As you age, are you finding others drifting away? Are your family a bunch of ingrates? Then come on down to Heavenly Bodies Senior Living Center, and feel wanted again.

With our mix of nutrient smoothies and in-house cosmetic surgeons, we'll soon have those spoiled brats unable to look away.

Children left you to rot? Play your granddaughter's heartstrings like a fiddle with the face and physique of her teenage heartthrob. Your grandson will be enraptured hearing your old war stories told in the voice of their favourite Fortnite character.

And as you slip off into senility, rest assured that your selected appearance will be touched-up and maintained in perpetuity, to be doted on hand-and-foot by your adoring family.

Sign up today and receive a new pair of hip implants!