Allow me to introduce myself. I am the narrator. You need know nothing more.

And now, our cast for the story.

We begin with Jim. Well-intentioned, perhaps a bit naive. The adventure has begun of his intentions to bring his friends to a remote campsite in a 1968 Ford Econovan which had actually once belonged to his grandfather.

There is also Amy. A good friend of Jim's, she has known him for some time. Modestly beautiful, she is one of his most trusted friends. Unbeknownst to the two of them, there is a mutual affection stronger than friendship. One might even call it love.

Accompanying them is Jim's friend Andy. Good-natured, with a cynical humor, Andy is the counterpart to Jim's earnestness. Andy is perhaps the only one not afraid to hurt Jim's feelings.

Amy has brought two friends of her own. The first one that anyone would notice is Lisa. Brash, grinning, and fearless, Lisa will make friends with anyone thanks to her optimism, trusting nature, and incredible energy for all aspects of life.

And there is Katie. Shy, reserved, and guarded, Katie is usually described as "a very nice girl." A classic introvert, but unafraid to speak her mind when she decided it is necessary. Katie is perceptive and very smart, often thinking ahead while others are merely talking.

#

The van sputtered and the engine rumbled mournfully as it lost speed.

"No, no, no, no!" groaned Jim, gripping the steering wheel and directing it over to the shoulder of the gravel road.

One last gasp and the engine was quiet. The shocks creaked and the tires crunched on the gravel as the van rolled for a few more feet. Then everything was quiet.

The five occupants of the van nervously looked at one another.

"Stupid piece of junk!" said Jim. He turned the key in the ignition. Nothing happened. He took it in and out of gear, and tried again.

There was the sound of something important snapping under the hood.

"Oh god," said Amy, riding shotgun.

Andy, sitting in the back between Lisa and Katie, just started to laugh.

"I can't believe this," said Jim. "I just had the mechanic look at this thing…"

"Really Jim," giggled Andy. "You can't believe a van that's a decade older than any of us would stop working?"

"It's always been reliable! We drove this thing across the country!"

"Well, it shows."

"Damn it," said Jim. "My cell phone's not getting any reception."

"Me neither," commented Lisa.

An inventory proved that nobody had cell phone service in such a remote area.

"Well," said Jim. "I guess we're pushing it."

"Which way?" asked Amy. "We've been on this road for half an hour and all we've seen are trees."

"Well, once we get to the base of Baron's Mountain, there should be a check-in station."

"If they don't close the gate first."

"Listen, if we make it there we can camp in the van tonight and figure this out in the morning."

"That's as good a plan as we have, I guess," said Andy.

With four of them pushing, the van moved easily enough, although not without a good share of obligatory complaints. The whole thing had been Jim's idea — his family used to camp at Baron's Mountain in the summers. But a number of things had delayed their progress that day, including Andy not being packed, Lisa forgetting her wallet at a gas station, not to mention a few stops for scenic vistas.

Soon, it became apparent that they would not make it to the gate by dusk. The sun was already setting. Andy swore he could hear wolves howling.

It was then that they saw the house.

Not just any house. A huge old house with a deep stone porch. Nestled back in the woods somewhat.

"I don't remember this place," said Jim.

"Well look," said Amy. "It's late. We still don't have service, and most of our phones are nearly dead anyway. Maybe we can stop, ask if we can park the van here for the night."

"Yea, I guess so."

"And they were all never seen again!" said Andy.

"Quiet," said Katie.

"C'mon, you have to admit, this is like a stupid horror movie. One by one, we'll all roam off by ourselves and—"

"I said shut up!" said Katie, punching Andy in the arm.

"Look, I'll go knock on the door," offered Amy.

"We'd better stick together," said Lisa. "You know, because going off along, that never goes well."

"I bet Jim goes first," said Andy.

"No way. I'm the protagonist. You're the expendable one."

"Dun-dun. Spoiler alert — Jim is the killer after all. He set this whole thing up."

Lisa giggled. Katie just frowned.

They walked to the front door of the house and knocked.

Defying the archetype, the door was actually answered by an old man with a cane. He smiled and adjusted his glasses.

"Eh? Hello." He said.

"Hello sir," said Amy, "Uh… we had some trouble with our car and were just wondering if we could use your phone to … call AAA."

"Oh. Well, no you cannot. Not that I would not let you, but the phone lines got washed out in the last storm. Taken quite some time to fix all the way out here you see."

"Well, um…"

"But why don't you come in! It's getting late. You won't get mobile service out here, I'll tell you that much."

"What do you guys think?" asked Amy.

Andy shrugged.

They went inside. Their host introduced himself as Melvin. He offered a choice of orange juice or iced tea, and began casually asking questions about how they knew one another, who was studying what, and so on. He was, overall, quite a charming old man, though oddly deflective about any questions asked of him.

"Oh, you wouldn't be interested," he said, when asked about why he lived all the way out there. Inquiries about his former job, family, or any aspects of his life were met with similar dismissal.

It seemed, for a moment, that the archetype of the story wouldn't come true. That the group would simply stay at the house and find a way out without incident.

That, of course, is when things took a distinct turn for the surreal.

"Well, you are all of course welcome to stay here this evening," offered Melvin. "Alas, I must attend to something tonight, but I will return in the morning. Feel free to make yourselves at home and explore! I've quite the collection of oddities in this house, perhaps you'd all find them rather interesting."

"Where could you be going? It's already dark!" said Amy.

"Oh, I doubt you'd be interested."

"But I am interested!"

"It would take a long time to explain, I'm afraid. But there will be more time tomorrow. Goodnight!"

Picking up his hat and overcoat from the rack by the door, he exited and shut the door.

Amy ran to the door to follow, but opening the door, the old man was nowhere to be seen. Outside it had just started to rain.

"Uh… where did he go?" she said.

"That… was pretty weird," offered Andy.

"Is anyone else getting kind of creeped out?" said Jim.

"Oh you think?" said Andy.

"Well listen. Where are we going to go?" said Lisa. "Besides, he said we were welcome here. And we should explore. Let's do that!"

"But this is …"

"This is not a movie. This is an old man named Melvin, who's a little bit odd," said Lisa.

"A lotta bit odd," offered Andy.

"Anyway. This place is pretty cool. I mean look at all this stuff!"

The living room where they'd been seated was decorated with a collection of artifacts and antiques from a lifetime of travel. Globes, odd stones, statuettes, tapestries. Whomever this Marvin had been, he had indeed amassed quite a collection of different objects. And he seemed, well, a trusting sort of man, to leave near-strangers in possession of such a place on the thinnest of plot-lines.

"Let's make some dinner first," said Amy. "We have stuff in the car."

#

After dinner and a couple bottles of wine, the mood was much calmer. The conversation turned away from how they were going to fix the van, or how they might all die one by one, and on to the numerous oddities they found in the house. And the house seemed much bigger than it first appeared. Rooms went back and back like a maze.

"Let's explore!" said Lisa.

Everyone agreed that it would be best to stick together. Just in case this was that sort of story.

This is, in fact, a very different sort of story. As Lisa would soon find out.

The first room beyond the living room was filled with mannequins of different sorts, adorned with different types of jewelry or clothing.

Jim and Amy began admiring a tuxedo, complete with a red bow-tie, a tailcoat, tophat, and white gloves.

"You should try this on," Amy said. "Seems to be your size, bet you'd look pretty dashing!"

"Yea, sure," said Jim, who began to unbutton his shirt. He grinned at Amy.

"Look at this," said Lisa, picking up a copper chain necklace from a neck-shaped display. Suspended on the chain was an ornate brass lock. "Kinda steampunk-y. I like it!"

Lisa donned the necklace while Amy helped Jim into the tux.

Meanwhile Andy and Katie scuffled around the room. Something was strange about this place, and although they exchanged wordless glances, neither one mentioned the hair prickling on the back of their neck.

The lights flickered. Then they went off completely.

"Oooh!!!!" moaned Andy.

"Ahh…"

The lights came back on. There was a noticeable tension that remained, almost an electric kind of feeling.

"Something's different," said Lisa, touching the lock on the necklace. She reached to the back of her neck.

"What?" said Katie.

"The catch! Where's the catch? I just put this on, now how do I get it off?"

"What do you mean?" said Andy. He came over. "I don't see anything here. It's just a chain."

"But there was a loop and a hook!"

"Nope. There isn't."

Lisa spun the chain around her neck to see the back of it. She confirmed what Andy had just said — whatever catch she'd use to hook the necklace around her neck was gone.

"How do we get this off then?" she said.

"Well, there's a key here…" said Andy, picking up a skeleton key hanging next to where the chain had been.

"Sure, go for it."

Lisa spun the chain around and Andy put the key in. It easily fit, he twisted and unlocked it, pulling the chain off.

Suddenly Lisa fell to pieces. All at once, her body disconnected from itself, her arms and legs falling from their joints, her waist came free from her hips, and her head went rolling across the floor.

There was a moment where nobody said a word.

Then Lisa started laughing.

"What — just — happened?" she said.

Nobody spoke.

"Did I just completely fall apart?"

"Yea," said Andy. "Looks like it."

He came to pick up her head and held her to see the bits of her scattered on the floor.

"This is the coolest thing that's ever happened!" she said. "Look, I can still move!"

To demonstrate, one of her arms began inching its way across the floor, towards Katie. Katie shrieked and started backing up.

"Are you alright?" said Amy, finally.

"Uh… yea, I'm fine. Just. In bits."

"This is so weird," said Jim.

"Tell me about it," said Amy.

"Don't worry, it's fine," said Lisa. "I mean, I'm alive! And in like, um…one, two three… seven pieces. How many people can say that?"

"I think you might be the only one," grinned Andy, setting her head on the dresser. He picked up one of her legs and began to examine it. "There's no blood or anything, it's like you were a doll or something."

"Or maybe, and I'm just going to throw this out there, we're in a haunted mansion," said Lisa. "I mean, we're looking at some pretty compelling evidence."

"I don't know," said Jim. "I mean… there has to be an explanation for this."

Everyone stared at him.

"Okay, I don't know what it is, but there has to be one!"

"Right…" said Andy. "I'm going with Lisa's theory. She is, after all, in a bunch of pieces."

"Not to mention you're dressed up like a magician," said Lisa. "Maybe it's a magic mansion!"

"I … I don't think this suit looks like anything special."

"Neither did the necklace till I put it on."

"Look," said Jim, sarcastically. "Nothing up my sleeves."

He pulled up one of his sleeves. Indeed, nothing was inside. Not even his arm. Just a white glove, suspended in the air.

Another moment of shock, before Andy started laughing. Jim just glared at the empty space where his wrist had been. Amy swished her hand through it. Indeed, between the glove, which appeared to sill be his hand, and the sleeve of the tuxedo, there was nothing at all.

"Ahh… I think I want to take this suit off now," said Jim. "Amy, help me get out of this."

Amy did, helping Jim by removing his jacket.

Suddenly, he vanished. The tuxedo collapsed into a pile.

Well, almost. Jim's head, the only part of him that hadn't been covered up, remained at the top of that pile.

"What. Just. Happened," he said.

"Uh… you disappeared. Mostly," said Amy.

"Except your head, apparently," said Katie. "Maybe when you put the suit on, you became the suit? And like when Lisa put on the lock, it started holding her together?"

"That would explain a lot," said Andy.

"Well," said Jim. How do I get back together? Or back to what I was before?"

"I don't know," said Amy. "But I'd better get your jacket back on."

Amy threaded the sleeves of the crumpled shirt on the floor through the suit, and laid the pieces of it out flat on the floor before placing Jim's head in the collar of the tux again.

Nothing happened. Jim remained a pile of clothes a disembodied head.

Lisa's head just giggled. "You forgot his hat!"

Amy placed the hat on his head. Suddenly the tux filled up again, and Jim sat up.

"Well, that's a bit better," said Jim. "At least… at least that's like it was a little bit ago."

"What about Lisa?" asked Amy.

"Maybe if we do the same thing, we can put her back too. Just reverse the steps."

Andy and Amy helped lay Lisa's body parts on the floor touching, then looped the lock around her neck and pressed it shut. In an almost violent motion, she fused together into one piece, shaking a little bit.

"Ahhhh!!" she said. "That was almost unpleasant. I think I preferred being in pieces."

"I mean, we can always unlock it again," offered Andy.

"Maybe later on. Let's keep exploring!" said Lisa.

"Are you sure?" said Jim. "We've already tried two things and look what's happened!"

"Exactly! Think what else could happen!"

"But what if we can't reverse them!"

"Well, Marvin will be back in the morning. Why would he tell us to explore if he couldn't help us undo this stuff?"

"Are we just going to trust in Marvin?"

"I don't know," said Lisa, "But this is pretty much the most amazing place I've ever been, so I'm not going to stop looking around."

"Yea," said Amy, grinning at Jim. "Besides, you really do look quite dashing in that suit."

"Really?"

"Don't worry so much. Let's just have some fun."

They followed a door into another room, this one filled with boxes of all sorts. None of the boxes were filled, except for one which contained an odd array of swords and saws and axes. Some of them had holes in them. Some stood upright, others horizontal.

"I think this Melvin may be a retired magician," said Katie.

"That would … explain a lot. Once again," said Andy. "Thank you detective Katie."

"We need to try one of these out!" said Lisa.

"Not it!" said Andy, touching a finger to his nose. Katie quickly followed.

"I've already gone," said Lisa.

Jim just looked at Amy. "Guess that's you."

"But … I …" Amy sighed.

"A magic show!" said Andy. "Performed by Jim the magician!"

"Pick out what you want," said Jim.

Amy puttered around the room, pulling sheets off the various props. First there came a guillotine. She shuddered a bit then covered it back up. Next was something that appeared to be a sawing in half illusion. That was also vetoed. Finally, she arrived at a box that was upright, about shoulder height, with a hole at the top.

"What do you think this does?" she asked.

"Only one way to figure that out!" said Lisa.

"Are you sure this is safe?"

"A minute ago, I was a head on top of a dresser looking at the disembodied bits of my body on the floor."

"Uh… yea. Okay."

Amy got into the cabinet and stuck her head out the top slot. Jim closed the door of the box.

"Okay… So…" Amy said.

Jim shrugged.

"Did anything happen?" asked Amy.

"Not so far."

"There's a head-stock," pointed out Katie. "Hanging on the right side."

Jim obliged and picked it up, pushing the stock into place. Amy was now securely in the box, the stock preventing her from even turning to the left or right.

"Anything yet?" she said.

"Let me check," said Jim, pulling the latch on the door. It didn't open.

"Um…"

"Hang on," said Jim. He pulled harder. The door didn't budge.

"Amazing!" said Andy. "She's locked in a box!"

"Oh wait, there's a lever," said Jim. He pulled a lever behind the box.

Suddenly the box dropped down to about half its former height.

"What the f—" said Amy. "I just … Does it open now?"

"I, for one, am very curious to see what just happened," said Lisa.

Jim tried again to open the door, which didn't budge.

"Try removing the stock first," said Katie.

Jim did so, finding the door opened easily after that had happened.

Amy stepped out of the box.

The others just stared at her. She looked down at herself.

Amy's head was now connected directly to her hips. Her torso and arms had disappeared completely.

For a moment she just gawped at herself.

"This. Is so. Fucking. Cool," she said.

"Really?" asked Jim.

"Yes! I mean, have you ever even imagined this could be done? I love it!"

"Do we bring you back, or …"

"No! I want to stay this way, at least till tomorrow. C'mon, you're just a walking suit, can't I be a half-size girl for the evening?"

"You're adorable like this," said Lisa. She picked Amy up by the hips, smiling and looking her up and down before giving her a peck on the cheek.

"Thank you," said Amy, shrugging what remained of her shoulders. "I mean, I feel adorable."

"It would seem," said Andy, "that I'm the only sane one left. This is absolutely crazy."

"Lighten up," said Katie. "Clearly, nothing we do is going to hurt us here."

"Oh yea?"

Katie smirked and went over to the rack of swords. She picked one of them up, a short saber with a bronze hilt. Looking Andy dead in the eye she held out her left hand and whacked the sword right through her arm.
Her hand and part of her wrist thudded to the floor.

"What in the world are you doing?" said Andy.

Katie grinned mischievously and took a couple steps forward. Andy started backing up, but tripped over an extension cord. Katie took the opportunity to impale him with the sword through the stomach.

The reactions from the others were mixed. Lisa started laughing. Amy stared wide-eyed. Jim sort of just smirked in a saw-that-coming kind of way.

"What the fuck?" said Andy.

"Did that hurt?" said Katie, casually walking back to pick up her severed arm.

"You stabbed me?"

"Did it hurt?" she repeated.

"Uh… no. In fact, I'm perfectly fine."

"I have a theory," she said. "That, being owned by a magician, nothing inside this house is going to hurt anyone, long-term. Case in point."

She reached and picked up her detached arm, setting back against the stump. It seemed to hold fast, and she flexed her fingers approvingly.

"Okay," said Andy, removing the sword from his abdomen. "So we're invincible. How do you know about this stuff anyway?"

"Just call it a hunch," she said. "Well okay. More than a hunch. I used to go onto these chat rooms about magic, way long ago. And the guys there, they'd talk about magic, but it was like… like it was real. Most of them said they lived alone, or in small communes, because nobody believed or accepted what they were doing. And at first, I just lurked there, reading things, and wondering when someone would drop the hint that it was some bizarre joke. But that never happened. So I wrote it off, crazy people, blah, blah, blah. Until… well, when we saw the house, I noticed something — remember the green star on the door?"

"I noticed that," said Amy. "It was kinda shiny."

"Right. Well, that was the logo they used to identify each other I guess. Something subtle but meaningful. Anyway, that brought it all back…"

"All right. So you're clearly the expert here then," said Jim.

"No way, I'm not an expert."

"But I thought you just said you'd spent all that time reading about it?"

"Like… a week. Years and years ago. I was in high school."

"But still, you know more than we do. So that's something. What's the story?"

"Well… I don't know very much. Only that they keep something called a 'waypoint' in the house, and that's supposed to protect everyone near it. So that anything that happens, violent, magical, otherwise, can be undone."

"So, we just need to find the waypoint and we go back to normal?"

"I guess so," said Katie. "Beyond that, I just remember a lot of guys complaining about their lady lives and making fun of illusionists."

"Anyway," interrupted Lisa. "Everything we do is fine. Let's keep exploring! We still need to find something to do to Andy and Katie."

They followed a door at the back of the room that opened into a long hallway. Branching off were a series of bedrooms, each with an comfy-looking bed. Investigation of these rooms produced nothing out of the ordinary. There were, curiously enough, exactly five of them, and each with only a twin-sized bed.

"Guess we found our lodging for the evening?" said Amy.

"Yea, guess so," said Lisa. She opened the door at the end of the hallway and reached in to switch on the light. "Guys! Look at this!" she said.

Everyone followed to find a large, open room that felt very different from the rest of the house. It was large and airy with large shop lights than hung from a high ceiling. The floor was concrete and there were rows and rows of workbenches, with an endless clutter of unexplained projects. Towards the back of the room were several large machines with softly glowing lights on them.

"Looks like a laboratory," said Andy.

"Cool!" said Amy, bouncing up and down.

"Professor Katie," said Andy. "Got any explanations for us?"

"Not a clue," she said. "But I'm not opposed to some more experiments…"

"Sounds like we have a volunteer then," said Lisa, taking Katie by the arm.

The group made their way to the back of the room, and began examining the various contraptions. None of them made their effects obvious. There were three different box-like things, with a door that opened to a chair inside. Another appeared to be a table of some sort, with a long box that slid over someone lying down. Another one had space for two people side-by-side. And those were only the beginning. Tucked in the corners were other large objects, covered up in sheets.

"Well Katie," ask Andy, "You're up first. Which one are we going to try?"

Katie spent a minute deliberating. "This one," she said, pointing to a large box with two glass bell jars on top. They opened the door to find two chairs facing one another, with just enough room overhead for someone's head to go into each jar.

"But that's for two people… oh," said Andy. He looked around at the others. Nobody was about to bail him out. "I suppose I'm the other person, aren't I?"

"C'mon," said Lisa. "Jim's just a suit. I fall apart with a key. And Amy's only half the girl she used to be."

"I still have a great ass!" added Amy. Jim blushed visibly at this comment.

"Yes you do dear," said Lisa.

"All right then," said Andy. "But for the record, I told you so."

"Sure, sure," said Katie, grinning. "At least this way, you know that I'm going through whatever you are."
Both of them took their places inside the machine. Jim pushed the green button and it made a lurching noise, following which it started to hum. Then there was a "fwoosh" from inside the box.

"What was that?" said Andy, his voice muffled inside the jar. "Something happened."

"I think the opening of the jar just closed," said Katie. "I can't look down, but I can kinda see yours."

As if to answer, the machine began to hum again. Then each of the jars began to fill with a thick smokey vapor. Andy's with green smoke, Katie's with blue.

"Smells like candy," was all Andy said. Then everything inside the two jars became opaque.

"Weird," said Amy. "Is that safe to breathe?"

There was suddenly a loud sucking noise as the smoke was vented out of both jars. Both of them were now empty.

"Uh… where'd they go?" said Jim.

"Just wait for it!" said Lisa. "I bet there's more."

At that, each jar began to fill with smoke again. Only this time, Andy's jar was filled with blue smoke, and Katie's with green.

"I think it's more like fresh apples," they heard Katie's voice say.

Jim breathed an audible sigh of relief. Lisa covered her mouth with both hands, trying to suppress a giggle.

Again the smoke was vented out of both jars, revealing that both Andy's and Katie's heads had reappeared. However, those heads has switched places.

"Wait a sec…" said Andy, as the Machine whirred down. The "fwoosh" sounds could be heard again, and the door to the box unlocked by itself. Andy and Katie removed themselves from the apparatus, and began to examine the results. They were each in one piece, but as the readers may guess, Andy's head was now on Katie's body, and vice-versa.

"I guess in retrospect this was kinda obvious," said Katie, giving her body a patdown.

"It crossed my mind too," said Andy, cupping his new boobs. "But then I was like, 'Who would build such a cliché?'"

"Maybe it's an homage," suggested Amy. "To the great Mad Science archetypes of yore."

"This whole house is a cheap plot gimmick!" shouted Andy. "The broken van, the kindly old man, the mysterious past…"

"Look," said Katie. "We're clearly going to come out of it fine, I mean, one of us would already be dead by now if this were that sort of story."

Everyone glanced around quietly.

Andy shrugged. "All right. Well anyway. Our heads are switched. I suppose I'm not going to be able to talk you into switching back, so let's make the best of this."

"You're almost starting to make sense," said Lisa. "And I'm dying to be unlocked again. Let's go back and finish that other bottle of wine…"

A few minutes later, Lisa's parts were scattered around the room. Jim was fooling around with a deck of cards — no matter what card he picked, it seemed to be the five of diamonds. Amy was dancing with Katie by the kitchen, while Andy sat idly playing with a knife brought from the magic room, cutting off his hand and making it scurry around the floor.

Outside the rain had picked up even more. Then there was a knock at the door…