It had to be here somewhere. It had to be. How the hell do you lose something like that?

I retraced my steps through the apartment for the tenth time. I got home last night, I made food in the kitchen, I ate it in front of the TV. I cleaned up in the bathroom and then I was reading until I fell asleep.

So where, in all of that, did I lose my head?

Let me explain. My roommate Claire and I — we're amateur magicians. Not those glitzy girls in leotards who prance around on stage to poorly choreographed dance routines. No, we're just magic enthusiasts.

We've got the sawing table, the guillotine, the assortment of other props. Our basement looks a bit like a medieval dungeon. And we throw the best halloween parties ever.

So it was not exactly out of the ordinary that I didn't have a head. Honestly, I like taking my head off.

When you don't have a head, nobody is going to expect you to talk. They also assume you can't hear them either, which is frequently hilarious.

But like I said, we're amateurs. That means we have regular jobs. And currently, in our story, I was late to mine.

Now, all I need to do at my job is sit in an office and type. I don't actually need a head to do this, and if I had the choice, I wouldn't bring it in. It's just … well, heads are not required by the dress code, but let's just say I'm not trying to make any waves like that. I like my paycheck, and I'm not sure showing up headless is going to win me any points around the office. It'll probably just confirm a lot of the rumors.

I ended up back in the bathroom, looking at my headless body in the mirror. Perhaps I could grow another head? Maybe I could fake it. Shit, I was probably going to have to use a sick day for this.

I heard the front door close. It had to be Claire. Maybe she would know.

"Hey have you see — my head!"

She was wearing it. The mystery had been solved.

"Yea, I borrowed it last night."

"Last night? I went to sleep. You took it while I was asleep?"

"Sorry, I meant to be back sooner."

"You were out all night weren't you!"

Her empty response said everything.

"You skank!" I said. "Give it back, I've got to go."

"It's not like that. You remember that guy we met last Sunday when we went to Sid's? The one I thought he was cute but you didn't?"

"Sure. Creepy glasses guy. I remember him."

"His name is Carl. I gave him my number right, but then he called last night and was asking if I could set him up on a date with you. And I knew you'd say no, so I was going to ask you if we could swap. But when I got home you were already asleep."

"So you stole it!"

"No, I borrowed it. I'll give it back right now. I didn't think you'd mind."

"I don't mind. Usually. I just want to know when I'm lending out my head, because I have this job, and the people I work for expect me to have the same head on my shoulders, day after day."

"Well, it wouldn't be that way if you'd just show them the truth. I go to work headless."

"Yea, but you work in a very different kind of place. With artists and stuff. Synco is all stuffy and corporate. I don't think anyone there even knows that magic is real. Anyway, I have to get going. How are we going to do this. Or maybe I should ask, how the hell did you cut my head off without waking me up?"

"Paper bag trick."

"That'd do it. Here, this should work."

I went to the cupboard where we kept the grocery bags and got out a paper bag from Trader Joes. I set it down over her head and began to tap into the leylines. Building up a little bit of juju, I sent the magic into the paper bag and then picked it up. It was still as weightless at it would be were it empty, but I could feel the magical energy pulsing inside of it. I set it down on my shoulders and released the magic.

I could feel my face again. I let out a sigh as I took the bag off. Something wasn't right.

"God dammit!"

Claire started laughing.

"What are you waiting for?" she said. "Your heads back on. Get to work!"

"Very funny. Where's the twister?"

"C'mon it'd be soo funny if you went in with your head on backwards. I've done it! I'll wear my head backwards all day if you do this!"

"Let's be serious, I'm already late."

"Fine, be no fun then."

We went downstairs to where we kept the props and wheeled the twister box into the staging area. We'd removed the fake back panel and attached a much smaller headbox, one that actually fit the head of the magician inside it instead of the huge boxes that stage magicians use and somehow get away with. I got into the cabinet and put my head through the gap into the box.

"So creep glasses guy is into me now, huh?"

"No, I was honest with him."

She gave the cabinet a crank. My head started to turn.

"Oh, you just said, 'This isn't my head, it's my roommates who you thought was cute?'"

Another crank.

"Pretty much. I mean, I showed him some magic too."

She finished cranking. My head now faced the right way.

"Wait, showed him… like you…"

"Took my head off?"

A terrible thought entered my head.

"Wait, you stayed over… and took your head off… does that mean that…"

"Um… what do you want me to say? I can lie if you want. Does that make it easier?"

"You gave him head with my head! Ahh, that's so gross. I need to go brush my teeth. Now!"

"I already did that for you. That's why I was late getting back."

"I still need to. Get me out of this thing."

She opened the cabinet and stepped out of the way. It was hard to guess if she felt sorry or not because she still hadn't put her head back on. I stormed upstairs and rinsed my mouth out with scope. Three times.

"We'll talk about this later," I said, grabbing my keys.

Claire was waiting on the sofa when I got back that evening. It'd been a hellish day at work, getting in late and getting chewed out by my boss and I kept feeling like maybe I hadn't cleaned out my mouth enough. That guy… ehh… I just didn't like the look of him. How Claire could find him attractive was anybody's guess.

"Hey," I said wearily. By now I was more tired than mad.

"Hey," she said. "So I'm sorry that I stole your head. And that I did that other thing."

"Don't—" I cringed. "Don't bring that up. Please."

"Sure. But to make it up to you, I'm gonna be your victim all this week. Anything you wanna do, you can do to me, alright?"

"Really? All week, like, until Sunday?"

"Yea. But there is one small favor I wanted to ask."

"What's that."

"We have another date."

"Fine, but we are going to switch our mouths if such a thing is even possible."

"He said he really liked your lips!"

"Don't!"

"Fine. Well, let's get on with it. Let's go to the basement. I know you want to destroy me."

Claire and I have these strange tendencies. I guess the word is sadomasochism. It's not really a sexual thing, and when it is, we usually have some guys over. We're both pretty straight, and by that I mean we only date guys. That being said, we're amateur magicians in the most meaningful sense of "amateur." The literal meaning of the word is "one who loves." And we love magic, both practicing it on others and having it done to ourselves. It's a thrill that is hard to describe. Most people assume that it's entirely a sexual thing, and it can be, like I said. But in this case it usually isn't. Usually. Sometimes people get drunk, and I'll leave it at that.

"Yea," I said. "That sounds like fun. Let's get some beers and go down there."

A few minutes later we were down in the staging area, two cold Leinenkugels in hand.

My eyes searched over the poorly organized props littering the basement floor. There was something specific I wanted to start with.

"We're gonna start with the guillotine," I said. "Help me get it out."

"Really? That's a bit fast. They must have really come down hard on you."

"Yea, I'm pretty much going to have to work the next two saturdays because of you."

"Ouch. I'm sorry. Next time I'll ask first, and I won't spend the night like that."

"Yea, that's not going to stop me from cutting off your head."

"I never thought it would," she smiled.

We had to push some of the other trunks of things out of the way first, but we managed to wheel the guillotine out into the staging area. It wasn't much of a space, just a few mirrors and overhead lights. In one corner we had some upturned boxes we used as tables, and there some folding chairs for when we had people over for house magic shows.

I checked the stocks and the blade. Everything seemed to be working correctly. Just resting my hands against the frame I could feel the ley magic pulsing inside of it. The guillotine was one of the best props of our collection because it had Erocite crystals embedded in it. This meant it would charge on its own and we didn't need to raise any of the juju ourselves. You just lock someone in the stocks and let the rope go.

I got a basket out of the trunk and put a pillow in the bottom. I set it under the slot in the guillotine while Claire stretched out and lay down, sticking her head through the stock. I helped her get comfortable, then after taking up the slack on the rope I released the safety catch on the blade.

Slowly I pulled the blade up to the top and held it there.

"On three. You ready?" I asked.

"Sure."

"One." I let the blade go. It swiftly descended to the bottom of the frame and through Claire's neck, making a satisfying 'chunk' noise as it slid into place. Her head fell into the basket below. I smiled. I like cutting people's heads off. What's wrong with that?

"You didn't wait!" said Claire from the basket.

"What's that," I said, picking her up by the hair and letting her dangle in front me. "Oh, right. I let go too early."

"It's okay. I liked it." She stuck out her tongue.

I put her head on one of the boxes underneath the lights. From there she had a good view of the staging area.

"I guess I'm not getting my head put back on right now, am I?"

"You said a week as my victim. Your head, if I even give it back to you, isn't going to be back on your shoulders till I want it to be."

Claire grinned. "You're so hot when you take control. Can I at least have some beer?"

"Sure." I gave her a long gulp.

"Are you this forceful with your boyfriends? Because you should be."

"I've had a few moments," I said, helping her body out of the guillotine. Together we pushed it back to its spot behind the ping-pong table.

"I want to hear stories."

"And I want to put you on the drill."

"Ohh… it's been a while since we did that."

"I was just thinking about it the other day."

Together we pushed aside a few large boxes to get the big drill out. And when I say 'big drill' I don't mean the kind of 'big drill' you used to built your kids treehouse. I mean the bit was about four feet long and a foot in diameter.

It had a frame that went with it, one with locks that go around the assistants wrists and ankles to hold them in place. Or optionally, you point it straight up in the air and lower her onto it. My favorite was the frame, because then I could line it up behind her, then turn the drill on and push the frame back until we made contact. The victim can't see what's going on, and the look on their face when the drill comes through to the front, well, it's one of the reasons I love doing this.

Of course, with her head watching from the other end of the room, I might not get the surprise I was hoping for. I would save trump card for later — I was planning something special, for one of us to try when it seemed right. A vertical drilling. To send the drill right up Claire's ass until she was hollow all the way through her severed neck. The thought of it sent shivers down my spine, but I realized I wasn't going to do it this time. That was because I wanted to be the one to try it first.

Instead, I locked her into the frame as usual. Then I went to the drill and started to gather up energy. Unlike the guillotine, the drill was not well-crafted enough to charge itself. Only the guillotine, a few of our swords, and the compressor were self-charging. Everything else had to be done by hand.

Already sweating from building up the energy, I shoved all the juju into the drill and switched it on. It began to scream to life, the bit spinning around so fast you couldn't even see it. I turned a crank so the drill was lowered a bit — just at the right level to go through her stomach.

I came over to the frame with Claire's body locked inside it. Then, taking aim I shoved her towards the drill and let go. I wasn't really worried about where she ended up, but it turned out my push was pretty spot on. The bit caught her just in the small of her back, and very quickly emerged from the center of her stomach.

"Ahh!" squealed her head. Being drilled was a mix of pain, pleasure, and something else I don't have a name for. It also tickles like hell.

Careful not to touch the spinning end that was protruding, I went and extracted her body from the drill. Through her middle was a perfectly round gap where I could see through to the other side.

Her head on the table let out a gasp.

"That was intense," she said. "Do another!"

"You're enjoying this too much," I said.

"Oh, I meant, please no! Please don't drill another hole in me!"

"That's more like it."

Just for good measure, I drilled again, this one right through the middle of her chest. After that I unlocked her and we put the drill away.

"So you've chopped off my head and penetrated my body. Twice. Got anything else in store?" asked Claire.

"Let's do one more trick, and I'll leave you be for the night."

"Only one? Well, make it a good one."

I searched around for a while. I wasn't actually sure what else to do to her, but I knew if I looked around enough I could find something gratifying.

Behind the compressor I found an old cardboard box that I didn't remember. I opened the lid and started rummaging through the props. There was an air pump for inflating people. That would be fun, except I'd already drilled holes in her so I didn't think it would work. Then I found a zipper you can stick on someone's back and it turns them into a body suit. Well, again, there were the holes.

Then, there was … that other thing. It gave me an idea. Not for her but for me.

"I have to run this one by you," I said.

"No! I want surprises!"

"This one's different." I came back to where her head was set and showed it to her.

"The magic cock and balls! I didn't realize we still had that! It must be left over from the gender bending party we went to."

"Yea, that was the last time I remember it."

"You want me to try it on?" she squinted.

I just raised an eyebrow.

"Ooh…" Her confused expression gave way to a grin. "You're gonna put it on."

"I mean, this one might be over the line."

"No, no, I get it. You think that having me suck you off will make things alright after I sucked him off with your head. That makes sense."

"I wasn't looking for it, I swear."

"Sure, sure. You found it by accident. If you say so. But to answer your question, yes. I think it's a good idea."

"Are you sure?" I asked quietly. I was blushing. I was supposed to be in charge and I was asking permission.

"C'mon, it's just one girl sucking off another. Don't make it weird."

I giggled. "Let's at least go upstairs first."