“No thank you, that why I hire professional writers.” Jim continued pressing the door on the man’s fingers, hoping he would get the idea.
“Trust me, it will only take a minute of your time.” The man managed to get enough force against the door to force it open.
“If you really want to give me these ideas, you should schedule an appointment like everyone else.” Jim spoke in his most authoritarian voice.
“Nah, don’t worry, It’ll take 15 minutes tops.” The man said, taking a seat opposite the desk. Jim looked at the man incredulously. “Go ahead and sit down, you’ll be more comfortable.” The man looked at Jim with pleading eyes.
Sighing, Jim made a mental note to remind Stacy to not let these kind of weirdos in. Sitting down behind his desk, Jim said, “You have 15 minutes.”
Pitch 1: Weight Loss Clinic
“Ugh, I’m so fat,” Trisha complained.
“I wouldn’t say you’re overweight, just plus-sized.” Brittany comforted.
“Well, of course you would say that, You’re practically a model.”
“Why don’t you just go and do something about your weight then if you’re so worried? You know that sort of thing starts with you.”
“It’s not the same thing. You know I love to eat.”
“So do I, but you don’t see me complaining about packing on the pounds because I make sure to work out and not eat just junk food.”
“Whatever.” Trisha sulked.
“Anyway, I’m going out, you want me to pick you up anything?”
“Nah.”
“Bye then.” Brittany closed the door, leaving Trisha and her 250 pounds alone in their shared apartment.
Trisha began flipping through channels, eventually ending on a channel she didn’t recognize. An interesting commercial began playing.
“Love food, but can’t seem to lose those disgusting pounds? Want to be the envy of your friends? Want to lose half of your weight? Come down to Strossenheim’s Clinic, off the coast of I-38 and King Street.” The commercial announced.
“Hmmm…” Trisha thought about the commercial. “Well… It wouldn’t hurt to check it out.” Getting up off the couch, Trisha grabbed her car keys and locked the door behind her.
Trisha arrived at the weight loss clinic. She was surprised in how unassuming and normal the building appeared, despite the bold claims their commercials seemed to promise. Walking inside, Trisha was greeted by a young, teenage girl, busily typing on her cellphone behind a large desk. “Hello?” Trisha asked.
The girl held up a single finger, still texting away on her cell phone. When she finally finished, she looked up and said a line that sounded as if the girl was sick of explaining it for the thousandth time. “Hello, and welcome to…” she sighed, “Strossenheim’s Clinic. I’m Elizabeth Strossenheim, how may I help you.”
Trisha looked astonished. “Are you the doctor?”
The girl laughed, “I wish. If I were this place would be packed non-stop. No, I’m his daughter. I’m guessing you want to make an appointment?”
Trisha looked at the girl relieved, “Yes please.”
“Well, our two o’clock for today just cancelled. If you want you can take their spot.”
Trisha was surprised, “Umm, sure.”
“Great, what process would you like?”
“Well, I heard you could cut my weight in half…”
“Really? Okay then,” Elizabeth said, suddenly sounding excited and closing her phone. “In that case, take a seat. I’ll go back and explain the switch to him.”
Trisha sat down in one of the five empty seat of the front office. She picked up the most recent edition of Time, which seems to just perpetually appear in all doctors offices across the nation. Eventually, two rolled around and Elizabeth came back out, leading Trisha into the back room with a large machine stood.
The machine was essentially a giant metal hoop with a metal table propped in the middle to hold the subject standing upright. “Isn’t that a bit much?” Trisha asked.
“It has to be.” Said an unseen male voice in a thick German accent. Turning around, Trisha was met with an man who looked to be in his late 60’s, his gray hair pushed out in a variety of different directions. “Now, you must be my two o’clock. Now, this may sound awkward, but would you please strip, wouldn’t want the machine to cut through your pretty clothes, eh?”
Trisha obliged, certain that most medical treatments required nudity in order to work anyway. When she was finished, Elizabeth assisted the elderly man to strap Trisha onto the table. She was instructed to lay face-up and spread eagle against the table, the back of her palms pressed against the metal. The straps were an extremely cheap leather that seemed to be replaceable.
“Now, Elizabeth and I will be going to the control room through the process. You won’t experience any pain… but I would recommend closing your eyes. This room can get pretty bright.” The two left the room, leaving Trisha to wonder how she could let herself get into this strange situation.
Moments after the two left, a humming began to emit from the machine, heading the doctor’s words, Trisha closed her eyes. From the wheel surrounding Trisha, spokes arose around the inner edge. The spokes suddenly lit up, shooting out an array of lasers that penetrated through Trisha’s body. The spokes began to spin around the wheel, slicing through Trisha and the leather restraints, but she remained firmly pressed against the table by some unknown force.
Eventually, the whirling died down, and the force seemed to be lifted off of Trisha’s body, causing her to fall forward onto the floor. This process left Trisha with extremely confused feelings, as she could still feel her back laying against the metal table.
The doctor and Elizabeth came down from the other room. Elizabeth kneeled down and assisted Trisha in standing, explaining that, “Don’t worry, you’ll get the handle moving in a while.” Trisha felt Elizabeth touch her in spots completely alien to her as she turned her around, causing her to view a grisly sight.
Standing against the machine stood what could only be the back half of Trisha, including her ankles, and the back of her head starting from behind her ears. “WHAT THE HELL!” She shrieked.
Ignoring her completely, the doctor pulled up a large basin and had begun to lay the body in a strange black liquid, which as it began to envelope it, Trisha began to lose feeling in her back half. Elizabeth began explaining what Trisha had just undergone. “Like you asked, this is our weight loss system. We remove the back half of your body, since it doesn’t hold any necessary organs… Well, except for the anus.”
“Which reminds me,” The doctor suddenly appeared behind Trisha, stabbing something into her new back. Trisha gasped in pain as she felt her organs and muscles rearrange. She felt a puckering where the doctor had injected her, and reaching behind felt the unmistakeable ridges of her anus. “That should help you move around easier. It allows the muscles at your joints to relax at will, so you’ll actually be able to use them properly.” The doctor got back to work, on the strange liquid once again, which had seemed to harden. He removed the block and got out a large blade and began cutting the block in half.
“Anyway… what Dad’s doing now is making a mold of your back half, so if you ever want it back, you can return to normal, but you’ll have to wait at least a month because it’s too dangerous to go through the process of reattachment while your body is recuperating from the machine.”
“Well… at least it’s reversible. What are you going to be doing with my back half in the meantime?”
“Dad melts it down and uses it for people who request additions. We do more than just weight loss, but when your business is called a clinic most people seem to think that’s the only thing it’s good for.”
“Okay, thanks for telling me I guess.”
“Also, don’t worry about your hair, that injection should have the back of your head back to your old length in about a week.”
The two walked out of the clinic, Trisha a little wobbly but getting used to not having her heels for support, and gave each other their final goodbyes. Trisha was excited for what Brittany would think of the new thin her.
“So that’s the gimmick? Instead of a Transverse (Horizontal) or Medial (Vertical) cut, you’re doing a frontal cut?”
“Essentially yah, but-“
“Do you know how expensive custom morphs are?”
“Of course, but-“
“Not to mention it seems less plausible than those cuts. I mean, you’re essentially asking us to believe that you could remove the spinal cord and the person would be completely fine.”
“But-“
“And what about the occipital lobe? Trisha would be completely blind.”
“But don’t you see! It’s something different! Your movies always revolve around the same 4 or 5 cuts.”
“They must certainly do not!”
“Oh yah?” The man challenged Jim, pulling up his hand and beginning to count off on his fingers. “Headless, in half, in half the other way, complete amputee, SWB, am I missing any?”
“They’re more nuanced than that-“
“Also, as for the believability. Your movies literally revolve around the impossible. How could my idea be any more expensive.”
“Look, I’m just going to tell you what the test audiences will. It’s too different and lacks the substance necessary to become a smash hit.”
The man looked annoyed, but suddenly brightened up, “Fine, I’ve still got ten minutes, and plenty of ideas.”
Pitch 2: A Different Kind of Snake
To say the snake was Laura’s favorite animal was a bit of an understatement. She had 3 pets snakes, all different varieties; had a handsome boyfriend who preferred the nickname Snake; loved any cheesy horror movies relating to snakes, particularly Sssssss; read many different stories of snake morphs available on the internet; and wrote a fake blog detailing her adventures as a Naga in the real world. She was, quite literally, obsessed with snakes. So, it only came natural that on that one day, she would finally be able to live her dream, although not in the way she imagined.
“Yo babe, I’m back, and you’ve got to see this sweet thing I bought.” Snake called out as he returned home from his work at the zoo.
“Sure.” Laura said, looking up from her biology book on snakes. She had read it many times before, understanding the subtle nuances that went into their movement.
Snake walked over to Laura brandishing a knife. “Watch this!” he said, pressing the knife firmly against his hand, he sliced through, causing his hand to fall into Laura’s lap. This, of course, elicited a scream from the young woman, however Snake quieted her down by showing that the knife allowed for the part to easily reattach, and even work while detached.
“Ooh. That’s really cool.”
“Yah.”
“Actually… This is really cool, and I have a great idea on how to use it.” She said, giving Snake an extremely seductive look.
“Really now?” Snake returned the seductive look, giving her a quick peck on the cheek.
“Yah, but I’ll need your help with it.” Laura said, snatching the knife out of Snake’s hand and beginning to move the coffee table out of the way so that she would have more room to work. “You’re going to help me finally live out my dreams of becoming a Naga.” She said with a wink.
“Now, I’ll do this first part by myself, but you’re going to need to help when I reach a certain point. Understand?”
“Yes ma’am.” Snake snickered.
Laura ignored him as she continued with her idea. First, she turned away from Snake and discreetly cut off her pussy and asshole, hiding them in her pants pocket as she undressed. “Wouldn’t want you to get too excited.” She said, winking at him. Next, she cut off both of her legs as close to the thigh as possible, and then cut at her waist, leaving a flat expanse of skin with each cut. She discarded her hips with her clothes, knowing she wouldn’t need them for what she had in mind. She cut through her knee exactly at the joint, and at her ankle, leaving part of the joint still attached to each section, but left her feet close by. Next, she measured the width of her thigh, and began whittling down her stomach so that it would taper into the thigh gradually. Eventually, she reached the right size, and attached her thigh to the end of her waist, and the other thigh (thankfully, Laura’s proportions remained pretty constant throughout each part) to the end of that thigh. “Okay, I need your help now.”
“Got it.” Laura instructed snake to cut her arms similarly to how she had her legs, and connect them in the order of, upper arms, lower legs, lower arms. Snake complied, loving the intimate moment he was having with his girlfriend. Eventually, the job was complete, and Laura told Snake to connect one of her hands to the end of her new “snake tail” so that she could still grab things. Snake did as he was told, and a little extra, as he grabbed her pussy and placed it roughly where it would be on a snake, and going the extra mile to split Laura’s tongue so it was two pronged.
“Now… Howsss about we take thisss to the bedroom.” She said, requesting Snake to carry what she would now keep as her default form.
“Okay, that’s ridiculous, and you clearly don’t know how snakes work.” “I do too! And it would be extremely interesting.”
“And why wouldn’t Laura just get Snake to cut up some anaconda or other large snake and use that if she really wanted to be a Naga that badly?”
“Because she was so excited that she wasn’t thinking clearly?”
“Look, you can continue to make excuses, but unless you’ve got something really amazing, I really suggest you leave with what little shred of dignity you still have with me.” Jim said, getting up to escort the man out of his office.
“Wait! I still have two minutes.”
Pitch 3: Detachable Organs (Graphic Warning)
There was once this girl name Stacy. She met a wizard. The wizard said, “Bada bing, Bada boom, you have detachable organs.”
“Are you even trying?” Jim asked.
“Hear me out. I’m just pressed for time, I’m skipping details!”
“Basically,” The wizard explained, “When you press your belly button, your front will open up like a door and you can remove whatever organs you please. While they’re detached, they’ll enter a dormant state, and you basically won’t have to worry about their function. So, take out your stomach and you won’t have to eat; taking out your small intestines means you can still eat, but won’t gain weight; taking out your large intestines/colon means you won’t have to go to the bathroom; taking out your lungs means you won’t have to breath; and taking out your heart basically means your body is invincible, but just to warn you, you won’t be able to heal either.” The wizard explained. “And, as an added bonus, if you press both your temples, the top of your head will detach, letting you take out your brain. Without your brain in, you’re body will basically run on auto-pilot, but I do have to warn you that you should probably get a friend to order your body to put its brain back in or you’ll miss out on a lot of life. Anyway have fun!” The wizard then disappeared in a puff of smoke.
“Okay, that’s it. You’ve had your fifteen minutes. Now get out!”
“But-“
“OUT!” Jim was sick of this man and his ideas. He just wanted to go home and sleep.
The man looked upset, but a smile suddenly broke across his face. “That’s fine. I’ll go. I know when I’m beat. But here’s my card. Call me if you need any more stories.” The man handed Jim a card.
“Great.” Jim said sarcastically, “Now go. Don’t worry about you calling us. We’ll call you.” As soon as the man left, Jim threw his card into the garbage can.
Jim waited a good ten minutes before finally daring to leave his office. He approached Stacy, whom was turned around at her desk fiddling with something. Jim began his tirade, “STACY! What have I told you about letting that sort of riffraff into my office? I can’t believe ho-”
Jim was cut short as Stacy turned around. The top of Stacy’s head was exposed, revealing she had no brain in currently, what must have been her brain was lying down on the floor behind her, still freshly oozing into the carpet. “Sorry boss” Stacy said robotically with almost no emotion in her voice, “I guess I just wasn’t thinking.”
Jim ran back into his office, pulling the card out of the trash can. It had the name “Michael the Magnificent” written across the top, and underneath his phone number. It also included what was apparently a quote of his listed underneath, “I only speak the truth.”
On the back, in pen read, “I’ll change everything back for another 15 minutes
”