WARNING: The following story is made for fans of modular/natural body magic/detachment/non-lethal dismemberment/etc. If you are not a member of that community, I strongly advise that you turn back now. Things will get freaky.
This story is my half of an art trade with the ever amazing AGuysRollnHead, one of the best purveyors of male focused beheading around! DEFINITELY check him out, if for no other reason than to see my request for him!
The story is divided into 5 distinct scenes. Scene 3, the longest one, was made in collaboration with the wonderful Quad2. Check him out, if you want more head focused content!
-
"Dropped out of college? No prior work experience? You listed 'my buddy Keith' as a reference, and you arrived to an interview wearing a shirt that says...?" She leaned over her desk, squinting at the faded green letters stamped on the ratty black shirt.
"I don't bite, unless you ask nice!" He boasted, stretching the hem to make the letters easier to parse, his own boyish face mirroring the winking smiley printed on his shirt.
She slumped in her chair, dumbstruck. "I must say, I've had a lot of interesting applicants for this job, but you're something else..."
"Doubtful." He said, leaning back and resting his hands on his belly. "I heard this company is circling the drain. Bleeding talent. I'd bet my left hand I'm the only one worth your time."
She shook her head. "If you really felt that way, why'd you apply?"
"I want resume filler, you want an IT specialist, our interests align." He said with a shrug. "You saw my sample project, and I dunno what I scored on that aptitude test, but I wager it was good."
"It... from what I was told, you did well." In truth, he'd wiped the floor with their test. A perfect score with half the timer remaining, exceptional results for a 10 year industry veteran, let alone a 20 year old dropout. She'd accuse him of cheating, had he not done the test on-site and on-camera. He was no doubt a prodigy, and infuriatingly he knew it. "But a good score is one thing; being a good fit for our company is another, and so far you're not selling yourself, Mr Quebec."
"Please, call me Leon." He said, raising a hand. "Likewise, can I call you Isabelle?"
"Ms Fernando, please." She said.
"Alright, how's this for selling myself: You need talent and you need it cheap. I got the talent, and my 'starting salary consummate with education and experience' isn't gonna be great. I accept that! But this?" He pointed both thumbs at his shoulders, framing his sickeningly smug face. "This is part of the package. If I'm gonna be working hard for bad pay at a crumbling corporate empire, I'm doing it my way. I'll still do what you say, I'm not insubordinate, I'm just not gonna bow and curtsy while I do it."
Ms Fernando rolled her eyes and sighed. So this is what the bottom of the barrel looked like? A spoiled brat with a dumb grin, grubby clothes, a tanned, lean, athletic figure he'd probably coasted on his whole life to compensate for his insufferable personality, and big brown puppy dog eyes set in the world's most punchable, cocky, cute face...
Honestly, it was a looker. In a grungy, roguish way.
"Leon, taking on unproven talent is a huge risk, even in ideal circumstances. Like it or not, you're going to have to earn my trust." She said, sitting up straight.
Leon flinched, a crack in his cocky shell. "Uh, OK? How?"
Ms Fernando put on the smile he'd dropped. "Follow me."
She stood and made for the door without looking back. Leon stared dumbly, and right as the door was about to close behind her he scrambled out of his seat, catching it just as the latch kissed the housing. Ms Fernando was already halfway down the hall, forcing Leon to jog a little to catch up. She stopped at a door marked "copy/print", giving Leon a smirk as she bent forward and unlocked it. Her pose, the way she bent over... it almost seemed like she enjoyed having her butt checked out. It was a nice butt, and Leon got another chance to appreciate its managerial shuffle as Ms Fernando led the way into the cavernously large copy room. Shaking himself out of his overactive imagination, Leon looked around at the eclectic mix of cutting edge hardware and fossils older than the dinosaurs. "Uh, something here you want me to fix?"
"In a sense." Ms Fernando shrugged. "It's your attitude that we need to fix."
"Heh, sorry. Like I said, that's part of the package." Leon said, relaxing a little.
"Well, I think with the right incentives you'll make the adjustments of your own accord." She said, leaning against a low counter and folding her arms under the massive cleavage barely contained by her business suit and thick bra.
"Oh, uh, what... what kind of incentives?" Leon asked, defensively crossing his arms over his belly and leaning against a half-ton printer that could've belonged to Moses. Soon he had to cross his legs too, even though he knew that there was no way this was going where he thought...
"I'll take that head."
"...Buh?"
"Your head." Ms Fernando pointed between his eyes, then brought her arm around and grabbed the handle of a nearby paper guillotine. "I want to take it off."
"You... OH!" He sighed, realizing what she meant. Realizing what she meant, he said "Wait...?"
"This is a state of the art Fujiwara N8 Model Safety-Slicer." She grandly gestured at the cherry red and pearl white piece of office equipment, more ornate than most fantasy swords let alone paper cutters. "It uses the latest in active spatial extrapolation tech to ensure it never causes injury, ideal for workplace safety!" She explained, resting her right hand under the blade and grabbing the handle with her left.
Leon made a panicked grunt and reached out impotently as Ms Fernando squeezed the handle and brought the blade down. With a soft flash of baby blue her hand was left on the board while a smoothed off wrist stump waved at Leon. Soon her freed hand had crawled onto the back of the cutting arm, holding up two fingers in victory, before its own picked it up and stroked it like a beloved pet with her wrist stump. "Now, Spatial extrapolation has a few quirks; anything cut is unharmed, but it's still severed. I can't feel or control this little girl." The hand twisted and hopped like a spider, latching onto the nearest tit and squeezing. "C-case and, uh, point!" She stammered, pressing her wrist stump onto the hand's. "Reattaching restores a single stream of consciousness, but split up we have distinct minds. There's been some psychology papers written about it, but frankly they're so dense and jargon-y I stopped reading halfway through. Something about identical memories but different biochemistry."
"And you want to cut off my head with this?" Leon asked, rubbing his neck nervously and staring at the paper guillotine ready to graduate to the real deal.
"It can hardly worsen your attitude." Ms Fernando teased. "And I think your head would look rather fetching perched on my desk."
"W-what? Shouldn't I get to keep it? It's me!" Leon argued.
"Your body can do your job just as well without you. None of your intelligence or senses are lost." She said, pausing as she considered something. "I'll be candid, our company isn't in top shape. 'Circling the drain', as you put it, was a bit dramatic, but we need a quick turnaround. The first step is rebuilding our image as dedicated, confident, powerful professionals, and... well, it's a bit medieval, but I think a severed head resting on my desk would be... evocative."
"I guess." Leon said, nodding. Despite his best efforts, his slim and fashionably weathered jeans tightened. Something about it intrigued him, though he had no idea why. "So, uh, how'd it work logistically? Like, do I get my head back at the end of each day? Do I need to get it cut off each morning? Do I get two salaries? Do I-"
"We can talk specifics later." Ms Fernando said, bringing the blade up. "For now, I want you to put your neck on the line. We expect nothing less at Golden Aegis Insurance."
"Right... right." Leon said, grimacing. "I've heard of hazing rituals, but this?" he gulped, and stepped up to the cutter. He lowered his head to the table, resting his cheek on the smooth metal board. It was a bit cold, but that wasn't why he was shivering. He looked up at Ms Fernando, the short woman towering over him and grabbing the blade with the firm hand of a superior. There was no question that she was really gonna do it, only how long she would savor th
CHOP!
Leon hissed, the decapitation not quite painful but unpleasant as an intense tingling sensation like his whole body had fallen asleep at once overtook him. It was almost a relief when, a few seconds later, he felt nothing.
Nothing. Leon tried to turn his neck, only to feel it squirm without so much as nudging him. He could feel the cutter resting against his skin, but this skin was alien. He'd never had skin there before, he'd had an esophagus, a larynx, parts he didn't know the names of; internals. Now, just skin.
Warm fingers wormed their way between his cheek and the board, and another set rested on his ear. He felt the hands briefly strain to lift him, underestimating his weight, and then he was brought up and turned around to face his own empty shoulders with just a slight ridge of a stump poking out from his t-shirt. "Wow, my hands feel... a lot more feminine, when I can't feel them." He said, believing he'd been picked up by Ms Fernando. Instead, the older woman was on tippy toes peering over his smooth neck stump, studying his reconfigured inner neck before looking up at him.
"You're hired."
-
"I know I'm just the IT guy, so maybe it's not my place to critique company finances, but I'm curious how much a sci-fi paper cutter costs. Like, how much paper needs to be cut for it to pay for itself?"
"Firstly, Mr Quebec is our IT person. You, Leon, are..." Ms Fernando paused, toying with his hair. It'd gotten a bit long, maybe time to take him to a barber? Then again, more hair meant more to play with; fiddling with it while she thought, stroking it like a cat during boring meetings, it was a surprisingly therapeutic fidget toy. Stopped her incessant pen clicking anyway, though the jury was still out on whether clients and coworkers found this more or less distracting.
"Your mascot?" Leon piped in, bringing her back to the present moment. That's something else Leon was good for, keeping her focused.
"Let's go with that." She said, giving him a good pat. "And as my mascot, you have even less standing than an IT person to question our finances."
"Fair. Can't do much standing like this." Leon joked, getting spun around for a flick on the nose before being turned back to the door. He could see she was suppressing a smile, making him giggle impishly. He rarely saw her like this in the office, not least of which because he spent most of the day facing guests opposite her, watching them squirm and try to avoid eye contact with him while he silently judged them and flashed an occasional funny face. They seemed so timid and jumpy watching her rap her blood red nails on the severed head's scalp, an evocative sight indeed.
Leon wasn't the only one happy to be here. Mr Quebec slid through the open door and casually sprinted for Ms Fernando's desk, setting down a heavy set of folders and a hard drive before pivoting back to the door. It was obvious why he was in such a rush, especially from Leon's lowered perspective. He was rock hard!
"Mr Quebec, could you sit a moment while I go over these? I may have questions." His boss ordered, sounding entirely professional, even if she was totally fucking with him. She seemed to get a kick out his headless body sharing her bodiless hand's increased libido, and even Leon had to admit that watching his body awkwardly shuffle and squat and scoot itself unnaturally into his seat was really funny. Leon raised his brows and licked his lips, his body giving a quick middle finger that Ms Fernando pretended not to see. "Hmm... more server activity, but greater bandwidth. A lot greater. And no service outages?"
"Told you I was good." Leon said, taking pride in his work. "Efficiency is my middle name."
"Last name." Ms Fernando teased. "Which would make you, Mr Efficiency Quebec." She said, addressing his body. "First time anyone's ever called Quebec efficient!" They all laughed, Leon's body shaking in a way he recognized as his nervous, overcompensating laugh, even without a voice to make it. He didn't know diddly about Canada, and he couldn't be certain Ms Fernando did either. After a few minutes, and only one question, she set the folder aside and plugged in the hard drive. "Thank you, Mr Quebec, I think that's everything. You may return to your desk."
Leon's body gave a thumbs up, and continued to sit for a few more seconds trying to will its half chub down. Failing that, he simply rolled sideways out of his chair in a half crouch and made for the door, limping in discomfort as he speed-walked back to his cubicle.
"Hey, did those spatial extrapolation psychology papers you mentioned say anything about bodies acting... erratic?" Leon asked, toeing the line with his teasing.
"Maybe." Ms Fernando said, chewing softly on her pen as she went over the reports. "Didn't read that far. So long as he keeps working hard, I don't mind."
"Oh, I will." Leon giggled.
-
“Quiet, everyone, the show’s about to start!” Said the sharp dressed woman struggling to operate a DVD player.
“Bout fuckin’ time…” Grumbled a young looking head on a cushy chair.
“MIMI! Language!” Snapped the matronly blue haired head on the nearby table.
“You're not my mom!” The young head refuted.
“Now now, play nice… ah, got it!” the older woman near the DVD player said.
The main menu was replaced with a touched up panoramic shot of the Golden Aegis Insurance Company HQ, distracting skyscrapers and unflattering graffiti edited out as a young and ambiguously accented woman narrates “With Golden Aegis’ personal injury insurance, you don't have to worry your pretty little head about what life throws at you!”
There’s a cheap looking CGI zoom in on the front door, the view shifting to a close up of a slightly embarrassed, roughed up, cute looking guy’s head resting on the slick reception desk. Healed cuts, scrapes, and bandages criss-cross his face, and after a text box pops up and names him ‘Neil’, he sheepishly explains “I’m a bit of a thrill seeker; mountain biking, snowboarding, hang gliding, whatever gets the blood pumping! Sometimes, though, I get in a little over my head.”
Cut to Neil speeding past the warning sign of a long abandoned bike trail deep in the woods, laughing maniacally as he flew down the path. Neil whips around a blind corner and his laughter is abruptly cut short, along with his neck, as he slams face first into an overgrown branch. His body tumbles off the path and down an embankment, leaving his head in the dirt with half his teeth broken or missing.
Cut back to the reception desk, where Neil clicks together a perfect set of pearly whites. “But even if I get a little careless, I'll still be smiling with Golden Aegis!”
“And it’s not just for idiots!” Neil gasps in affront, glancing left as the camera pans to a bright blue haired woman's head, younger than her matronly voice suggested. A text box labels her ‘Marina’, and she explains with a smug smirk “I’m a cautious, responsible, rule-abiding woman. I don’t smoke, don’t party, and my idea of an ‘adventure’ is a thousand piece puzzle and a” she scans the room like she’s afraid someone will overhear her whisper “a soda pop!”
“But-!” Neil indignantly calls off camera.
Marina scowls. “But, even if you’re a good girl, not everyone is so level headed.”
Cut to Marina waiting at a crosswalk for the walk sign, checking both ways for traffic, and crossing only when she’s sure no cars are coming. At a nearby bus stop, an overeager football fan roars at his tablet, his team fumbling. Enraged at their blunder, he throws his device with all his might, the expensive electronic spinning through the air like a saw and slicing clean through Marina’s neck, her head cracking off the pavement and her body limply collapsing.
Cut back to Marina’s head, blowing a lock of hair away to reveal a fat purple bruise. “But, if an idiot loses his head, or I lose mine, Golden Aegis is there for me!”
“And it’s not just for old people!” A chipper girl's voice chimed in, Neil and Marina balking as the camera pans to a head with twin-tailed, magenta dyed hair, filled with sparkling pink glitter and topped with a plastic tiara. Her fantasy princess aesthetic was a bit muted by the coating of dust, paint chips, and cobwebs covering her, and after coughing up a cloud and clearing her throat, the girl labeled ‘Minnie’ said “When mommy ordered my birthday cake, she was clear: No nuts! She told the baker, she says ‘NOOOooo nuts! My princess is allergic!’ And he says ‘OK! GOSH!’, but when the party comes, and I take a bite, guess what?”
“Nuts?” Neil and Marina ask in unison.
“It was nuts!” Minnie agreed. “The cake was cross-conternama… uh, cross containe… cross conita-”
“Cross Contaminated.” The narrator helpfully chimed in.
“Yeah, that!” Minnie agreed, smiling. “And so I take a bite, and…”
Cut to Minnie's birthday party, balloons, presents, and guests so numerous that her body was blocked from view. Taking the inaugural bite of her gigantic pink and white birthday cake, Minnie started coughing, then wheezing, then with a final momentous sneeze her head shot off her body and through the cheap popcorn panel ceiling, landing amid the wires and piping.
Cut back to Minnie’s head pouting on the desk. “I was stuck in that stupid dusty ceiling FOREVER! Icky spiders and rats EVERYWHERE, and and the other kids! They were screaming, running away, knocked my body over! Was just trying to find my head but they trampled me so bad I can’t go back on for months now and-” Minnie’s eyes well up, sniffling like she’s about to cry, and when the camera zooms out Neil and Marina are already bawling.
Zooming back in on Minnie, the little girl squeezes her eyes shut and takes a deep breath. “But, I guess it’s not so bad. I got good doctors fixing up my body, I've got a their-a-pest to-"
“Therapist” the narrator corrected.
"Yeah, that.” Minnie said, smiling weakly. “He's really nice. Makes me feel better. Safer. Without Golden Aegis, I wouldn't have that!"
“Golden Aegis’ personal injury insurance isn’t just best in class service, it’s affordable too!” says the narrator, the camera panning to the right end of the desk where a blond haired receptionist in smart glasses rests on her desk just like her clients. “Even if you're hurt, your wallet won’t be!”
A door to their right opened, and out walked their headless bodies! Unfortunately, without eyes to guide them, things quickly devolved into a comedy of errors, Neil and Marina’s bodies blindly knocking over magazines and potted plants as they felt around the room, while Minnie’s body tripped over its billowing princess dress and tried to stick a recycling basket to her thick neck brace.
“Allow me!” The receptionist said, standing up and revealing she'd just been resting her chin on the desk, her body still firmly attached. In a series of quick cuts, she got Marina and Neil back on their bodies, and Minnie back on her feet, slinging a stylish magenta purse over her shoulder and tucking her head inside so she could see around. The little girl beamed with joy, hugging the receptionist with strangely adult sized hands.
“Thank you, Golden Aegis Insurance!” The clients said in unison.
Credits played, the TV was shut off, the lights came back on, and the woman beside the TV was back in view, aiming akimbo finger guns at her crowd. “So? Is this ad campaign gonna be a hit or what?”
“Yeah, it’s brilliant, boss. Wish I’d thought of it.” Ms Fernando said, passive aggression biting into every word as she bit her tongue.
“Well, we can’t all be artists.” she said, winking at the only head given a nice seat to rest on. The one with not-so-coincidentally matching magenta hair and a striking resemblence to the older woman. “Isn't that right, princess?”
“Mom! Not in front of the…” The head paused, struggling to hide her elitism. “Mimi! Just Mimi!”
“Of course, my precious little artist!” the boss teased, striding over and pinching her cheek. A moment later her hand was slapped away by a tall, tattooed, headless woman’s body dressed in designer trashy punk garments. The mother scowled, rubbing her wounded hand “Hm. Whoever made these safely slicers really needs to look into this defect. Bodies lose their inhibitions is quite a glaring oversight!”
“Yeah.” Mimi halfheartedly agreed, happy her body had jumped in and happier still when it lowered a beer with a bendy straw to her lips.
“You know, it’s easy to forget you’re 22 when you’re all princessed up.” The blue haired head that had played Marina said, every instinct in her non-existent body urging her to swat the cup from the supposed little girl’s lips.
“Mom hired a good makeup artist.” Mimi muttered. While the makeup and childish hairdo did shave a few years off her appearance, she naturally looked young enough for every bartender to scrutinize her ID for a good minute before serving her. IF they served her. She thought having tats running from neck to toe and being nearly six feet tall was proof enough she was an adult, but that was a moot point now that she’d lost at least two feet.
“Heh, I think he should've worked on you too, Aqua! We were shooting an ad, not a horror movie!” Mimi teased, her body doubling over in silent laughter.
Aqua opened her mouth to snark back, when Leon butt in “Come on, let’s keep things professional.”
“Professional?!” Aqua demanded of the head resting in his superior's lap, Ms Fernando stroking him like a cat. “You think this stupid head-trophy thing you started is professional?”
“That was hardly my choice!” Leon said, his big puppy dog eyes widening defensively.
Aqua tried to stay mad, but her co-star was simply too cute to hate. “I know, I know, I just… I miss my body! I’m supposed to take care of people, now I’m the one that needs caring!”
“What are you talking about?” Leon asked.
“I got this job to raise some money for the orphanage I volunteer at.” Aqua explained. “I applied for a part-time secretary gig, and now I’m a full time decoration! I haven’t had a body under me since we started shooting these ads! If they weren't paying me and my body a salary each, I'd walk!”
“Yeah, double pay is pretty cool.” Leon said, closing his eyes in an implied shrug. “I mean, I barely buy anything these days. Not much a head needs. I’ve been saving almost every dime for the last… uh, how long have I been working here, Ms Fernando?”
She didn’t answer, her concentration consumed by Mimi and her mom’s bickering.
“Izzy?” Leon tried, knowing the risks.
“Hm?!” Ms Fernando snapped to attention. Her pet head wasn’t supposed to use her pet name outside on the clock, it broke commanding kayfabe. She would’ve scolded him, had she not turned him back to face her and seen his concern. “Oh, sorry. Just…”
“The boss makes you nervous?” Leon whispered, jerking his eyes at Mimi’s mom.
“N-no. Not nervous, just…” she paused, nervous of what she could say so close to her. “I mean, not JUST her, I’ve got ‘history’ with Mimi that…” she stopped again. While the mother-daughter business duo were engrossed in their conversation, all Ms Fernando dared say was “I’ll tell you later.”
The whispered conversation was soon drowned out by Mimi’s shouting and her body's stomping. “MOM! I told you I told you I have a party tonight! You said I could go after the stupid screening!”
“I know, but you’re just such an adorable little princess! So talented, too!” the mom squealed, eyes sparkling and saccharine “We just need a few photos for the online banner ads, the billboards, and the bus ads, that’s all! You can go to the party as soon as we get the shots!”
Mimi groaned “Moooom, that’s gonna take forever! You’re gonna make me do a million stupid takes!”
“Maybe.” She shrugged “But you agreed to this internship, you signed the contract, and so I’m not really asking you as your mother. I’m telling you, as your boss, that you’re doing this.”
“UGH!” Mimi huffed. “Can my body at least go?”
“Sure.” she agreed, clearly less attached to her daughter’s grungy, womanly body than her adorable girlish head.
Mimi’s body stomped her foot as her head was carried away, impulsively throwing back the rest of her booze only for it to pass through the space where her head wasn’t and drench her.
“Uh, will you be needing us for these ads?” Leon asked, just as the boss was about to leave.
“Oh right, you’re still here.” The boss said, looking over her shoulder. “We’ll schedule a shoot for you two another time. Mimi’s the only one on the docket tonight.”
She closed the door behind her, leaving 3 heads, 2 bodies, and 1 whole person in the meeting room. “So… now what?” Leon asked.
“Quitting time.” Isabelle said, checking the clock. It was about fifteen minutes 'til, but she was done with today. Tucking Leon into the crook of one arm, she asked Aqua “Need a lift to Mike’s office?”
“No, I’ll wait here. Maybe my body beats him down here and I can finally get back together again." Aqua mused.
“Now I know I’m not your supervisor, but per company policy you must ask his permission before you reattach.” Isabelle said. Suddenly, she felt a sticky hand slide between her boob and Leon’s head, Mimi’s body snagging and spinning him around over her neck. Seems she wanted a drinking buddy, or at least a mouth with which to drink. “AH!” Ms Fernando yapped, wrestling Leon’s stunned head back. “I’m his supervisor, and I've NOT given him attachment permission!”
Mimi stamped, pointing to a poster showing her mom’s smiling face and a bunch of company promises and goals, appealing to her power.
“Your mom might be CEO, but you’re just an intern and you don’t have authority over my employees!” Ms Fernando said, clutching Leon’s head more tightly to her chest. Mimi’s body flipped her off and stormed out, throwing a final middle finger to Aqua for no other reason than her head didn't seem to like her for some reason.
“Would’ve been cool to try on a woman’s body." Leon muttered with the intention of being heard "Or any body, really. I miss having legs. Hands. Stuff...”
Isabelle rolled her eyes, tucking him back under her arm. “Oh, hush. I’ll make it up to you. You can pick dinner AND what movie we’ll watch tonight!”
Leon cheered, Isabelle smiled at her own negotiating skills, and Aqua… “HEY!” she shouted, as the door shut behind Isabelle. “What am I, chopped liver?!”
-
"Relax, you're gonna kill this presentation!" Leon said, trying to force a smile on his face even if Ms Fernando couldn't see.
"I am relaxed!" Ms Fernando said, her face pressed against her monitor as she re-read her proposal letter by letter.
"Izzy, your nails are gonna puncture my brain if you squeeze any harder." Leon said, wincing.
"Don't call me-!" She spotted her white knuckles between his black locks. Sighing, she loosed her grip and stroked him softly. "Sorry, it's just... a lot's riding on this. I dig this branch out of a shallow grave and now the boss is just gonna throw it all away on her stupid vanity project. If I don't talk some sense into the board..."
"Then you get a job at a better company, easy-peasy!" he said, shrugging with his inflection.
"Easy for you to say. You've got the devil-may-care confidence of youth. Wait until you're a wizened old crone like me, see how your confidence is then." She teased, ruffling his freshly cut hair.
Leon rolled his eyes "Please, if I make it to forty and my butt looks as good as yours, I'll be swaggering into offices whipping my dick on the table."
Much to his relief, his boss took the raunchy joke in stride, crying with laughter and pounding her desk. When she could finally speak again, she wheezed "You're a ballsy fucker for a guy with no balls!" and they broke our cackling anew. When it finally died down, Ms Fernando rested her head on the table, struggling to catch her breath. "God, I really needed that. Thank you, Leon."
She scraped her head off the desk and glanced at her screen. Something was... off. Her computer had gone to sleep. It only did that after 15 minutes, and surely it hadn't been THAT long. She took the mouse and swiped it around.
Nothing.
She tapped on the keyboard. Nothing. She pressed the monitor's one button. Nothing. She looked at her PC. The cluster of operational lights were, in unison, blinking red. "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK?!" Ms Fernando squealed, grabbing her monitor and shaking it like she were trying to rouse a drunk.
"What's going on? What's wrong?" Leon asked, hearing commotion and seeing nothing.
"COMPUTER DEAD! COMPUTER DEAD! NOT WORKING SOMETHING WRONG OH MY CHRIST!" She heaved, clutching her chest.
"Izzy, calm down! Let me have a look, I'm sure I can-"
"YOU!" Ms Fernando blurted, scrambling for her phone "Please be here please be here please please please-" she repeated, her trembling hands dialing Mr Quebec's extension. It was 5:11pm on a Friday, what would she do if the IT specialist had already clocked out?
-CLICK- (tap tap tap) -CLICK-
Mr Quebec's phone was special. External callers would be fed through a phone tree directing them to various web pages and email addresses. There was only one possible route that would route the call to Leon Quebec, at which point Ms Fernando would have to answer her phone for him in a role reversal of boss and secretary. Internal calls were a lot simpler; Mr Quebec would see the caller ID, then pick up the phone and tap the table.
One tap was "I'm busy. Email me."
Two taps was "I'm busy, but I'll head over to your office at my next convenience."
Three taps was "On my way."
"Fuck I need a drink." Ms Fernando heaved, sinking into her seat.
"Don't worry, the cavalry's coming!" Leon assured her. A moment later, his ears perked up at the unmistakable sound of bubbles bursting inside a draining glass bottle. "Wait, you're actually drinking?"
The drinking continued for a long second, before a gulp and a response came. "Five o'clock's come and gone, I'm allowed!"
"Have you always had that in your desk?" He asked.
"Are you crazy? It was in my purse, and only the last few days. Need a cheeky sip to take the edge off." She confessed, screwing the cap back on and tucking the bottle in her bag.
"So the extra 'bathroom breaks'-" Leon started, before he was interrupted by a rhythmic series of knocks. It was the theme to his favorite sci-fi show, and by extension Mr Quebec's favorite.
"Are none of your concern." Ms Fernando said with finality, standing and striding past Leon's head, bumping his cheek with her hip. Her office door was rarely locked, but she'd wanted uninterrupted concentration to work on her presentation and had all but cloistered herself in her office for the last nine hours. Unlocking the door and flinging it wide, Ms Fernando wasted no time. "My computer died, I don't know when I last saved my presentation, and if you can't get it working in the next twenty minutes I'm throwing myself out the nearest window."
"I tried to tell her I could help. She wouldn't listen." Leon told Mr Quebec, the body giving a familiar 'I know, I know' wave to himself. Grabbing his head, he moved himself across the desk to spot the screen. Two heads are better than one after all, even if they knew the same stuff and one of them wasn't a head at all but the spatially displaced consciousness of a head that once was. As if touching her toys weren't enough, the body plopped down in Ms Fernando's seat like he owned the place, leaving her standing off to the side awkwardly as he got down to diagnosing.
Ms Fernando saw it. Mr Quebec saw it. Leon saw it. Dead silence. Then, Mr Quebec doubled over in his seat, slapping his knee, while Leon laughed hard enough for the both of them. Ms Fernando's cheeks lit up in a rosy pink blush, her hands nervously grabbing opposite elbows as she tried to get a word in over Leon's laughter. "ALRIGHT! I GET IT! I PANICKED! I'M UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE RIGHT NOW AND- STOP LAUGHING IT ISN'T FUNNY!" She shouted, though by the end of it even she was struggling not to join in.
"Software update complete." Read the screen. Her computer had simply gotten an automatic software update and rebooted itself.
Putting her back into it, Ms Fernando shoved the body in its wheelie office chair aside, hammering in her login credentials and two-factor authenticating herself. Everything was as she'd left it, the computer autosaving everything before restarting. All was right in the world.
So why'd she still feel so defeated?
Ms Fernando lowered herself to the floor, head slumped and legs splayed. "Fuck I'm exhausted."
"So take a break. You've been working yourself to death, and for what? So the boss and her brat can swoop in and steal all the credit like always?" Leon asked rhetorically, looking pitifully down on his boss, friend, and caretaker.
"I... I dunno. I need to finish this." Ms Fernando insisted, without lifting her head to face him.
"You need to take care of yourself. Like you've taken care of me." He said firmly. To accentuate his point, his body got up and put a soft hand on her shoulder, massaging her consolingly.
"Aw, you guys..." Ms Fernando said, hugging Mr Quebec tightly.
"Uh, thanks." Leon said, a bit taken aback. While he didn't want to kill the moment, he couldn't help but notice that with his body standing and hers seated, her arms were wrapped around his thighs and her cheek was pressed up against his crotch. His body clearly noticed, his hands uncomfortably sticking out at his sides like a cowboy ready to draw.
Ms Fernando noticed a stirring against her cheek, looking confused, then her embarrassed, then... impish? "Heh, always an eager helper, aren't you?"
"I, uh, sorry." Leon said, now his turn to turn red. "It's, y'know. The inhibitions thing."
"I'm sure it was." Ms Fernando said, nodding and by extension rubbing her cheek against his tightening trousers. "The first time."
"What?" Leon asked, blue screening.
"Maybe even the second. Perhaps the third." She went on, standing, never taking her skin off his body.
"You... and me?" Leon stammered, watching his body shrug and wrap its hands around her, squeezing that big plump butt that had first caught Leon's attention all those months ago. Seems now that the cat was out of the bag, Mr Quebec was just going to enjoy it.
"What can I say? You like cougars, I like strong silent type, our interests align." She teased, squeaking in delight as he squeezed her ass tight. "Day drinking could only do so much to relieve me. I needed a confidence booster. To feel... worthy. Wanted."
Leon looked jealously at his body, at her, at his body enjoying her. "Day dicking."
"One way to put it." Ms Fernando giggled, Leon's body laughing silently at his own head's joke. "Listen, I know this is a lot to take in-" the body's silent laugh got silent louder, and Ms Fernando gave him a quick but light knee to the groin to get him to silent grow-up. "I wanted to tell you sooner, but I didn't know how. I mean, you're as my best friend, and he's...my boy toy."
"Ah." Leon said, putting the pieces together. "So you and I aren't in the cards? I mean, me and you?"
"Not even him and I are 'in the cards', Leon." She explained, looking almost disgusted at the idea. "I'm not a 'relationship' woman. I like good friends and good dickings, nothing messy like love. That's what makes you and Mr Quebec the perfect duo for my emotional and physical needs. As-is."
Leon opened his mouth but couldn't find any words. What was he even supposed to say? He was getting friend-zoned by his own body, which in turn was just as a glorified dildo to her. It was insane, humiliating, objectifying, confusing...
"Can I watch?" Leon asked, his pleading puppy dog eyes putting in more work than ever before.
Whatever this mess was, it was hot.
She looked surprised for a brief moment, then seductively smiled. Standing on her tippy toes, she gave Mr Quebec a peck on the stump, the body's knees shaking with anticipation as she approached her desk. Taking Leon's blushing cheeks in her shaking hands, Ms Fernando moved him to middle of the desk and pushed him back to the very edge, then cleared away everything between them. Maintaining eye contact she undid her belt, dropped her trousers, folded them up and tucked them under Leon's stump, giving him just a little bit more height to peek at her bent over butt. She was about to remove her black panties when Mr Quebec shoved her face into her desk, causing her to gasp but not complain. The assertive body pulled her panties to her ankles, and when she scraped herself off the desk she gave Leon a friendly pat on the head and ruffle of the hair before resting her arms beneath her boobs, propping up her cleavage for the head to peak down while his body dug a condom out of Ms Fernando's purse. Despite being a pretty straight guy, so far as he had experienced, having not seen his own dick in months left Leon craning his stump of neck and flexing his jaw tight to peek over Ms Fernando's head and rump and catch a glimpse of his glans. She seemed to notice, and teasingly flexed her butt up high, blocking his view with hers.
Leon glared playfully, Ms Fernando giggled, and Mr Quebec took her flexing cheeks as an invitation. Ms Fernando grunted and moaned as he slid in, warmth and wetness filling her up.
"Which hole am I in?" Leon asked, trying to at least give himself a mental picture.
"Mph." Answered Ms Fernando. "Wouldn't you like to know?" Leon stuck his tongue out, nearly licking her lips they were so close, and the older woman said "How about this: guess right, and I'll give you a nice kiss for being a good sport. Just one guess, though. And just one kiss, too!"
"Hmm..." Leon hummed, studying her face. It didn't look too exerted, which made him think pink, but knowing himself he'd always wanted to try stink. But, if they'd done it a few times already, maybe he'd already tried before and thought it was overrated. He'd heard that a lot online, but then again what did those virgins know?
"Gonna have to press you. You're almost done." Ms Fernando said, making Leon squirm anew. Did she really feel him well enough to gauge his progress? Surely that meant pussy, it was way more sensitive, right? At least, he thought so. He'd never thought about what his own intestines felt like. Not unless he'd eaten some dodgy fish. He closed his eyes, remembering a quote from his favorite martial arts movie. Your eyes may deceive, but your ears ring true. He listened closely to the sounds of clapping cheeks, squelching, grunting, little pops of gas bubbles in a meaty vacuum... eugh, sex actually sounded pretty gross. He'd never actually, like, listened to it before. The two times he'd had it, when HE'D had it, he'd been too busy trying not to cum too fast. Now that that wasn't a factor, he realized it was a pretty raw and weird thing to hear.
He opened his eyes, and saw Ms Fernando's eyes go wide, grabbing her own head so tight her neatly tied ponytail split apart into a frizzy, knotted mess. She was enjoying this way too much.
"C, cunt, final answer." Leon announced, crossing his intangible fingers.
If this were a porno, that would've been the second they all came, including his head somehow. Instead, it went on for another minute or two, Ms Fernando cumming twice in total he guessed, though it was a lot harder to tell with ladies. He definitely knew when he came, a final fat slap and shakes so hard it made a few pens and papers slide off the table, before his body dropped away like a felled tree. If anyone was in the office below, or across the hall, they'd probably think Ms Fernando just died of a heart attack. Where there would be silence, Leon's ears were instead filled with Ms Fernando's hot breath rolling down his face and across his cheeks, his friend with benefits taking a few moments to compose herself.
"Soooo, did I win?" Leon asked, eagerly.
She nodded. "You sure did." She took two big steps back, her bare ass pressed against the floor to ceiling window of her office and her dripping cunt coming into full view. She waited for a few moments, giving Leon a nice show as she smudged the glass with her ass and spread her wetness out until her whole groin was glistening. She bit her cherry red lip, smiled, and asked "So, with your one kiss, which pair of lips would you prefer?"
-
Even though she'd poured everything into her work, everything she'd brought to work fit neatly in a single cardboard box. However poignant and depressing her lonely little box of personal effects was, at least it meant she only needed to make one trip.
"This is such bullshit." Leon muttered, his eyes just barely poking over the edge of the cardboard box.
"It's a fair cop." Ms Fernando said plainly, doing everything in her power to not make eye contact with the army of coworkers doing the same. When she and Leon were safely inside the elevator, alone, she sighed "It's not like I could refute their evidence. They..."
"Caught your ass in 4k?" Leon said, hoping to lighten the mood. Instead, the temperature in the elevator seemed to drop faster than its height. "Sorry."
She sighed. "You didn't do anything. I came onto you. And if you even think of making a joke out of that one I'm feeding this box to the trash compactor when I pass the loading dock."
"I... thanks. For taking the fall, I mean." Leon said, not sure what else he could say. When they'd brought Ms Fernando to HR and presented her with the photos from the parking lot showing her bare, sweaty ass pressed against the crystal clear window, with a ball of hair matching Leon's style and color pressed against her, they grilled Ms Fernando and Leon's like well done steaks. The pair were tight lipped, and neither mentioned his body's involvement. As such, while they considered treating Leon and Mr Quebec as a package, they didn't have any evidence to pin on the body and his services were too good to let him go without good reason, so they decided to keep him on under close scrutiny. This left Leon in Ms Fernando's care, and while he could still visit his old head and coworker, it had to be done outside of work. Leon was now banned from company premises.
Not that either minded much. As the elevator doors slid open, and the lobby doors came into view, Leon asked from his box "Onward and upward, Ms Fernando?"
"Something like that." She said, leaning down and kissing his messy hair "And it's Izzy, now."