(F to Various)
“Today’s the day…” Paige hummed to herself, casting a wide grin at her computer. Disney+ had just launched, meaning that she was scant seconds from experiencing the greatest entertainment experience since the invention of the lava lamp.
All that she was missing… was a spell.
Indeed, witch had, as of late, taken a rather cavalier approach to the idea of using money. After all, why spend her hard-earned cash when she could just magic up solutions to life’s little problems? And, for this, she had just the spell in mind… And the proper location.
Paige had learned from the last time she’d tried to spellcraft her way around the House of Mouse. This time, she’d taken the rather necessary precaution of moving to Victoria’s island retreat, a magical getaway where no corporate hexlawyers would be able to find her.
“A little magical account creation, and we’re in business,” she hummed to herself, wiggling her fingers. She grinned as her browser lit up, her new username appearing in the webpage’s login field: 2DisneyFanTemp.
Then the screen flashed red, and Paige’s eyes widened. “That… Can’t be good…” She had enough time to brace herself for the inevitable before a bolt of magic arced from her computer’s screen into her buxom chest.
“Oh… Boy, that feels weird…” She muttered, rubbing her sore chest. She scratched at her head as well, wondering what the spell had done to her, and also began to try to retype her credentials, and also also clicked her phone on to try to see what was… “Wait. How am I using four hands at once?”
Paige looked down, gasping in shock as she saw she now sported four arms. As if they were alerted to her attention, her hands stopped what they were doing, and turned to give her a friendly wave. Then they started to twitch and spasm.
Paige watched as her pinkies shook themselves out of existence. Her other fingers shortened towards her palms, which grew soft, blue pads. She poked at her paw-like hands curiously, only to wince as sharp nails extended from her fingers.
“Blitznak!” She yelped, her dulcet tones taking on a much sharper, higher pitch. She gasped and pawed at her throat with all fours paw-like hands, a perfect Disney recall placing the word to a film. “Crabba snabba, Paige am turning into Stitch!”
The woman’s blue eyes bulged as she turned to run towards her bathroom, the logical place to keep her spellbooks. As she ran, her eyes drained of color, becoming black and doglike—though it perhaps would be more accurate to say the color was simply redistributing itself. Her skin took on a rich shade of azure, one that was soon accompanied by short, fluffy hairs.
“No no no no! Choota!” She wailed, alien words popping into her head as English shunted itself to the back of her increasingly alien brain. Fortunately for her, her inevitable form was something of a supergenius, albeit one waylaid by thoughts of mischief and destruction.
Paige’s clothes billowed around her as she fought back urges to mess with Victoria’s belongings, knowing that it would be an idea too dangerous even for Experiment 626. Instead, she contented herself with tearing her blouse, allowing her developing spinal quills some room to breathe.
She paused at the sound of tearing, a new destructive interest coming to the forefront of her mind. Her ears fwumphed into large and floppy lobes, which twitched with delighted interest. “Oooh… Kata baka dooka?”
Paige twitched her nose, giggling impishly as she shrank a little further, her figure now more feral than feminine. She didn’t mind—in fact, that made it all much easier to tear her blouse again. And again. And again. Her spinal quills shivered with pleasure, and she curled toes that now resembled the claws on her hands.
“Eeeheheheheee!” She cackled, rolling onto her back, sundering her clothing, and letting her lengthening tongue slip from past her mouth. Thick alien drool dripped from the appendage, and she wondered how the floor tasted.
It was the kind of ludicrous thought that would never pass through Paige’s head—which was precisely why she simply had to slap her tongue against the floor like a mop and drag it about. A thick trail of mucus soon glistened on the ground, and she giggled with amusement, slurping her tongue back into her mouth and smacking her lips.
“Meega nala kewwsta!” She cackled, before promptly shoving her prehensile tongue into her bulbous dark nose, clearing out her sinuses and having herself a quick pre-conquest snack for good—
With a flash, she was back to relative humanity, albeit with the taste of alien booger on her tongue. Paige shuddered, her mouth opening and closing like a fish’s. Then irritation beat out revulsion, and she dashed to her computer.
“Oh, you think you’re so cute? Well, see how you like this!” She increased the potency of her spell, forging another account: 3DisneyFanTemp.
As before, the screen glowed red—though this time, there wasn’t even enough time for her to rationalize what was happening. A bright bolt overcame her, lifting her off her feet, squishing her and remolding her.
Slender legs with thunder thighs turned into golden talons. Her neck stretched away from an increasingly teeny body. Her arms pulled into small flightless wings, more for comical effect than utility. Her lips hardned into a beak, and her eyes became round and bulbous.
The magic released her, and she fell with a feathery splat onto her computer. “HWA-GWAK!? BUCKAW!” Paige exclaimed rather eloquently, which was chicken for: ‘Why Heihei!? This is the most unfair thing I’ve ever experience in my entire life; I can’t believe that such an injustice was visited upon my nubile frame, and for this reason I dare say that I shall proclaim vengeance upon the deviser of this foul curse!’
Chicken is a very nuanced language.
Chicken is also a form dispossessed of most intelligence, as Paige soon discovered. Her round eyes glassed over, and she found her head bobbing up and down, striking they keys to her laptop with a harshness that nearly cracked them. It wasn’t helping the hunger in her belly, though…
Paige tottered her way over to the round mouse plugged into the computer, which looked almost like bird seed, if someone had forgotten what birdseed looked like and was also an idiot. Fortunately, Paige’s chicken brain met both of those criterion, and she widened her beak around the device.
“Buck-urk! Ghhkhhkhhhkkkhhh!” She began to choke on the mouse, flapping her wings in frantic distress—
—and spitting the mouse out a second later, grimacing as she caught the damnable thing in her hand. It still dripped with her saliva, and she made a face, wishing she hadn’t just torn up her blouse. At least that could have dried this off some.
“Okay, new plan. Let’s try something not-Disney. I’m sure Pixar’s a safe bet, right?” Paige tossed a spell towards her computer, swapping the login ID to ‘PixarFan4RealzTemp.’
Nothing seemed to be happening, so she drummed her fingers against her desk, wondering when something interesting would happen. Nothing happened, so she kept patiently sitting at her desk, unaware of how it was slowly growing larger and larger.
“Come on… This is taking much too long.” An assertive tone layered itself beneath her words, and she found a boundlessly confident expression settling across her features. “Surely by now this device should yield its secrets!”
She stood upright, barely noticing that she was now standing atop her chair, rather than before it. “After all, no computer can last long before Paige Lightyear of Star Command!” She grinned, proudly pressing at her chest, only to hear the rapping sound of plastic-on-plastic.
“W-what the?” Paigezz gasped, looking down at herself and staring at her Barbie-like figure. It wasn’t to last long, however, as faux armored paneling pressed out from her curves. It was retro and boxy, the perfect sort of thing for a toy… No, not a toy. For an agent of Star Command!
Puggzz grabbed at her head with both hands, shaking it from side to side slowly. “N-no… Not like this. I can resist this. I’m better than this! Remember your training!” She groaned as a jetpack grew from between her shoulderblades, its spring-loaded wings locking into place.
Slowly but surely, her range of motion was restricting itself. Ball-and-swivel joints marked her 18 (eighteen!) Action Points of Articulation, and she found herself unable to hold her palms at her head much longer. Not that she’d want to do that, of course. After all, how else could she deploy her Action Sealing Helmet? How else could she use her Action Karate Judo Chop? How else could she Action Action Advertising Merchandise?
A plastic grin settled across Puzz’s face, as she tapped a button on her chest. Her wings sprang free behind herself, their lights ticking as they flashed on and off. She tapped another button on her chest, and a masculine voice slipped from deep within her: “To Infinity, and Beyond!”
Slowly, stiffly, Buzz lifted her arms forward, still smiling, and she fell towards her destiny.
Destiny, as it turned out, could also be pronounced as ‘table leg,’ and destiny happened to hurt quite a bit. Paige rubbed at her temple sorely, glaring daggers at her table and wondering if she could render it animate just to discipline the thing.
But, priorities first. This was a challenge now, and Paige wouldn’t stop until she had unlocked her own free Disney+ account. She rose towards her laptop, changing her angle of attack once more: ‘Mar-VellDanversButARedheadTemp.”
“Let’s see you try that out! No matter what it is, if it’s in the MCU, then I’m sure to super-handle the change!” Paige puffed out her chest proudly. And kept puffing, puffing, puffing. Her eyes widened as her cheeks swelled, and she looked down to find her belly was positively rotund.
“H-hmmpff!?” She muttered through tight lips, pawing at her bloated belly. Every time she thumped her palms against it, she heard the hollow thump of a drum being beaten, and her cheeks burned with embarrassment. Frantically, she wracked her brain for possibilities as to what she was becoming—but frustratingly, was drawing a blank.
Her skin tingled, lightening to a pristine, alabaster-shaded polymer. It creaked as more air flooded her form, and the gears finally began turning within Paige’s head—figuratively, of course. Baymax’s processors were far more advanced than analog technology.
“N-no, wait. Think. You must focus.” Paige’s tone took on a clipped, halted robotic accent. “You are named Paige. You are a witch. Who is very good. At. Spellcasting.” She narrowed her eyes, only for them to be forced wide, cameras replacing organic sight.
Data scrolled its way across her peripheral vision, including an analysis of the pheromones she’d subconsciously released: Human. Simple-minded. Panicked. Irritated. Recommended Assistance: Hug.
Before she knew what she was doing, Paige wrapped her arms about her soft body, her inflatable self creaking. She squeezed herself tight, and hated the fact that it felt rather good, almost good enough to calm her down and make her forget all about her mission.
Then she was human once more, accusingly pointing at her computer. “You DARE to make me hug myself? I’ll show you who’s boss!”
The logon ‘ExpandedUniverseOrBustTemp’ lasted only seconds longer than her form. This time, electricity launched itself from between her laptop’s keys, encircling her, remolding her, reshaping her. Despite a cackle from Palpatine himself, it didn’t hurt. If anything, it was rather numb.
Paige fell with a metallic THONK and realized that there was a rather good reason for that. Her lower body was now a simple sphere, and her head magnetically swiveled atop it in confusion. The motion made an audible mechanical whirring, and she let out a mechanical squawk in surprise. “BWARMNWOO!”
It was the sort of sound a droid would make, and not just any droid: Paige’s favorite cuddleball himself, BB-8. She quickly set her binary processors into overdrive, and settled on a fitting monicker: P8-G3. With that settled, the new droid let out a mechanical cackle.
How foolish of Disney to underestimate her! As a witch, she might not be able to spellcast her way into the mainframe—but as a droid? It would be child’s play. Once she figured how to get onto her desk, of course.
P8-G3 angled her dome-like head back with a few curious beeps, before flexing a muscle deep inside herself and… Deploying a lighter. Okay, so that didn’t exactly work, but she knew that BB-8 units came with a grappling hook. All she had to do was feel out how to deploy the hook. She flexed another muscle and made the lighter flick on. Another muscle made it do a twirl. Why was her body so accursedly comically-apt!?
“BWEETOOLOOWROO!” P8-G3 let out the most vile curse she could manage, before quickly scrolling through all of her myriad components. Blue-Milkshake-Stirrer, Coin Cannon, FO AT-ST hacking device, and a dozen fanboy-triggering inventions flicked past her monocular eye before she realized that the hacking device would surely—probably—maybe work on her computer.
She kept that one in mind, rolling her body back, then wheeling it forward with enough momentum to knock her laptop from its perch. It was a two-for-one victory: she was able to discipline her desk, and lower her laptop to an easy reach. She let out a giddy mechanical cackle, then wheeled forward, hacking probe fully extended.
This was it, victory was at hand, victory was… Wait, hands?
“No!” Paige wailed, staring accusingly at a finger that had once been the key to her boredom’s salvation. “Damn you, conveniently plot-timed transformation!” She lifted both hands this time, sending all of her magic into the computer.
“Give me the streaming sensation of the generation, or give me death!” Paige wailed, driven half-mad by her recent string of changes and half-mad by her need to stream as much Disney at her face as possible. The sum was a fully insane witch, one who would dare to try using ‘NatGeoOrSomethingAdminPermanentWORKDANGIT’ as a username, violating both the character limit and her spell’s natural safety restrictions in an instant.
Too late, did Paige realize her mistake. She swallowed hard, backing away from her laptop as it started to shudder and quake. “U-um… Nice baby. Good laptop. Please don’t do a bad thing to me.”
Its response was to slam her against the wall with a wave of magical energy. She felt herself flatten, only to rebound bigger than ever. “I said please!” She yelped, looking down to a gluttonous gut and thighs that held enough thunder to make Thor blush.
“Unfortunately, the dimwitted witch had not used a Marvel login. Rather than meet the Thunder God of her dreams, she found herself becoming something altogether bestial,” said a rather placid British man.
Paige blinked, looking around her apartment. “H-hold on. What was that? Do I have a freaking narratorrrrgh nowrrh?” A low growl slipped into her words, and she felt her features flow. Her plump lips thinned and darkened at the same time, while her brow sloped forward.
“Fortunately, this would not be as much of a reduction in intelligence as one might expect.”
“Gwworgh!” Paige replied, struggling to work with vocal cords that were suddenly unfamiliar to her. She pawed at her throat, eyes widening at the feeling of thick, poofy fur beneath her fingers. Her heart hammered in her chest, and with each pump it grew bigger and bigger. And so did she.
Her petite frame took on a thick, padded bulk. She swelled to a form more befitting of a wildlife special, her nose upturning on her face, and her face upturning on her body. It left with the ability to comfortably look dead ahead when on all fours, which was exactly what the veterinarian had called for.
“Our forming grizzly finds herself in a curious predicament: she lacks the streaming service of her dreams, and yet her current dreams revolve around raiding the fridge in search of snacks.”
Paige thought that sounded rather sensible, all things considered. She wobbled on her thickening, trunk-like legs, teetering and falling onto her forepaws. The impact of her fall came with enough volume to rattle the ground below her, and she felt an odd surge of pride at that.
And why wouldn’t she? She was queen of the forest, after all. Even if this forest happened to be an island getaway owned by one of her friends.
Her belly jiggled as she gained another few dozen pounds, weight that left her paradoxically starved for more. Quickly, Paige thumped her large paws against the wooden floor of Victoria’s cabin, moving at a brisk pace towards her friend’s fridge.
“Lost to hunger, Paige remembers Victoria had a special plate of salmon the witch had been saving for herself, under the condition that Paige never sample it,” said Paige’s narrator, expertly delivering subtle, nuanced, unobtrusive exposition. “At the time, Victoria’s exact words had been: ‘you’ll end up stuffed if you try.’”
Paige understood about half of those words, if she was being generous, and a third of them if she was being realistic. Fortunately, ‘salmon’ was chief among those. She could taste it already: juicy, cool, wonderful fish, the kind that she could just eat and eat and… Wait, why was the fridge open? Where did the salmon go?
Paige snuffled at her hands, watching them bloat into paws. A small wiggly tail slipped from her spine, and it drooped in sadness at the revelation that she’d just entered a feral food haze, and hadn’t even been able to enjoy the salmon.
On the bright side, at least the hunger in her belly had vanished. If anything, she was feeling rather full…
“And, too late, the stupid grizzly realizes the mistake she has made,” the narrator’s voice began to take on a familiar female tone, the sort Paige heard in both her greatest dreams and worst nightmares. “If only she had realized that mistake before trying to hack into Disney from her good friend Victoria’s secret getaway.”
The voice had been projected into her head mere moments ago. Now, however, it almost sounded as though it was coming from the next room over. Curious, Paige lumbered onto her feet, thumping her way into the living room.
Victoria was waiting for her, with crossed arms and a disapproving look on her face. “Really? You didn’t learn your lesson after the first attempt failed?”
Paige grumbled, a little embarrassed. Her belly gurgled, and she looked to Victoria with a mixture of guilt and, oddly enough, pride. It wasn’t often that her spellcasting caught Victoria’s attention, and even though it meant she was in trouble, Paige couldn’t help but feel a little happy her mentor had noticed her.
“Yes, yes, laugh it up. Just be glad that I like you, or else I wouldn’t be changing you back after this.”
Paige blinked in confusion, her head clouded by grizzly instincts and… Something else. It was light and airy, and made her head feel funny. She fell onto her padded butt with a huff, her tongue flopping dopily from her mouth. “Grruuhhh?”
“Ooh! That pose. I like that a lot. Let’s keep you just like that.” Victoria held her thumbs and forefingers forward, miming a photo’s frame. It was one of her favorite spells, and Paige found her muscles frozen… Though the odd, ticklish feeling inside her didn’t abate.
If anything, it was getting worse. Paige could still move her eyes a little, and she looked to her frozen arms and legs. Something seemed off about them, like their proportions, or how her claws now looked like they were stitched fabric—oh.
“Remember? ‘You’ll. End. Up. Stuffed.’ I can’t believe I needed to spell it out for you. When you get Disney-crazy, you really get forgetful,” Victoria sighed, walking towards the grizzly.
Every step brought Paige closer to an inanimate life. Her arms and legs fluffed up, and her already impressive belly swelled further, bloating with cottony fluff. The dopey look remained on her face, even as her tongue became pink velvet and her eyes turned to shiny glass beads.
Then Victoria was beside her, scooping her hands under the cotton-stuffed grizzly’s arms. She lifted Paige without effort or protest, and as she lifted, Paige dwindled in height. By the time Paige was lifted to Victoria’s head, she was little more than two feet tall, a perfect cuddletoy for her magical friend.
“Luckily… I happen to be of a similar mind to you.” Victoria carried Paige into her bedroom, where an unlocked Disney+ screen awaited them. “And even luckier, I happen to not mind using my credit card.”
Paige felt a small thrill of shame, one that was quickly hugged away from her body. In its stead, comfort and excitement overcame the teddy bear’s emotions, and she found herself warm and content, ready to marathon some Disney with her closest friend.