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Dr. Patel will see you now,” the receptionist said gently to Chris as she poked her head into the waiting room.
Chris nodded and stood with a deep sigh. It had been a couple of days since her romp with Gretchen, and since then, she had taken some time to relax at home and decompress while alone. There had been a lot on her mind, ranging from the use of magic to her increasingly muddled sense of sexual self. She had greatly enjoyed her recent lesbian encounter, but an unwanted dream the night prior left her reeling.
As she entered Dr. Patel’s office, she smiled weakly and nodded her head. “Good afternoon; I hope you’re well,” she said as she took a seat in a comfy chair and sank into the cushion after pulling her tail through the gap in the backside. Despite getting a full night of rest,s he felt emotionally and physically exhausted.
“I am quite well,” the doctor smiled, getting up from her desk and sitting in the chair opposite from Chris. “What about you? Has it been a long week?” She asked with an edge of sympathy in her voice.
Chris glanced up at her and blinked, taking a moment to process the doctor’s words. “Long week?... Oh-- yeah, I guess you could say that,” she agreed, her ears folding down as she mulled over the last little chunk of her life.
Dr. Patel laced her fingers. “Would you like to talk about it?”
Chris shifted in her seat and sat in silence for a minute before responding. “Just getting used to the whole ‘girl’ thing… I’m not suffering from anxiety attacks when I wake up any more, and I’m starting to see the bright side of all of this more often, so that’s good.”
“That is good,” the older woman smiled. “Let’s talk about that more. You’re feeling more comfortable with yourself as a woman?”
Chris hesitated and pushed her legs together while faintly blushing. “It’s not like I want to be a girl, but, well--... I guess it’s not too awful. Everyone has been really nice to me, and there are some benefits.”
“Would you like to discuss what you consider to be benefits? It’s good to focus on the positives of any major life change.”
“Yeah, sure,” the fox woman nodded. She opened her mouth to speak before blushing deeply and realizing what she considered to be one of the biggest benefits. What was she supposed to do? Start rambling about how good female orgasms felt and how she had an incredible lesbian experience? “Err… Female bodies are really sensitive. Like-- getting a back rub as a woman feels better than it did before.”
Dr. Patel eyed Chris curiously. “I won’t push you out of your comfort zone, but you’re always free to discuss anything and everything here. But, regardless, I’m glad you see that increased sensitivity as a boon.”
Chris scratched her head and sighed, averting her gaze to the floor. “I had a good sexual experience… But I guess the subject of sexuality in general is still really weird to me,” she admitted. What was she even saying? An overwhelming pang of awkwardness overcame her and she felt unsure of why she was here right now. Life was looking up for her after transience, so why was she so damned conflicted?
Her dream from the previous night still burned in her mind. She had been enjoying a dreamland romp with Gretchen when everything got hazy. Suddenly, she was on the couch with Rodrick, laughing and watching bad movies. As time went on, they got closer and closer, until she was resting against him with her head on his shoulder. She vividly recalled the sensation of his strong hand on her hip-- that feeling of lightness and giddiness that permeated her every cell. She felt that he could protect her from anything in the whole world and that she’d be safe as long as she stayed by his side.
In that dream, one thing led to another, and Rodrick’s warm lips were planted against hers-- his strong hand slid under her shirt and touched her soft, sensitive skin. In that moment, she would have let him do anything.
It was at that point she woke up in a confused and aroused haze, which led to a myriad of emotions, ranging from self-loathing to anger. She absolutely did not want to be attracted to Rodrick, or any man for that matter. She had been a heterosexual man her entire life; the thought of her sexual orientation changing severely damaged her sense of self-- it was a blow to her autonomy. She hated the complete lack of control over her own life.
“Is this something you feel comfortable talking with me about?” The doctor asked warmly, offering a slight smile.
“I don’t know,” Chris muttered while rubbing her temple. “I guess since I spent my existence as a heterosexual man, the idea of wanting anyone who isn’t a woman kinda disturbs me,” she confessed. “I already feel like I have no damned control over my life anymore; I don’t need this added to the pile of bullshit I have to put up with,” she grunted in frustration, burying her face in her hands.
“I can’t imagine everything you’ve been through these last few weeks,” Dr. Patel stated gently. “You’re struggling because you’re feeling attraction toward men?”
Chris’s cheeks flushed red as she sheepishly nodded. “I-- I still find women extremely attractive, but-- just… Ugh,” she groaned in annoyance as her tail flicked about. “I’ve been experiencing some cramps and getting sweaty and all that. Maybe I’m just going through a hormonal cycle and these feelings will go away when it ends.”
“It is quite common for demi-humans with animal traits to go through cycles-- even women who don’t go through transience have to go through cycles,” the doctor promised. “I have some thoughts if you’d like to hear them.”
Chris wouldn’t acclimate if she refused help. Not opening up would do nothing to help her in the long run, so she begrudgingly nodded in agreement. “Please. Help me feel like I’m not completely insane,” she begged.
“Your sexuality-- that is, who you’re attracted to, doesn’t define you. Even if it changes, you’re not any less you than you’d be if your taste in food changed, or if you stopped enjoying one hobby in lieu of another,” Dr. Patel assured. “I’m not trying to downplay how difficult this shift can be, because it is absolutely difficult, but you are a culmination of your experiences, your personality, your likes, dislikes, memories, and more. Your sexuality is merely one aspect of Chris.”
Chris fidgeted while reaching up to touch one of her ears, still marveling at how much they had changed. Surely her psychiatrist was right-- right? Even if her sexuality changed a little, that didn’t mean she was a completely different person. At the same time, it seemed impossible to shake the embarrassment that bubbled within her. “I can’t get over it, though,” she insisted. “I know logically that there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to one thing or another, but it just feels wrong. What would my family and friends think if I started dating a guy or whatever? How would I change?”
The doctor eyed her curiously. “Those who love and care for you will support you and understand you’ve been through a difficult transition,” she insisted. “Do you want to date a man, Chris? Not that there would be anything wrong with that.”
“N-- no, of course not!” Chris insisted, holding her hands up defensively. “It’s not like I’d ever do it-- it’s just weird that the idea of dating a guy, umm…” She grew flustered as she pushed her legs together and folded her hands in her lap. “It’s weird that the idea of it doesn’t upset or disturb me. It’s about what I feel, not about what I’m actually going to do.” She was afraid that it made no sense, but she was struggling to make sense of her emotions to begin with, so maybe it was to be expected.
Dr. Patel nodded and crossed one leg over the other. “It’s going to take some time for you to sort out your emotions and figure out where you stand post-transience. When you get these self-deprecating thoughts, remind yourself of what you’ve been through and what you’ve overcome. When you contemplate repressing an aspect of yourself due to perceived notions of what is and isn’t acceptable, I want you to ask if doing so is truly the best course for your long-term happiness.”
“What do you mean, exactly?” Chris asked quietly, struggling to process all of her psychiatrist’s words through the jumble of her own muddled thoughts.
“Let’s say you end up determining you’d prefer dating a man-- that you’d like to get married and become a mother. I’m not saying this is what will happen; it’s just an example. What good would it do you to resist? How would it help you to fight against what your heart wants? Who would you be trying to prove a point to by digging your heels in, and what purpose would it serve?”
Chris honestly had no answer. She stared desperately at the doctor before staring down at the floor in defeat. “I guess I just… I shouldn’t want anything like that; it goes back to that whole autonomy thing,” she mumbled.
“If you don’t want your case of transience to define you and control you, wouldn’t it be the ultimate loss if you allowed transience to wall you off from your happiness? Based on all of those I’ve seen fight against their transience-induced changes, I can promise you that none of them reach catharsis until they stop seeing transience as the enemy-- until they stop seeing their new likes and interests as punishment.”
Chris closed her eyes and let out a frustrated sigh. “I-- I know you’re right. I understand. I’ll try to realign the way I think, but it’s not that simple.”
“It’s never that simple. If it were, I wouldn’t be employed,” the doctor smiled. “I’ll be with you every step of the way.”
Chris opened her eyes and flashed a faint smile. Maybe this was something she could get through, even if her hormones were threatening to drive her mad.
An older woman with graying hair grimaced as she finished bandaging her arm. “Dammit all,” she grunted and grabbed a dry washcloth and wiped sweat and blood from her brow. She sat alone in her bathroom, upon a toilet with the lid closed with a variety of medical supplies strewn about.
“The world is going to hell in a handbasket,” she sighed and shook her head. She then held a hand over her arm and chanted under her breath, a soft white light emanating from her fingertips. After twenty seconds, she moved down to her left leg, which was also bandaged, and continued the process.
When she heard a knock at the door, she stood and pulled a long sleeved shirt on, already wearing a pair of shorts. ‘Who’s bothering me?’ She grumbled as she walked to the door and cracked it open.
“Assa!” Gretchen smiled before blinking and seeing bandages under the older woman’s sleeve. “Is-- this a bad time? You did say I could come over, but…” Now she was concerned.
“Oh-- right. I invited you over,” Assa replied. She looked behind Gretchen, eyeing the dimly lit, rundown apartment hallway, scanning for any signs of life before fully opening the door and gesturing to enter.
As Gretchen stepped in, she walked over and sat on the couch before looking at Assa. “I was going to ask about helping my dear friend learn magic, but it looks like you might have your hands full. Are you okay?” She asked with concern.
Assa sat on the couch next to Gretchen and sighed, resting her head back as she stared at the ceiling. “I might be able to help; from what you’ve said, Chris is the trustworthy sort-- and with a rare magic affinity at that,” she added. “An affinity that may prove useful at this rate.”
Gretchen frowned. “What does that mean? How did you get hurt?”
“Dire Wolves,” Assa replied plainly. “Not something I thought I’d see, to be honest. But, I shouldn’t be surprised.”
A look of sheer confusion spread across Gretchen’s face. “Dire Wolves?? What are you talking about?” Just what on earth was happening to their world?
CHAPTER END
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