People, being morbidly curious by nature, have always wondered what sound would begin the end of the world. Some people expected a bang; others a whimper. Yet nobody expected it to come with a splat.
For Susan Brystal, the apocalypse began in the oddest way possible. She was on her way to a very high-class business meeting when she saw the first victims of the infection: a boy and a girl. They looked almost normal, except for the dark bands around their eyes; pointed ears; and the fact that their hair seemed to be painted on thickly, making the individual strands all but indiscernible.
The closer Susan looked at the two, the more she saw something in the girl’s hair. With a start, she realized that the two pigtails which the girl sported were actually tentacles, each of them ending in a large suction cup. Upon further examination, the boy seemed to have these as well, though his were shorter and slicked back along the back of his head.
And there was also the fact that both of them had what looked to be paint guns—though on closer inspection, the guns fired some sort of ink. They were firing at them one another, each trying to hit the other without much success.
Naturally, she assumed that the two were playing pretend, and she made to get on her way. After all, she was a very important person with a very important meeting to get to.
Then the girl looked to her with a smile, waving her hand. “Squeemr! Weedy squee squee weemerwee!” She chirped, tilting her head to the left and hefting her ink gun, which looked to be a classic Super Soaker.
Susan blinked in surprise, tilting her head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that…”
The girl blinked back, then smiled, repeating herself but slower this time. To Susan’s surprise, though the girl’s words were unchanged, she heard them as though they were in English. “Hey! Wanna join us in a turf war?”
Susan chuckled and shook her head ‘no’. “Sorry, but I need to get going. I have a very important thing to get to.”
The boy shrugged, saying something similar in the language which Susan heard as a “Your loss.” He shrugged and pulled out his squirt pistol, trying to shoot a pistol of his own, and the two ran down the block and out of sight.
Tracy considered calling the police about the possible damage these kids might do, but she realized it wasn’t worth it. After all, she had a meeting to get to.
And get to it she did, albeit a few minutes late. Not that it really mattered; Susan’s presence was only needed there for the company to look a little more official. The presenter was her best friend, a blond named Tracy, and the woman had reviewed the presentation with her last night.
Sure enough, as Susan slipped into her chair, Tracy was getting to the part about “monetizing synergistic affiliations to promote a diversified, forward-moving workplace.” Hardly the most riveting speech, but still one that Susan wanted to be there for.
Then something went awry. Tracy stepped to the window to open it, expressing the metaphorical “breath of fresh air that the company needed”, and a large glob of ink sailed through, exploding on the surprised blond.
“O-oh!” Tracy exclaimed, moving to wipe it off. But instead of sticking to her, the ink was sinking within her skin, being absorbed through her pores as she dusted herself off. She seemed not to notice, satisfied with being dry.
“Anweemer wees!” Tracy cleared her throat, her voice changing to that same language of the kids from earlier. Susan’s eyes widened as her ears adjusted, and the people around her murmured with confusion.
“As I was saying!” Tracy cleared her throat loudly. “We Inklings have a duty to ink as efficiently as possible! Points efficiency is a necessity in this economy! That means blasters ink a path while rollers cover the base!” Her ears started to lengthen as she spoke, drawing to either side of her head.
Susan blinked in confusion. Rollers? Inklings? Her friend as an… Inkling? What was she talking about?”
“And I think you all should know that it’s a horrible idea to jump and ink when in combat. Great for coverage, but that stuff is for other games! Here we dive and demolish! You see an enemy, you turn into a squid, and you circle around them! Head-on battles are hard to win with so many people spamming the Gals! You need to be sneaky!” Tracy’s eyes burned with passion as dark bands grew around them, and she grinned eagerly.
“Plus, I know this should go without saying, but gear matters!” Tracy’s business outfit began to change as she spoke, transforming from professional wear to a casual t-shirt and shorts, complete with a pair of sneakers to match. “You want to keep your gear with the right stats for the right weapon—but if you’re in Turf War; feel free to be fresh!”
She tossed her hair out as a pair of tentacles sprouted from her scalp, and Tracy beamed with pleasure. Susan hadn’t see her smile like that in a long, long time. “Also, if you have an Inkstrike, drop it where it would be an inconvenience for the enemy to ink—or place it during the final countdown! Don’t put it in front of their base, where they’ll just get free points, or on their spawn, where the shield will cancel it!”
Her eyes seemed to be burning with a quiet fire, and Susan marveled at how much better Tracy was looking despite what was happening to her. It was like her friend was somehow getting younger!
“Oh!” Tracy finished. “And in conclusion, if you really want to be cheap and get a bunch of splats at once… Use a Dynamo Roller!” With that, she pulled out a massive paint roller from out of nowhere, lifting it high in the air as she jumped.
Susan watched this with surprise; then she ducked beneath her desk just as the roller flicked forward, sending a spatter of pink ink all across the room.
There were yelps and muffled cries of confusion, and by the time Susan lifted her head above the desk, nearly all of the room was transforming.
Some people were melting into small cartoon squids that quivered in fear; others were pawing at their inky bodies as they began to get younger. All of them seemed to be just as distressed, their worry made only more real as Tracy lifted the roller again.
“Oops, missed a few!” She grinned, looking straight at her best friend as she aimed the hefty thing.
Susan gulped. She’d gotten lucky the first time, but to dodge two times in a row? There was no way she could be that lucky.
Fortunately for her, she was. A thin sky-blue laser settled on Tracy’s forehead, and before she could bring the roller down a large jet of ink shot from through the open window, covering her from head to toe.
The former businesswoman squeaked as she exploded with an audible pop, her empty clothes drifting to the ground and a pair of cartoony eyes drifting upward, shouting with Tracy’s voice: “No fair using an E-Liter! I’m so going to splat you when I respawn!”
It was enough weirdness to prompt Susan into motion, and before the woman fully realized what she was doing, she’d thundered out the emergency exit, sprinting back to her house as fast as she could.
The way back from work was just as weird as work itself, full of people transforming into Inklings; guns, rollers, and even brushes popping into existence; and a dazzling array of beautiful colors as the world was starting to get painted over.
Naturally, Susan responded to this with a shriek of terror, scampering into her house and locking the door as quickly as she could. She remained inside for a matter of hours, until her phone began to chime with texts from Tracey.
To her surprise, they were in English and not that Inkling language, a series of messages telling her how much fun her best friend was having. Susan scowled in dismay, closing her eyes and curling into a ball as she waited to hear screams and explosions outside, the surest sign of the end of days.
But to her surprise, though there were screams and explosions, they were nothing like what she’d anticipated. The screams were like squeals of delight, and the explosions were all cartoony poofs and splatting sounds, which only elicited more screams of mirth.
Susan actually found herself envying them; wanting to be with them. She groaned and stuffed her face into a pillow, screaming. Today was the freakiest day she’d ever had in her life; she had no idea what was going on or why she wanted to be a part of it!
Her mind was made up for her when a text blinked in on her phone, a message from Tracy: ‘I’m outside, R U coming?’ A knock sounded at her door a moment later, and Susan looked down to it, chewing on her lip. If Tracy really was having fun… Being the last person on Earth would suck anyways.
Susan stepped down the staircase slowly, a pair of conflicting images in her mind. On the one hand, she felt like a prisoner on death row. On the other hand, she felt like she was about to be taken out to prom, ready to have the best time of her life.
The woman sighed and took the stairs faster, resolving to get it over with, like pulling off a Band-Aid. She tugged the door open and looked out, frowning with confusion. There was nobody there! Then she realized her error and looked down, finding her pink-headed friend standing there with a smile. Right. Inklings were shorter than people.
Tracy greeted her with a wave and a smile, showing her sharp canines. “About time! Come on, we really need to go and have a Turf War! You’re a little bit late to the party, but soon we’ll be playing Ranked Battles in no time! It’s Rainmaker!”
Susan blinked, a little overwhelmed. “Um… Sorry? Turf Wars? Ranked Battles? Rainmaker?” It was a lot to drop on a grown woman all at once, and she was struggling to keep up.
Tracy scoffed and rolled her eyes. “In order: Fun, fun, and football, if the football was a bazooka that could explode… So, you know, more fun.” She grinned, tentatively raising her roller.
Susan paused, her heart beating in her chest. Did she really want to go through with this? She probably couldn’t ever go back… She nodded quickly, too afraid she’d rethink it. “If you’re really having fun, I want to—mugphrgl!”
Tracy had flicked her roller forward as soon as Susan had nodded, and the woman had earned a mouthful of her friend’s ink for her consent. Tracy squeaked worriedly, her eyes wide at the prospect of having hurt her friend.
“I’m fine, I’m fine!” Susan coughed, gulping down the liquid. It was like a rich warm cream pouring down her throat, and her neck was starting to tingle. “I squiblib wee woomy!” She paused, unused to her own voice sounding like an Inkling’s. “I mean, I feel really great!” She smiled, looking at Tracy with eyes that began to widen with youth.
An energy that Susan hadn’t felt in years was filling herself, and she found herself unexpectedly breaking into a smile. She didn’t know what had happened, but there was an incredible weight that just lifted from her shoulders, her body and spirit alike feeling lighter.
And actually… Her clothes were feeling lighter, too! Susan looked down with a smile as her business shirt became a light T-shirt, emblazoned with a black anchor on it. Her pumps became a set of cozy sneakers, and her pants transformed into a cute pair of shorts.
Susan then squeaked as her whole body started to shrink, her proportions switching from that of an adult woman to a squid-kid’s. Wrinkles vanished from her face; her age spots disappeared; and even her joints began to feel rejuvenated.
The transforming woman smiled as her canines lengthened, wondering if she could ever go back to being a boring old person—or if she would want to be. Her everything felt so much better, and the world looked so much more… Fun! Dark bands came in around her eyes and she smiled, not yet realizing how much sharper her teeth were.
Susan tossed her brown hair out as it lightened to the same pink as Tracy’s, the strands of her hair joining together and shortening on her head to a close-trimmed cut. Then a pair of tentacles sprouted, one from either side of her head.
Susan grinned and pet them happily, feeling them just as much as she could feel her fingers. She played her fingers along her suction cups happily, grinning at the sensation of the cups along her fingertips. It was like nothing she’d ever felt before, and the girl grinned up to Tracy as her ears lengthened, drawing to pointed tips.
The new Inkling breathed as she looked down at her body, fully transformed and yet oddly more perfect than she’d ever been in her life. She was bursting with energy, ready to join Tracy in… With a frown, Susan realized she didn’t have a roller, a gun, or even a brush to spread her ink!
The problem resolved itself almost immediately as with a small popping sound, a weight falling into her right hand. She looked down to find a dark gun which, to her surprise, she recognized. She’d seen it plenty of times in her childhood, during dozens of game nights. “Oh my God, is this a 1985 NES Zapper?”
Tracy giggled. “You sound so formal! It’s an N-Zap ’85, and it’s exactly what our team needed! Come on, let’s go!” She waved excitedly, gesturing to the large trail of ink that spread away from Susan’s house into the city. Then Tracy disappeared with a faint splooshing sound.
Susan yelped aloud, her tentacles lifted in surprise as she looked for her friend. “Tracy?” She looked down to the ink in concern, only to squeak as a pair of cartoony eyes looked up at her from it.
“Yes? What are you waiting for?” She asked; pausing momentarily. “Oh! You must not be getting it quite yet! Imagine that you’re a squid!”
“Why would I—eep!” Susan squeaked as the world grew in size around her, her body suddenly so small. She realized that she had become a cartoony squid simply by thinking about it, and the girl felt herself blushing with excitement.
She flopped on the ground twice happily, the second jump enough to carry her into Tracy’s puddle. The second she did, a warm rush enveloped her body, like a scented oil massage for her soul. Susan felt so calm and safe in this that she almost missed Tracy’s next words.
“Now come on, that apartment complex isn’t going to ink itself!”
With that, Tracy was off and zooming through the ink, her squiddy body swimming through it with ease.
Susan watched her friend go, then experimentally tried to swim forward after Tracy. To her immense surprise, she sailed through it quicker than she’d ever thought possible, the world blurring around her. A smile settled on the girl’s lips, and she voiced a loud and happy “Woomy!”
The rest of the day passed by in an ink-redible blur of adrenaline, and Susan found herself walking home tiredly, completely spent. She was beat and tired from all of the fun she’d had, and she really needed a good night’s sleep to get ready for tomorrow.
Susan flopped into her bed with a happy grin, kicking her feet up on her bed tiredly. She was glad that she and her friends weren’t as boring as they used to be—though Tracy was evidently still predictable, as the E-Liter splatted her at least a dozen times over the course of their battle.
The Inkling girl giggled at the memory, lying back on her bed happily and running her hands along one of her hair’s tentacles. Today was the best day she had in years, and she had a good feeling that tomorrow would be even better.
“Best apocalypse ever.” Susan breathed as she closed her dark-ringed eyes, settling off to sleep. She smiled absently as she realized she’d need new clothes; her business suits woefully overdressed for her new life. “I need some fresh clothes.” She yawned, smacking her lips and slipping into dreams of all of the fun she and her friends would now have.