Joe nearly dropped the six pack of beer he brought over to the Johnsons. In front of him stood his friend, he thought, but he looked shorter. About 1 head shorter than he saw Ben last week. Joe jumped back after registering the ghoulish sight extending his hand out to grab the beer, all the while while his wife Jess tried stifling her laugh and her light brown ponytail bouncing with every chuckle. Jess was in on the whole set-up and couldn't contain herself much longer.
***
Jess had caught up with Kate two weeks ago when Kate dropped the news on her. Jess does have the uncanny ability that enabled people to trust her with their secrets, and this was one of those, intimate secrets. Kate, her friend since high school, was a little reluctant to reveal that her and her husband Ben were hitting a snag in their relationship - a bit of boredom, feeling unheard, and feeling distant all together. They had been in couples therapy for a few weeks to help their marriage, she was explaining to Jess, when the therapist suggested something shocking, rather cutting-edge.
“We got a [garble],” Kate said over the phone.
“OH MY GOD WHAT. How are you holding up? Want me to come over with some wine and ice cream?!”
“No, what? I said we got a guillotine,” Kate replied, confused.
“Ah, uh what? What does that have to do with the couple’s counseling?” Jess remarked, even more confused.
“I mean I’ll still take you up on ice cream and wine night, I don’t think we’ve had a sleepover since that volleyball tournament during senior year. But maybe another night. I want to be with Ben the night before the procedure,” Kate explained.
“OK, back up and explain it for me…”
***
Ben’s body stepped aside to let Joe and Jess inside the house. Above the polo shirt, the neck looked smooth, as if covered in skin that had been there the whole time. Ben and Joe were about the same height and build before Ben got chopped, so it was weird for Joe to tower over him.
Kate came out around the corner from the kitchen, spilling out with laughter at the sight of stoic Joe scared out of his mind. Jess joined in again with a full belly laugh. “Kate, you did a great job with his new haircut,” as she ran her fingers over the stump. Ben straightened up with a jolt at the touch, his neck turning a bit red.
Joe started with, “Alright, someone tell me what’s going on here. Where is Ben’s head? How is he still…?
“I’m over here,” came a familiar voice down the hall. Sure enough, placed on a makeshift mount of scrap wood was Ben, set on the coffee table. Or at least Ben’s head.
When they all walked into the living room, Kate and Ben decided to let Joe in on everything after having a bit of fun.
Their therapist, after careful analysis of their sessions, had proposed a solution. Ben’s love language was touch and intimacy, but his long hours at work sometimes meant the chores around the house didn’t get done and his energy would be drained. Kate’s love language was acts of service, so she felt her efforts around the house were not reciprocated, making her resent Ben for letting things fall by the wayside and causing many an argument. It would be difficult for her to be in the mood for Ben, and it compounded to a point that they sought some expert help.
Their therapist Sam prescribed an experimental French technique. Ben would be decapitated but still alive after the separation. His head could do as he pleased, whether that meant spending time in Kate’s lap, catching up on their days or relaxing with the TV, while his body would be put to work. Bodies, Sam explained, are a little less reserved with their heads removed and more open to suggestion. So, Ben or Kate would instruct Ben’s body to start cleaning or folding laundry (Ben’s body could whip up a nice cocktail but cooking was another story). His body could accomplish the tasks without complaints, but it would come with a catch - BEEBEEBEEEEBEEP.
The timer for the oven went off in the kitchen, The girls shot up from the sectional.
“Shit, the lasagna is done, I’m going to start laying out plates. Jess, meet me in the kitchen and toss my salad?” Kate smirked, bumping her hip against Jess’ rear playfully.
“Does that joke ever get old? I’m coming. Let the guys have some boy time.”
“Sounds good”, Kate said, straightening her sundress, leaning over and mussing up Ben’s hair.
Kate and Jess walked into the kitchen but not before a little squeeze on Kate’s ass as she walked by Ben. Joe thought she leaned into it. After moving to the same neighborhood a few years ago and getting to know Ben and Kate more, Joe couldn’t think of a time where they were more affectionate? Like a weight had been lifted between them. Well, I guess about 10lbs had been removed, Joe thought to himself.
Ben shifted his legs to cross right over left.
“So, you can control that? Moving your legs and walking around?” Joe asked.
“Yes, but it’s like a weird connection. I can think about moving my leg and sometimes my body catches the vibe, but it’s on mostly autopilot and can operate on its own. I can feel everything so some days I am a bit worn out when we reconnect but it makes me feel productive to be in two places at once. Right now, I just save the separation for time at home - I don’t think work is ready to deal with it and Sam said it’s best left for home or close friends. It is pretty nice to send my ass to the basement for a workout while I catch an extra 45 mins of snoozing.”
Joe laughed. Not a bad idea, he thought. “So, it’s not permanent? You can go back on your body?”
“Yep, just have to place it on like this,” Ben says as he puts his head on his neck. “And then pull or twist like this,” as Ben pops off his head and places it on a pillow between Joe and his body,
“Whoa. Ok, so you have a body that does your every command, what’s the catch that Kate was saying?...
***
“Jess, it’s the best thing that’s happened to us. Really brought a spark back, not to mention it feels like we are running our house more smoothly.”
Jess took a large swig of her wine glass. “A spark, huh?” her voice lowering, eyes darting to make sure the boys aren’t overhearing.”So have you and Ben, without his …”
Kate smiled through her glass. “Jessica, asking a personal question like that, how dare you. Of course, we were playing about 30 mins before you came over. Doggy style is more fun when you can hold his head and kiss.”
Jess blushed. “Ohhh…”
“That’s the side effect, since his body is his personality without the brain to hold him back, he’s horny more often than not. That’s why he’s wearing tighter jeans on a 90 degree day, I don’t want his dick being the first thing you see.”
***
“You still have the guillotine in the garage?” Joe asked.
“If my head stays on for about a week straight, Sam said it won’t come off with a pull so I’d have to get it cut off again. I didn’t want to have to arrange for travel to her office 30 minutes away and insurance was able to pay for delivery and install of a guillotine at home. Come on, pick me up, I’ll show you.”
“You convinced insurance that you had a medical need for a guillotine. Man, nice job swinging that. Ok, do I pick you up on the sides or under or what’s comfortable?”
“Hold me like a football tucked under the arm is fine. I know you weren’t a running back so please don’t fumble me,” said Ben.
Joe picked Ben’s head up from the couch, It was a bit heavier than he expected and secured it in his right arm. “Hey next time I’ll have to see if I can still throw a post pattern to your stone hands. Hey Ben’s body, lead the way and grab us two beers out of the fridge in the garage.”
Ben’s body stood up, pulled up the back of his jeans and walked towards the garage. Joe followed in tow, still in awe seeing a headless body navigate the house while Joe held his friend’s head in his hands. What seemed impossible a few hours ago opened up possibilities. Not how he expected the night to go.
The wooden structure loomed large in the garage - they had to move one car out to the driveway to accommodate it. The sheen of the polished blade hit Joe’s eye, sending a curious shiver down his spine. And down a bit further.
Ben’s body returned with two bottles and sat down on the guillotine’s bench. Joe figured Ben would want his head back to drink the beer and handed it to him - Ben set his head on his lap and tipped the glass to his lips.
As the husbands enjoyed a cold one, the wives came in the garage to announce dinner was ready. Jess stepped in and stood a little slack jawed, admiring the power of the device and finally taking a few steps around to inspect it.
“I meant to ask, did it hurt, Ben?” said Jess as her eyes followed a path from the blade to the empty basket below. Her fingers started to run through her ponytail.
Ben finished his sip and gave his head to Jess to hold. “No, the part that hurt the most was landing in the basket without padding. Thanks Kate -” Ben side-eying towards his wife - “you were so excited for me to lose my head you forgot the pillow. Anyway, it chops your head off too fast for you to feel much. There’s no blood and no clean-up, which is nice. After that, the stump is a bit sensitive on both my neck and head but in a good way.”
Jess held Ben’s head tightly, as her mind raced with ideas she lost track of how much pressure she was squeezing in her fingers.. She quickly snapped out, noticing she was gripping too tight and handed Ben back to his body and apologized. “No worries. I think dinner is ready. Kate, grab the rubber mat for my spot at the table and CATCH!” Ben tossed his head through the air and Kate caught the noggin against her chest. Muffled, Ben said, “Nevermind, maybe I’ll stay here instead.”
Kate mimed punting the head across the room. “Alright let’s eat before it gets cold.”
***
The rest of dinner and drinks went largely uneventful, as much as one night can where one guest has his head lopped off. On the short walk home, Jess and Joe held hands and analyzed what happened that evening.
“They seem to be doing really well, much happier than I remember,” Joe said.
“Definitely, they were sweeter to each other. Way friskier too. Kate was totally flashing his head to let him peek under her dress when we first sat down.”
Joe caught himself gulping. Lucky guy. These old volleyball girls did have nice legs and took care of them, he thought. Jess and Kate were regulars at the bootcamp fitness center now that they lived in the same neighborhood.
“Well, probably not 100% a coincidence Ben set his head down on your cushion and have you accidentally sit on him,” Joe mused.
“Says the guy who held Ben’s head in his lap the most. Kate said you looked natural holding a head. Maybe next time it will be your decapitated noggin I sit on.” Jess said as she wiggled her hips, grinding into an imaginary couch.
Joe mustered up some courage as they approached their driveway, He reached for his neck. “So…would you be ok if I… borrow their guillotine next weekend? We could have a little pool party in their backyard to celebrate my headlessness and watch the game?”
“I thought you would never ask” said Jess, breathlessly. “I’ll text Kate tomorrow. We could use a cabana boy or two.”