All I wanted to do in the first place was give myself teddy bear ears. Mark had done them for me a couple months ago, and they looked adorable — real furry ears perched on the top of my head. They were so soft! I couldn't hear out of them of course, because I still had my regular ears. He said that would get significantly more complicated. And in Arcane Sciences, complicated means difficult. It means things go wrong.

Let me give you some context. I'd been invited to a costume party, a halloween thing. Mark, my boyfriend, was out of town at this Mad Scientists convention in Portland. No doubt he would learn a bunch of crazy new things to try out on me when he got back. He was, as they say, a bit of a mad scientist. Well, his 9-5 was a computer programming job working for an insurance company. Hardly the most exciting occupation, but it paid well enough to keep his real passion alive. And that was running a bunch of ridiculous experiments, usually with me as the subject.

My name is Abbie. I've been with Mark for about six years now. A long time I know, but we're not in a rush to get married until we get a good reason to. Our parents are both mystified by the situation, and I think my mom thinks Mark is gay or something. But anyhow. Boyfriend is a mad scientist. I was home alone. Teddy bear ears. Got it? Great.

I should add actually, that while I have learned quite a bit about the Arcane Arts, as the proper term goes, I am not really on the same level as Mark. I make mistakes. Well, so does he, but I make a lot more of them. He understands the theory, the background, the why and how. I just understand the results.

So. Results. I wanted teddy bear ears, and I remembered the last time I had them, we used the NMO-304, which is a fancy way of saying "The Head Changing Box". You set the variables on the computer, you juice it up with the right chemicals, you sit down and put your head inside it, and you press the big red button.

I got everything ready, which only took ten minutes or so. Measured out 50 ml of Triticulium-6, some purple stuff that smells like burning plastic, and mixed in 5 ml of Redifizer, a clear and odorless liquid that seems to go in everything. I loaded up the ears program on the laptop, waited for it to initialize, and everything looked like it was ready to go. I leaned back in the chair, crossed my fingers, and pressed the button.

Pzzcht!!

I've come to love that noise. The sounds of mad science.

I reached up and raised the box up. Stood up and looked in the mirror.

I did not have teddy bear ears. Instead my head had been turned into a foot. A right foot if you're into those details.

"Fuck," I said.

If you want an explanation as to why I could still speak, you are asking the wrong person.

A lot of people would panic if their head turned into a foot. I'm no longer one of those people. I've had many mishaps in the lab, and while this was one of the stranger ones, it certainly wasn't the worst.

Damn, which was the worst? Was it the time I accidentally melted my face off when I mixed up the dark blue Presidica-3 with the slightly-darker-blue Arnirac-45? Or the time I forgot to un-load the Combinator and ended up actually exploding myself into a goopy mess all over the lab? Or perhaps the time Mark misplaced my vocal cords for over a week…

Well, anyway. Foot for a head. I could still see, talk, hear, so on. Things were not so bad. And odds were I could fix it, hopefully before I screwed things up further.

First thing first. I got out my iPhone and snapped a self-portrait. Two reasons for that. One was this was actually pretty hilarious, and two, it would give Mark an indicator of what happened to me in case something went terribly wrong. Hey, I learn from my mistakes.

I texted him the picture.

That was when I heard the doorbell. Just the perfect timing, wasn't it?

Well, they could come back later. If I knew them at all, they would call my phone anyhow. And as much as I would love to confront some Jehova's Witnesses with a foot for a head. It could also be the cops 'checking in' and I really didn't want to deal with them again. The last time they came, Mark had just cut off my head and plugged me into a Roomba vacuum. That was a very tough situation to explain.

The doorbell rang again. Hmm. Well.

"Oh shit," I said, remembering that we were actually expecting a package that day. Various chemicals, a new Rydascope, and quite importantly, a new bottle of Redifizer. That stuff was pretty much essential.

"Coming!" I shouted, running to the door. "Who is calling?"

"Ma'am, this is UPS. I have a package I need you to sign for."

"Oh, is there any way you can leave it on the doorstep."

"No ma'am, I'm afraid we need a signature. It will only take a moment."

"Oh, okay…" Well, I gave it an effort.

I opened the door. The driver shifted his balance from one foot to the other. Then he looked at me and nearly dropped the package.

"Sorry," I said.

"You uh…"

"Yea, I didn't have time to put my make-up on."

"Well," he said, turning very pale, "You just sign here."

He handed me one of those digital things they carry. I scribbled on the screen with the magic pen or whatever it is, and handed it back to him, and took the package.

He just stood there, taking off his hat and scratching his head.

"Thank you!" I said. I closed the door. Sometimes it was easier to let people think they were crazy.

But then the doorbell rang again.

"Yes?" I opened the door. No sense in playing games now.

"Ma'am? I just have to um… I don't mean to be rude about this…"

"I have a foot for a head. You're not crazy."

"So. Okay."

"Mad science gone wrong, you could say. But don't worry, I'll be fine."

"I don't suppose I could help in any way…"

"Doubtful. Unless you're familiar with debugging Nelson Matter Organizer scripts."

"I don't know what that is."

"Well, thanks for your concern! But I'll be fine. Believe me this is not that unusual for me. Last weekend I was in split two separate pieces for about six hours."

"Two pieces?"

"Yep. Right down the center."

"Oh. Well. Um… Well, have a nice day!"

He turned around and ran, nearly sprinting, back to his truck.

I returned to the lab and got back to work. Checked and rechecked that I'd loaded the right program, that the chemicals were the right ones. Everything seemed to be in order. Well, I might as well try to reverse the process.

I was extra careful with my measurements this time. I loaded the program for my original head, mixed up some Flizic Rax with more Redifizer, and sat back in the chair.

Pschhh!!

I looked in the mirror and breathed a sigh of relief. My head was back to normal. Well, that was a start. Now where had I gone wrong with the teddy bear experiment?

I tried to remember, maybe there was something else that Mark had done. I had followed the same procedure, the same chemicals. Even had him write it down for me before he left.

I picked up my phone. Mark, ever the helpful boyfriend, had just texted back "HAHAHAHA!!!!"

I sent a text, "Very funny! Did you do that on purpose, or did I fuck it up?"

A few moments later came the response — "No shenanigans, I promise. Are you sure there was nothing in the NMO before you ran it?"

Well, actually I wasn't.

"We'll see, I'll try again," I sent.

Again I mixed up the purple stuff with the clear stuff. Again with the initializing on the computer, watching the little circle spin for a few minutes. Double checked that the NMO-304 was clear of any residuals. Everything seemed okay. Well, it had seemed that way beforehand too.

I sat down in the chair and leaned back. With a lurking feeling of unease, I hit the button.

Pzzt!

I didn't even need the mirror to confirm the results this time. Just felt the toes of my head wiggling and knew the same thing had happened again.

Well, almost the same. This time my head was a left foot instead of a right one.

So. What now.

There was a time when I would have given up. Assume that I had the formula wrong. But something about mad science like this — it can be a messy, imprecise enterprise, even for those who are good at it. When Mark was trying to turn me into a tree-human hybrid, it took six tries before the formula actually reconfigured my DNA in the right way. The first five times I just dissolved into a greenish goop.

Besides, now I'd already invested almost an hour into getting teddy bear ears, not to mention scaring a UPS man half to death.
I loaded up the machine again to turn my head back normal. Once that was back, I had an idea of what might come next. As Mark would put it, you 'isolate the subject.' I'll explain that in a second.

First I had to get my head back to normal. I prepared the machine to restore myself. I noticed the conductor cage on it was loose — no idea really if that make a difference or not, but I took it out and re-inserted in case that had been the problem. Trial and error, that was the strategy after all. And in this case, mainly error.

Leaned back, hit the button.

Pffrzt!

Ok. So. I shouldn't have messed with the conductor cage. But besides that, I was okay.

Now my head was on backwards. Not that big of a deal. See, I was planning on beheading myself anyways.

Yes, you read the correctly. 'Isolate the subject'. Believe me, I spend about as much time in this lab with my head detached from my body as I do in once piece. Some of Mark's favorite projects are building robot bodies for me to pilot around. And for the other, more 'biological' stuff, well, let's just say it's usually a good idea to leave my brain and good looks outside the zone of experimentation. Unless it happens to be a brain experiment. Although, that still typically involves decapitation. Such is my life here.

With only a bit of awkwardness, I shuffled backwards over to the fridge. Inside was a vial of Zarsen Labs Stabilizing Elixir, some kind of magical stuff that allows you to safely be in two pieces. Not that safety is usually a concern or anything. Shit, one time when we were testing out an origami body, I literally caught fire and burned to ashes. Took three days to re-grow everything in the Evolution Chamber. Although I love that name, it's kind of a misnomer. Call it the machine of last resort.

After a swig of that blue stuff — no idea what's in it by the way, except I do know that it will make you fail a drug test — I quite casually walked over to the laser cutter and went about setting it to slice off my head. We actually use an off-the-shelf laser cutter from a wood shop, just re-jiggered a bit so that the laser gets a bit more power than it should. The hard part is holding still while it slices through, because I get really ticklish on the inside of my neck.

I laid down on the table and waited for the timer to count down to zero. It made a ping noise, and then I felt the hot laser flash across my throat. Or was it the back of my neck, since my head was on the wrong way? Either way, my head faced down, my body faced up.

I heard the machine winding down, so I got up off the table. Except my head, that stayed where it was. I scooped it up and tucked it under my arm, and went back to the NMO-304.

This time I was even more thorough. Took out all the components, cleaned them with a bit of windex. Even wiped off the screen. Refreshed the program on the computer, re-loaded the program, re-initialized it all. Flushed the tanks with some distilled water, remixed the solution with unopened bottles of Triticulium-6 and Redifizer.

I put everything back together, being sure to set the conductor cage in properly this time. Although I suppose since my head wasn't attached, it couldn't really come out backwards. Well, actually I shouldn't suppose anything, I should just be happy my face was still on my face.

I set my head in the box, and closed it up.

"Here we go again," I said, finding the button with my headless body. I pushed it.

Prrggtch!

It took a moment for my headless body to find the latch on the box. Eventually I did, and clicked it open. I saw my empty shoulders and reached down to pick myself up.

Huh. That was interesting.

This time I'd 'succeeded'. Maybe. Well, instead of just one foot, I'd successfully turned my head into a pair of feet.

This also complicated my vision somewhat. It was as if each foot was responsible for one eye.

"This is actually pretty cool," said my feet. I spent a close to half an hour playing with my new, adjustable perspective. Depending on where, and how far apart I set my two feet, I could adjust my depth perception quite a bit. I took a while watching my body walk around the lab, bumping into stuff and tripping over things. It was pretty trippy.

But then I noticed the time. Shit, I was going to be late to this party. So, I could just show up as-is. It's a halloween party, and feet for a head would certainly be … well, I could make it work somehow. Actually, my friend Anna who invited me would certainly understand. She'd witnessed more than a couple experiments over here, even partook in one or two demonstrations. We once shrunk her down to six inches tall and then she got lost in a cupboard during a house party. True story.

So at the very least, she would appreciate the effort I had made. But the more I thought about it, it could be seen as tacky to have feet for a head. And most people would just think I was headless anyway, and they wouldn't talk to me. People do that when you don't have a head. They think you can't hear them for some strange reason.

Well, I might as well restore myself then. I could just carry around a regular head all night. Call it a headless horse-woman costume or some such nonsense.

I hastily loaded up the restorative program, mixed everything up and set my feet back in the machine. Checked and re-checked that I had the left and the right foot correctly placed. Who knows what could happen if those were wrong.

I pushed the button.

Pzdszzt!

Again with some fumbling I managed to open the box again. I looked up at my body reaching down, and was relieved to feel hair when I connected with whatever my head currently was.

I pulled myself out of the box, but something wasn't quite right.

"To the mirror!" I said, as if I needed to give my body directions. That's not really how it works, but I like to boss my body around anyway. It gives me a sense of control I suppose.

I got to the mirror and burst out laughing at myself. I must have missed a variable on the computer. I still had my feet from earlier, which were now connected directly to the base of my neck. I set myself down on the floor and watched myself walk around. I wasn't very fast, but I had made my head mobile at least.

Well, this would work, I decided. Not what I had in mind, but certainly an acceptable halloween transformation.

I started cleaning up. Put the chemicals away, washed out the tank on the NMO, saved the results on the computer.

Then I noticed the piece of paper where Mark had left directions. Was that a 1 or a L?

Fuck, his handwriting was terrible.

No. That was it. I'd been running the wrong program this whole time.

Once final try. And if that didn't work, well, I guess I would just show up with a shoebox full of feet and leave it at that. Fuck it. Here we go.

Mix it up, run the thing, push the button. Pzzrt! Simple as that.

Imagine my joy when I opened the box, reached down and felt some soft furry ears on top of my head. My body jumped up and down with excitement. I picked myself up and went over to check myself out in the mirror.

Upon seeing myself, I pretty much melted. Not only did I have those cute little ears, but I was still just a head with it's own pair of feet. I was adorable and a half. I was so happy that I couldn't stop giggling.

I scooped myself up, grabbed my jacket and purse, two pairs of shoes, and I was out the door. The party would just be starting. My timing couldn't have been better.