I woke up covered in sweat. I’d been having some weird dreams. Super-freudian type dreams, things about castration and if you can ever really trust a woman.

You’d get that way too if your thaumatologist girlfriend had magically made your package detachable and decided to keep it at her house overnight. It brings a new meaning to the phrase, “got you by the balls.” I mean, she might just get upset and throw it in a dumpster. People do those things. Watch the news.

But then again, you might forget all of that when you feel a certain hum, and then a warm wet something. And if that happens, you pretty much forget everything else.

You might forget that you were supposed to be at work thirty minutes ago.

Oh shit.

I dropped my keys when I got to the door. It’d just been that kind of morning. I’d somehow managed to talk my way out of being fired. I might have made some promises to my boss that I shouldn’t have. I don’t know. I was getting a remote blow job at the time, so it was pretty difficult to remember.

My hands were shaking. All I could think about was taking a shower, drinking a beer, and slowly vegging out watching Sunday football.

But Lisa must have had other plans for the afternoon. Don’t ask me how she got into my apartment. She’s a magician, so I didn’t think too much into it. The first thing

I saw was a shoebox. The same black Adidas box from her apartment. I flipped off the top, and there it was with a little note stuck to it.

“I hope I didn’t wear this out, cause there’s a special surprise on its way!”

Somehow, I felt a little exposed so I put the lid back on the box. I took off my shoes and turned on the TV. But my attention kept turning back to the box. Yea, okay, I thought. It’s time to put everything back where it goes.

I picked it up and went into my bedroom. I’d just undone my belt when something stopped me cold in my tracks.

Poking out from the comforter on my bed was somebody’s foot. I flung off the cover, and lying there naked was Lisa.

Well, some of Lisa. Half of her really. A pair of legs and hips, smoothly tapering off as though she’d never even had an upper half. Her legs rubbed against one another, and a foot reached out to me. I took it in my hand, gaping. My fingers found their way all the way up her leg to her deliciously perfect ass.

I took the lid off the shoebox. I could watch the game later. I had other things to do.

Something woke me up. I sat up sleepily and realized there was a foot nuzzling against my stomach. I turned over, giving her a kiss on the thigh and smiled.

“Hi there,” said Lisa. I looked up. She was standing right at the edge of the bed.

“Ah—” I sat bolt upright, throwing the cover over the legs behind me. “Uh…”

“You two-timing son of a bitch. I should’ve kept your dick and thrown it off a bridge.” Her voice sounded like ice. Really pissed off ice. She reached down and yanked off my cock.

“I didn’t — I thought — that you — it’s not what I meant!”

“I’ll show you what happens when you go behind my back. Where’s your food processor?” She shook it in my face.

I was about ready to cry. She had my balls pretty tight.

“Please—”

“Please this.” She shoved it into her mouth. And swallowed it.

I just gaped at her. Then, like an idiot I smiled. What else was I gonna do.

She started giggling. And then laughing. Nervously, I started with her.

“I had you going,” she said.

“Yea.”

“You should have seen your face. You looked like you wanted to die.”

“I was pretty scared. So these are yours, somehow?”

She nodded. From the other side of the bed, her legs shimmied out of the covers and stood up, walking around the bed beside her.

“Just another trick I’ve got,” she said.

“What about my uh…”

“Oh this?” She lifted up her skirt. Almost poked me in the eye. “Yea, I thought I’d borrow it again.”

“For?”

“Oh, me and my other legs here were gonna go have some fun. I’ll see you later.”

She started to walk out. I grabbed her ass before her second pair of legs could leave.

“Hang on,” I said.

“Yea, I thought so,” she said. The legs slipped back under the covers next to me. She came and pulled the blanket up to my chin. And then…

“Gotcha! God you’re so gullible.”

She tucked my head under her arm and walked out into the kitchen. Setting me down on the counter she got out a bag of microwave popcorn.

“I mean, after you cheated on me with that hot little piece of ass, did you really think I’d just walk in and fuck you right away?”

“Has anyone ever called you manipulative? I’m just wondering.”

“Has anyone ever told you you’re just a head? Cause that’s all you are.”

“Was that even a comeback?”

“I’ll show you a comeback.” She lifted up her skirt again and grabbed it with both hands. For a minute, she just danced around, smirking at me wickedly, a hand on her cock the whole time.

“Wow, that’s really hot,” I said sarcastically.

“You wanna give me a blowjob while I watch the game?”

“Honestly? No.”

“Try again.”

“Nope?”

“Wrong.”

“No way?”

“What’d you say? Yes?”

“No?”

“Yes?”

“Absolutely never?”

“I heard absolutely!” She picked me up, grinning wickedly.

The microwave beeped. She opened it and took out the bag, emptying it into a bowl. With the popcorn and my head she went over to the couch where the game was still playing.

“Okay then,” she said, spreading out her skirt. She set me in her lap. It was so close that…

I gave it a kiss. Call it an impulse.

She gasped. “Oh wait, you’re really gonna do it?”

“No, I was just being nice.”

“Oh, please, please! I’ve never gotten this far before. C’mon, I’ve always wanted a blowjob from a guy.”

“It’s just—”

“I’ll do it with you!” She twisted her head sideways and held it there. Her eyes closed for a moment. Then, she set her head down with mine, cheek to cheek.

“If you do this with me,” she said, “I’ll be your toy for three days.”

“That’s… a tempting offer.” I reached out my tongue. “Whose gonna swallow?”

“Two more days if you do.”

“Only two?”

“Fine. A week.”

“Worth it.” I gave a lick.

“Oh wow. You’re amazing,” said Lisa. She pulled it off of her crotch. “This is spent.”

“Give it a few minutes.”

“I’ve got a better idea.”

She picked up my head and before I could resist, stuffed the whole thing into my mouth. It was only in there for a moment, before she magicked it away.

“I thought that was over with,” I said.

“Thought what was over with?” She picked up her own head used it to kiss me. Her tongue shot into my mouth. I kissed her back hard. It felt great. Maybe because I was just a head.

Then something started happening. It felt like my tongue was swelling up. I couldn’t close my mouth. Because, as you might have guessed, my new tongue was just too big to fit in there.

“Oh mah gah,” I said.

“What’s that sweetie?” She stuck her head on her shoulders again, and picked me up facing her.

“Leth ake ot,” I said. It’s a little hard to talk when your tongue is erect.

“Yes, let’s do that.” She started kissing it, sliding it into her mouth until our lips met. Then she spun me over so I was upside down, and began to slide back and forth again. This went on for a minute, until she pulled me off, giggling.

“I just thought of something,” she said. “I’m giving head to a head!”

I tried to laugh.

“Let’s fuck,” she said. She set me down on the couch. Then, she zoned out for a moment. When she picked me up again, something was different. Her nose and mouth were gone. In their place, well, let’s just say making out got a whole lot more interesting.