(Mass TF, Various M and F to Farm Animals)

Candace followed her dog at a light jog, enjoying the fresh air on her skin. There were some things you just couldn’t get in an office job: fresh air, sunlight, a reasonable work-life balance… Really, it was a wonder she hadn’t retired sooner.

The reason for Andy’s insistent barking soon grew apparent: one of the fences between the livestock pens had been knocked down, and now all hell was breaking loose. Pigs were running from her billy goat, one of the llamas kept spitting at the chickens, and was that her donkey trying to mount her sheep? Old habits really must die hard.

There were some days that Candace might have decided to wrangle them all with Andy’s help, ushering each animal back to its special place. But she had things to do today, so with a simple thought she froze the crowd, looking to them with a patronizing smirk.

“Really, now. You might all be wondering why I called this meeting to order, but…”

xXx

“…I’m happy to announce that I have no benefits to declare,” Candace said, a hand on her chest. Really, she was lucky to be so brilliant. After all, how many people out there were able to work around their company’s new ‘limited’ insurance policy?

“Oh, really? Good for you,” Mitchell said, more to himself than to her. He took another bite out of his bagel. “Did you get to your own insurance package?”

“My… What?” Candace blinked. “I thought that Sarah had already taken care of that.”

Mitchell let out a half-snort of a laugh. “That’s funny.” After a moment’s pause, he looked up to her for a half-second. “Wait, really? You know you need to log onto the portal and pick a plan, right? They start at forty bucks a week.”

“A week!? But… That means I’m taking a dollar an hour pay cut!”

“We don’t like people talking like that. Besides, we gave you all that two percent bonus this year. It’s not like you’re really losing money or anything, right?” Mitchell returned to his morning breakfast.

It took Candace a full thirty seconds to make up her mind. It was exactly long enough to get Mitchell too look up to her. He arched an eyebrow that was much bushier than it had been a second ago, the hairs thickening just like the wispy strands that normally adorned his chin.

“You aa-aahlright?” A faint bleat entered his voice as he took another bite, this time eating some of the wrapping paper that had come with his sandwich. His teeth thickened as he bit down, unable to cleanly cut through the sheet but perfect to hold onto it and tear a strip off.

“Oh, perfectly. I think it’s even time I tell you I won’t be working here anymore.” Candace enjoyed the look of confusion in his eyes, even as the irises widened into horizontal ovals. “But don’t worry, we’ll still work together in the future?”

“No notice? You know what this means.” Mitchell stuffed the rest of the paper into his mouth, chewing it over with a scowl. He leaned forward, ready to mansplain something to her, then thumped fully onto his desk. His eyes widened in surprise for a moment, glazing over a second later as Candace stuffed some project he was working on into his mouth. “Meeh-eeh-ehh…”

“Sorry, but I really don’t have time to waste on an old goat like you. Not yet, at any rate. I’ve got a lot of work to do, after all.” She turned smartly on her heel, waving as she caught sight of Erin. The girl was a recent hire to the company and had always been nice to Candace, making sure to stick her neck out for the woman as often as possible.

“Hey, did I hear bleating from Mitchawawwlp!” Erin’s hands flew to her throat as it jerked up from the hole in her turtleneck. Her necklace jingled loudly enough to catch the attention of some passerby, though it was muffled soon enough by the growth of a dense collar of fur.

“Hey, is that Erin?”

“The hell?”

“Is this a prank?”

Erin could hear it all thanks to her stretching ears. She crinkled her nose, though the expression soon lost most of its humanity as it stretched wide on her face. “Ma-AHHWWLP!” She tried to say… Well, Candace wasn’t really sure, because the woman’s mouth soon fountained drool. She’d need to get used to spitting soon enough, it wouldn’t do to have a llama that looked more like a leaky fountain than a person.

“Oh hey I think I’ve seen this in a movie bef-AWK!”

“Mary? WhUCKAW you dOCK-OCK-BUCKAW!”

Honestly, Candace didn’t know most of her coworkers that well. She settled on turning the general cubicle populace into a horde of fluttering chickens. From that blonde that always tried to wear an entire department store of perfume to the weird nerdy guy, none were spared.

Some of the lucky ones got to have their chicken feet burst through their footwear, talons making short work of even leather. The unlucky ones shrank first, and found themselves flapping their developing wings in a panicked attempt to lift free of anchor-like socks and shoes.

Really, compared to a life hammering away at spreadsheets—or whatever they did, honestly Candace wasn’t quite sure—egg-laying would be much more entertaining, probably. Oh, but they would need a rooster. With that absent thought, she warped the shy office girl into a large, dark-feathered male for her new coop. She always thought the girl needed more confidence.

“Hey! What the hell is all the racket!?” Kurt slammed his office door open, revealing Sarah in a state of undress behind him.

Really, even though everyone in the office knew he was hooking up with their ‘Chief Human Resources Officer’, he could have been a bit more subtle about it.

“Oh, hi there,” Candace waved cheerily at him. “Sorry, I haven’t quite made up my mind what to do with you. I mean, I already know what to make your office pet,” she circled her finger and Sarah found herself naked for the second time in as many minutes. There simply wasn’t a way that her clothes could withstand the growth of so much thick wool at once.

“What the hell!?” Kurt stumbled away from his side-piece, recoiling in disgust as she let out a pitiful bleat.

“I mean, she’s always gone along with whatever you asked. Isn’t that why we signed onto this dumbass company policy?” Candace clapped her hands. “Oh, that’s it! Perfect!”

“Whutturr… Yooooo…” Kurt stumbled, his speech growing slurred as his brainpower drained like sand from an hourglass. Well, maybe a minuteglass would be a more accurate description of it from how quick work Candace was making of him.

“Dumb…”

Kurt’s ears shot above his head. As he lifted his hands towards them, he found his arms soon weighed down with heavy, oafish hooves. They dragged him onto all fours like a common beast, and he absently kicked out with his hind legs in a mindless panic.

“…Ass.” Candace clapped her hands with an innocent smile.

“HEEEAUWWW! HEEE!”

“Ca-aah-ndehh-ehh-ehhce! Plee-ee-eese!” Sarah stumbled, unable to keep herself from petting her hands through her wool. Of course she couldn’t, Candace gave her an addiction to having her wool stroked. The fact that it also dropped her intelligence all the while was just an added bonus.

“Oh, it’s fine. You always listened to him like a good little sheep, so you’ll enjoy living your new life all the same,” Candace brushed away her concerns, turning back towards the rest of the office and cataloguing them in her head.

She never really did like that group of catty girls that were supposed to be on call… They’d look much better snuffling on the ground as shameless pigs.

Candace beamed as tops that really weren’t suited for the office dug into newly thickened porcine bodies. They flailed and fell atop each other in a selfish attempt to flee, even though all of them were much too fat to pass through the door to their department.

Miserable snuffling oinks were the best that they could manage, which was honestly a good deal more intelligent than their usual clickbait-ridden gossip. Maybe they were better off this way.

Quality assurance was halfway nice on the other hand, so maybe they could be llamas too. There were only two of them anyways, and it would be great to give Erin some company. Who knows, one of them might even be the boyfriend she was always looking for…

Though Erin had never really liked guys with curly hair. Ah, well. Maybe that would change if most of the hair was on a soft, pettable neck. Candace stroked… Ken? Paul? She wasn’t sure who was who, though it wasn’t like it mattered that much.

Maybe she should be concerned about how little she remembered her coworkers’ names… Well, animals names were much easier to understand anyways. Like she could call the chickens Clucky, Cluckers, Cluckaggito-

“Hey, is this some kind of prank?”

Candace looked up to find her building’s contract guard looking around in confusion. “Oh, perfect! I’ve got a guard dog, but I don’t want him to get hurt against bobcats or bears or wild dogs.”

The guard—Alexis? Candace was going to assume her name was Alexis—pawed at her face as her nose and lips began to merge together, pulling away from her shrinking head. They were hardening to a rough beak, one that soon let out an echoing squawk.

Then her head shot away from the rest of her uniform, propelled by a long and gangly neck. Her legs grew too, though her body shrank between them, squashing out into a thick-feathered ruff. Alexis clearly had no idea how to handle what was happening to her, though it wasn’t like she had any say in the matter.

“Ostriches make for wonderful guard animals, you know. It’s less of a career change, and more of just… Well, a lateral shift. Though I can promise you this will be more fun!” Candace beamed, making sure to subtly work a few new thoughts into her latest acquisition’s brain.

It wasn’t too much, aside for the usual animal intellect, just that Alexis would think of the other animals as family, and defend them all the better. And a bit of hen mentality to boost that egg production, Candace had always wanted to try an ostrich omelette.

The tall avian floundered and flapped, though the motions soon grew still as her new personality asserted itself. Then, in a split second, it vanished along with every other animal in the building.

Candace beamed proudly. Transporting them the old-fashioned way might have been fun, but it really wasn’t worth the hassle. Besides, she wanted to get her new farm ready as soon as possible. “And with that…”

xXx

“… everyone, get to your pens and be sure to look your best!”

None of the animals were capable off understanding her, but she made sure they got the point. All it took was a brief wave of her hand to put that into their brains… Which was perfect, because in just a few hours Candace’s new hunky neighbor would be over to make sure she was okay.

In some ways, it was less of a retirement and more of the beginning of a new life… Though Candace quietly hoped this one would last a little longer than the last one. And if it didn’t… Well, she wasn’t quite sure what new job she’d pick up next.