The Amateurs

“Are we really going to do this?” said Kate, biting her lower lip.

It was Wednesday night. This was now the third ‘date’ and Kate was over at Ben’s house. Which meant it was probably going to be the one where they finally hooked up. But that wasn’t the main reason she was anxious. Not even close.

“We don’t have to?” said Ben, with another shrug. “We could just, I don’t know, watch a movie.”

“No I want to, like I really, really want to,” said Kate. “But I’m just nervous I guess.”

“Well, I’m not the one who wanted to—“

“Ben—“ interrupted Kate, grabbing a fistful of his shirt. “You’re going to cut me the fuck in half tonight.”

Ben made a goofy grin.

It was a simple plan they’d come up with. Ben knew a little bit about quantum physics since he worked for one of the new body tech companies as a support engineer. Kate had always wanted to be in two pieces, but had never actually tried it and didn’t know anyone who was into that stuff. A deal was made.

“Sure,” he said. “You bring the um… thing?”

“Yeah,” said Kate, lifting up the tote bag with the new purchase from Amazon still in the bag. “I got it.”

“Well then, we have what we need.”

They went inside Ben’s house. Beers were opened, and soon they were on the couch unpacking the new contraption.

“So this is a…” prompted Kate, gesturing at the long stripe of black plastic stuff she’d just spent over $80 on.

“It’s properly called a Quantum Portal Maegeic Field Loop,” said Ben.

“It’s a what?”

“It’s how you safely divide a living body,” continued Ben. “But it’s mostly just called a loop.”

“A loop. Well, I guess it’s pretty literal at least. What do we do?”

“You just wrap it around where you want to separate,” said Ben.

“And you say you’ve done this before.”

“A few times. Yeah,” said Ben with a shrug.

“You’ve cut a girl in half before…” said Kate. It was intended as a question but came off like she was seeking confirmation. Her stomach was all butterflies.

“Well not in half no,” said Ben. “It was with this other girl I used to hang out with, we’d use a loop — a smaller one — to take off each other’s arms.”

“So you’ve never cut a chick in half,” summarized Kate. “Isn’t that like your job or something?”

“Like I said, I just started there, and also I work on the software side so…”

“I’m just messing with you,” said Kate, smiling. “And stalling. Because…”

“Because…”

Kate sighed, and smirked with embarrassment.

“Because I know this is going to make me really horny,” she blurted out. “Which is a good thing! I just am … out of my comfort zone here. But I hope you’re down to uh…”

“Take care of business?” said Ben.

“Yes,” said Kate. “Pussy business.”

She kissed him. It was time to do that anyway.

After a moment she stopped and drew in a sharp breath for extra courage.

“Okay,” she said, feeling another rush of warmth in her face. “Let’s cut this bitch in half.”

Kate laid down on the couch while Ben wrapped her waist in the loop.

“Okay,” he said. “So it has this charge pack that we hook up, but before that—“

He teased at her midsection with delicate fingers.

“Where do you want to make the slice?” he said.

“What is … the usual spot.”

“I don’t know,” said Ben, shrugging. “But we could do it like, lower down here—“

He gestured across the top of Kate’s hip bones.

“Or higher up a bit—“ said Ben, moving his hand to illustrate.

“What will make my ass look great,” said Kate.

“Your ass already looks great,” said Ben.

“Up to you,” said Kate. “But that’s the criteria.”

“Here then,” said Ben, picking a line slightly further up. He cinched the loop until it was tight.

“Great,” said Kate. “What now?”

“Well, we connect the charge pack, and set it to use a two-way connection, which uses twice the charge so…”

“There,” said Ben.

Kate felt a jolt, almost like an electrical shock right through her waist line under the loop. It shot up her backbone and then just as suddenly was replaced with a feeling of release.

“Um,” said Kate, wide eyed. “Wow.”

“Okay,” said Ben, pulling down on Kate’s legs. “You’re officially cut in half.”

He pulled up the empty loop and began to put it back in the package it came in.

Kate propped herself up to her elbows and looked down.

For a moment she just gawked. There was her stomach. A gap. Her ass. Her hips. Her legs.

Across the section of her waist was now what looked like just … her own skin. It even rounded off nicely and looked entirely … natural.

“Holy. Fuck,” said Kate.

“Yeah,” said Ben, laughing. “It’s pretty cool the first time, right?”

“I’m cut in half!” shouted Kate, joyfully.

“You sure are,” said Ben.

“I’m a two piece bitch now,” said Kate, with a gigantic smile.

Ben laughed.

“By the way,” added Kate. “You’re allowed to call me names as long as I’m horny like this. I’m into that.”

“Good to know, biatch,” said Ben, with a smirk.

“You can do better than that,” said Kate.

“Those are some slutty legs you have,” said Ben.

“That’s more like it,” said Kate.

She drew in a quick breath and sighed.

“There’s like … fifty things I want to do at once,” said Kate. “I want to get fucked, I want to practice walking around with just my legs, I want to get photos, I want to text everyone, I want to post this shit to snapchat, I want to make a video—“

“Lets um,” interjected Ben. “Let’s start with that first one.”

“Great idea,” said Kate. “Go get a condom and I’m thinking you can shove my ass against the wall over there and I’ll just watch from here.”

Ben leaned over Kate’s upper half and kissed her before grabbing a handful of her ass on the way to his bedroom.

—

“That was even better than I expected,” said Kate, heaving a happy sigh.

On the other side of the couch, she swung one of her legs up onto Ben’s knee.

“And expectations were high,” she added.

“That was really fun,” said Ben, grinning. “When your waist was just against the wall like that, I could get really good leverage…”

“I want to build something so we can just like … mount my ass on the wall like that,” said Kate.

“And what,” said Ben. “Just have people over and act normal?”

“I’m thinking like a please-take-a-number situation,” said Kate.

“Jesus, my imaginary pussy hurts for you,” said Ben.

“Hey, it’s just my fucking fantasy okay, I’m not interested in the practicalities,” said Kate.

“Fair point,” said Ben. “And you are a huge slut, so…”

“Hey,” said Kate, smacking Ben in the arm.

“Ow,” deadpanned Ben. “I thought you said I could call you—“

“My horny fucking legs said that,” said Kate.

“Okay,” said Ben. “So you’re half a slut then.”

“Yeah,” said Kate, with a big grin. “Half slut, half …”

She paused.

“Bitch?” ventured Ben, bracing for another impact.

“Yeah,” said Kate, grinning even bigger. “Exactly.”

She put her hands behind her head and leaned back.

“I like that,” said Kate. “Like before I was a slutty bitch, but now I can be both separately.”

“Almost like a three way,” said Ben.

“Yeah!” said Kate enthusiastically. “You know, when you were doing me a minute ago, it was almost like — like I was having these two different experiences at the same time. Like my legs were just getting dominated and overpowered, and I was also like, watching you fuck my legs and seeing how small I was over there, and it was just … gah, there’s never been anything like it ever, it was so good.”

“Glad it lived up to the hype,” said Ben.

“Yeah, the hype is real,” said Kate.

She paused and tried but failed to sit up.

“You know,” she said. “I just had this weird idea.”

—

“Okay,” said Kate, looking down at herself. “I kind of didn’t actually think this would work.”

“Why wouldn’t it work?” said Ben.

“Because I don’t know, maybe pieces only fit together one way?”

“The quantum detangler isn’t that advanced,” said Ben. “It doesn’t know the shape something is supposed to be, it just connects or disconnects.”

“Okay,” said Kate. “But now I’m backwards!”

She slapped her ass enthusiastically. Her ass that was in what would normally be her lap. Her lower half had been rotated 180 degrees. And then reattached.

“Yeah,” said Ben. “You sure are.”

“This is cool and all, but I want to go back to halves because I wasn’t done enjoying that—“

“Okay,” said Ben, leaning forward for the loop. “We’ll just need one of the spare charge packs.”

“The what?”

“Another charge pack.”

“Um,” said Kate, with a dawning realization of what Ben was actually asking.

“I don’t have one,” said Kate. “It just came with the one.”

“Yeah, I sent you the link to the pack of them too though,” said Ben.

“I thought you could … recharge it?”

“It’s not an electric charge,” said Ben. “It’s a quantum charged state.”

“So… you’re saying those are single use.”

“They each have two charges,” said Ben. “One for each direction of the connection. So because you had a two way connection it took both of them.”

“Wait, how does that … otherwise like work?”

“If we’d only used a one way connection, you could have been cut in half the same, but you’d only be able to feel and exist in one half, so either your upper or lower half would be … that’d be it.”

“So you’re saying,” said Kate. “That not only am I stuck as a backwards bitch now, but that this whole time I could have been only a pair of legs without a stupid upper half at all?”

“Yeah,” said Ben.

“Why weren’t we doing that first!” said Kate. “That’s the whole point of this fantasy!”

“You said you wanted to get cut in half,” said Ben.

“Yeah, but I wanted to be the lower half. Just a piece of ass. That’s my ideal here.”

“Well, either way,” said Ben. “We’ll need more charge packs.”

“Yeah, where do we get those?”

“I always get them online.”

“They don’t sell them in stores?”

“I mean, this whole thing is still kind of a niche,” said Ben. “I guess we could see if WizWorks is still open…”

“Fuck it,” said Kate. “I’ll just be backwards tonight.”

“Sorry,” said Ben.

“Don’t be,” said Kate. “It’s … kind of funny. And it will be a good story. And you know what I just thought of?”

“What’s that?”

“If you bend me over that table there, I can still look back up and watch.”

—

“Three days Ben! It’s been three days!” Kate was animated, waving her hands around. It was Friday and now Ben was over at her apartment. Finally.

“Yeah I know,” said Ben, setting down the box.

“What happened to 2-day shipping, huh?”

“It was like 8pm when we ordered it on Wednesday, so …”

“You know how many ‘ass-backwards’ comments I’ve heard since this happened?”

“A lot I imagine,” said Ben. He tore through the tape and opened the box revealing a package of 50 charge packs for the loop they’d used the other night.

“The world is not built for backwards-facing people,” said Kate, holding back laughter. “All my chairs are the wrong way, riding the bus is super weird, and I have to either walk backwards or look over my shoulder all the time.”

“Well the good news is we can put you back to normal now,” said Ben.

“Normal? Who said anything about ‘normal’,” said Kate, adding in her own air quotes. “I want to get fucking cut in half again.”

“Yeah I meant after we do that,” said Ben. “Obviously we’ll need to portal you in half again anyway.”

“After this ordeal, I might never want to be in once piece again,” said Kate. “Just FYI.”

“Okay,” said Ben, his voice sounding more agitated than normal. “Let’s get to it.”

“You know,” said Kate. “It is still kind of hilarious.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah, that we tried to cut me in half and fucked it up leaving me backwards for three days? Or two and a half days or whatever?”

“It’ll make a good story at least,” said Ben.

“And,” said Kate, more cheerfully. “Getting bent over your kitchen table was pretty hot…”

Their eyes locked.

“You know,” said Kate. “If you did want to give Miss Backwards Ass one more ride…”

—

“So you’re sure you want to try this right away? We have plenty of charge packs now,” said Ben.

“Yes! Do it already!”

“Okay,” said Ben. “I’ll … see you later I guess.”

Zap. The same almost electric feeling jolted through her middle. And then…

Well. Pretty much everything was gone. One moment before she’d been lying on the couch looking down at her own backwards butt, and now … there wasn’t just no light in the room, there wasn’t even the feeling of darkness. There wasn’t just silence, there wasn’t even the perception of sound.

It must have worked, thought Kate to herself.

She experimentally shifted her legs. She had legs. She had legs.

A hand — Ben’s hand — began to cradle her hip, moving her upwards. She felt his fingers on her ass, sliding up to the empty section across her waist.

Holy shit, thought Kate. We really did it. I’m just a lower half now.

That was, after all, the plan all along. To be reduced to just a literal piece of ass. She’d spent ten minutes begging Ben to do it after he’d railed her over the arm of the sofa, and he was stalling because he wanted to drink a beer and take a shower.

She began, through some unknown kind of intuition, to gain an awareness of her surroundings. The edges of the couch, the distance to the floor, the proximity of Ben’s body, these all began to feature prominently in her consciousness.

She also tried, and failed, to visualize what she looked like. It was not that she was unaware of how her lower half looked by itself — she’d had that point of view the other night when she first got sliced in half. But rather it was hard to even come up with the idea of a three-dimensional space with color and light and perspective. The idea of vision in her current state seemed as abstract as well, the weird quantum physics that had left her this way.

What am I even thinking with, thought Kate, it now dawning on her that not only did she now lack her other senses, she was also entirely lacking a head or a brain, which, abstractly at least, seemed to be related to having thoughts.

Ben’s other hand was on her ass now. He was moving her up to sit on the arm of the couch. She accepted his guidance eagerly, savoring the two handed ass grab.

He gently pushed her legs apart and then she felt something even more amazing. His lips.

Starting on her upper thighs, he began to work his way inwards.

Yes. Finally. Finally. Perfect.