Yuletide Yearning

Rosa stands on her back porch. White covers her dark hair as sadness coats her heart. The smell of baking cookies reaches her nose. Multicolored lights from the neighbor's roof illuminate the creases on her face as she searches the sky for answers. Through the open back door that is letting the cold air in squeezes a slow chorus.

"No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start"

Tears well up in her eyes. She clutches her stomach. Her warm, weeping breath creates miniature clouds while her silent tears rain onto the deck.

"No. No. Nooooo." Her sobs fill the frigid air. "It's not fair! If I'd just met Steven earlier … instead of just this year."

Her eyes blur more as a memory comes. A car crumpled. Grill and hood crushed. Smoke rising from the wreckage. Blood dripping from the door and windshield. Two figures slumped in …"

She shakes her head to clear the thoughts. "NO! I will not think about my parents so soon." Desperate not to think of her parent's recent death, she shifts to a less disturbing thought.

"Steven's coming. I have to tell him." She reminds herself again, "If I had known him for several years, he wouldn't be going to that college across the country. And now," she pushes the returning memory away, "now I will need to work full time just to keep a roof over my head."

She crumples to the wood platform. As she curls up in the cold, she lets it all out. "Why? Why? Why? Why me? Why now?"

The scent of baking begins to mix with smoke. Her red, irritated eyes spring open. She staggers to a standing position. "The cookies!"

The baked goods leave the oven a little charred. She places them on the tiles to cool and heads to the living room where the tree stands tall and proud covered in decorations. To combat the memories threatening to return, she focuses on happy images of putting up the tree and decorating it as a family. The singer finishes another verse.

"And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend"

The doorbell rings startling her out of her revelry. Rosa looks to the entrance and knows who's there. Despair fills her heart. She rehearses her lines as she trudges to him. "Steven, I can't do this. With you going away to college and my parents dying unexpectedly, I'm going to have to break up with you. I'm sure you'll find someone else, and I'll be too busy. And then we won't have to make a long distance relationship work. It's for the best. Really." She grabs the door knob and tries to convince herself. "I can do this."

She opens the door to find her boyfriend slightly dazed. His combed, brown hair has raised tuffs where he ran his hand through without thinking. A plain scarf wraps around his neck once and then dangles along his down jacket and partially covers the present under his arm. Upon spotting her his face turns to concern. "Rosie? Are you alright? Your eyes are –"

She cuts him off, "Steven, we need …" she's reminded why she loves him and delays her speech, "we need to come inside. It's cold."

She leads them through the small foyer and past the hall that runs the length of the house to the living room by the empty kitchen. They sit on the sofa. She tries again, "Steven, I –"

He thrusts the brightly decorated present at her. "Rosa, here."

She takes the box he offers. "Is it for me?"

"Yeah, the strange man said it's for you."

She takes her eyes off the gift to send a concerned look at her boyfriend. "Strange man?"

"Yeah. He had a blue turban and mismatched colors of clothes. I think he said his name was Hasid.  And he said this was a Yuletide Yearning, whatever that is, and it will give you whatever you want.

Steven checks his brain for accuracy. "He seemed like such a nice guy and since it is Christmas, he's probably some guy doing random acts of kindness." His eyes focus, and he turns to her. "Are you going to open it or not?"

Rosa nibbles on her lip. To postpone her dreaded words, she works on the wrapping paper. After a bit of ripping and crumpling, both are surprised to see a clear plastic bag holding red and green incense sticks and a censer.

Rosa stands. She looks down at Steven on the couch. Her words come unbidden; sadness dripping in each word. "It's time. Time to tell you."

He pops up and snatches the gift away. He walks past her like he didn't hear her speak.  "Time to tell me thaaaaat you're going to light this thing, right?" He takes it to the dining room table, and then searches for a lighter.

She follows behind him. "Steven? Didn't you hear me? I need to tell you something."

He checks her junk drawer and finds his target. "Ah, here it is." He returns to the censer and places one of each of the colors in a hole.

She places a hand on his shoulder. "Steven?"

He whirls to face her with fire in his eyes. "Look, I can read the signs. You are about to tell me something neither of us want." He gestures to the present. "If there's any chance for this thing to give you whatever you want, then I would like you to have it." He searches her face for a moment. "Now, light it and make a Christmas wish."

She is taken aback by his words. A tiny sprig of hope grows in her. She takes the fire starter from his waiting hands and lights the sticks.

Twin smokes of red and green rise, curl, and twist around each other like mating snakes. Rosa closes her eyes. She turns to her boyfriend and says, "If I had met you sooner, this would all be different. I wish I had more time to spend with you."

Suddenly the flames burn brighter. The colorful smoke expands making it hard to breathe. Rosa hears coughing in addition to her own. She heads down the picture lined hall looking for a place to breathe. Blind, she opens the nearest window and finds it higher than it was before. Fresh air rushes in. She returns the way she came.

Despite it being her house, somehow she gets lost. The gaseous obstruction begins to take on a more Christmas smell. In fact, it begins to smell like glazed ham. In the hall she sees a lower picture showing a little girl and boy holding hands. Rosa notices the music again.

"And right would always win
And love would never end.

A familiar voice teases, "Honey, did you burn dinner again?"

Rosa heads in the direction of the voice. "Dad?"

A female voice laughs. "No, Dear. Rosie's present made too much smoke."

"Mom?" She takes a step forward and bumps into someone. She looks at the lower body of a tall man.

Large strong hands lift her into the air. "Ah, there's my little pink flower."

She hugs him fiercely. "Daddy, don't ever die again. Okay?"

He chuckles and sets her down, "Of course, Rosie."

With the smoke almost gone, she returns to the living room. The young, brown haired boy from the picture with a colorful striped scarf wrapped many times stands there. "Steven?"

He nods. "I'm so glad I met you this year."

Her mind tries to understand what happened. "I'm young again."

Steven agrees. "I am too. Now we can play as much as we want!" He grabs her hand and pulls her toward the back door as a smile fills her face.

Her mother stops them. "Steven, are you staying for supper?"

He nods. "Yes, Ma'am."

"Okay. I'll call your mother, and let her know." She starts moving to a different room.

He calls to her retreating back. "May we play outside?"

"Certainly. Don't get dirty. The food will be ready in 30 minutes."

"Thank you! Let's go play, Rosie!" The little boy rushes out the back door.

He tugs her outside where she releases his hand. "I'll catch up, okay?"

"Okay!" He heads for the play structure.

She looks about the room with joy. The sticks in the censer are nearly burnt out. The tree and everything in the house seems bigger and brighter.

Her mother enters wiping her hands on her apron. "Rosie honey, did you get your Christmas wish?"

Rosie nods and wraps herself around her mother's leg. "It's perfect!"

Her mom pulls her off and shoos her toward her best friend. "Now go play with Steven. We have plenty of time before dinner."

Rosie smiles. "I love you, Mom!" She runs and clamors after him. "Stevie, let's play house!"

The last strains play as the singer finishes.

"And love would never end.
This is my grown-up Christmas list."