“Next game,” said Sophie’s voice. “Everyone get’s their head back.”
I was currently attached to Miles’ body, as he was using me to eat a piece of pie. My head was forcibly ejected, everything was spinning, until I landed, and looked down at my hands. My hands? Yes they were my hands. And the rest of me, well, I was all back together again. I gave myself a good pat down and noticed a couple others checking their necks with their hands. Kind of a natural thing to do, I guess.
“Next is…” said Sophie, turning to Jenn.
“A drinking game!” shouted out Rick, one of the newcomers.
“Alright, we’ll play Pirate. Someone get the rum, it’s in the freezer. And the rest of you, get in the living room and sit down.”
We all assembled, gradually, most of us taking the time to get another drink or use the bathroom. A couple minutes later, Jenn came in with a shining steel saber, that looked very real, a flintlock pistol, that looked very much like a toy, and a pirate hat.
“Arrr!” she said, standing at the center. “The rules be simple. Each of ye twill receive a wound from yer adventures upon th’ high seas, and ye’ have to tell us the tale of how it came. But, if ye mess up and tell the same tale twice, or if yer pirate accent should drop inta one of them landlubber dialects, well, we pirates be a forgivin sort, provided ye can pay up wit a few swats o this harr little bitty.” She held up the sword for everyone to see.
“En,” she continued, “Upon completin yer unique tale of woe, ye must give us all a good ‘arrr’ and drench out yer sorrows in the bottle. If ya ferget to drink, then you ferget your mates, and we shoot off your head with this little girlie.” She raised up the pistol.
“Any quarrels? Good!”
She thrust the bottle to Sophie, who was sitting to my left. “She’ll be the first, she will. Tell us m’dere, how’d ye lose that leg of yers?”
I hadn’t even noticed, but while Jenn had been talking, our first pirate wounds were in full effect. Sophie, the first up, had only half a left leg, the remainder being replaced appropriately by a peg.
“Aye, m’lassie,” said Sophie without delay. “Twas in december upon tharr high seas o th north, when I set upon a cutter, with nary a cannon to her. We were to take the ship without a fight, when, up from the hold springs a lad o her majesty’s navy. I took him but left him breathing, then stood ova him and asked ‘Ye gonna quits now,’ only he takes his dagger and zzt! Chops me leg clean off. Well, I didna take kindly to that, so I took me leg and beat his skull in. Arr!”
Sophie took a swig of the rum. Then she passed me the bottle. I reached for it, until I realized that, of course, I had a hook for a hand.
And of course, I was still next.
“Umm…” I hesitated. Just then, Jenn swung with the sword, nearly hitting me.
“It was… on the far side of the world,” I said, trying not to laugh, “where I was set upon by three of her majesties fleetest ships. I was up on the poop deck at the time, when a cannonblast came and…”
“And?” Jenn raised the sword.
“Cut off my arm?”
“Wrong! A pirate says ‘me arm.’ Which ye be losin this round anyhow.” She swung, casually, striking me just below the shoulder. My arm fell off and lay on the floor.
“Now drink!” She commanded.
“Arr,” I said, and handed the bottle to Miles, who was just suddenly wearing an eyepatch.
Miles told a rousing, minute long story of how his eye was shot out by the Chief of the Ulawa after his daughter fell in love with him on one of his piratin’ adventures. He finished with an Arr and a long swig. After him, came Alice, the other new girl. She didn’t even have the experience of a previous game, and just by the look on her face I could tell she wasn’t going to make it through this first one very well.
“Now, you there,” said Jenn, “The girl without a right hand! Share with us yer tale.”
“My hand?” She held up her hand with shock to see it ending in a stump. “Where’s my hand?”
“That’s exactly what we be askin ye!”
“It got chopped off…”
“Talk like a pirate god help ye!” Jenn swung the sword, disarming Alice as she had done to me.
“It… When I was a wee lass,” she said, finally changing her accent, but turning red, “And they’d caught me, said I’d been thievin them jewleries from the shopkeepers. And for that offense, they chopped off me arm.” She broke into a fit of nervous giggling.
“What’s so funny! It’s a tragedy!” shouted Jenn, waving around the sword in the air.
“I’m sorry, it’s just so funny to be saying so.”
“Well, I’ll tell you a joke!” Jenn swung the sword again, cutting off Alice’s other arm. “Now! Drink!”
“Arr!” she said, and with a bit of help lifting the bottle, took a long swig of rum.
We kept going through everyone. A couple more people laughed and had an extra wound inflicted, but it wasn’t until Mary that someone forgot to say Arr.
I didn’t notice, but Jenn sure did. Mary bent back to take a swig, then, quick as lightning, Jenn had the toy pistol up, and when she pulled the trigger, a medium loud bang went off and Mary’s head toppled from her shoulders.
“Aww boo,” said her head.
“Ye be fergetting ye pirate manners. One more chance, or I’ll put another hole in ye.”
“Arr,” said Mary, picking up her head and tilting it to meet the bottle.
“Thar game be finished now?” asked Maya.
“Nay!” shouted Jenn. “We merely shot her head off, she has to finish out like the rest of ye lot. We go until we have a couple of stumpies without no arms or legs, then we’ll have us a race.”
“And place bets,” added Sophie.
“Aye. Now onward! Soon, shall be me own tale, the saddest tale o all.”
After everyone had gone, it was Jenn’s turn. Sophie now rotated into the middle to take over the spot with the sword and pistol. Jenn sat down, and looked around.
“We’ve been curious, miss,” said Sophie, “Wherever did you get that hole through the middle?”
Jenn bent over to look at her stomach, where a round hole about six inches wide went right through her. She wiggled a finger in the hole smiling, then turned to face everyone.
“Twas in the summer months of fifty seven, when we was taking a Frenchie. I was one o th’ first to board her, only there was a collision and she swung free o the grapples and I was flung into the water. I climbed, then, up the hull of the ship, only to find meself facing o’er one of her cannons, loaded and ready ta bang. And thar, I says ta meself, it’s better to take a hole through the middle than to have me head blown off and have to dive back to get it, so I just kept climbing up. Sure enough, a second later, thars a loud bang, and I look down and ain’t had a belly button since. Arr.”
And then, suddenly, I was on the spot again. I really should have been thinking of a story to tell.
“Ermm…” Sophie made another swipe, and I was de-armed completely.
“I was visitin thar new world, when the govnor’s men were to capture me and lock me up in the dungeon of the fort by th’ cape. Only, so happens they forgot to lock up me legs, only me arms. So I says to meself, why stick about just for two lousy arms? And I run’t off and jumped on the first ship askin’ for a footman. Arr!” I took a drink, best I could.
We went around again. Alice quickly lost out, unable to quell her giggling, ended up losing both her legs, and becoming the first entry in the race. Everyone made their way around again, Mary adding her headlessness into the story of her missing leg, Alex being unable to finish and losing both of his legs, and then, all of a sudden, it seemed like Jenn was talking again and I was next.
“Didya see it coming?” asked Sophie, to Jenn.
“See what coming?” she squinted.
“The time you lost your eye,” and with that, embedded the sword into Jenn’s eye, up to the hilt. A chorus of laughter, mixed with a general “eww” came up from everyone.
Jenn, to her credit, didn’t even flinch. Nor did she remove the sword, as she told us about the time a dastardly assassin from the magistrates office had infiltrated her crew and stabbed her through the eye on night, only to have her—
“But I take out his own blade, see!” And she ripped the saber from her face, her eyeball bouncing away in a comic touch, “and with that I cut him right through the heart,” and she impaled Sophie, sticking her fast to the sofa.
“And then, to make positive the cretin didn’t escape, I took care of his legs.” She drew out the sword, and swiped it through Sophie’s thighs. “And to ensure he didn’t fight back, I took away his arms too. And entered him in the Stump Race!”
“Stump race!” shouted Sophie, throwing her um… stumps up into the air.
“Okay, it’s Sophie versus Alice,” said Jenn, “Everyone else has to bet on them, so find someone to bet with.”
“And what do we bet?” I asked, turning to raise an eye to Miles.
“Oh, pieces of ourselves, you know.”
“Alright. I’ll take Sophie.”
“Fine. What’s the bet then?”
“I want your arms if I win.”
“Deal. If I win, I get your torso.”
Alice and Sophie were lined up at the far end of the living room. Alice still had a little bit more of her legs left, but I wasn’t about to give her any kind of advantage. As I figured, Sophie was probably used to this, and at the very least, she must have done it before.
They started the race. Alice actually picked it up pretty fast after watching Sophie. It was a mix of wriggling and pushing with their stumps at first, and it wasn’t clear if one or the other was going to emerge with a real lead.
The crux of it came a minute or so later, at the end of the hallway where they had to turn around and come back. Alice’s legs, abridged as they were, were far better suited for this, as Sophie pretty much ended at the hip. Alice was turned around coming back before Sophie had even managed to roll over, and so all the way back, I was pretty much resigned to my loss.
“Alright, everyone settle up,” said Jenn, turning to Jesse and saying, “Now gimme those hands.”
“What are you gonna do with a torso anyway,” I asked, as Miles popped my head free and set it down on the coffee table.
“I think I’ll keep it in my room. I can… Wear it sometimes.” He took a hold of my body and twisted it. It came free at the waist.
“When you need some boobs.”
“Sure. On those days.”
“Creepy.”
“You want to see creepy?” He picked up my head and set it down on the rest of me, attaching my neck to the flat cross-section of my waist.
“This isn’t creepy,” I said. “This is kinda cute.” I stood up and began to dance a little bit. “Tell me I’m not adorable.”
“Alright, fine. You’re adorable.”
“No, you are.”
You can probably guess that I was pretty drunk at this point. Not five minutes later we were making out.