It disappoints me to have to raise this with you again. You are all responsible adults. And yet, once again, the college has witnessed an unacceptably high rate of teenage pregnancies. If you won't listen to advice, it is my duty as your Dean to take matters into my own hands. I will shortly be submitting myself for the final facial reconstructive surgery and enrolling myself as a woman under a false name. This will be the last time you will see me this semester. At least, as far as you know.

You will not know who I am. But I want you to remember me when you're picking up that nameless drunk girl from the student bar. I want you to think of me when you're making sweet, reckless love. And when you decide to ignore every bit of advice and blow your unprotected load in her body, I want you to know that I am watching you. And that I am very, very disappointed in you.

I hope that this initiative is sufficient. I would hate to have to involve your Professors or parents in this.