“Off with his head!”

“Alison our birthday queen has spoken!” echoed out Amanda. Amanda had been designated as the ‘headsman.’

Dan heard the sound of the PVC guides start to slide and accelerate. He felt a cold feeling on the back of his neck.

There was a moment where nothing seemed to happen before it happened all at once.

In his peripheral vision he could see the stock he was locked in around his neck. Ahead of him was the plastic slide stolen from a kids play set. And at the bottom of that…

A basket. Which was suddenly blurry as he rolled forward into it.

Well. This meant one thing.

His head was no longer attached.

A disorienting second ended with him landing face first on a pillow and the sounds of some cheering from the spectators at the party.

Then. Waiting.

“Oh my god that was hot,” said the cute brunette who’d been talking to Alison just before his capital offense of spilling beer had occurred. “What’s going to happen to his head?”

Soon Afterwards

“So…” said the cute brunette.

Someone had just brought her in next to him. They were on the wicker table on the porch.

“Yeah,” said Dan. “Here we are.”

“I’m Rachel,” she said. “Think we’ve met a couple times maybe.”

“I’m Dan and, yeah, think you’re right.”

“Cool.”

There was a pause as they made eye contact again.

“This is so wild,” she said. “I can’t believe they actually made a DIY guillotine for Alison’s birthday.”

“I feel like, if anyone would do this it would be Alison,” said Dan.

“Uh, you must get your head cut off a lot or something.”

“Yeah, it’s uh… well, it was sort of ‘a thing’ last summer…”

“You two used to hook up right? Is that what I heard?”

“Yeah…” said Dan with a sideways look.

“And? Gimme some details.”

“Well,” said Dan. “We usually would play some kind of game and the loser would lose their head. Then like you said, we’d hook up after that.”

“Damn. That’s pretty hot.”

“Yeah, but that was also different because it was … like one of us would just be a body with no head.”

“Yeah, this is a little different isn’t it?” said Rachel. She looked down at the table they were sitting on.

“You know it sounded strange at first,” she added. “But after watching your head tumble like that… I got to say, I get it now.”

“Oh good. Thanks. Maybe. I guess.”

“I’m serious, dude! It did something for me. Like we both just got motherfucking executed.”

“I mean,” said Dan. “I kind of expected it at some point when Alison posted the pic of the guillotine, but I thought it’d happen later and not … first thing.”

“Yeah… Hey you know what I just realized?”

“What’s that?”

“So you used to hook up with Alison. And uh, full discloser, I used to hook up with Steve. And now they’re an item together…”

“You think they’re taking revenge against their exes?” said Dan in confusion.

“No, I think we’re being set up,” said Rachel.

“Hmm. That sounds more on brand for them.”

“Yeah, both the reasons were bullshit — she accused you of spilling beer on her, and as hot as it was to watch, you uh, mostly spilled it on yourself dude.”

“Oh, you saw that too?”

“Yeah, well,” she shrugged with only her eyebrows.

“Then,” she continued, “She sends me to the guillotine for being ‘lusty’ whatever that’s supposed to mean.”

“Sounds like some bullshit,” offered Dan.

“Well,” said Rachel. “It was true. I had just seen this cute guy’s head get cut off and I was thinking about what I would do with it if I got the chance. And I was pretty lusty about it. But also being lusty is not really a crime.”

“Uh,” said Dan. Their eyes met.

“Did I overplay my hand there,” she said.

“You’re good.”

“I wouldn’t want to make things awkward right away with me head-cut-off buddy.”

“If I could make a move now, I guess I would try,” said Dan.

“Consider your move reciprocated,” said Rachel. “My plan in fact, was to take you off somewhere discrete and you know, take some liberties.”

“Yeah,” said Dan. “The way these parties often go, I think plenty of liberties will be taken later…”

“That’s kind of exciting to think about. You know what? I kind of like getting my own head cut off. It’s growing on me.”

“Is this a new thing for you?”

“Well, kinda? I mean, I’ve done some stuff with body magic before. Like with Steve actually.”

“What were you two into?”

“Well, it started with this beach trip and I managed to ‘forget’ my arms.”

“That sounds tricky.”

“That’s the thing, it was strategic, because I’m lazy and didn’t want to be asked to drive. Or do anything at all really. But instead I had to make, you know, some other contributions.”

“Well that only seems fair.”

“I wasn’t complaining. I should clarify — he was one of the three dudes on that trip.”

“Well that’s a lot of contributions.”

“It was a great! Anyway I kept hooking up with him because he’d also teach me some magic, and the other two guys were more interested in just having a piece of ass around. Not that I had a problem with that — I mean I got laid too right?”

“Yeah. Hi-five.”

“Anyway,” said Rachel. “It’s your turn now. Tell me a dirty magic story.”

“Let’s see,” said Dan, looking around to grab onto a prompt. “Well, since you brought up being armless, Katy who was actually the girl who introduced me to Alison actually was …”

“She had no arms?”

“No, actually, she made a rule that I wasn’t allowed to have them when we hung out.”

“Oh my god she’s a genius.”

“I had to say, no-arms is a move that works for guys as well as girls.”

“Okay dude, well, when we get out of this I’ll take you on a sushi date if you agree to the same thing.”

“Uh, deal. Easy.”

“Score. God damn, I really wish we could make out right now.”

“Yeah,” said Dan. “Maybe we can try moving closer with our chins?”

Dan attempted to push down against the wicker table. The table wobbled slightly.

“Dude, you’re going to us over,” said Rachel. “Here try this.”

She stuck her tongue out as far as she could. Dan did the same.

“Well,” said Rachel with a disappointed smirk, “It was worth a shot.”

Just then they were interrupted. It was Becca, a once of Alison’s friends. Dan had hung out with her at a few of these parties before — she was always funny, had a lot of tattoos, and was ambiguously ethnic without him ever having been able to guess from where. Olive skin, a curly wave of black hair, and a lot of curves. Another feature she was most well know for was—

“Hear ye, hear ye,” said Becca. “I come bearing a royal decree.”

She held up a grocery store receipt that Dan guessed was probably for the beer for the party.

“And,” continued Becca. “Our Birthday Queen told me I could take one of her private trophies and get some head. Now.”

She put her hand on her hip and eyed both Dan and Rachel.

“Which of you gives a better blowjob?”

“I do,” said Rachel immediately.

“You sound pretty confident there,” said Dan with a laugh.

“Well I have like a hundred or so good reasons to be confident. Like I’ll go head to head with you any day and prove it too. Nobody gives better blowjobs than I do.”

“Well you sold me,” said Becca with a shrug, a laugh, and a smile.

“Can we preview the goods?” asked Rachel.

“Oh of course,” said Becca with a light touch to Rachel’s cheek. Then she unzipped her jeans.

This was the other thing Dan had heard about. Now he was seeing it firsthand.

“Damn!” said Rachel. “That’s amazing!”

“I named him Avery,” said Becca. She gave herself a long slow fondle, bringing everything up to attention. “After the first dude who sucked it off.”

“Nice to meet you Avery,” said Rachel, licking her lips.

“Hey,” she added, flexing her jaw in practice. “Not that I need any help, but Avery here looks like he’s got enough for a second if you want to bring Dan along too.”

“Well, nice of you to offer, but my decree—“ she held up the grocery receipt again. “Is only for 1 head from the trophy room.”

She showed them the “1” written in sharpie and circled.

“I wouldn’t want to break the rules and end up like y’all motherfuckers,” added Becca.

“Oh if I had a dick like that I wouldn’t be taking any chances either,” said Rachel. She stretched her mouth open experimentally. “Okay, I think I’m ready here. Where are we doing this?”

“Up on the balcony,” said Becca. “The agenda tonight is just blowjob, beers, blunt, then bed.”

“Oh that sounds awesome,” said Rachel. “I have an idea though.”

“What’s that?”

“You bring me back home with you, then we do blowjob, beers, blunt, another blowjob, bed, then a third bj in the morning.”

“Well shit, that sounds even better.”

She picked Rachel up by the ponytail.

“Oh wait, one other thing. If you can turn me toward Dan— Okay, dude, I gotta go do this thing, but it was nice to be a severed sexually frustrated head next to you.”

“Likewise. We should hang out later.”

“Yes! Enjoy being the second place trophy. And also Becca can you do me a solid and save his number?”

A Sushi Date

“Can you spin around for me again?” asked Rachel.

Dan halfway sighed and halfway laughed, then took a step forwards and did a slow 360 turning on one foot.

It was the day of the promised sushi date. They were currently in the park walking over from Dan’s apartment.

The other part of the deal was also in effect. The part where—

“You don’t have any fucking arms!” said Rachel gleefully.

“Yeah, it’s like the 10th time you’ve said that now,” said Dan.

“Okay, I know. One more time so I can record it okay?”

Dan waited for her to get out her phone, then gave another spin.

“Perfect,” said Rachel, stepping forward and throwing an arm around his waist. She hooked a finger into his belt loop and began to walk again.

“The knotted sleeves are a nice touch,” she said, giving one of them a tug.

“Thanks,” said Dan. “Alison suggested them actually when I told her we were doing this.”

“So it was a setup,” said Rachel. “I mean I’m not complaining or anything.”

“Same.”

“Anyway,” said Rachel. “I have one better than knotted sleeves.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s some magic I learned. Is this shirt like … sentimental to you or anything?”

“It’s … I don’t know I think I got it at Ross or something.”

“Cool. Okay, stand still then.”

She held him by the shoulders and positioned him in front of her. Then she cracked her knuckles. And cast a magic spell.

“𝕱𝖆𝖇𝖗𝖎𝖈𝖚𝖘 𝕬𝖛𝖊𝖓𝖌𝖆𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖎!” said Rachel.

Dan felt the cloud of magic hit him. He braced for the usual cold-hot snapping feeling of a body change. Just like the spell they’d used to vanish his arms earlier. But it didn’t happen.

“Did it work?” he said with a puzzled look.

“Check it out,” said Rachel, drawing a finger over his empty shoulder. “Clothes magic!”

His shirt now simply didn’t have sleeves.

“Now everyone’s going to know,” said Rachel. “That you definitely don’t have any fucking arms.”

Dan shrugged his empty shoulders.

“Yeah, it’s pretty clear now,” he said. “No fucking arms.”

“Oh god it’s even better when I hear you say it,” said Rachel.

“Just totally helpless,” said Dan. “I’ll pretty much need you to do everything for me.”

“Keep that up,” said Rachel, softly. She resumed walking this time with a hand possessively in his back pocket.

“You’ll have to open doors,” said Dan. “Pull out chairs for me. Help me eat and drink, which, by the way, sushi seems like a very strategic choice.”

“It is,” said Rachel. “And you know what else I thought of? You’ll even need me to help you pee.”

“Yeah, I hadn’t gone all the way there yet,” said Dan.

“Well,” said Rachel, hip checking him slightly while holding onto his jeans. “Just thinking through practicalities here.”

“Well, it’s good you are, because—“ Dan shrugged again. “—Helpless dude. No fucking arms.”

“For the record,” said Rachel, “The only reason you’ve got any legs is so that I won’t have to carry you.”

Another Evening

“Okay,” said Rachel. “So that’s the bet then? Your lower half against mine?”

“Sure,” said Dan. He clicked the belt into place around his waist. It was made of leather woven in with enchanted copper threads.

“Is yours like just above your hips? I want to make sure we’re both doing it in the same place.”

“How’s that look?”

They compared both belts. It appeared they were both correct.

“Wait,” said Dan. “I mean, if I win, I’m definitely just going to wear your legs myself, and you already said you wanted to try out mine… so if we’re just going to swap anyway?”

“That’s a good point,” said Rachel. “I mean no matter what happens, I’m going to be a boy and you’re going to be a girl.”

“A lot of gender studies people would take issue with that,” said Dan.

“Whatever. If you have my pussy I get to call you a girl, and if I get your dick, I get to be a guy.”

“Fair enough,” said Dan. “But then why are we playing Mortal Kombat?”

“Because there has to be a winner and a loser,” said Rachel. “What about this — the winner gets to be in one piece.”

“Sounds like fun,” said Dan with a goofy grin. He picked up one of the controllers.

“Wait!” said Rachel. “We have to do the split first.”

“All right,” said Dan, setting down the controller.

“You ready?”

“Go for it.”

“𝕾𝖊𝖛𝖊𝖗𝖆𝖎𝖓 𝖄𝖚𝖉𝖊𝖋 𝕹𝖆 𝕽𝖚𝖙𝖐!” said Rachel.

The magic cloud swirled around the room and the lights briefly dimmed. Dan felt the belt tighten impossibly tight for a second, then the pressure was gone.

“There!” said Rachel, already shoving her upper half over toward him on the couch. She gave him a pull and he topped over with her.

“Oh my god,” she said, pinning his upper half under hers as she crawled on top. “We just got cut the fuck in half!”

She smashed her face into his.

“Yeah,” said Dan, by now knowing what signals to pick up on. “I’m a two piece guy now.”

“And soon to be a two piece girl,” said Rachel, pushing herself up off him. “I’m too horny to wait for my dick, so let’s get done with me beating you at this.”

“So sure you’re going to win?”

“Of course I’m going to win,” said Rachel. She handed him a controller. Then she started the game.

One Asskicking Afterwards

“Holy fuckkk,” said Rachel. She arched her back and stroked her dick. “I haven’t had a cock in so long.”

“It definitely suits you dude,” said Dan. He reached over to add a flick himself, making Rachel gasp.

“Oh shit,” she said. “That feels so good.”

“Well,” said Dan. “I’m looking forward to getting to know your pussy…”

“Oh that’s right,” said Rachel. She looked to the pair of legs still next to her on the couch where she’d left them. “You’re just an upper half now right?”

“I think I’d need to put on your legs so I can feel them, then you separate me again.”

“You know what,” said Rachel. “Technically per the terms of the bet, they’re still mine. And you just don’t have any.”

“Yeah, but I thought you wanted me to be a girl.“

“I’ll tell you what,” said Rachel, spreading out her legs and pushing her hips forward. “I’ve got another deal for you to earn your chick status.”

Well that was clear enough. Dan started to crawl forwards towards her lap. But then she stopped him.

“What are you doing?” said Rachel.

“Oh,” said Dan. “Well I was going to suck your suck you dick, sir.”

Rachel grinned.

“You’re right, you going to. But first, and I’m doing this just because I want to—“

She cupped his face in her hands. And reached for the discarded separation belt she’d just removed.

“Off with your fucking head.”