This week, I have been mostly playing Still Wakes The Deep.

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Attention all workers. It's come to my attention that some of you wee pricks just set foot on my rig with your own bloody feet, waving your lower halves around like you're Billy Big Bollocks.

What makes you think you can ignore basic Health and Safety Guidelines? I don't give a damn what your union rep says - those negotiations have yet to be finalised, so until they are, you'll wear the legs that the company grew for you. Those organs are essential PPE. Is that understood? They're designed to keep your human half alive and kicking if any of you are stupid or drunk enough to fall in the North Sea, so you can all march yourself back onto that helicopter and fly to Ninewells for amputation, because you're not working a minute as you are.

And that includes you, McLeary. I expect to have your human arse on my desk by Friday, wrapped up like a smoked kipper, or you can consider yourself fired.

Things have been a damn sight calmer around here ever since you gobshites had to leave your cocks at home, and I plan to keep it that way. Consider yourself lucky I let you keep everything from the waist up, because I'm sorely tempted to take more.