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Chris knew therapy only worked when the patient was willing to share. She took a deep breath and considered her following words. “I guess I’m still confused about the whole ‘gender’ thing,” she confessed.

Dr. Patel tapped her fingers on her knee and considered Chris’s words. “I can only imagine. Before I make assumptions, could you elaborate? What about the concept of gender leaves you confused?”

“Self-perception, I suppose?” Chris replied while scratching her neck and shifting her eyes away. “I was a heterosexual man ever since puberty. Even now, it’s not like I secretly hoped to be a woman.” She paused to gather her thoughts, grateful for the cool air pouring in from the above vent. “But, now that I have this body, I’m going by ‘she’ and ‘her .’I even ticked the feminine options for my paperwork today,” she confessed, her cheeks flushing red as she fidgeted.

The doctor took a moment to think over her patient’s dilemma. “Why do you think you’ve chosen to identify as a woman in that sense?”

Chris paused and closed her eyes, quickly racking her brain over the doctor’s inquiry. It was a simple question but one that proved hard to answer. Why did she wish to be perceived and viewed as a woman by the greater public? “I guess it’s because it’s easier? Everything about me is so feminine now that it makes more sense.” When she said it out loud, a pang of guilt overwhelmed her. “Is that wrong of me? I was so terrified of losing my masculinity, and now that it’s gone, I wonder if my-- err, maleness was ever that important to begin with.” Everything was incredibly confusing for Chris.

Dr. Patel offered a warm smile. “You’re concerned whether you chose this for the right reasons?”

“Something like that,” Chris conceded. “I think it’s easier for me this way, but I feel guilty for some reason.” She took a moment to organize her thoughts. “I was male, and now I’m not. I was so terrified of becoming female, and now I immediately want to discard my male pronouns… Since I was a cis man with no desire to change, shouldn’t I strive to live as a man despite my body? I’m not the best educated on these matters, but wouldn’t it make more sense for me to continue existing as a man socially?” When she spoke out loud, she felt stupid. Were these thoughts completely irrational? “I don’t necessarily want to be female, but-- I would rather live as one now.”

“Let’s try a thought experiment,” the doctor suggested. “Imagine you’re moving to a new country where you know nobody. It can be permanent or temporary-- it doesn’t matter. It’s a place you will be staying for a long time.”

Chris nodded, picturing herself getting off a plane and arriving in a vaguely European country. She’d put her complete trust in the psychiatrist.

“You arrive as you are, with your body as it is now. The people of this country will never know of your past or who you were before. You live in only the present and look toward the future. Now, imagine going about a normal day identifying as a woman. You visit new friends, see to your appointments, go shopping, go to work, etcetera, using female pronouns while allowing the world to perceive you as a woman.”

Chris started to understand the doctor’s goal. She closed her eyes and focused her mind. In this foreign country, no one knows who she used to be. As she pictured strangers and her imaginary new friends treating her as a woman, she felt mildly embarrassed, but also something else. What was it? It took her a moment to realize it was some type of lightness or giddiness. In this scenario, she could live freely in her new body without worrying about how anyone perceived her. Why did she feel this way? Was it the thought of being able to live as a woman with no strings attached or the idea of not awkwardly having to deal with people who used to know her as a man?

“What are you feeling right now?” The doctor warmly asked.

“I-- well… It’s kinda nice. I don’t have to worry about explaining my transience to anyone and everyone who knows me. I don’t need to complicate things by--” her face turned pale as a knot formed in her stomach. “I was going to say by pretending I’m still a man,” she admitted. She felt like such emotions invalidated and shamed others who had struggled with gender and identity issues. “I-- I don’t think people in my position are pretending-- I didn’t mean to imply that,” she quickly added.

“Take a slow breath. Let me start by saying you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. Every feeling-- every emotion you feel, is valid,” she assured.

Chris looked at her with a desperate look. She was in dire need of reassurance and validation.

“You seem concerned that your personal feelings and struggles with transience might be perceived poorly by others experiencing gender and identity-related issues,” the doctor continued. “I completely understand why you’d feel that way. Many of us have friends and loved ones who have fought hard and persevered through much to understand themselves and to gain acceptance. However, I would like you to remind yourself of something.” She adjusted and gave Chris a sympathetic look. “If you’re overwhelmed, we can also slow down or change the subject.”

Chris realized she must have looked troubled. She swallowed and folded her hands in her lap while shaking her head. “N-- No, please continue,” she assured.

Dr. Patel nodded and continued. “No one has a right to tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel about your transience. You’re the one going through the massive changes, and you’re the one who has to live in your own head. Tell me. Do you feel that all who undergo transience similar to yours should handle it exactly as you do? Do you think others are incorrect for finding their own truths regarding how they perceive themselves and want others to?”

Chris hesitated, her eyes shifting from side to side. After a few moments of silence, she shook her head. “Of course not.”

“And why is that?”

“Because--,” she stopped mid-sentence to think her following words through. “Life isn’t black and white… There are way too many factors in play for there to be one correct way to handle transience like mine. It would be presumptuous and arrogant of me to think my coping mechanisms are superior to anyone else’s.”

The doctor grinned. “I think you’re absolutely right. So, you in no way impose your thoughts and feelings onto others. And you don’t presume your method of handling transience is superior. When it comes to your mental health and happiness, you must put yourself first.” She laced her fingers together and leaned back. “It’s okay to ask questions. To consider why you might feel one way or another. However, these introspections should be to your benefit and not for the perceived benefit of others.”

Chris felt her heart race. It wasn’t wrong of her to treat gender as a matter of convenience? Was it purely about convenience, or did she enjoy the idea of living as a woman? Plenty of questions were left unanswered, but she felt a bit of weight lifted from her back. “I-- thank you,” she quietly responded. “I think I needed to hear that.”

Dr. Patel offered a warm look. “On your journey of self-discovery, you might change your mind or see things differently than you do now. However, this journey is yours and is about you. I’m here to help you navigate these tribulations,” she assured.

Chris faintly blushed and nodded. “I need your help, so thank you.” She was feeling more optimistic by the minute.

Chris let out a sigh of decompression as she stepped into her apartment and closed the door behind her, a yellow paper folder clenched in her left hand. As she walked to her bedroom, she reflected on the day she had while feeling a sense of pride in the fact she made it through both appointments without crying or having an anxiety attack.

At the end of her session with Dr. Patel, she was given some exercises to try. She flopped back onto her bed and opened the folder with papers and documents regarding her appointment.

“I should try one of these exercises tonight,” she mumbled in reluctance as she glanced at a paper within the folder. ‘Body and sexuality awareness, huh?’ She mused, reading one of the listed exercises.

Despite a twinge of embarrassment, she conceded and closed the folder, gently tossing it onto the nightstand. While she felt apprehensive, she couldn’t deny her eagerness. Objectively, she found her new form very attractive and didn’t necessarily hate the idea of getting better acquainted with such a supple, feminine body.

She briefly recalled inspecting herself in the mirror while marveling at her wholly female attributes. How would such a body look in lingerie? Or a bikini? Or even a modest but well-fitted sundress? As she mused, a warm tingle gradually bubbled between her thighs. She distinctly felt a small, concentrated throbbing buried beneath the folds of her sex.

“Mmmm…” She sat up and stood to her feet, unable to longer ignore these sensations. ‘This is my body. This is me.’

Chris quickly stripped, peeling away her pants, shirt, and underwear. Clothes shopping was an imminent reality already on her radar and something Gretchen would be more than happy to help with. For now, there were more important matters at hand. Now naked, she turned her lamp off before lying in bed, her arms and legs sprawled. She breathed slowly, watching the faint outline of her ceiling fan’s oscillation through the dim lighting.

From her positions, she felt the way her hips lay and the soft mounds atop her chest. The cool air caused her rosy pink nipples to harden while everything below the waist radiated with balmy warmth.

She closed her eyes and visualized Gretchen’s nude form, her perfectly shaped vulva glistening and sticky with need. Gretchen would moan and writhe seductively when her clit was rubbed, her vulva twitching and pulsing with desire. That visual always tantalized and aroused Chris, but now it was different. She was most assuredly still turned on by the recollection, but an additional pang of curiosity assailed her.

Chris bit her lip and shifted slightly, her heart rate picking up. She took that scene of Gretchen’s shaking, moaning form and swapped herself in. Now, it was Chris being touched and tantalized by Gretchen, her moist sex deftly probed and rubbed by Gretchen’s lithe fingers.

As the hot throbbing between her legs intensified, she pushed her legs together and felt a panic response urging her to stop. ‘No… I can’t-- I won’t…’ She reminded herself that there was quite literally no good reason to feel bad or wrong for wanting to explore her body. The visual of two beautiful lesbians embracing, one of them being herself, set her loins ablaze.

“Fuck…” She huffed. If she still had her male equipment, she’d most assuredly have a throbbing erection at this very second. Instead, she felt an impossibly hot, sticky sensation consuming her crotch. A small point, which she assumed to be her clitoris, ached with sensitivity and desire.

Chris clutched the bedsheets with her left hand and slowly moved the right to her breast.

Shaking slightly, she brushed a fingertip over her nipple in a slight circular motion. “Ahhh…” She shivered and gasped, a warm tingle rippling through her chest and torso. She broke into goosebumps, her vulva convulsing in response.

‘How are female bodies so damn sensitive?’ She pondered. Her musings held an air of intrigue and excitement rather than anger and denial. Of course, she still felt apprehensive and unsure, but she also began to see the opportunity afforded to her. She was one of few who would get to experience life and sexual pleasure as both a man and a woman. It was already a given that sex in her new body would feel incredible as long as her partner was skilled, which meant she had a myriad of pleasurable new sensations to look forward to.

Her hand drifted lower, sliding to the soft, smooth flesh where her cock and balls once hung. A small amount of pubic hair had grown in, but the entire region was otherwise soft and featureless. She brushed her fingers up and down slowly, massaging the warm skin as she took in every new sensation.

After a brief hesitation, she unclenched her left hand and placed it upon her breast while her right hand traced downward. She bit her lip and squirmed, taking a slow breath as she spread her legs. “Ahhh!” She shuddered as her finger slipped past the apex of her sex and into the warm folds. Feminine anatomy was layered and complex, giving her a plethora of new feelings to sort through.

“God damn…” She muttered, giving her breast a slight squeeze while her fingers probed onward. Upon reaching her clitoris, she took another sharp gasp, her hips jerking slightly. Even the smallest touch was enough to make her pussy quiver, her vagina briefly spasming and seeping viscous fluid.

She had become impossibly aroused as she pressed her fingertip over her clit in a slow, circular motion. Milky, pleasurable ripples washed through her pelvis, causing her to utter a low moan. She imagined what she looked like in that moment, completely naked and in the throws of masturbation.  ‘This is me-- this is my body…’  She told herself again, feeling simultaneously confident and bewildered in her assessment.

Her concerns gradually ebbed, her hips moving into the motion. “Mmm- ahhhh…” She purred, noting how soft and sensual her voice was. A deep, all-consuming pressure welled below her pelvis and within her clit, hinting at greater pleasure to come. As this occurred, she imagined Gretchen between her legs, using her skilled tongue.

Mother nature gently urged Chris toward physical and sexual acceptance. If self-pleasure already felt incredible this early, what kind of bliss awaited her still? She was so lost in her head she didn’t register when her fantasy shifted ever so slightly, a muscular, masculine hand fondling her breast while Gretchen pleasured her down below.

CHAPTER END

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