"A magician, eh?"
This was at a party. I'd just met this girl, her name was Rosa.
"I used to be." I smirked. I was out of beer.
"Show me a magic trick!"
They all say that.
I sighed. I held up my hand to say no.
"I'm retired."
"Oh?"
"That's the short explanation."
"What's the long one?"
"It's boring."
"Tell me."
"Maybe later."
She came back when I went out to smoke a cigarette. Gotta quit those, I know. I was gonna quit a lot of things.
"So what's your story then?" she asked
"I was joking," I said. A lie, sure. A forgivable one though.
"Yea, I didn't think you were for real."
"Isn't that the point, is that it's not real?"
"I guess it would be."
"Yea."
I took a long puff on the cigarette. I looked at her. Click.
I saw her eyes grow wide as she exhaled the smoke.
"What the fuck was that?" she said, gasping. "I wasn't. Did you?"
I nodded. I gotta stop doing that.
"That was amazing. How did you do it?"
"Magic." I shrugged. Took another puff, this one I blew out myself.
"But in my… I can't…"
"You know what, it'll be easier if you just don't worry about it. It's not real, it's magic."
"But it just happened?"
"You must be crazy. It defies the laws of physics."
"So I imagined that?"
"Look, whatever you gotta do to deal with it. Sure, you imagined it, or hallucinated, or you're on drugs. I don't know. Just don't read into it to much, cause frankly it's just not going to add up."
She stared at the bugs circling the back porchlight. Then she said, "What else can you do?"
"I need a beer, you need a beer? Let's go get a beer."
Inside it was loud. I could change the topic. For a while. I started to like her a little bit. She was an interesting girl, liked to travel, well-read. Talked about herself, didn't ask me too many questions. Things I like.
But after a bit she took the cigarettes out of my pocket and gestured towards the back door again. I had a feeling it was leading to that.
"Alright, now." She took a cigarette and lit it. "This way, I'll never know if you teleport smoke into my lungs. Show me something else."
"That is the worst justification I've ever heard."
"It's all your getting."
"Well, I'm just gonna say this once. You think the last one freaked you out, this one's gonna be way weirder. Give me your left hand."
She did, assuming a skeptical look. Holding her wrist in my right, I took her hand in my left, gave it that special twist. Yanked it right off at the wrist and stuck it in my pocket. Then holding her wrist firmly so she didn't get away - sometimes they try and get it away, it's understandable, but it ruins the trick - I popped off my left hand and stuck it to her wrist.
Not an easy trick to learn, I'll tell you that.
Not a safe one either.
"I'm gonna need that back later." I told her.
She just flexed it in front of her eyes for a minute. This usually happens. Then she'll have a huge anxiety attack, and probably start crying. That happens quite a bit, hence I have something of a reputation for making random girls cry. But hey, she asked for another trick. The all ask.
"This is unbelievable!" she finally said. She surprised me. She looked, well, happy. Amazed. But not scared. Not even worried.
"You can put it back right?" Okay, so maybe a little worried.
"Look, if you think you're gonna keep my hand, I'm just lending it to you. And it's due, hm… right now."
I pointed out my stump. My hand jumped off her wrist and crawled up her arm, over her shoulders and down her other arm.
She shrieked, but started laughing.
She handed me back my hand. There's a thought for you. I did, then pulled her hand out of my pocket. I stuck it back on her wrist, but kept a hold of her hand.
I leaned over and quietly said, "I think you've the makings of a magician's assistant."
"Oh? Thank you. Why would you say that, though?"
"Call it emotional fortitude."
"You mean I didn't freak out."
"Exactly."
"Well, I think it's really… awesome. I'm still not sure how to process it, but in the moment it's just so amazing that I well, don't think about it."
"That's what I recommend."
"Well. How about one more trick, and I'll stop bugging you."
"Yea, okay. If that's the prize, any trick is worth it."
"Oh, ha ha. Maybe I don't wanna see your trick then."
"Sure you do. But we can't do it here, where there are witnesses."
"If you hadn't just switched our hands, that would be … okay, it's still creepy!"
We went inside again, found an empty room. Locked the door. People can think what they want.
"So what's this next trick?" She looked at me and smiled.
"I make you disappear."
"You could just ask." She got up to go.
"Nah." I smiled. "I'll show you. Take off your jacket."
I took her jacket from her and lay her down on the bed. Lying the jacket over her legs, I made some motions over her legs with my hands.
"What does that do?"
"Nothing. It's a distraction. See? You didn't even notice."
"Notice what?"
I picked up the jacket. Underneath it, her legs had vanished, leaving only her empty black skirt.
She brought a hand to her mouth, suppressing laughter. "That's a good trick."
"It's not over yet. Sit back."
She lay back, and I reapplied her jacket, poofed her arms next. After that, well, she just lay there. What else was she gonna do?
I paused, after that, sitting down next to her. "Okay, so I think this is a good time for a story."
"You just vanished my limbs and now you wanna tell me a story?" She expounded.
"About why I retired."
"Oh, I wanna hear that."
"It wasn't by choice. Years and years ago, I used to be a magician, yea. I had a partner and we toured around doing small private shows for, well, a very discreet audience of people who pay very well. I thought I had a good thing going, I got a bit cocky and I made a few mistakes, did some things I shouldn't have. Then my assistant walked out on me, joined up with another magician. I didn't realize it, but she was the real talent behind the act, and she was the one with the right connections. But I still know all the tricks."
"And you deploy them at parties to impress girls. I get it. It's … unique? I like it."
"I appreciate that. But I should finish the trick."
"Oh right. Well, I wouldn't want to get in the way, would I?" She grinned.
I lay her jacket over her torso, leaving only her head exposed. Abracadabra.
"Woah," she said. I picked her head up in one hand, and held it out, facing me. She began laughing, once again.
"I really don't see what's so funny," I said. "You're about to be non-existant. Poof. Gone."
"Okay, but before you make me disappear, just so you know, I'd really like to get your phone number."
I tossed her jacket over her head. I'd have to think about that.
I went back to the party. Wrote my phone number of a napkin, stuck it in the jacket pocket. I found one of her friends, told them she'd left but she forgot her jacket. Her friend said she'd take it over and drop it by her house. Worked out perfectly. I biked home, drank another beer and passed out.