Continuation of the FUNbags idea:
I’m Jacob Trevor - adrenaline junkie, extreme sports athlete, and youtuber. I was filming my latest stunt - jumping out of a plane without a parachute.
My team had ripped one of those FUNbag systems out of a car and rigged it into an emptied parachute backpack. They’re designed to protect people from high speed collisions so there’s no reason it shouldn't work with vertical impacts. But I’m the first to ever try this, so there’s no guarantee it will.
I hire a plane out of Edinburgh, fly to 10,000 feet and throw myself out over the Trossachs, selfie-stick in-hand, angling myself towards the misty glens below for more speed. I position the GoPro towards the vanishing plane before swinging it around to get a good view at the fast approaching ground as I casually flog RayCon earbuds to my viewers. At the last moment, I yank the pull-string to deploy the FUNbag.
There’s nothing more exhilarating than slamming into the ground at terminal velocity with your face. Coating in the silicone-impact skin, I feel only a minor bump as I crash through a tree, bounce like a rubber ball off a rock and land, shaken but unharmed, on the shores of a loch. The GoPro bounces off my silicone head.
I lie in the indentation in the dirt, staring at the sky. The drone of the plane vanishes over the horizon. A rudimentary HUD flashes in my vision.
{IMPACT DETECTED. PROTECTIVE IMMOBILITY ENABLED - 4 MINUTES REMAINING}
A startled highland cow plods over. It examines me with its wet snout. Finding me inedible, it moves on, pressing me deeper into the soft mud with a hoof.
{BLUNT TRAUMA DETECTED. PROTECTIVE IMMOBILITY EXTENDED - 6 MINUTES 24 SECONDS REMAINING}
Precisely as designed, the suit hardened on impact with the ground, and all I can do is wait it out. While it performs internal diagnostics, so do I. Beneath the skin, I’m shaking like a leaf with adrenaline but totally unharmed. This will revolutionize everything. Skydiving, rock climbing, parkour - instead of cumbersome safety gear and harnesses, the only thing needed will be one deployable skinsuit!
{PROTECTIVE IMMOBILITY ENABLED - 4 SECONDS REMAINING… 3… 2… 1… MOBILITY RESTORED}
The resistance of the skin around my joints relaxes. I sit up.
“What a rush,” I exclaim to the camera, though all that comes from my silicone-clogged throat is a breathy gasp. That’s when I catch sight of the doll face staring back in the front-mounted screen of the GoPro and realise the prank my team has pulled. “Oh, real funny guys. No wonder this thing is so tight in the crotch.” The device they’d provided was clearly calibrated for a woman. I look like a goddamn blow-up doll!
Ugh. Clutching my tits tight to stop them bouncing, I begin the hike for the nearest road where the support team will collect. It’s slow going - the constricting suit hampering me as I wade through frigid scottish bogs, through the plump ass waggling behind at least provides buoyancy.
At last I see the road and a car approaching through the gloaming! I stagger out onto the tarmac, raising a hand to signal the car to stop.
It doesn't stop. I bounce over the bonnet, cartwheeling over the top and landing hard. There's a screech of tyres. A slam of a car door. Footsteps approach. I can't move.
{IMPACT DETECTED. PROTECTIVE IMMOBILITY ENABLED - 4 MINUTES REMAINING}