the rest of you here so…” Meg made a weighing gesture with her hands.

“That’s because you left our legs in the car,” said Andy.

“Danny,” said Meg. She tapped him on the arm to interrupt him from his phone.

“Mmm?” responded Danny, now leaning forward himself. He and Kaitlyn exchanged a hungry look as she eyed him greedily    in his new female body. He taunted her further, squeezing his boobs together on the table directly across from her.

“I just thought of something,” said Meg. “And that’s that these two—“

She pointed to both Kaitlyn and Andy.

“Both have their legs together in the trunk of your car. Which means that they could be...”

Meg opened her mouth suggestively while making a gesture of one finger through a circle with her hands.

“Except our pants are on,” said Andy.

“We are definitely grinding on each other right now though,” bragged Kaitlyn.

“Hm,” said Andy, “That’s true.”

“Why do you think I suggested the trunk?” said Kaitlyn, adding a smirk.

“They’re cheating on us!” said Meg in a fake whisper to Danny, with an over the top aghast face. “Your wife is    cheating with my boyfriend!”

Danny just laughed and picked up his beer.

“I think the only solution here,” said Meg. “Is to cheat back.”

“Well that seems perfectly fair,” said Kaitlyn. “The only way to fix cheating is more cheating.”

“It seems we’re onto something here,” said Meg.

“I’m on to something. Something called your boyfriend’s dick!” said Kaitlyn, adding some finger guns and a sideways    glance at Andy.

Meg cracked up approvingly.

“Are you two — so you’re better halves have been fooling around in there for like 45 minutes now, are you still at    the frisky point or are you at the horny but can’t escalate so kind of tired point.”

“It’s more the second one,” said Kaitlyn.

“No wonder my half boyfriend Andy is so sexually frustrated,” said Meg, mockingly.

“Hey I’m not—“ started Andy before realizing how self-defeating his protest was. “Fine.”

“It’s okay,” added Meg. “We’ll let you two take care of business when we get home.”

“Not in the trunk please,” said Andy. “Or you two are going to clean it up.”

“We can’t even get our pants off man,” said Kaitlyn. “We’re just legs in there, and you have all that volleyball    stuff in there.”

“I bet you could if you tried,” said Meg.

Kaitlyn and Andy exchanged another conspiratorial glance.

“You did try didn’t you,” said Meg.

“I was able to get my shoes off,” said Andy. “But my foot is kind of stuck.”

“Turns our it’s pretty hard to use feet to unbuckle a belt,” said Meg.

“It would probably be easier if we could see what we were doing,” added Andy.

“Sounds like an interesting challenge for you two later,” said Meg.

Then the waitress arrived with everyone’s food. She seemed as mixed up as ever distributing meals to the situation at    the table, flustered with her pronouns for Danny and Meg, and then leaving mid-sentence after asking if anyone    needed refills.

“Speaking of challenges,” said Kaitlyn. “I want to know how your escape room went, and why my husband is now    my wife.”

Kaitlyn and Danny grinned at each other, as Danny subtly fondled his boobs.

“And I want to hear how you two got cut the fuck half,” said Meg.

“You’ll be excited to know it was Andy’s fault,” said Kaitlyn.

“Andy!” said Meg, stopping to eat a French fry. “Did you get my very good friend Kaitlyn cut in half?”

Andy sighed. “Yeah,” he said.

“Well I want to hear your side of this.”

“Same. Danny. Explain how you became my wife.”

“Okay,” summarized Meg, looking back at Danny. “I guess we’ll go first.”

Chapter 3

Danny was already excited for it. Not only was Meg fun to fool around with, but they’d been talking about trying out    this new escape room — one that combined magic and riddles — for a while now. And so when a double-date was planned,    not only were the end results kind of obvious given the participants, but the escape room seemed like the perfect    opportunity.

It began, like most escape rooms, with a goofy plot intro. In this case, a mad scientist, played by the same girl at    the desk. Her costume consisted of a lab coat, a grey wig, and a completely absurd and vaguely-eastern-european    accent.

“Zank you for the participation and volunteering for science experiment!” said the girl, reading out loud from a    script in front of her. “Zis experiment will look at human problem solving and co-operation abilities. But since is    mad science here, ve first do something very, very, weird to you!”

She handed both of them a metal flexible collar. Danny and Meg were already more than familiar with their function,    but they were both also the types to be more adventurous.

“Please put these on,” said The Scientist. “And have seat here.”

She gestured to two steel chairs, fitted with restraints on the ankles and armrests.

Meg and Danny exchanged a lusty look as she eyed the restraints in the chair.

Even with their history together and two open relationships between them, it’d been a while since they’d last messed    around, and so things were immediately getting frisky.

“Can I lock him up first?” asked Meg, with a suggestive look at The Scientist.

“Da, it is they say of course!” said The Scientist, following the lead. “Zese are for safety of participant, is not    to say, how you say, to worry about them.”

Danny compliantly sat down in the chair and allowed Meg to fasten him in place at the elbows and ankles.

“Now also,” said The Scientist. “Ve do za woman.”

“Of course,” said Meg, with a flirtatious look at The Scientist as she sat down and was locked in place.

“Next, ve removing the heads,” said The Scientist. She clicked a button on Meg’s collar, then…

Removed her head.

“Oh no my head is off,” said Meg, with completely pretend surprise.

“Is wonders of science!” said The Scientist, clearly enjoying that her participants were engaged with the act.

She set Meg’s head on a wheeled steel table, then went over to Danny. He heard the click of the collar and felt the    portal switch on, the feeling of a cold sharp disc slicing through his neck, followed by everything below that going    completely numb.

And then his own head was off his body, just like Meg’s. She placed him next to her on the table.

“Z’okay!” said The Scientist. “Now as zoo can see zoo two are only heads. I go to prepare experiment, back in couple    minute!”

And she left the room.

“This,” said Meg. “Is how every date should start.”

“With an escape room?” said Danny.

“No,” said Meg. “I meant with our heads getting cut off.”

“We do this all the time,” said Danny. “You had me cut off your head the night I met you.”

“I don’t mean just weirdos like us,” said Meg. “I mean everyone. Everyone should do this. Like this situation we’re    in now, this should be every first date.”

“You should get your heads cut off on a first date,” said Danny, skeptically.

“Yes!” said Meg. “I’m serious. Think about it — this situation is perfect first date stuff. You’re attracted to    someone, you’re a little horny already, but you can’d do anything with your horniness because you’re only a head,    and so is the other person. So it’s the perfect way to build the sexual tension, right?”

“What if one of them wants to leave.”

“Maybe… maybe you get a code word and when you use it someone will come return you to your body.”

“You’re really thinking this though,” said Danny.

“This is my new start up idea,” said Meg. “As of right now. The only dating service only for heads.”

“I’m imagining you pitching this on Shark Tank already,” said Danny.

“It’ll be like a guillotine at the entrance, and then we take their heads over to some cute little cubbies together,    and every couple minutes someone comes and pushes you a bit closer together…”

“I’m starting to think this is less about the business model, and more that you just love seeing people’s heads cut    off.”

“Okay, you found me out Danny,” said Meg. “But you have to give it to me that we are nothing but heads right now, and    I’m pretty much thrilled with it.”

“Yeah,” said Danny. “You’re definitely right about that one.”

“Do you remember that time your wife let me take your head on that work trip to Dallas?”

“Yeah how could I forget,” said Danny.

“And you were in my carry-on bag, and the airport lady was like ‘You need a ticket for this guy’ and I said ‘He’s not    a guy, he’s my property’ and they just went ‘Oh okay then.’”

“How could I forget a five hour plane ride inside your bag,” said Danny.

“I made it up to you dude!”

“How?”

“I was a torso in your bed for a week!”

“That was for the Dallas trip? I thought that was for the weekend you took my legs on your road trip.”

“It was for both!” said Meg.

Just then the door opened, and The Scientist returned.

“Okay!” she said excitedly, stopping to theatrically crack her knuckles. “Is all prepare! Now ze is one hour to    complete the challenge, or else ze heads and bodies must stay, how you say, separate!”

She cackled unconvincingly as she picked both of them up again.

“We’re swapping bodies when we nail this thing right,” said Meg.

“Oh most def,” said Danny.

Chapter 4

“So wait,” said Kaitlyn, interrupting the retelling. “You just agreed to switch bodies, and this wasn’t some ‘escape    room gone awry’ result?”

“Yeah,” said Meg with a shrug. “We just asked if we could swap when we finished, and the scientist chick was like ‘Oh    hell yeah,’ and that was it.”

Kaitlyn gave Andy an accusing look.

“What were the challenges?” asked Andy, deflecting the obvious look his way.

“Uh, the first one was like, my head was in one of those claw machines with the prizes and Danny could control the    claw thing, the second one I got like a little Roomba I could cruise around on the floor while Danny was stuck on    the desk, and the third one was …”

She looked at Danny.

“The third one was weird,” said Danny with a laugh.

“The third was was like a meta-escape,” said Meg. She stopped to take a big bite of her sandwich, and then gave a    purposeful burb.

“She took our faces off,” said Danny.

“You know how,” said Meg. “When you’re nothing but a face, you can still kind of like … scrunch around.”

Meg illustrated making big facial expressions, moving her cheeks.

“So we were like in a Rube Goldberg thing that we had to figure out with just our faces in this box. It was neat.”

“My cheeks are still sore,” said Danny.

“Then,” said Meg, with a shrug, “She came and got us, put us back on our awesome switched bodies, and we waited    forever for you two to finish.”

“Ah,” said Andy, looking sheepish. “That makes some sense then.”

“So what happened to you two,” said Meg, leaning forward. “I guess you didn’t ‘win.’”

Chapter 5

Andy was initially skeptical of the plan to go to an escape room just because he’d never been very good at riddles or    puns or word games.

Still, it was Danny and Kaitlyn who’d gotten him together with Meg — and it was also Kaitlyn who first shown him    magic when they first hooked up at music festival. So there was obviously some positive vibes along with his own    uncertainly.

“Okay, so what’s the deal with this one,” said Andy. “It’s got a plot or something right.”

“Something about a robot,” said Kaitlyn. “You can usually figure them out as they go.”

Just then an intercom buzzed with static.

“HU-MANS,” came a voice over the intercom. It sounded less like a computer talking, and more like a person with a    synth effect added. “NOW THAT WE ROBOTS CONTROL THE WORLD, WE WISH TO BETTER UNDERSTAND YOU. YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED    FOR A TEST. PLEASE COMPLY BY ENTERING THE POD.”

“I guess that’s this thing,” said Andy, gesturing towards a large white sphere.

“YES THAT THING,” answered the intercom.

Kaitlyn playfully elbowed Andy out of the way to get inside first. It was essentially only big enough for her.

“I’m in the pod!” said Kaitlyn proudly.

“VERY GOOD,” came the robot on the intercom. “YOUR FIRST QUESTION WILL BE VERY SIMPLE. HOW MANY CELLS MAKE UP YOUR    HU-MAN BODY. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO ANSWER.”

“Uh, a bunch?” said Kaitlyn.

“INCORRECT!” replied the voice. “THAT ANSWER IS VAGUE AND IMPRECISE. YOU HAVE FAILED. THE PENALTY FOR FAILURE IS—“

There was a beeping noise as if something was being calculated.

“ONE ARM AND ONE LEG,” replied the robot. “WE UNDERSTAND THIS TO BE A GREAT DEAL OF VALUE ACCORDING TO YOUR SOCIETY.    ONE OF YOU WILL PAY THIS COST NOW PLEASE.”

“Dibs on paying the cost,” said Kaitlyn.

“Uh, by all means,” said Andy with a shrug.

“VERY GOOD,” said the intercom robot, “PLEASE DEPOSIT YOUR LIMBS IN THE RECEPTACLE.”

“Great,” said Kaitlyn, “Now Andy, we just need to figure out how you can chop me up.”

“Well,” said Andy. “There is this big sign here that says ‘Warning: Lasers.’”

Chapter 6

A few quick lasers later, Kaitlyn had successfully paid the price, and was playfully hopping around with Andy’s    careful assistance.

“EXCELLENT,” crackled the intercom. “NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE NEXT QUESTION. SECOND HUMAN PLEASE ENTER THE POD.”

“Here with go,” said Andy, with a defeated shrug.

“Don’t be so pouty,” said Kaitlyn.

“I’m in the pod now—“ said Andy.

“THANK YOU. NOW PLEASE TELL US THE WEIGHT IN GRAMS OF YOUR BONES IF THEY WERE REMOVED FROM YOUR BODY. YOU HAVE TEN    SECONDS TO ANSWER.”

“I … what kinds of questions are these?”

“THAT ANSWER IS NOT CORRECT. A CORRECT ANSWER WOULD BE A NUMBER AND NOT ANOTHER QUESTION. YOU HAVE FAILED. THE COST    OF THIS FAILURE WILL BE EQUAL TO THE LAST.”

“Well,” said Andy with a smirk. “I guess this means we’ll both be down 2 limbs…”

“Wait,” said Kaitlyn. “Robot— does it matter who’s arm and leg you receive.”

The robot beeped with thought.

“NEGATIVE,” it came back. “AN ARM AND A LEG CAN BE OBTAINED FROM ANY HUMAN FOR THIS PAYMENT. FROM THE POINT OF VIEW    OF A ROBOT, ALL HUMANS ARE INTER CHANGABLE. AND EXPENDABLE.”

“Andy,” said Kaitlyn cheerfully, “This arm and leg are on me.”

“Oh really,” said Andy, with a smirk. “What am I going to owe in return?”

“I’ll let you know,” said Kaitlyn. “But I would bet that we’d be better off in general, with one of us able-bodied    for these next challenges.”

“I guess that makes some amount of sense,” said Andy, climbing out of the pod.

Another quick lasering later, and Kaitlyn’s limbs had been eliminated.

“You know what,” said Kaitlyn as she squirmed on her back. “This reminds me of that camping trip.”

“The one at the lake right?”

“Yep,” said Kaitlyn, with a grin. “And there wasn’t room for me in the car, because Angie’s car was so small, so we    had to leave my arms and legs at home.”

“Yeah,” said Andy. “I remember.”

“And the same thing for her boyfriend Tony, and we had to ride squished together remember?”

“Yep,” said Andy, dropping Kaitlyn’s last arm, then leg in the ‘receptacle’ which appeared to just be a slot in the    wall into a plastic tub with a blanket at the bottom. He

“That was so great,” said Kaitlyn.

“For you two, sure,” said Andy. “Angie and I had to set up all the camping stuff ourselves though.”

“You were handsomely rewarded, as I recall,” said Kaitlyn.

“Yeah, I suppose so,” said Andy. “Hey uh, robot master, what’s next?”

“YOUR PAYMENT IS APPROVED,” crackled the voice. “YOUR NEXT CHALLENGE WILL GIVE YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO RECLAIM WHAT    YOU HAVE LOST.”

“Great,” said Andy. “What’s the next thing.”

“PLEASE PLACE A HUMAN IN THE POD TO CONTINUE.”

“You want me to go Andy?” said Kaitlyn, squirming ineffectively towards the pod.

“Nah,” said Andy. “I’ll do it again, not sure what the point of this thing is.”

“Okay,” said Kaitlyn. “I’ll just uh, be lying around then.”

“Okay, I’m in the pod!” announced Andy.

“EXCELLENT. THE POD WILL NOW CLOSE.”

The pod closed around him. Inside, a number of LED lights came to life.

Andy realized he might have been in one of these before. In fact, he started to recognize that this was just a …

“Is this a transformalizer?” He asked, unsure if Kaitlyn could even hear him.

But then it started to hum. And a moment later was engaged.

Zap. Hiss. And so on.

When the pod was opened again, Andy attempted to sit up. He failed.

“Um,” he said, “Okay.”

“Oh my god Andy!” said Kaitlyn cheerfully. “You’re like me now!”

“Yeah,” said Andy, attempting a second time to rock himself forward.

“Your arms and legs are gone!” said Kaitlyn.

“Right,” said Andy, clearly frustrated. “I’m also aware of that thanks.”

“You are just the cutest boy ever when you’re helpless, you know that right?”

“Thanks,” said Andy, finally leaning back with acceptance.

“Why’d you stop struggling? I love watching you struggle.”

“Robot overlord, what’s the deal?” said Andy.

“WONDER-FUL,” crackled the voice over the speaker. “YOU WILL NOW BE IN A COMPETITION. THE THEME OF THE COMPETITION    WILL BE — A RACE. TO MAKE THE RACE FAIR WE HAVE ELIM-INATED YOUR LIMBS.”

“Oh my god,” muttered Andy, under his breath.

“Where are we racing to?” said Kaitlyn, brightly.

“WE HAVE ACTIVATED A BUTTON ON THE FAR WALL. THE FIRST OF YOU TO PUSH THE BUTTON WILL BE — THE WINNER. STARTING NOW.”

“I can’t even get out of the pod,” complained Andy, attempting again to rock himself forward.

“Sounds like a personal problem, Andy. I’m starting because the robot said to start,” said Kaitlyn. She rocked    herself forward up to balance on her hips. Then she began to rock slightly sideways making forward progress.

“How are you so good at that,” muttered Andy, squirming backwards and finally getting his hips over the edge of the    pod.

“I spent a whole summer without any limbs,” said Kaitlyn. She was already halfway across the room.

“Of course you did,” said Andy.

“It was a gap year after undergrad,” said Kaitlyn. “I was in this co-op farm thing in Argentina. At first it was like    a penalty for losing a game where I had to give up my limbs, but every time I got them back we’d find another reason    to get rid of them.”

“Wait,” said Andy, “Isn’t that also where you met Danny?”

“Sure was,” she said, now approaching the button. She smoothly tipped forward, rocking onto her abs and squirmed the    final six inches to push the button with her nose.

A noise played over the speaker. Kaitlyn rather gracefully rolled over to her back.

“YOU HAVE WON THE RACE. ALTHOUGH YOU ARE THE WINNER WE ARE NOT IMPRESSED. TO US YOU ARE USELESS.”

“Hey now that’s not nice,” said Andy, finally sliding down to a landing on the floor, losing his balance and barely    keeping his face up as he toppled forward.

“What do I win?” said Kaitlyn, ignoring him.

“SINCE YOU ARE THE WINNER WE WILL RETURN YOUR LIMBS TO YOU. THANK YOU FOR PLAYING.”

“Hell yeah,” said Kaitlyn.

Chapter 7

“Wait—“ interrupted Meg, and very obviously adjusting ‘something’ in her pants. “Andy how did you get your limbs    back? And furthermore Kaitlyn, how dare you let him get them back.”

“Well we were getting to that part,” said Kaitlyn, smirking. “But basically the next ‘game’ or whatever was a quiz    about boats or and since Andy’s a HUGE NERD CHEATER, he got his limbs back after that.”

“It was the Ship of Theseus,” said Andy. “It’s a philosophical question about—“

“Nobody cares Andy!” said Kaitlyn stopping to jab him in the ribs. “If you hadn’t won, I’d still have an adorable    limbless boy, and you wouldn’t have gotten us cut in half.”

“Which … how did you do that anyway?”

“Oh the final challenge or whatever was to exit the room and you know, escape. So Andy was like, I’ve got this laser    we’d used, why not try it on the door. And the robot overlord didn’t like it.”

“Andy is that the case?”

“Yeah,” said Andy with a sigh. “Apparently there was a key hidden somewhere and we could use the logic puzzles to get    the robot to tell us where, but uh, yeah. The penalty to improper escape attempts is … another challenge.”

“We had to cut ourselves in half and try to reach a button on the ceiling,” clarified Meg. “Which didn’t go so well.”

“I mean, I think we could have made it if we’d just tried my idea—“ said Andy.

“Maybe I didn’t want your idea to work Andy,” said Kaitlyn, tauntingly. “Did you ever think of that?”

“What was the idea,” probed Meg.

“Basically to try and stack his body back together and use my legs to reach the button,” said Kaitlyn.

“It was worth a shot at least,” said Andy. “You didn’t even let me try it.”

“Well, look—“ said Kaitlyn. “The way I see it, this is the best possible outcome.”

“How’s that?” said Andy.

“Because you’re still cut in half. I mean, what kind of friend would I be to Meg if I let you be get back together    again. If I have to be cut in half too it’s a small price to pay. And it’d be so boring if we just … made it out in    one piece. At least Meg and Danny went all gender-bender.”

“You know,” said Meg. “That gives me this really great idea. WizWorks is still open right?”

“For like another hour, yeah,” said Kaitlyn, checking her phone.

Chapter 8

“Oh my god Meg,” said Kaitlyn. “This is absolutely the best idea ever.”

They were in the waiting area of the WizWorks. The first appointment was now complete and they were waiting on the    second.

“I thought you’d like it. What about you, Andy?”

“It’s really weird,” said Andy, sounding distant and distracted.

“Like I’ve been conjoined with people before, but I’ve never done this one,” said Kaitlyn. “It’s called the ‘Queen’    right?”

“I think so,” said Meg. “Like the playing cards.”

“Oh that makes sense,” said Kaitlyn, grinning down her body towards Andy. “You get it Andy?”

“I guess so,” said Andy, still seeming unable to focus.

“Cause we’re sharing a body dude! We’re a girl-boy now!”

Kaitlyn reached down to their now-shared waist and tried to jab him in the ribs.

“I guess I can’t tickle you like this,” she said. “Cause your body is also my body.”

She enthusiastically squeezed her boobs.

“How do you like our tits,” she said.

“They’re great,” said Andy. “I’m just wondering how we um… digest stuff.”

“What? How come you’re always worried about some irrelevant detail like that.”

“It seems pretty relevant to me,” said Andy. “And also like we can’t feel our legs anymore and—“

“Meg,” said Kaitlyn, cutting him off. “Tell me you’re doing the same thing to our legs.”

“Oh obviously,” said Meg. “That was the main thing I wanted out of this anyway, you two are more of a … side effect.”

“Hey,” said Andy, sounding defensive. “You took our legs aw—“

Andy’s hand suddenly covered his own mouth.

“What the fuck,” he said, moving it aside.

“Got him!” said Kaitlyn, rising up to high five Meg.

“You can control my arms now?” said Andy.

“What you’re surprised about that?” said Kaitlyn. “It’s my body too dude.”

“How come I can’t …” Andy seemed to focus on something.

“Here try it now,” said Kaitlyn, lowering her hands down to rest on her stomach. Her hands rose back up and started    to explore her tits.

“Holy shit,” said Andy. “I’m actually… feeling my own boobs.”

“Sold on this now, huh?” said Kaitlyn.

“Watching you two is so fucking hot I’m going to come in my pants,” said Meg through gritted teeth.

“Hey,” said Danny, now walking up from the back. “I um… their legs are ready but I need…”

He made eye contact with Kaitlyn, then Meg, and grinned.

“I might need a man’s help to get them in the car,” he said.

Meg leaned over and kissed Andy on the cheek.

“This,” she said, as she rose to her feet. “Is going to be a memorable night.”