“Oh wow! Is this where we’re going to be staying?” a blond woman said as she looked out the window of the stretch limousine she was riding in.
The castle stood roughly three stories tall and was surrounded on all sides by a twenty foot stone wall that encircled the compound. The large ornate gate was the only way to pass the barrier that separated the rest of the world from this little patch of luxury. The compound itself was roughly the size of a city block, and the few things in it other than the castle were a stretch of cobblestone road, a massive garden filled with strange and exotic plants, and a cobbled together mobile production studio that clashed with the overall western European aesthetic the place was going for.
As the limo pulled up to the front of the castle, the woman spotted a rather handsome looking man standing outside of the large, red, wooden door. He wore a pair of light beige khakis and a black button down shirt. His brown hair was gelled skyward, matching his overall air of superiority perfectly. As the limo slowed down, he approached the door that the woman was sitting by and held it open for her.
“Good morning Saffron, and welcome to Château de L’ange!”
“Oh my God! This is so cool!” Saffron said, accepting the man’s hand as she stepped out of the limousine. She straightened out her black knee-length skirt and neon yellow vest. Upon her head sat a black beret bearing the classic sun logo of the Smithsonian.
“You bet it is! This is where you and your five fellow contestants will be spending the next few weeks as you are trained by one of magic’s most famous showmen: David Angel! My name is Drake Bordignon and welcome to America’s Next Great Assistant!”
As Drake spoke these words, the camera’s cut to an overhead shot of the entire estate, as a voiceover of Drake began spouting some additional details on the castle. “Situated about an hour out from Hollywood, the Château de L’ange is where David Angel stays while not on tour. Drake had the castle custom built to match the castle his great grandfather had built nearly 400 years ago in France. Only a lucky few have ever been allowed past its mysterious gates, until today!”
The camera cut back to Saffron and Drake standing in front of the castle, where Drake confidently asked, "So Saffron, why don’t you introduce yourself to the audience at home?”
“Sure thing Drake!” Saffron said, giving a little curtsey before addressing the camera, “Hello everyone! My name is Saffron! I work as a tour guide for the Smithsonian in Washington DC and I’m going to be America’s Next Great Assistant!”
“That’s wonderful Saffron, and I think that’s our next assistant coming up the driveway now,” Drake said, pointing towards another stretch limo that was just pulling up the driveway.
Drake opened the door, and out stepped a beautiful looking Indian woman. She wore a red sari that matched the ruby bindi on her forehead. Her luscious dark brown hair reached all the way down to the small of her back. “Welcome Leela! I hope the flight wasn’t too bad?”
“Not at all dear,” Leela said, shaking Drake’s hand, “In fact, it was absolutely wonderful, although I am feeling a little jet-lagged. We won’t have to wait too long before we’re let, will we?”
“Hopefully not. Is there anything you want to tell to the audience at home?”
“Sure. I can’t speak to the talent of the other contestants, but I can tell you right now that I’m going to do my best to make sure you all have a real show to enjoy.”
“Alright then. Looks like another contestant is coming up the road,” Drake said.
Another limousine pulled up, and yet again Drake did his duty as host opening the door for the next contestant. Unlike with the other contestants, as the door was opened, dark smoke began to pour out of the door. A woman with skin as pale as snow stepped out, scowled and pulled out a black parasol. The parasol has a purple trim around the edge that went well with her purple and black dress. “Ugh. Did we have to pick somewhere so sunny to have this competition?” She asked.
“Good morning Ophelia. Once the competition has actually started you won’t have to spend any time outside unless you want to.”
“Excellent.” Ophelia said.
“Now, is there anything you want to say to the audience?”
“No.” Ophelia said, taking her place besides the other contestants who had arrived thus far. Leela stepped away slightly, while Saffron continued to giddily jump in place.
The next limousine arrived soon after Ophelia’s. Drake opened the door, and out walked a young looking Asian man in jeans and a white button down shirt. His hair was slightly overgrown, and he had rather soft facial features for a man. “Um… I’m sorry sir but I think you might have the wrong destination. This is for the set of America’s Next Great Assistant.”
“No, I’m in the right place, I’m Cameron,” the Asian man said, outstretching his hand to Drake.
“Oh! I’m so sorry! My mistake! You know… I just thought-“
“Yeah, I know. Usually assistants are girls. However, there are still some magicians who use men as their assistants. And that’s exactly why I’m here, to help prove that male assistants can be just as good as their female counterparts.”
“Very inspirational,” Drake said, doing his best to sound sincere, “now please join the other contestants while we wait for the last two contestants.” Cameron walked over to the other contestants, Saffron gave him a little wink, Ophelia scowled at him, and Leela checked her phone wondering how much longer this introduction was going to take.
Limousine number five pulled up to the same spot with little fanfare, and after Drake opened the door, a slightly older Korean woman walked out. She wore a modest blue dress that had a white collar and white accents around the edges. She shook drake’s hand with both her hands when he offered her a handshake. “Welcome Holli, how are you?”
“Oh, I’m doing fantastic. I hope you’re not too mad with me but I had the driver make a quick tour so I could say hello to the grandkids before the competition began.”
“Grandkids? You don’t look a day over 30,” Drake commented accurately. While she was clearly older than the other contestants, she was much younger than middle-age.
“That’s a long story dear. Just let it be known that looks can be deceiving,” she gave a sly wink to the camera when she delivered this line.
“Alright. Now we’re just waiting on the last contestant, and we’ll be good to finally begin the competition,” Drake said, clapping his hands together as Holli joined the other four contestants.
And wait they did, for over an hour, until finally at around an hour and a half after filming had started, a USPS truck drove up the driveway to the large castle. A man in a way too tight brown USPS uniform stepped out, carrying a medium sized package in one arm and a clipboard in the other. “Hello, I’m looking for whoever is in charge of the America’s Next Great Assistant production crew to sign for this package?”
“I guess I’m as good as any to sign,” Drake said, accepting the clipboard and signing for the package. As the USPS truck drove away, Drake pulled out a pocket knife and cut the tape holding down the top of the cardboard box, which has small punctures evenly spread across it. He opened the box, and lifted up and unfolded what appeared to be a paper cutout of a redheaded woman in a sporty green tank top, pink short shorts, and dark green tennis shoes.
He would have mistaken it for a paper cutout of a woman, if it wasn’t for the cutout starting to talk, “I’m so sorry I’m late!” she said, “I thought I had scheduled the delivery out to show up a day early, but it seems like I got my timing off.”
“Ah, so you must be Jill then,” Drake said, chuckling to himself at the absurdity of holding a living flat woman.
“Yep, that’s me. Could someone please unflatten me now?” Jill asked.
“Oh yeah. I’m afraid I have no affinity for this stuff so…” Drake said, holding out the flattened woman towards the other contestants.
“I got this!” Saffron said, jumping out of line and snatching Jill from Drake’s hands. She puckered her lips and gave Jill a long impassioned kiss. As they kiss, the flat outline of Jill slowly expanded, widening until Jill was finally her 3d, well-built self once again. As Saffron broke away from the kiss, Jill was left standing there, her cheeks almost as red as her hair. As Saffron returned in line with the others, she gave Jill a little wink.
“Alright then, looks like that’s everyone. Let’s get this show on the road!” Drake said, walking past the still blushing Jill and the other contestants towards the large red doors of the Château de L’ange. “I’ld like to officially welcome everyone to America’s Next Great Assistant!”
As he opened the door, a blinding light engulfed the contestants and the camera.