On a day where dark clouds had formed over the land of Hyrule, and a seemingly unstoppable army of evil was descending upon Hyrule Castle, the servants and soldiers who remained were in a panic, the only thing keeping them together being the guidance of Princess Zelda herself, who had managed to stop the mob from trampling themselves as she led them deep into the dungeon of the castle. She had already ordered that the troops defending Hyrule Castle Town surrender to reduce casualties, the battle already lost and Ganondorf’s troops rapidly approaching upon them. Now, her only concern was getting as many of her people to safety as possible before the castle was inevitably conquered. With a ball of light hovering above her and a number of torches in the hands of her followers, they carefully but briskly made their way deeper and deeper.

Most of the assembled had never seen the rusty metal and crumbling stone before, a relic of less savoury times in the history of Hyrule’s royal family. While Zelda’s face had been cool and collected on the way there, determined to keep up a façade of confidence, in the darkness she let a few flickers of distaste shine through on her face, regretting that she hadn’t thought to demolish them entirely before they could be used by their impending conqueror. If Ganondorf were to catch here, it was likely that she’d be spending her future locked up in one of these ageing cells… She decided that her own discomfort was the least of her concerns, and held up a hand to stop, pausing at their destination.

“In here, hurry!” Zelda gestured towards a seemingly innocuous wall, a flick of her wrist shifting the stone and revealing a hidden escape route that most were eager to funnel themselves through. A few particularly loyal soldiers and maids paused when it was their turn, realising that Zelda seemed to have no intention of accompanying them.

“I’ll be fine! I just have one more task before I make my own escape.” She let her stony visage give way to a small smile, enough to make the hesitating servants nod and scurry away, Zelda closing the passage behind them. She paused and breathed in deeply, exhaling slowly as she prepared to climb all the way back out of these dungeons alone, knowing that she had at best an hour before Ganondorf descended upon her. She would be lying if she said she didn’t want to leave with her servants, having given them her her most reliable escape route intended for the royal family’s use only, but she knew that it would be a most unwise decision. She’d be endangering a group otherwise too far below Ganondorf’s concerns to pursue, and likely expose what she intended to be her backup plan were she ever captured. If Ganondorf didn’t know she had already used it, he might not find out about it until she had used it herself.

But at least now that she was alone, she didn’t have to pretend that she wasn’t scared and uncomfortable. Who wouldn’t be, in her circumstances? For all her strength she was still a princess, a rather pampered one at that, who almost groaned at seeing her beautiful skirt be ruined by the grime of the prison, or the cobwebs that she had to exercise great willpower to avoid flailing to get off of her whenever she had run headfirst into one. The only good thing about the darkness that she was in was that it obscured her makeup running from all this scurrying about and sweating like a pig… These were all minor, almost childish concerns from a young woman thrown into the position of leader under siege, and had the wisdom and good sense to keep entirely to herself. The one consistent virtue of all those who carried the name of Zelda and the blessing of the Triforce of Wisdom was that they could be relied on for said wisdom, when push came to shove.

For one thing, Zelda knew that at any moment she could have teleported herself out of this dank dungeon and back into her comfortable room, were it not for the fact that it would leave a magical signature that a dark sorcerer like Ganondorf was sure to notice on both ends. Her magic, while powerful, was largely for self-defence, not attack. A reflection of the more pacifistic policies of her father and her father’s father, which had done them no favours when they were under magical assault. Her plan, she went over again as she finally left the dungeon and began climbing the stairs to her royal bedroom, was to remove the largest part of her value as a captive, by separating the Triforce of Wisdom from herself. Zelda knew that Ganondorf’s ambitions didn’t stop at merely conquering Hyrule, and that he wanted nothing more thant he wish bestowed by gathering all three pieces. In a worse case scenario, if the hero who carried the piece of Courage failed, it could at least be kept from him. After that she planned to disguise herself, and avoid his grasp as long as possible.

Zelda reached her room, gasping for air after running up such a painfully long flight of stairs. It was one thing when you were slowly, gracefully making your way up one step at a time, but when you were running from bottom to top in high heels it was an absolute nightmare! Whose idea was it anyway to make this castle so huge!? Her beautiful silk dress was all damp and sweaty, her skirt was in tatters, and to make things even worse her makeup was absolutely ruined, her mascara running and her blush smeared. Zelda wasted precious seconds cleaning off her carefully applied makeup in her vanity mirror, so that she could at least bear looking at herself. Best to do it now and not after she had crafted her disguise, she justified it to herself, she could afford to lose a few seconds if she didn’t waste any more time on her vanity.

Still, she allowed herself just a few more seconds to take in her beautiful face, one that she was loathe to alter even if her plan demanded it. Being known across the land for her beauty, Zelda’s ego when it came to her looks was somewhat swollen even if she never let it get the best of her outwardly. And now she was about to spoil it, potentially forever if things turned out for the worse and she was never able to reclaim her role as princess… what a loss for the people of Hyrule. For her, it was going to take a lot of getting used to. No more beautiful dresses, no more servants or would-be suitors, no more lavish banquets or privileges of nobility… it would truly be a test of her character and resolve  to reduce herself to the level of a commoner for the sake of Hyrule.

But first things were first, and Zelda put her lingering regrets and royal ego to one side, knowing that she’d quickly get over it. It was rather selfish of her to be thinking of such things while her people suffered, a sign that a trial like this was exactly what she needed to mature. Zelda took another deep breath, pulling off her long silk glove and exposing the Triforce mark on her hand. She placed her other hand over it and closed her eyes, casting the spell that would separate it from her body. She slowly moved her palm away from the back of her hand, the golden piece of the Triforce emerging. Zelda stifled a gasp, feeling a rush as an immense magical power that she had lived with for her entire life suddenly left her… and that wasn’t the only thing that left her. And that was when Zelda’s carefully thought out plan fell apart.

You see, Zelda had made a certain error in her understanding of her own relationship with the Triforce of Wisdom. As long as she had lived, she had been taught that the princesses of Hyrule were blessed with the ownership of the Triforce of Wisdom because of their own natural wisdom, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. It wasn’t that the Triforce of Wisdom belonged to the many Zeldas because they had earned it through their natural intelligence and wisdom. It was because they had the Triforce of Wisdom that they were intelligent and wise, or at least were made to be so. Many were in fact naturally sharp, but unfortunately for this Zelda, without the Triforce to bolster her brain, she was, to put it bluntly, quite dim. Were it not for the Triforce she would have been known across the land as a natural ditz. Perhaps if she had known that, she wouldn’t have enacted such a plan in the first place…

Of course, Zelda herself was totally oblivious to the fact that she had just unearthed her natural airheadedness. She could certainly feel air in her head, a sudden feeling of lightheadedness, her usually razor-sharp brain feeling rather fuzzy. When Zelda opened her eyes they had a rather unfocused, glossy look to them, as if it was suddenly harder for her to think straight. She shook her head and brushed it off, figuring that a sudden loss as great as that would disorient anybody. She stared at the floating golden triangle before her, eyes sparkling as she was bathed in its golden glow. It was hard to believe that such an artifact had been within her the whole time… Where had it fit, anyway? She held up the side of her hand to it, noting that it was obviously thicker than her dainty palm. It’d make sense if it was in her chest or something, she had plenty of space in there…

Because it was magic, silly, she reminded herself with an uncharacteristic giggle.Duh! It probably, like… shrank or something. Or flattened. She had her eyes closed when she removed it from her body, what if it had, like, peeled off of her hand? The black mark of the triforce was now gone from her hand… why hadn’t that been a gold mark, anyway? That would have been cuter. Such incredibly unimportant questions were suddenly of great interest to her, but they would have to wait, Zelda having to stop herself from wasting a few minutes pondering the logistics of storing a big golden triangle.

Zelda turned her attention to the next order of business: What to do with the big glowing triangle now that it was out of her. She had a few options for it, such as taking it with her and hiding it by hand, but her intended strategy was to teleport it away so that even she didn’t know where it was. That was good for making sure she couldn’t be interrogated over it, but pretty bad if she ever wanted it back. And what if it teleported right into Ganondorf’s face, by sheer chance? And what if she did the spell but it also by sheer chance appeared in her room under her bed where she couldn’t see it, and she assumed that it was far, far away, but Ganondorf found it right away? That would make her look pretty silly!

The odds of this happening were astronomically low, but Zelda couldn’t help but focus on these scenarios. Was it really the best choice? She had kind of come up with it in a panic, and…

“Oh, whatever!” Zelda cried, casting the spell before she had a chance to hesitate a second more. With a flash of light the Triforce of Wisdom was gone, and Zelda had no clue where it went. Just to be safe, she spent a few minutes checking her bedroom just to make sure it really wasn’t under the bed… Zelda had, in fact, had a contingency plan for finding the Triforce of Wisdom after sending it away, but had gotten distracted by thinking about the odds of it going wrong and totally forgotten about it, and hadn’t taken the extra steps necessary to enact it in advance. Now the Triforce of Wisdom was truly lost, wherever it may be, without any hints or clues to track it down. She’d have to cross that bridge when she came to it… Whenever she remembered she had screwed up, anyway.

Shrugging now that was what was done was done, and satisfied that it probably hadn’t teleported into the castle, Zelda moved onto stage two of her plan, her disguise. She stood before her mirror again, running a finger through her beautiful golden hair. Her plan was to transform herself into an old crone, somebody ugly and inconspicuous that nobody would pay much attention to… but now that she thought about it, didn’t that sound like it would suck? She was going to establish a new identity for herself, a form that she might have to spend the rest of her life in. Sure, being ugly would make for a lot of impact whenever she transformed back, but until then… Zelda shuddered at the idea of having to look at somebody as ugly as the face she had planned every time she looked in a mirror. Her beautiful features, all twisted and wrinkly, and…

“Noooooo! I can’t do it!” Zelda wailed childishly, shaking her head furiously. “I can’t turn myself into a total uggo! A princess of Hyrule could, like, never do something so undignified and gross!”

Living alone as some weirdo nobody wanted to speak to, hiding inside all day, scaring the other townspeople or villagers depending on where she decided to live, being a total loner… It all suddenly sounded so terrible to her! It was no way for a princess like her to live! Who cared if it probably made her harder for Ganondorf to find, life wasn’t worth living with so little glamour! Zelda, appalled by the choices she had made mere minutes earlier when she was a lot smarter, decided that this was absolutely not going to happen. This was an opportunity to be whoever she wanted, to start afresh with whatever identity she wanted! Why waste it trying to be the world’s least notable woman? She was smart, she could come up with a disguise that would totally fool Ganondorf anyway!

And so, Zelda squinted at herself in the mirror, deciding on who she wanted to be. Somebody pretty, of course. But she was obviously already pretty, so it’d have to be somebody really pretty. Pretty in a way that Zelda wasn’t already, unrecognisably pretty. And so, lifting an enchanted finger to her face, she got to work. Zelda touched one of her cheekbones, gently tugging it upwards, her face shifting like she was moulding clay. Her cheekbones visibly rose with her finger, Zelda going up just a little… but it wasn’t as much of a difference as she expected. So she went higher, higher, just a little higher… When she lifted her finger, she had gone well past what she had initially intended, but she wasn’t displeased with it. Of course, just that alone wasn’t enough.

Zelda got to work altering her cheeks to match, again going a little too far. Her chin too, she needed to make it particularly narrow so that it was noticeably different from where she started… Her nose too, it could stand to be smaller. She already had good eyelashes, so those needed to be lengthened significantly to make them look different. She narrowed her eyelashes, smoothed her already smooth skin, plumped her lips, all individual pieces that didn’t seem to make that much of a difference on their own, which caused her to push them just a little bit further.

The result was that every part of her face was pushed too far, and when Zelda was done, she looked positively doll-like. She had perfect skin, a tiny button nose, thick, pillowy lips that dominated her face, incredibly high cheekbones and a chin you could poke your eye out on. She was beautiful, maybe too beautiful, a bombshell that fluttered eyelashes thicker than any mascara could have created at her own reflection and giggled. Perfect! She had been a little worried that she’d just look like herself but cuter, but now she was gorgeous and unrecognisable! Although, Zelda narrowed her huge doe-like eyes and thought to herself that she still had her characteristically pale, porcelain skin. Obviously she needed to distance herself from that! With another quick touch, a heavy tan spread out from her fingerprint to the rest of her face, then the rest of her body, giving her deep bronze skin that made her look like she spent most of her days at the beach.

Of course, Zelda knew that changing just her face wasn’t enough, she’d have to make her figure different too! And she was known for her slender, dainty body, maybe a little too slender. She’d always wished she’d been a bit curvier, and given the choice between that and trying to be different by making herself flatter, the path forward was obvious! Zelda casually tapped her magical finger to her chest, looking down as her now deeply bronzed breasts inflated like balloons. A little more, she thought as they hit DD-cups, then E-cups, a little more… A lifetime of envy of bustier women caused her to keep her finger on for just a little longer, just another few seconds, until Zelda was left with colossal H-cups that were approaching the size of her beautiful head. Perfect, she thought with a broad grin as she cupped and groped herself, this was very clearly completely different from how she was before, so clearly she had made the best choice! And naturally, she needed the hips to match… She placed her hands on her hips and felt her hands be pushed apart until she had huge hips and a bubble butt to match. Of course, she thought as she saw her new thighs bulge through her skirt, she couldn’t just make everything bigger. That was why she placed her hands on her waist and let it cinch in, exaggerating her new hourglass even further.

Zelda wasn’t exactly wrong in her assumption that she had made herself unrecognisable. Were it not for her dress that was now splitting at the seams, unable to contain her curvaceous new figure, she it would have been hard to pin her as the princess of Hyrule herself. She looked more like somebody you would find in a back alley offering her services, and might occasionally be complimented by saying she looked a little like Princess Zelda…

Although she was happy with her hairstyle, Zelda knew that her royal accessories and regal arrangement had to go. She removed her tiara and with reluctance the rest of her jewelry, letting her hair fall down in simple waves while brushing it back so that her forehead was bare, no bangs threatening to fall down and obscure any of her stunning features. She was reluctant to let her blonde hair go, and didn’t think that she’d look good as a brunette or a redhead, nor with black hair. She decided to compromise by lightening her hair even more into a platinum blonde, satisfied with how much this yet again changed her image.

Finally, the dress had to go. It was about to explode off of her body, and was best morphed into something that fit her properly. Zelda was getting a good feeling about opposites, and had worn long, dignified dresses her whole life. She had planned to wear a loose, baggy cloak over a formless dress back when she had that terrible idea to turn herself into an ugly middle-aged weirdo, but it would be such a waste to not show off her beautiful new body to the world. She decided that short was the opposite of long, and simple was the opposite of elaborate, turning her long dress into a tantalisingly short-skirted solid pink affair, with a low neck to show off her cleavage, no sleeves, and a skirt so tiny you could nearly see her panties. This was her backup plan, you see. If they were somehow able to figure out that she looked a little like Princess Zelda, then it was best to make them want to stare everywhere else instead! She was so smart she even impressed herself sometimes.

“Omigawd, I, look, perfect!” Zelda squealed at her reflection, totally unaware of just how whorish she looked, only concerned with being the hottest woman in Hyrule Castle Town. She was all ready to finally leave, to teleport herself to a back alley of Hyrule Castle Town and then make her escape to Kakariko, or perhaps stay there. He’d be expecting her to flee far away, so obviously it made more sense to stay in Hyrule Castle Town, where it was comfier and better for shopping anyway. In fact, she thought with a finger to her chin and a brainless look on her face, if he was expecting her to go far away, then it would be smartest to stay as close as possible, right under his nose! For a solid five minutes, Zelda seriously considered not going anywhere at all, staying in the castle instead. It would be the last thing he expected! She could pose as, uh, a maid!

But eventually she realised that this would be pushing her luck, and she didn’t want to share a castle with that guy anyway. She just wasn’t cut out for servant-work. And besides, it would ruin the point of making herself so gorgeous in the first place. If she couldn’t be a princess, then she should be treated like a princess! She would be so beautiful, so irresistible, that all of the boys would do whatever she wanted. She’d be so well known as the princess of Castle Town that nobody would suspect she was an actual princess!

Giggling stupidly and happily to herself at her brilliant plan, and after deciding to take a small bag of cosmetics and makeup with her, Zelda waved her hand one last time, teleporting down to the town to live out her new life…

—

“Line up!”



The king of evil and would-be conqueror of Hyrule, Ganondorf, descended from his enormous steed, his boots hitting the well-worn cobblestone of Hyrule Castle Town. A huddled group of terrified townspeople, flanked by squads of monstrous soldiers, nearly fell over themselves to do as he commanded. When Ganondorf had reached the castle without a hint of resistance, he hadn’t been remotely surprised to find that the princess had fled, and sent the Triforce of Wisdom far beyond his grasp. He hadn’t been bothered by this, as he was certain that even if she’d had the foresight to send it to some obscure corner of Hyrule, it wouldn’t take long for him to squeeze the location out of her. No doubt she’d attached it to some puzzle or test of purity, as there was no way she’d be stupid enough to teleport it away to some random location and be unable to easily retrieve it later.

Right next to the magical signature of the teleportation spell she’d used on the Triforce was another one for herself, one that he had been able to easily trace to Hyrule Castle Town with his own sorcerous skills. Perhaps she intended to travel only a short distance and then flee while his back was quite literally turned during his invasion of the castle, or equally likely she had disguised herself and planned to live right under his nose. Unfortunately for her, he smirked, he could see right through that plan, and had gathered up all of the likely townspeople, mostly women. He stood before them, arms crossed, radiating an aura that even the bravest amongst them cowered from.

“Princess Zelda has likely disguised herself amongst your ranks, a disguise that will be seen through in a moment! If you have nothing to fear, then stand forth and you will go unharmed!.” Ganondorf stated authoritatively, causing a number to immediately shuffle forward fearfully, eager to be cleared and go back to cowering in their homes.

Ganondorf separated them into groups, going by what his intuition told him was most likely to be her disguise. First he checked the men, as masquerading as the opposite gender was the most obvious disguise available. It would also be the most obvious to pick apart, as he doubted that a pampered lady like Zelda would be able to act convincingly male in such a short amount of time. He brushed them aside quickly, then moved onto the plain and unassuming middle-aged women and wisened crones. Zelda would probably think it clever to make herself somebody as unremarkable as possible, but it made it exceedingly obvious that the old lady who nobody seemed to know much about had something to hide. Conventional wisdom wouldn’t be enough to get past him.

To his surprise, he couldn’t find a disguised Zelda among them. No awkward mannerisms, no particular traces of a recently cast spell, nothing. He moved onto the least likely group, the young women close to her in age. He squinted at them, most on the verge of tears or otherwise panicking. His search was just as fruitless, although he found himself stopping on a particular woman, a garishly dressed woman in a bright pink dress with curves bigger than the most fertile Gerudo woman.

He found himself staring at her suspiciously, noting her obviously nervous body language and the beads of sweat forming on her forehead during her attempts to keep a completely straight face. While others had tried to remain composed, this particular wench was downright trying to smile, like she had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar and was trying to play it cool. Her eyes occasionally flickered downwards, as if she was attempting to lead his gaze to her bountiful cleavage instead of her face. It was a beautiful face for sure, but beautiful in a whorish way, like she was the flower of the red light district. With the way she looked and dressed, there was no doubt that she made her living as a harlot. With the vapid look in her eyes, he could tell that there was no way she was smart enough for anything else.

Still, he kept lingering on her for some reason. Was it simply the fact that she stuck out like a sore thumb in this lineup, demanding attention with her flashy appearance? His gut instinct was telling him that she somehow had something to do with Zelda, but his intelligence was telling him that there was no way that a refined princess like her who represented the dignity of the entire kingdom would reduce herself to such a whorish state.

“You’re all dismissed!” He eventually said with a snarl. The princess must have fled after all. The harlot let out an incredibly loud sigh, causing Ganondorf to snap back around to stare at her, at which point she froze, then slowly rose a hand and waved at him, giggling nervously. He turned away again. There was definitely no way Zelda could pull off looking as foolish as her…