In the week since my girlfriend’s ‘pet vacation’ began, Baxter has been learning many things - clothing, how to walk on two legs, how to speak, but the hosepipe remains his favourite thing. Hmm, I’ll teach him to lick on a different type of hose tonight.

But what to do with Lucy? Can't have her whining at the bedroom door all night. Perhaps my sister can kennel her for a while. She’s been begging me to let her breed Baxter with her labrador bitch. Looks like she’ll get her chance.