“Ladies and Gentlemen!” Drake announced, the speakers of the auditorium allowing him to barely be heard over the cacophony of screams, “Last week, we tasked these assistants to create a show for us that tells a story. Today, not only will their magic skills be pushed to the limit, but their acting skills as well. And, as always, your task will be to watch and judge them.”
“Now, let’s make some magic!!!”
~~~
Jill
David was sitting down at a desk drinking what appeared to be a glass of whiskey. He was wearing ridiculously large glasses, and was reading the newspaper. “You called for me sir?” Jill said nervously as she entered the scene from a door at stage left.
“Ah yes McMillan! You’re just the girl I wanted to see,” David said, gruffly getting up, “I’m going to be away for the next couple of hours at an important business luncheon, and I have some chores that I need you to complete by four. Do you think you can handle it.”
“Yes sir!” a complete lack of confidence in the squirrelly voice she was doing.
“Excellent. Now, you see these two bookcases behind me?” David said, showing the two to Jill.
“Yes sir.”
“Well, It’s come to my attention that there have been multiple acts of corporate espionage going on in this office building. So, I have hidden the safe containing all of my important documents in behind one, and boobytrapped the other. While I’m away, I need you to pull out the file on our biggest donor from the one with the safe. You can clearly tell which one is the one with the safe, as the books spines are emerald green, and the one with the boobytraps are Paris green.”
“Okay…” Jill said, her voice loosing what little confidence it had as the audience could see that the two bookshelves had very similar looking color schemes.
“On an unrelated note,” David said, pulling out two pieces of papers from his desks, He also pulled out a ham sandwich, eating it and thus muddling his words a bit “I need you to fax the permit for our office building on the corner of South and Parks street to our corporate office so that they can approve it, and then I need you shred the permit for our office building on the corner of Southern Parks street so that corporate doesn’t know we approved of an office building there.” He finished eating his sandwich, “They’ll be most sore with me if they find out about it.”
“Alright sir…”
“Last thing before I go,” David held up a glass, a clear, odorless liquid floating inside, “This is a special formula the boys and I have been creating in the lab. It’s a special concoction that changes the very molecules of the human body to become more susceptible to changes from the environment. For instance, if you were to drink this and i started pulling on your arm, it would probably stretch out impossibly long. We only have one of these, and we forgot to write down the recipe, so I need you to look after it and make sure nothing happens to it.
“Yes sir…”
“And of course,” David put the glass of chemical on his desk, pulling out another glass of a clear, odorless liquid, “I am not a monster, so if you’re ever feeling thirsty, I made you this glass of water.”
“Thank you so much, sir…”
“Wonderful! Then, I’m off!” David said, grabbing a large coat from a coat rack and heading out the door on stage left, only to immediately walk back in. “Oh! Before I forget! I wanted to show you the most wonderful contraption that I picked up at a flea market.” David went back behind the desk, pulling out a lazy susan and placing both glasses on it, he gave it a hard spin, the two glasses blurring as they spin around and around. “They call it a lazy susan. It’s the most wonderful thing. I can’t wait to go home and show it to my wife.” David walked in front of Jill, clearly blocking her intense watching of the lazy susan, “And with that I really must be off. Thank you so much for doing this all for me McMillan,” David shook his hand, exiting stage left for real this time.
Left to her own devices, Jill said, “Boy, I sure am thirsty, better take a drink of that water Mr. Angel left me,” She went forward, grabbing what she hoped was the water, and swallowed it all.
She then walked over to the bookcase on the right, commenting, “If only David knew that I was colorblind.” She pulled on one of the books, and suddenly the whole bookcase collapsed on top of her, pushing flat to the ground.
From the office door, David, in a striped prison outfit and a black balaclava, walked over to the other bookcase, pulling on one of the books and revealing a small metal door. He laughed maniacally as he opened it, snatched the papers inside, and walked back out through the office door.
From the bookcase on the ground, Jill managed to wiggle her way out from the bottom, revealing herself to be completely flat. “Oh dear!” She said, “I must have accidentally drank that strange brew Mr. Angel was talking about. Oh, he isn’t going to like this.”
She somehow managed to stand up, her body seeming like it could flop over at any moment. She awkwardly moved herself to the desk with the two stacks of papers, and grabbed the top paper from the one on the left, sticking it in the fax machine. As she pressed the go button, she suddenly realized her mistake, as in addition to the paper being sent through, her hand was being pulled through. In a few short moments, Jill’s entire body had been processed through the fax machine, leaving her even more dazed than the bookcase falling on her had been. As she awkwardly stood up from the tray, she managed to hit the copy button, resulting in the printer printing out multiple copies of the scan of herself (although these were simply paper copies, not like her real flat body).
She grabbed the other piece of paper, feeding it into the shredder, and once again, not realizing her mistake before it was already too late. Her body was sliced to pieces as her body overfilled the shredder, causing it to explode the various slips of her body and the paper that was already in there all over the room. After a couple more seconds, a red phone with the label corporate began ringing incessantly.
It was after a few rings that David re-entered the scene. Seeing the complete disarray he found his office in, David screamed, “McMillan!” The curtains quickly closed, to much applause from the audience.
~~~
Saffron
A lone stage light fell down on the center of the stage, showing David and Saffron in what could best be described as ballerina gear. David was in a skintight black body suit, while Saffron had her hair up in an exquisite bun, and was wearing a white ballet dress with exquisite ruffles at waist level. The part of Dances of the Swans from Swan Lake where there is a duet between the two dancers began playing, and David and Saffron began working through the moves, effortlessly gliding across the stage as though they were floating on water. Their bodies wondrously playing off of each other, despite the apparent age gap between the two, David’s movements perfectly commenting Saffron’s every action.
After about thirty seconds of ballet dancing, David spun Saffron away, the spot light following her as her twirls flung her straight into Fernando. He was in an adorable little getup, with a pink mohawk and eyepatch on his head and a ripped jean vest acting as his only clothes. As he effortlessly caught Saffron, ending her twirling, the music changes dramatically, shifting in overall tone to a more electronic, upbeat tone. The bear began aggressively moving his body to the music. After a few seconds of doing this, Saffron laughed, joining in and following his movements, her hair coming undone in the process.
After about thirty seconds of this, David came over, grabbing Saffron (and the spotlight) away from the large pink bear. He took a moment to recompose himself, tying Saffron’s hair back into a bun in a single motion, and the two began dancing once again to the music of Swan Lake. Their body painted an elegant image of the romance the two characters within the ballet must have felt for one another.
Of course, Fernando wasn’t finished. About twenty seconds into David’s ballet with Saffron, he walked over, snatching Saffron out of the dance, and bringing her back over to his side. He began breakdancing this time, and after shrugging it off, Saffron began breakdancing along with him.
David had had enough. He marched over to where the two were dancing, and when Saffron was back to standing up, grabbed her arm and began trying to march her back over to his side. Fernando, seeing what he was doing, immediately grabbed her other side. The two had a tug of war over her body, the music shifting dramatically between the two styles depending on which side she was closest to.
After a few times of this routine, the two were stopped dead center, pulling as hard as they could, and with a squelch that could be heard throughout the auditorium, Saffron’s body split in two right down the middle.
David and Fernando looked at her in abject horror (well, at least as well as a giant, pink teddy bear could). Saffron, patted herself down with both halves, before giving a thumbs up, to both David and Fernando, who looked at each other and shrugged. They moved back to their half of the stage, their half of Saffron hopping along with them (allowing the audience to get a clear view at her division, which was purely skin colored).
The music started up once more, but this time it was a weird fusion of Fernando’s more aggressive techno music, and the graceful airy music of Swan Lake. The partners began dancing their respective style, and ended their dance at the exact same time.
The four bodies of the three people on stage moved to the center, and gave them a bow, as the two halves of Saffron stood next to each other, fusing back to a singular girl.
~~~
Interlude
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” David said, walking immediately back out on stage after performing with Saffron. The audience’s applause quickly dying down. “I have an important announcement to make.” The audience waited in baited breath.
“As of…” David looked down at his watch, “about two minutes ago, Isabella Paulette Angel was brought into the world by my lovely wife Amanda.” A screen lowered down, showing a live feed of David and Amanda. Isabella was in Amanda’s arms, the slightest wisps of hairs on her head as she held the cloth blanket around her. David gave a thumbs up to the audience.
“I’m going to be a Dad!” The applause in that moment was the loudest the room got all night.
~~~
Cammie
“Yes! Yes! This will be my greatest elixir ever!” David laughed maniacally. He had his hair standing up in various directions, and a set of instruments with strange colored, bubbling liquids within them. “I just need one last touch… Oh Henrieta!”
“Yeah Mr. Snyde?” Cammie said, coming in through stage left.
David walked around the table saying, “I need you to catch me a fair maiden so that I may complete my testing on her.”
“But Boss… Isn’t kidnapping innocent ladies… Evil?”
“Well of course it is, you twit! I’m an Evil scientist!” David said, laughing maniacally, “Now hop to it. Or I will do something evil to you.” “But Boss-“
“No Buts!”
Cammie, having heard enough of this tackled David, the various chemicals drenching the two, and a cloud of gas obscuring them from the audience. When the smoke began to clear, it was clear that only Cammie was left on stage. She stood up, and dusted herself off as best she could. “Woah. That was weird. I wonder where Mr. Snyde went-“
Before she could finish her question, her skin began to bubble, it’s asian hue turning more white as she gained height. Her black hair turning brown and thinning out, and strangely enough her clothes shifting from her standard assistant outfit to David’s tuxedo. “Gah! That stupid Henrieta Jackal. I knew I should have never hired her on as my assistant. She is far too nice. Gah-“
David’s body began bubbling, and before she knew it, Cammie was standing back on stage. “Oh no! We’re sharing the same body now! I have to do something! I can’t just let him roam around the city, free to do his wicked deeds… I’ve got it!” She rushed off stage, wheeling a rack with a large attached curtain. “This ought to be able to hold us.”
She tied herself up in the restraints, managing the flick the curtain to cover her up. Within moments, the curtain flicked away, revealing David trapped in her stead, “Really now, is this the best revenge that you have?” David chortled, the curtain magically flipping back before resetting, revealing Cammie, the chains and such disappeared completely.
“Gah. Okay. I need to think of something to split us apart, but also make sure he can’t esape…” Cammie waxed for a moment, before suddenly looking like she got an idea and writing something down.
As David shifted back into phase, he examined the note, “Ha! A plan to split us apart! Let’s see here… Yes. This might just be good enough to work.”
Over several phases in and out, David and Cammie worked together to construct a strange looking metal cabinet in the center of the room. On top of both sides of the contraption were large glass tubes “Excellent. This machine should be able to stabilize small quantities of our matter, and then use the matter of those small parts to turn us into stable, albeit smaller versions of ourselves,” David laughed, “It’s foolproof!”
But right before he was about to enter, he changed back to Cammie, who grinned at the audience, adding one last knob that read ‘% of user’ and moved it heavily towards the right tube. She got in, the machine began buzzing, Over the course of about thirty seconds, the tubes began to fill up with small, inch size balls of flesh in each of the two magician’s skin colors, although there seemed to be a much larger percentage of balls in Cammie’s hue than in David’s. Eventually, her tube was completely filled, while David’s barely reached up to a quarter of his.
Then, a light on the machine turned red, as all of the balls in Cammie’s tube fell back through, and from the machine stepped out Cammie, who looked mostly the same, but was actually a few inches shorter.
This was followed by David’s balls falling through the machine, and as soon as the door opened up, Cammie reached down and revealed to the crowd that David was only about a foot tall. “Hey! What happened!” David asked, squirming in Cammie’s comparatively massive hands.
“Don’t you know Mr. Snyde. Good always wins in the end!” And with that, she pulled off one of the glass tubes, placed him in, and put a lid with holes in it on top.
“No!” David cried out, as Cammie took a bow, basking in the appreciative audience’s applause.
~~~
“Let’s give another round of applause for David and his lovely assistants!” Drake said, managing to get out, “Oh, and by the way David. Congratulations!” Before the audience completely drowned him out.
Once they had died down, Drake continued his spiel, “Now, once again we begin the hardest part of our evening. For you see, it is up to you all watching at home to decide which of these beautiful assistants we need to send back home. Using your smart devices, click on the link below to vote off who you think performed the worst, or want to see kicked off the show for whatever reason. I want to wish all of our contestants the best of luck. Good night everybody!”
Sorry, Voting is Closed!
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& And Now, A Word From Our Sponsors &
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“Has this ever happened to you?” the voice over said as a black and white image of an old woman was played. She was reaching up for a bowl on a high shelf, but just as she was about to touch it, her arms fell off.
“Or what about this?” A similar black and white scene, this time with a guy who was spinning around in the backyard with his son. After a few twirls, his arms detached, sending the kid tumbling to the ground.
“Or what about this?” Another girl in black and white wasn’t looking where she was going, and slipped on a banana peel. As she hit the ground, her body parts disconnected, scattering all over the hallway.
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