For he himself has said it,
And it's greatly to his credit,
That he is an Englishman.
He Remains An Engli-i-i-i-iiishman
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Had to read The Sun to make this. I feel soiled.
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   Brit retirees must become Spanish or face deportation, insane Madrid politicians demand. Downing Street waded into the ongoing row this week as talks over British enclaves in Spanish coastal towns worsen.
In a disgusting turn of events, Spanish police thugs have begun their long threatened conversion of our beautiful British expats. Barry Whitbread, 54, a retired plumber from Barnsley now living in Malaga with his wife and son, spoke of his terrifying ordeal.
"They dragged me to the police station and offered me a choice. It was the hardest decision of my life. Do I accept their terms, accept the skin they offered me? Or do I give up everything, rip my son out of college, destroy the lives we've built here? For my family, I chose the synthskin. If I had to decide again, would I do it? No. But there's no going back."
After signing documentation, Barry was driven to the nearby hospital where his skin was removed before he was forced into a permanent, synthetic skinsuit grown from the cells of a local teen. Barry spoke to us about the feeling of having his beergut liposuctioned and pumped back into his body to swell out his massive new breasts and ass as he was outwardly converted into a young Spanish woman. His pelvis was broken in half and widened into childbearing hips and hundreds of slow-release hormone pellets implanted throughout his body.
Barry has since been given the name Gabriela Fernández along with an EU passport. But Barry insists the changes are only skin deep. Under it all he remains patriotically British.
"I still love fish and chips and three lagers before breakfast. I still support Barnsley F.C. They can take our cocks but they'll never take our freedom."
As part of the agreement, Gabriela must attend Spanish language classes and has been forced to move out of his wife's villa to live as a single Spanish woman. Her pension has defaulted to her son, leaving Gabriela's severely out of pocket. She is now forced to work at an Irish bar as a waitress, serving drinks to British tourists.
The mayor of Malaga spoke out on the scheme. "It is easy for others to criticise but they don't have to live with these 'people'. All they do is complain about the weather and flood our hospitals with melanomas. So we lose a few disgusting bloated Englishmen? So what?"
Regarding her future, Gabriela is unsure. Her son is safe for now, thanks to Gabriela's sacrifice, though he will ultimately need to marry a Spanish woman to keep his cock long-term. "Perhaps I'll move back to England if I can," said Gabriela. "If only I hadn't voted for Brexit."
Turn to Page 3 to see Gabriela's Spicy Photoshoot