I slightly lost faith in both of these captions half way through so it's a bit of a double feature today 🙂

The female cohort presented a marked contrast to the male participants. Initially, and at low dosages, the women exhibited the same progression observed in their male counterparts: rapid depletion of unhealthy visceral fat, improved cardiovascular function, and significant increases in bone density. In many cases, Fauzempic appeared to reverse decades of post-menopausal osteoporosis within weeks, suggesting considerable promise as a prophylactic treatment for age-related degenerative disease in women.

Complications emerged once muscle tone began to improve. Rising testosterone levels initiated a self-reinforcing feedback loop in which new muscle tissue appeared to stimulate further androgen release via an unidentified metabolic pathway. This cascade led to progressive muscular hypertrophy, thickening of the skull and long bones, and deepening of the vocal cords.

The behavioural changes were equally striking. Libido increased sharply, accompanied by a paradoxical flattening of emotional affect. Perhaps “testosterone poisoning” describes it best. These hormonally aberrant females were notably cooperative with the continuation of the study, overly so. Several nurses observed that they were amenable to a fault, almost dronelike in their responsiveness to the requests of female (or female-presenting) staff. They were compliant with others’ needs and complacent toward their own.

It is the professional opinion of the research team that the female cohort should be weaned off Fauzempic immediately. Internal correspondence between the Department of Health and the Treasury indicates preliminary intent to position FMZ-01 as a “productivity booster” for the ageing workforce. Several researchers have expressed concern that policy motives are advancing faster than bioethical review.

Are the participants healthy? Technically, yes. Medically, yes. Are they “economically viable adults”? There is an 80-year-old female participant exhibiting strength and stamina that would make a gorilla blush. Fauzempic has the potential to extend a woman’s working life by twenty years, albeit in menial labour.

Are they happy? Debatable. They are neither happy nor miserable. They exist merely to obey.

Regardless, the thought of turning the female population into hypermasculinised, hormonally lobotomised worker drones the moment they reach an age of post-reproductive economic-unproductivity is one that, certainly, the government will find inconceivable.

Trial Status: Phase I–II complete. Pending ethical review for Phase III continuation..