Hey everyone! Welcome to Shirley’s Shift Tips! I’m here for another listicle, and this one’s a real blast. Today, I’m going to rate the 5 Cuddliest Dogs to Turn People Into! The goal here is to be as objective as possible, because I think it’s important you all know what you’re getting into. Remember, our goal is to be better than humans, so let’s keep dogs out of shelters and make sure that we keep them on forever.
No real animals were harmed in the writing of this article, just humans. And don’t worry, if I couldn’t find our former-person a home, I’ve made them into a plushie that you can see behind me on stream! First one to find them all on my next stream gets a prize! … I’ll work out what that prize is later.
For now, there’s puppies to talk about!
Newfoundland
I’m sure that these are the dogs for some people, but me? I’m really not feeling it. Now, some of that might be because the one I tested used to be a cop, but… Hey! I can feel your judgment. Listen, Shifters are allowed to speed because we can’t get hurt by traffic collisions. That’s just how it is.
Anyways, these dogs are really pretty. I mean, they’ve got a lot of fur, so if for some reason you haven’t Shifted away your allergies, you might want to watch out for that. But, and there’s a bit of a bit here… they’re just a bit too cute and noble.
I mean, where’s the fun in taking a person down a few pegs if you end up improving them, right?
So, picture this. Me, incredulous because some State Trooper doesn’t read my blog and didn’t know that the pink-painted license plate means ‘tailgate me and you get a tail.’ Her, a tired-looking (but fit, to her credit!) bimbo in a uniform. Suddenly, that uniform starts to bulge. She itches at herself (why do they always do that?) and looks at me.
I think that’s when she realized. Too bad for her, I thought ahead and already stripped her of her voice. You see, if they can’t read you your Miranda Rights, they legally can’t arrest you. Try it, it’s always worked for me.
Anyways, she sputters out a big, wet bark, and her eyes go round. Fur poofs from everywhere. Under her sleeves, through her collar, even between the buttons of that ridiculous uniform. For a moment, it’s almost like I’ve made her into some kind of teddy bear. She’s adorable. But then I realize… She’s too cute.
Like, there’s that level of magic that comes from seeing someone panic about what they’re becoming. And sure, there’s an element of that there. She turns around and ends up chasing her tail. She tries to pull out something from her belt, only to discover her big paws can’t grip it. But she’s just too darn… Normal! It’s no fun.
I mean, don’t get me wrong here. If you’re looking to own one yourself, they’re probably great as pets. Super cuddly, friendly, maybe even loyal (assuming you scrub that dumb human brain away)… But this one just wasn’t doing it for me, sorry!
Still, cuddly enough to earn a spot on this list… And honestly, one on my shelf. She just looked too cute in that uniform, I couldn’t just adopt her out without it!
St Bernard
Saint Bernards, as anyone can tell you, are the world’s premier rescue dogs. Now I know what you’re thinking—wouldn’t that actually be a police dog, or something dumb like that? No way! Because those dogs don’t come with yummy brandy.
So, when I met a drunk girl named Brandy, who was I to resist? Sure, she had a boyfriend—had. But I sent him squealing away as a short, chubby teacup piglet. Shirley Shift Tip! If you are going to leave someone to the wilds, make sure you make them an herbivore. Less likely to attack people, good for trimming weeds, everybody wins.
Anyways, this girl starts going crazy, begging to do something to rescue him—how great is that? She even knew what I wanted to make her into! Anyways anyways, I take my time with it. I start out with the fur patterning, dying her skin that lovely mix of white and brown.
Then I work a bit on her face. She was cute, maybe a little pudgy, so it didn’t take too much to droop her cheeks into jowls. For fun, I gave her the nervous tick of shaking them whenever she’s nervous. And, unfortunately, that’s where we run into a little speed bump.
See, Saint Bernards are DROOLY. They’re these big, heavy, slobbery mutts that really can’t help but leave a puddle wherever they go. And some people are into that. I’m sure there’s at least one of you out there who’d have loved if I made her boyfriend into a towel that loses his mind the wetter he gets. But that’s just not my style, sorry!
Other than that though, she was super cuddly. It was really fun to hold her and squeeze her, especially because these dogs are adorably when a bit chunky. But, too messy. That’s just life!
Tibetan Mastiff
Whoa, I did not know this dog existed! Big thanks to MikeyMoo29 for suggesting it in the comments, even though he didn't seem too happy to become one. I can't imagine why, because there's so much to love about these dogs.
They have the biggest, softest manes, I totally had to change his shoulders early just to keep him from pawing at it. And his paws! Oh wow, they ended up as big as a lion's! Suuuper soft and fun to rub your cheek against. They did seem a bit heavy though, but not breathe nearly as heavy as his thick, heavy jowls.
Sure, he was a bit of a looker so it kind of sucks to take that from the world. But you know, there's really something fun about seeing a cute guy panic as his face starts to heavily drool, slobbering like an idiot. One thing I would watch out for is the drool. Once I gave him a big floppy tongue, it was like I was being waterboarded!
Unfortunately for them, that’s a problem they share with the St. Bernard. Unless you’re a real big fan of showering all the time (really who has time to shower twice a day!?), I really don’t think these are good dogs for the responsible Shifter.
That said, that nice and soft mane absolutely tips this in his favor. There’s just so much more fur to play with, and you can have fun shaping it to different styles, trimming it, or better yet lengthening it! If you give them the classic magical fluff-up, they’re really like the biggest, softest teddy bears ever.
Plus? Kinda big. Really big, actually. Maybe people with a phobia of dogs should steer clear, but I’m positive this dog would be perfect for a Shifter who wants to go camping. I really should have thought of that and kept him around as a plushie, just to revert him back on my next park trip. Ah well, I’m sure he’s happier now with that family I left him with. Probably. I should check up on them.
Bernese Mountain Dog
But moving on, we’ve got a secret favorite of mine, just for the fur patterning alone. The Bernese Mountain Dog is a bunch of fun. Imagine a dog that’s nice big and cuddly like the others, but still soft and warm to hold. Then make the hair sleeker and cuddlier, and you kind of get the idea.
They’re a bunch of fun, and I’ve given a bunch of former people to my friends. Best of all, they’re just derpy enough for the change to be fun. You can take anyone, from a politican to a frycook, and they’ll look just as cute on all fours.
Something about these pups makes them look just so naturally bewildered and playful. Maybe it’s that tricolor fur, maybe it’s how their friendly faces make it look like they always want to be hugged and cuddled. Whatever it is, they’re the right combination of big and fluffy.
Unfortunately, I love them so much that it’s hard to think of more to sell you on them! Seriously though, try them out.
Golden Retriever
This should come as no surprise to any avid readers of my column, but my absolute favorite dog to cuddle is my Goldie, Rosco! I still remember when he was human (but don't ask me to remember his name lol), he begged me so loudly, even as I squished his adorable brain into a much better shape!
See, that's what I love about Goldies. They can be just staggeringly dumb, so you can take a talented, driven person and utterly demolish their brainpower. My personal favorite is to start with drool, to make them self-conscious about how much their mouth is watering. Then, when they try and cup their hands under it to avoid making a mess, you start with the paws.
Some people go fur-first; I like to go paw-pad first. I want them to see their hands start to bulge, and see if they can recognize that they’re becoming a dog. That’s part of the fun of it. See, if they do, that means they’re smart enough that you can really play with their brain. And if they don’t, you just enjoy them panicking as their shoulders stiffen, and they start to lose their range of motion.
Anyways, my goodest boy Rosco was a smarty. Maybe he knew it, maybe he didn’t. He sure doesn’t now!
Part of the fun of changes like this is that you can have your fun with draining all their education away. For Rosco, I told him that if he could guess what was making him dumb, I’d change him back! He kept guessing things like drool, tongue play, and fur growth, until he was sputtering incoherently. For the record, it was standing on all fours, haha! He had no idea that resisting my commands to ‘roll over’ was actually the worst possible thing for him. But at least he listens now.
And boy, do Goldies love to listen! Their big, heavy ears are perfect for whispering all sorts of secrets into, and their faces are so cutely expressive. You could read the dictionary to one and they’d look happy and wag their big, heavy, fluffy tails.
I bet the person Rosco used to be would really object to me cuddling him as I write this, but guess what? I don’t need to care about it. And neither does he.