The Headless Hookup is Here to Stay

By Carie Mitherson, Assistant Editor, Body Magic @ Heretic Media

We’ve all had quite the year, haven’t we? A global pandemic is very, well, global, so I know (and you know) that we don’t need to go into the weeds on what COVID was like more broadly. We all lived it.

But what we at the Heretic Media team wanted to do was, after numerous takes on what kinds of body magic went on during lockdowns and quarantines, take a look at what’s the world of body magic going to look like going forward. What trends, shaped by COVID or otherwise, are still going to persist now that things seem increasingly back to normal.

We had a lot of suggestions out there on Twitter & elsewhere.

Obviously one of the more memorable ones was the rise of the HoloHead. After all, a HoloGraphic Head — an expensive and somewhat ridiculous novelty before the pandemic was suddenly and accidentally one of the best ways to protect yourself from an airborne virus without the usual inconvenience of a missing head.

But that was coupled with the knowledge that not everyone out there can spend 20 grand on a new artificial head. And then, the high price dovetailed into a predictable shortage of units (along with everything else it seems), leading to many of those who ordered a HoloHead during the pandemic now still on the waitlist and questioning the wisdom of their non-refundable deposit.

We also done roundup after roundup of which artificial heads are out there, as well as how people are ‘enjoying’ them (and if they are enjoying them). And it seems there’s going to be some enduring popularity of artificial heads, if not for the Coronavirus protection then for the addictive nature of a WiFi uplink in your literal head. Sales of total units in 2021 have already surpassed the entire year of 2020, where over 6 million artificial heads were sold (we assume some of these are people who own multiple heads, but still — that’s a lot of heads!).

So we chose instead to do a piece on a simpler aspect, and one that is far more accessible and also even harder to put real numbers behind.

The Headless Hookup. Easy to search for by the #headlesshookup hashtag, and if you haven’t managed to stumble onto that goldmine of content and memes yet, I’m wondering just how you managed to end up this deep in an article at Heretic.

In any case, it’s simple — it only needs a cheap portal kit — they’re like $50 at Amazon, and a quantum charge pack, and you’ve got the ability to safely remove a head.

Of course, a headless person isn’t terribly useful to have around say, as an essential employee. And they’re pretty poor dinner guests and even worse conversationalists.

However there was one need they fit perfectly. They made one part of dating — the actual physical part — safe again.

So here we’ve collected a number of stories across the internet, republished here with all the author’s permissions. Some names were changed for privacy.

Cassy Bowen, Seattle WA

Mike and I met on a dating app at the very start of the whole pandemic. It was a weird time to be sorting that stuff out — by the time it was clear what was going on, we’d already slept together once, and both wanted to keep things going.

But Mike’s parents were in a high risk group, and I was helping my neighbor upstairs with a lot of stuff like groceries. So we were struggling with this issue of how to keep seeing each other, while still keeping other people safe.

Then Mike texted me this article that was in the Post or one of those serious people newspapers, and it said that experts were saying there was no risk of someone spreading the virus if they didn’t have a head. Which, well, duh, if you think about it. But here were actual experts suggesting this, and we took a look online to read about it, and it seemed like, worth a shot right?

We ordered a portal kit, just the cheap one-directional one, and a couple extra charge packs (it was emphasized that it was important to have extras and I’m very glad it was).

I was the first to try it. We actually flipped a coin, but I wanted to go first anyway, and then I won, so … that’s how we picked. Anyway, I can still remember the first time because it was just so … amazing.

Like if you’ve never tried being headless, the thing is — obviously you can’t see, can’t talk, can’t hear. Not surprising right? It can be pretty claustrophobic I guess.

But the thing is, all of your consciousness is then like — touch, touch, touch, touch. And the amount of stuff you’re sensing doesn’t really change. It’s just all the same sense, but way more intense.

So as you can imagine, sex without a head is … just on this whole other level of sex. Just to feel like this raw animal desire that completely takes over, and that you’re also so vulnerable, like the most vulnerable feeling I’d ever had, for some obvious reasons. And I really liked all of that.

It was an incredible experience. Like all we really did was he took me to bed, took me into the shower, and then took me back outside and restored my head. That was the plan we’d made, together, in writing, and we would stick to it.

But just… I was gaga over it for days afterwards.

And then came his turn. I’d been gushing about how much I thought he was going to love it for the whole lead up, I hadn’t really thought about what it’d be like for me.

But there was Mike. Except, no head. We’d decided for him to go with the ‘smooth shoulders’ look (I’d had a neck stump left because I love having my neck kissed).

The first weird thing was that now I was actually taller than him. If I stood up against him, I could kiss his empty shoulders.

But it was also just … another way of losing control. Because I couldn’t talk to him. He was just this — this body — which sounds kind of trite, but that’s what he was. Letting him have his way with my body and having no way to say no or yes, it was just somehow so primal.

Plus, I was strangely turned on by seeing his empty shoulders. It was like, just known that he was stuck in there, at once helpless and still able to overpower me — it was like his libido was controlling both of us.

And so that became a thing. We’d alternate — usually, unless there was some kind of reason we needed to change up the schedule.

So, the sex was always wild, but the other thing that changed was we grew closer as a couple. When we weren’t getting rid of each other’s heads, we were taking long walks outside, maybe chatting outside by a fire before heading in to whisk away someone’s head, or just FaceTime calls when we could’t fit in the schedule to make the trip across town.

And soon we got … more creative. It started one time where, after vanishing my head, Mike also got rid of my arms. I’d asked previously if he would try tying me up — and he’d just replied ‘I think we can do something like that.’

And let me tell you, I learned something new that night. Was being armless even hotter than being tied up, something I’d fantasized about for years, but only had the courage to try once because I was afraid of the rope leaving marks?

Apparently, yes. And vanished arms don’t leave a mark.

Then the next time with Mike, I took him all the way down to just a lower half. The #pieceofass hashtag that we all know and love.

That was an altogether different experience. Now there was no way for Mike to overpower me. I was in complete control. It was a wonderful reversal of roles after a couple months of mostly one submission or another.

You can probably see where this is going. We tried everything. I was a pair of legs, then I was only a pair of hips. I took Mike down to a limbless torso (and then took him camping!). I even tried being just a pair of boobs — spoiler alert, you’ll be horny the whole time and have no way to properly get yourself off.

Then, we finally arrived at the end game. I’d joked about it before a couple times — Hey Mike, what if you were nothing but a dick? Well you’re one already! Ha-ha! — but when we finally gave it a go…

Have you ever held your entire boyfriend in your hand because he’s nothing but a penis?

Would recommend.

What was interesting was not only did I have a great time with my boyfriend as essentially a dildo, but that Mike loved it too. And I mean loved it loved it. The next time — his turn to turn me into whatever he wanted — he just wanted to try that again. Even when I wanted a little more of him around, he’d ask if he could end the evening like that, or that we could finish up with that in the morning.

Ever carried your boyfriend in your purse because he’s conveniently nothing but a cock? Maybe take him to an outdoor brunch to show him off to your friends?

Endose.

Maybe you can see where this is going. I’m talking so much about Mike’s interest in this, because, as I write this, he’s sitting on the desk right beside my computer.

He makes an excellent fidget toy. And yes, I plan on using him properly once I finish this up.

The ending to the story here is that we ended up moving in together. Mike owned his house, and my lease was up, so it just seemed like the natural thing to do.

We ended up hooking up with our full bodies for the first time in months. I never thought that would be a novel experience, but hey, it’s been a wild year.

But soon, we went back to playing around with magic. And what was even better, was that now that heads were only ‘optional’ instead of ‘forbidden’ there was even more things out there to try.

I discovered the shorty. And I have never felt sexier than when I’m just a pair of legs with a head. It was just so rawly sexual and I don’t know — fuckable. It’s the most fuckable shape for a person to be.

I love the shorty. I even took a week of PTO just so I could stay like that all the time.

Obviously I’m not one of those at the moment, because I can’t really type with my toes.

But then again, what if I could? Well if I ever get that good with them — I guess I know what shape I’ll be forever.

And that’s about it I think. It’s kind of weird to think back and realize, if it wasn’t for COVID and for uh, some scientists who put 2 and 2 together for us, Mike and I never would have discovered all this stuff. Hell, we might not even have stayed together. Who knows.

Anyway. As you all know by now, I have things to do here. Bye!

Lindsey R., Atlanta

(video is transcribed below)

Hello interwebs! I’m Lindsey, this is my story about headless hookups.

As you can see … I am also missing a head. I’ll be getting to that detail here in a minute.

Instead I’ve got this nifty cap on my neck, which is like an inch thick or so, with a camera, a microphone, a speaker, even a WiFi uplink to my phone and, most importantly of all, an air filter. This is what they call a ‘Substitute Head’ or a SubHead — they were developed for workers who might be exposed to toxic fumes in hazardous environments, but obviously they’ve come to be a a bit more … general purpose now.

So, where do I start — I work in food service, as a manager of a popular local cafe here. And so as you can imagine, when the pandemic hit, it was bonkers. We didn’t know if we were going to be back at work at all, or when, or anything.

But then we got into a flow of it, we expanded our outdoor area, we focused on togo stuff and walk up service, and hey, it worked out.

Now, the other complicating factor here, is that my boyfriend Tom, who I live with, is high risk. He’s pretty healthy in general, but had really bad asthma as a kid. And so I was struggling with what to do here, because even with all the precautions we were taking, I was still a risk to him.

Now I’d tried magic a few times. So had Tom. We had our heads cut off once for halloween I think, and our friend Lisa once shrunk us both down so we could fit in the back of her tiny car. And here and there you know — I guess I tried out a penis once, that kind of thing.

But I wasn’t like a hardcore, you know, magic person or anything. Neither was Tom. But when those articles were coming out and they were saying, you know, people with fake heads were actually safer, it was just like, wow, we’ve got to do this I guess.

So the first thing I tried to talk my boss into was just taking my head off at work. She didn’t go for that — I guess understandably it might be seen as ‘controversial’ in a sense, but more to the point, it was weird for the general public who, I can now tell you from experience, will assume you can’t hear them. They will also assume you are a robot quite a lot.

So that left the next option which was … I would have to take my head off when I got home. And that’s what I did. I’d get back from work, detach my head, switch my collar on, and box up my head for the evening.

And soon it was just another part of the routine. I didn’t even feel at home until my head was gone.

Of course there was one major drawback, which is that I’d always been a foodie. And now ever meal at home was basically through a tube. Not only was it a little gross, but it was just deeply unsatisfying and to be honest, a bit humiliating.

Tom found a brilliant solution. He got the same sub head installed.

Now the thing about the unit here is that it doesn’t just act as my head when it’s not around. It also has the mechanism to attach and detach my head.

And the other thing about these attachments, is they’re also interchangeable. Meaning that I could put Tom’s head on my neck, and use it just like it was my own.

And you know what? Meals took longer, but it was fun to share a head. I liked the way his mouth tasted. It was even fun to have a beard.

Then of course, there was the fact that our subs could be switched off. And you’ll probably read from the copious stories out there, headless sex is … really on its own. It was far better than either of us were prepared for.

I would also uh, warn everyone that’s it’s very easy to oversleep when neither of you have heads switched on, because uh… there’s no way you’re going to hear your alarm or you boss calling on the phone. Ask me how I know.

Then of course, we got vaccinated. And so … that’s the end, or so you’d think.

But, it was by then a routine to do the head swapping. And now, what’s even better, is that I don’t have to box my head up outside in the car anymore, I can bring it in and … you know, whatever.

The sugar on top came about a month ago. We were out walking the dog and ran into Mindy, a friend of ours … and also someone with a detachable head.

Only this time, the head — which by the way was tucked under arm the whole time, just to set the scene — wasn’t her usual head. It was a new one. A different one.

That’s how we got put on the swapper list serve. An email group of local, well, people interested in swapping around their heads.

All of this is adding up to say that we ended up trading away our heads. Both of them.

And in return, we got this gorgeous babe here.

(She reaches into a bag and pulls out an attractive blonde head with long hair and freckles. She clicks the head onto her neck and blinks.)

There we go! That’s more like it. Yes, we went 2 for 1 on this deal, but like … how could we pass this up?

And so I’ll get to be this gorgeous babe at work, and when I get home, I just hand over my head to my boyfriend, and then I get to enjoy my eye candy. Or camera candy, I guess is more accurate in my case. Whatever — it’s worth it, and we might be weird for doing this, but we love it.

Andy L, Richmond

Hey Internet. It’s me. The Perfect Man meme. The headless guy at the party.

Yes, I’m a real person actually. If you someone missed the story, right when there were all these news stories about how headless sex was okay for Coronavirus, suddenly this meme exploded of well, me. Captioned, “2020: We Made The Perfect Man” and a million other jokes about how all men, should, well, be missing their heads.

Like I was. In the picture.

Weirdly, the picture was actually from a couple years before. It was a Fourth of July party, I was outside, and shirtless and I’d lost a game of beer pong.

The stakes to that game? You guessed it. A human head.

It was my girlfriend at the time’s idea. Not her real name, but we’ll call her Nicole.

She loved to find reasons to get rid of my head. And you know what? It was fun. She was a talented magician as well, and could spin up an awareness aura for me that let me kind of … well, it was like being able to hear as normal, and to see around myself, without really being able to see.

You just kind of know what’s nearby, but in every direction — additionally it’s not possible to read like this because you can really just broadly perceive objects and shapes. It’s still way better than not being able to see, so the main limitation is that you can only communicate through a game of charades.

So Nicole loses my head on a game of beer pong. We snap a photo. I’m holding a beer, but I’ve got no head. That was the joke we thought we were making.

It goes onto Facebook. And Instagram. And twitter. I used it as my profile pic for a couple weeks even. And then I think this was the precursor to that meme — somehow it ended up on one of those click bait news sites with pictures of weird magic that kids are doing at parties. So far, so good right?

Then of course, the news happened. The CDC or whoever it was, said you can still hook up, but leave your head behind.

Someone, somewhere out there, put my picture and that caption together. And then it caught like wildfire. Jokes about how it would be best to decapitate all men (it’s worth a try, I say), riffs on the original picture with different guys, people photoshopping a head onto my body for laughs, all of it.

It’s kind of surreal honestly.

You know what the other funny part is though? If I remove my shirt and my head, I’m suddenly a quasi-celebrity. Like I’ll be stopped for photos all the time. If I keep my head, nobody knows me at all.

We’ve tested this theory.

And, also because of the circles I run in, my current girlfriend — I’ll also lie and call her Jenny — is just as into this as Nicole was. Maybe even more so, because she likes to take it a couple steps further. Such as getting rid of her own head too.

That’s about it for the story. If you’re ever wondering what it’s like to become a meme, I don’t know if this puts it into words, but it’s a bit of a weird thing to become famous for.

And no, thanks everyone, but I will not be selling any NFTs of this stupid thing.