April 18, 2015

I am starting this journal because I am afraid something is happening to me and I thought I should write it down. My name is Scott Robert Wallace and I’m not really sure what is going on with me. I should probably go see a doctor, but I hate doctors and I haven’t been to one since I was in high school and I had to get a physical to play football.

Anyway, I’m not sure what’s going on but as I think back now, it must have started at least two weeks ago and I didn’t give it much thought at first but now I know that something is wrong. I haven’t had to shave in two weeks. I’ve had to shave every day since I was 16 but for the last two weeks, my face has been perfectly smooth; no sign of any stubble at all. If I stare really hard, I can see just a barely visible line of peach fuzz along my upper lip but nothing on my cheeks or chin.

I woke up the other morning feeling a bit sick; that would have been on the 14th. I’ve been dizzy and achy but nothing else really so far. I work from home so it’s no big deal to take it easy and stay in bed while I work. My legs and hips are just hurting today and along with my lack of facial hair, I thought I should write this stuff down in case something more happens.

April 21, 2015

Well, I’ve tried to ignore it, but I can’t any longer…there is definitely something wrong with my hair. I still don’t need to shave my face but all the rest of my hair is acting strange too. I got my usual haircut 3 weeks ago but it seems like my hair is growing really fast. It’s shaggy looking on top and growing out along the back and sides too, this is weird and not like my hair at all. Also, I noticed in the shower that the hair on my legs seems a lot lighter. It’s lighter in color and seems really thin. I’ve never had hair on my chest so that doesn’t matter. My legs are still aching and sore but nothing else yet.

April 23, 2015

Two days later and no real changes for the good or the bad; still achy and my hair is still acting up.

April 24, 2015

Something is definitely wrong with me. I don’t even know how to put this so I’ll just write and hope it makes sense when I’m done. My legs were feeling better so I decided to go out and run some overdue errands. Sitting around my house for the last 10 days in shorts and sweatpants and ordering in food had left me unaware of what my aching legs were doing. I went to get dressed and pulled out a pair of jeans and they didn’t fit right. I got the jeans up to my thighs and had to pull them up to get them on and then they seemed long. I looked down and they didn’t get past my heels so I’m standing on my jeans and they aren’t sitting on my waist right either. My pants were loose around the middle but tight on the sides so I freaked out and took them off and realized that I was hyperventilating in my bedroom.

It was then that I went to the mirror and stripped down naked. I don’t look at myself for long periods of time. I had always taken for granted what my body looked like and I knew I didn’t need to check it every day. But now I think I need to do that. I stared at my body for a long time and something is just off about it. My legs look different; it’s as simple as that. My calves are rounder and skinnier than I remember them. My thighs look fatter and feel soft to me, I don’t know why of what’s going on with me.

April 25, 2015

So it was bothering me that my pants didn’t fit so I decided to measure myself. I’m 5’10 according to at least 6 attempts to measure my height. I’ve been 6’1” since my junior year of high school, so I can’t understand how I can’t seem to measure myself anymore.

April 25, 2015

It’s later and now my back hurts so I’m going to try and sleep and just relax and just forget. Goodnight.

April 28, 2015

I don’t think I’ve ever been as sick as I was the last three days. The only time I was awake was when I was rushing to the bathroom. I lost count of how many times that was but I was so tired and weak that I didn’t even care. I haven’t looked at myself and I don’t want to right now, just want to sleep some more.

April 29, 2015

I am really scared. I feel better physically but I’m so scared at what has happened to me.

I woke up drenched in sweat and I got up and walked to the bathroom and I almost didn’t recognize the reflection in the mirror. I looked so small and different that I jumped. I looked at my face and it didn’t look the same. My eyes looked bigger; my cheeks looked like they were sticking out and my lips looked swollen. I knew that I had to have lost weight but when I stepped on the scale I was 20 pounds lighter than the last time I weighed myself a few months ago.

I tried to compose myself but I started to cry. I don’t know why but I am scared of what’s happening to me. I know I should see a doctor but now I’m too afraid of what I would even say to begin with and I’m afraid of what they might tell me.

So I went and tried to measure myself again and now I know I’m just either a screw up or something is colossally wrong with me. I’m measuring myself at 5’7”.

Am I shrinking? Am I wasting away? Am I dying?

April 30, 2015

I cried myself to sleep last night but I did get some sleep and when I woke up this morning, I felt better. Nothing was hurting on me today. I have repeatedly measured myself and I am without a doubt, smaller than I was. I am 6 inches shorter and about 25 pounds lighter. I took a good long look at myself and I am trying to rationalize what is happening to me. I’ve been on WebMD all day and it seems like my changing hair pattern is from an imbalance of hormones. I’m guessing that I’m getting a sudden influx of estrogen. That also might be behind the fact that it looks like my hips are wider and my waist is smaller. That might just be from my weight loss though. If that’s the case, they recommend taking testosterone and it should correct it. I’m still going to wait a bit before I go to a doctor though and see if this really calms down.

May 3, 2015

I have been looking and watching myself like a hawk for the last few days and I cannot detect any further changes now. I’m still not very hungry though and I might be coming down with a cold. My voice sounds funny.

May 4, 2015  

I should have known better than to jinx myself by writing yesterday’s journal. I woke up this morning and my chest is very sore and tender. It hurts to even have a shirt on as every movement seems to irritate my chest. I feel fine otherwise but my voice still sounds funny…I hope this isn’t an estrogen issue as I read that other side effects could result in development of breasts.

May 5, 2015

Oh my God I have boobs. I woke up this morning and my chest is still tender and now my nipples are all flared up and swollen and it looks like I have small breasts. I’m going to have to see a doctor. I’m still checking my height and weight daily and they haven’t changed. I’m not sure if it’s good or bad though. On one hand, at least I haven’t gotten any shorter but on the other hand; why did I shrink so much. Why did that happen? That can’t be normal.

May 6, 2015

I hate doctors. I tried to make an appointment but since I would be a new patient with no background, the earliest I can get in with a doctor is in three weeks. I tried like 5 different offices and that’s the quickest they can see me.

I’m really scared now that I have a serious hormone problem. I’ll just put it out there since this is my own journal and my own thoughts. I look like a girl now.

Being shorter and smaller and with my hair growing out is one thing. But my body even looks different. My legs are soft and round. My hips are sticking out and my waist and stomach look like they’ve come in somehow. And now it looks like I have B cup boobs.
Seriously; I am growing a pair of boobs. My nipples are bigger and they get bigger every day on me.

I can stare at my reflection in the mirror and even it looks different now. I still see me and this is hard to describe but I’ll try. My eyes seem bigger on my face and so do my lips. Without any facial hair now for over a month my chin and jaw seem weaker. My cheek bones seem to stick out more and so it makes my whole face look just a little different now. My hair has grown down over my forehead now but when I lift it up my eyebrows seem thinner.

Maybe I’m turning into a woman. That seems to be the only explanation for how I look now and what I’ve been going through for the last month.

May 7, 2015

More of the same really… my boobs seem a bit bigger again today but everything else seems the same as yesterday. I spent all day reading stuff on the internet about turning into a woman. Wow there are a lot of stories out there but they are all fiction. This is really happening to me and I can’t find a single actual case out there of this. I’m still scared. What am I going to do if I turn into a full-fledged woman?

I can’t really turn into a woman can I?

May 8, 2015

This is really getting scary and weird and now I am convinced that I am turning into a woman and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I’ll be blunt and say that I haven’t had an erection in two days now and I’ve tried. I noticed that when I’ve woken up I didn’t have my usual morning wood. I broke out some of my favorite websites and tried but nothing happened. I still felt turned on but it wouldn’t go up and now I’m freaked out. Should I go to the hospital? But if I go and I’m some freak of nature I’ll never see the light of day again. But if I’m growing breasts, what will I do if I start losing my dick?

May 9, 2015

It’s smaller and I can’t stop this. I’m just mad today and I don’t know what to do. My body is changing and turning me into something different and someone that I’m not. I can’t stop it. No matter what I do short of turning myself over to some freak show laboratory will stop this and even then I don’t know if they could even stop it; they might just watch me then kill me. Why is this happening to me?

May 10, 2015

I have to face facts that in another day or so, my penis and testicles will probably be gone. I may not look closely at my body for long periods of time, but I know how big those are and I cannot deny that they are much smaller today. My testicles are pulled up next to my body and my penis is shorter and narrower. I am becoming a woman and I don’t know why.

May 11, 2015

My testicles are gone and my stomach is killing me. I have a deep throbbing pain in my lower abdomen and I feel like it’s just a giant stomach cramp all day.

I woke up this morning and immediately pulled my boxers off. I screamed and I’m not ashamed that I did. My hands shot down and all I had was some loose skin beneath an even smaller penis than yesterday.

May 12, 2015

Gone.

May 15, 2015

I’m back to writing. I just couldn’t bring myself to write anything the last few days. I’ve done nothing but cry and worry and sleep and try to hide myself and not face the facts. But I have to; if someone were to see me they would think I’m a girl. If I went to a doctor, they would examine me like a girl. I have a vagina, a vulva, a clitoris and I’m guessing I have a uterus and ovaries now. I’m fully functioning and I have to pee sitting down but everything seems to work. My female genitalia work well. I have a matching set now with the fact that my breasts seem to have stopped growing at a good healthy size. I have quite a pair of full and perky boobs on me now. My whole body just looks feminine now. My legs and hips and waist now make much more sense seeing them without a penis and with a full rack. I realize now that I have women’s legs too.

My arms have gotten thinner too and my hands seem to be smaller. I shouldn’t think of it as weird after everything else I’ve been through, but I do.

I also measured my foot today and I came up with 8 inches. I wore a men’s size 11 shoe and I tried one of them on today and my foot just swam in it. I can get by since my wardrobe was mostly just baggy crap but eventually I’m going to have to figure this out and leave my house as a woman.

May 18, 2015

I’m so confused that I can’t even think straight anymore. Every time I try to think about what has happened to me I become overwhelmed and just shut down. I spent 3 hours yesterday just staring at my right foot. It looks different than I’ve always known it to look. I know it’s smaller but it’s also thinner and smoother. It’s no longer knobby around my toes. Even my nails look different; they’re rounder and smoother. My hands look different now too. My fingers are thin and my nails are growing like crazy. How can everything on my body just change shape?

May 19, 2015

The marvels of the internet have made it possible for me to survive this last 6 weeks. Being able to punch in a credit card number and have groceries delivered to my house and pay everything online has kept me going. I keep doing my work and I keep getting paid, but I have to face facts that I will soon need the underbelly of the internet very soon. I need a new ID. I don’t look like a Scott anymore.

May 20, 2015

My body continues to change. The changes aren’t as dramatic but they are still occurring. My butt is getting bigger. My body continues to reshape itself into a more and more feminine shape. My ass is catching up to my hips. I also know that the funny sound my voice was making awhile back is now my permanent voice. It’s not overly high or girly, but it is higher and my Adam’s apple is gone. Slowly but surely, the front of my throat has gotten flat and smooth. I still have no facial hair and I doubt I ever will again. The hair on my head continues to grow longer every day and I’m okay with letting it grow out now, I mean why not.

My legs feel itchy to me and I can’t quite bring myself to just shave my legs yet.

May 21, 2015

I gave in to some kind of female sense of hygiene and I shaved my legs and armpits. I hate to admit it, but it feels good. If I start to want to polish my nails though, I will know that something is really going on in my head.

On a different note, I have found a guy who can help me out for a few thousand dollars, he will get all kinds of new papers for me but I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch on this one.

May 22, 2015

I cancelled the doctor’s appointment that I had made; there’s no way I could go through with that now.

I noticed another subtle change to my face today. My nose seems slimmer. It looks just different enough to notice. My face seems rounder and my chin and jaw seem slight, less than what they used to be. I taped a picture of my old self to the mirror to compare. It looks like a brother and sister kind of deal. My face is a girl’s face now. I look like the girl version of me now. I am the girl version of me now.

May 23, 2015

So I sent off a picture of my new face and a few other things to sketchy dude…I hope he comes through for me.

I found a chart on the internet, that amazing tool again, to measure my body and try to figure out my sizes in this body. If I measured correctly, I should have a 38D chest. I’m going to have to get some clothes that fit me, the new me that is. I think I have a plan. There is one place in this world where a freak like me would not be noticed buying clothes that they have no idea if they will fit. I’m going to sneak out to Walmart late at night.

May 25, 2015

I haven’t made it out to Walmart yet, I haven’t done anything but sleep the last two days. I can’t believe how tired I’ve been. But I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in quite a while. I think my body may have finally caught up to itself and stopped changing but I’ve had so many weird dreams the last two days as I’ve been sleeping. My mind feels like absolute mush today. I can’t keep a straight thought in my head.

Everything is just bouncing around like I don’t know what to do and I couldn’t make a decision today if my life depended on it.

Happy Memorial Day

May 28, 2015

A plain brown box arrived at my house today…my new life was inside it.

I am now Rebecca Susan Wallace. I have a driver’s license with my picture on it that shows my height and weight as 5’7” and 140lbs; hair blonde; eyes blue. All of these things are true and even if my hair looks like shit in the picture, you can tell it’s me.
So sketchy guy also changed my name on my social security number and all my bank and credit card accounts; I have a birth certificate and diplomas in my new name too. I still have my job and since they haven’t seen me in person, I sent a very nice and long email to my employer explaining how I wish to be identified. And since this is a state where gender identification lawsuits have been won, they were very nice about switching things around in my personnel file. I don’t care what they think about me, I just want to keep getting a paycheck.

May 29, 2015

Well last night I did it; I left my house and went out as Rebecca and I’m happy I did. First of all, let me say that I needed a bra. Wow, I had gotten used to them just swinging free but I’m glad I have some support now.

I went to Walmart last night at about 10:30 and it was pretty empty. I tried to look casual and picked up 3 different sizes of basic jeans to try on and decided that I was a women’s size 6. From there I picked up a couple of packs of underwear and I took a few different sizes of bras into the dressing room. I was so proud of myself that I had measured correctly. The 38D fit the best.

From there I went back to the shoe department and found out that I was a woman’s 8. I picked out a pair of basic sneakers, some cheap flip flops and a pair of black flats. On my way out I stopped and tried on a few women’s cut tops. Because of my boobs, I needed a size large so I got a few of those too, plain though, nothing fancy. I went through the self-checkout aisle and I swear that no one looked at me twice. I had pulled it off.
So I have to admit that it feels good to be in some clothes that actually fit my body. I’m actually looking at myself and I don’t have a sense of hatred running through me anymore. I can’t believe I’m typing this sentence out, I like how I look and I like how I feel now.

May 30, 2015

On second thought, maybe I don’t like how I feel. I just found out what it’s really like as a woman. I woke up this morning with a bad stomach cramp, but as I made my way to the bathroom, I realized that it wasn’t something I ate. It’s what I am now; I got my period. I just feel all blah. I had to improvise and stick a wad of toilet paper against my panties to make it to CVS on the corner and buy tampons. Now there is something I never thought I would have to do for myself. I made it through and now I’m typing out my journal since I’m done with work for the day.

May 31, 2015

Who knew that cramps felt like this? I know…every woman out there, but this is new for me. I’m glad I still have all my old clothes because I pair of huge sweat pants and a too big t-shirt are all that I could possibly wear today. This blows…

June 1, 2015

Still bleeding but my cramps aren’t as bad. I found myself on the internet going through shoes last night for like an hour, I wonder…

June 2, 2015

I went to Target today to get some essentials and I found myself picking out nail polish and I bought lady Schick razors for my legs and threw away my old razors. I also bought lotion and some nicer shampoo and conditioner than I have ever bought before. My hair continues to get longer…it looks like I’m growing out a pixie cut right now so I bought some hair ties and barrettes to hold my hair back since I have enough in the back to gather up into a small ponytail.

June 3, 2015

I now hold in my hand another thing that I never thought I would have in my possession. It is my Victoria’s Secret Angels card. I went to the mall today and man is it different. Even though I was nervous at first, I headed out and spent some money on myself. I never spent money on clothes before, but somehow, I thought I needed a better look as Rebecca.
So I went into Victoria’s Secret where I was greeted with a smile by a girl who was slightly taller than me. She offered to give me a professional fitting and I took her up on it. I really am a 38D. I bought some nice things to go along with my earlier purchase of the Walmart bare essentials.

I also realized that I needed a purse. I can’t carry everything in my pockets like a guy anymore so I went to Macy’s and bought a purse. Then I went to their shoe department…

That was not something I ever suspected that I would like doing, but I ended up buying three pairs of heels. A basic black pump, a nude stiletto and a pair of open toed sling back pumps.

I also tried on a dress for the first time. I didn’t like how any of them fit, but I did end up buying a basic black skirt and white blouse along with a few more pairs of jeans and some more tops.

I came home and found that I was able to walk in heels after a few minutes of practice.
So it should be weird seeing myself in panties and a bra and a pair of heels, but it’s really not.

June 5, 2015

I went to see a hair stylist today. She shaped up my hair into something more presentable. I told her I had a disaster awhile back and was trying to grow it out. She said it didn’t look too bad but still it looks much better now. The back is brushing my collar on my shirt and she actually cut the front to make a very cute set of bangs.

June 11, 2015

I don’t know if I’m going to keep writing in this journal anymore but I did think this was important. I went to the doctor today and I was declared a perfectly fit 26 year old woman. I had a full exam and physical and since it was a female doctor, I didn’t feel too weird about being poked and prodded. But she said that everything looked fine and that I needed to see a doctor more often since no one could find my old records.

June 21, 2015

I’m sitting here in front of this screen and I’m not sure what to say. I’ve been staring at it for a few minutes, like this needs to be written out but I don’t know how to write it.

I don’t know why I turned into a woman and I don’t know how I turned into one either. As I sit here I could tell you that there has never been a recorded incident of it in all of human history, but I didn’t record mine and maybe someone else didn’t either before me.

All I know is that it happened. I was born a male, grew up as a boy then became a man. Then, one day, I became female and now I’m a woman.

I am being perfectly honest when I say I’m glad it happened. I’m happy it happened and I hope I never change back.

Changing back is a thought in the back of my mind…something that likes to peak its head out and scare me when I start to feel comfortable and I push it back and down and hope it doesn’t happen.

For whatever reason, I’m more comfortable with myself after a few weeks in this body as Rebecca than I ever was as Scott. I didn’t know I was miserable until I saw something else, something different, and something that was better for me.

Even though I’m smaller physically, I feel stronger and I don’t know why that is. I know I’m stronger mentally. Everything about being a woman feels right to me. I have a confidence that I never had before.

So in case I don’t decide to add to this again, good-bye Scott.

Rebecca Susan Wallace