“And so, my final score for the Meanie Babies is a 3 out of 10. The rude messages given by the bear-shaped dolls, and the overproduction caused these knockoffs to lose considerable value. Overall, they’re not fun to play with, and not worth anything to collectors, it’s mainly the nostalgia that gives these any points at all. So until next time, make sure to like, comment, and subscribe, and see you next week on WRTR.”

My name is Eric, I’m the creator of an up and coming vodcast (it’s like a podcast, but with video) called Wacky Retro Toy Reviews. It revolves around me reviewing weird, knockoff toys. I’ve done a few episodes, and our recent episode got around 1,000 downloads, but those who have watched it say that it deserves more.

Now begins the boring part of my job. The editing. The first 10 minutes are usually fine, but then I get bored out of my mind. After an hour of editing, I decided to take a break. From the front door, I heard my girlfriend call out, “Hey honey, I got the groceries.”

My girlfriend’s name is Jamie, she’s the loveliest redhead I’ve ever met, and the “creative consultant” on my show. We’ve been dating for about 2 years and have been living together for 3 months. Saying she’s an integral part of the show is an understatement. She typically helps me in finding the toys I’ll review, in testing the toys, in going over footage, in writing the review, in editing, and in responding to comments. Without her help, I’m sure that I wouldn’t be able to put out videos once a month, let alone do a weekly vodcast.

“Oh also,” Jamie said, “That toy we’ve been waiting for arrived in the mail today.”
“Really?” I asked, “but the post office said it wouldn’t be in until Monday at the earliest.”
“Well…” she said, “I got a bonus at work, so I paid the priority shipping so that we could play with it some more.”
“That’s great!” I said, reaching for the package.
“Nope!” Jamie said, pulling the package away from me before I could get it, “You know the rules, finish editing, and then we can play- … I mean test it.”
“But, come on!” I whined
“No buts, now get back in there and finish editing.”
“Okay, okay.”

Finally, after nearly 4 hours of mind-numbing boredom, I finished all of the editing, and set up my desktop to release it on Saturday. I grilled up some hamburgers for an early dinner, and then we began the unboxing process. First, we opened the mail box it came in, revealing the toy we had been waiting months to review.

“The Magic 9-ball. It’s one better than The Magic 8-ball! 2 FUN-ctions for your kids to enjoy! By holding the magic looking window upwards while you ask a yes-or-no question, then The Magic 9-ball will tell you the correct answer, even if it hasn’t happened yet! By holding the magic looking window downwards while you ask a yes-or-no question, the The Magic 9-ball enters random mode, and the answer it provides becomes the correct answer! Get one today!” _{*DISCLAIMER* Any dangers created by the magic 9-ball or those who are injured by its use is are at the fault of the user and not the toy.}

“Wow,” I said, “That’s some serious things to put on the back of a child’s toy.”
“Yah,” Jamie said, “I’ll go get downstairs set up so we can get the proper testing.”
“Okay.”

Jamie and I had set up a system for all of the testing for our show. Essentially, we split the testing into two parts. The first part, we test the product in a variety of ways, such as whether or not the product does what it advertises. The second part is my favorite, because we just get to play around with the toy. I then use the data to write a review and the next day I film it. We try to get the reviews out every Saturday, and so far we yet to miss a deadline.

“So, am I go first or are you?” I asked.
“Me, obviously,” she said, giving me a sly grin, “But let’s start by testing if this hunk of plastic can actually tell the truth.” She grabbed the ball out of my hands. Jamie was always more assertive when it came to testing the toys out. “Okay. Is my middle name Sheila?” She gave it a shake (with the window facing up, obviously), and the little dice inside rolled up with a ‘Yes’. She repeated this process 20 more times (she’s very meticulous), and every single time the dice rolled ‘yes’, even when she was manually trying to land it on no.
“Okay, my turn!” I grabbed the ball from her. “Did we have fish for dinner?” I gave it a hearty shake, and the dice landed on ‘No’ 15 consecutive times. “I think the truth part is accurate, but how are we going to test if it can predict the future?”
Of course, Jamie figured out a solution almost immediately. She pulled out a die we had lying around, and began questioning what number the dice would land on when she rolled it. Every single time the ball said it would land on a specific number, she would try her best to not land on it, but the die always would.
“So, I guess that’s confirmed,” I told her, “Now how about you and me test out that second option a bit more… personally?”

Yeah, I forgot to mention, most of the products we test on the show seem to have some supernatural element to them. Almost 7 out of every 10 toys we have ever tested thats promised some sort of magical promise, has been truly magical. That’s why I was so excited for this new toy, because it opened up a world of possibilities….

“Okay,” she said, giving me a sly grin, “but we should be careful. Magic 9-ball, do you alter memories when you change reality?” She gave it a shake, and it rolled up ‘Yes’.
“Cool! Think of all the consequence-free reality-altering we could do! It sounds too good to be true!” I exclaimed.
“Well, just in case, let me set up a fail-safe copy,” she said, getting up and moving over our spare laptop we left hooked up to the fail-safe.

The fail-safe was one of the first toys I had ever tested on the show… The Reset Button. When hooked up to a computer, you can install a preset and also cause it to save every so often (or manually), and keeps a recording of all the things that go on, including any multidimensional-related transformations. The only drawback we know of is that it only resets the state of objects in the room, but not the actual time, so we still have to keep track of time while using it. We’ve had it set up since day 1, and it’s been especially helpful in testing some of our more ‘dangerous’ toys. It’s saved my and Jamie’s lives on more than one occasion.

“Okay, first we should test something mundane and make sure it works.” Jamie sat down opposite me, pulling out our laptops to record time stamps for the reset button footage. We both kept a separate log so as not to freak out the reality-altered versions of ourselves.
“Sure.” I grabbed the ball, and shaking it upside down, asked, “Does Jamie have purple hair?” I flipped the ball right-side up, reading the ‘yes’ result on the ball.  Looking over, Jamie was now twiddling her purple, curly, hair between her thumb and forefinger.
“So you going to change something? Or am I going first?”
“Oh sure *snicker* you can go first, I’ll write it down,” I said, handing her the ball while I discreetly typed the time code and a note reading ‘altering reality seems to cause person to act as if no question asked’ into my laptop.
“Okay… _{Does Eric have 6 fingers?}”

“D’you ask the question yet?” I asked after Jamie had been laughing for a good minute.
“What? Oh yah. It seems that it can handle minor reality alterations very well, but we should probably test some more extreme stuff.” Jamie brought up a massive list of things she wanted to test on her computer and showed it to me. Things ranged from minute details of the atom to the expansion of multiple dimensions. We never really tested everything she wanted to test, but we still typically got enough data to satisfy the audience. “I also thought of a great idea,” she picked up the ball once again and shook it upside down, “Will you alter my and Eric’s memories when we alter reality” The ball landed on yes, but after restating the question, it landed on no. “Now we should be able to actually know when things change.”
“Okay,” I grasped the ball between my twelve fingers, “Magic 9-ball, is Jamie a guy?”

Jamie stared down at her now fully masculine self. “Oh wow. This is weird.” her hands groped at her pants, feeling her strange new equipment. I couldn’t help letting out a guffaw as I stared at him. Her long, curly, purple hair was now nothing more than a purple buzz cut, while her business professional dress became a full-on business suit. She still had the earrings in her male ears.
“Interesting, but it’s my turn now.” She grabbed the 9-ball, and asked, “is Eric a female alien with gold skin, 4 arms, and 3 legs?” A wave of pleasure hit as my body was instantly morphed to the result of the little plastic dice within the toy. Jamie always took things to the next level when it came to our little play sessions. The sudden control of multiple limbs was not a new concept to me, but always took time to adjust to, so of course Jamie was laughing uncontrollably while writhed on the floor trying to establish a mental link to all my new limbs.

When I finally regained control, I looked down at my body. I still in my normal attire of my college hoody (go Scarecrows!), which was clearly restitched to hold my four arms (my normal pair and a pair that attached directly beneath my own), and a pair of jeans, with an additional pant leg in the middle to hold my middle leg, which staring down at my golden toes had a big toe in the center with 2 smaller toes on either side. I felt down my two crotches to discover a matching set of genitals, and of course, the boobs attached to my chest.
“Har har, very funny. Now give it back to me!” I lunged for the ball, but Jamie was faster and pulled it away.
“You know the rules, Erica, we have to keep changes until play time’s over or one of us gets hurt.” She playfully reminded me.
“You’re right… but I won’t enjoy this,” I whined, a hint of a smile forming on my lips.
“Anyway, we’ve still got a lot to test. We should see if conditional wishes count.”
“Like what?”
“Okay, Does Eric’s middle leg disappear and reappear every time he says the word ‘Constantinople’?” She shook the ball and gave me an expecting look.
“Fine. Constantinople” Suddenly, my center of balance shifted as my middle supporting leg disappeared underneath me. I was suddenly back to two legged, one crotch stance, with an empty pant leg awkwardly hanging between my normal, golden legs.
“Constantinople,” the second utterance caused another jerking reaction as my third leg rematerialized, bringing back the dual crotches and filling out the empty pant leg. “That’s pretty neat!”
“Okay, your turn, try something huge now.” Jamie handed me the ball, to which I already had an idea forming.
“Do all boys have no legs?”

Me and Jamie tended to avoid playing God with the entire universe (not well, but we try), so in an attempt to not get too attached to a potentially better world, we made various rules in setting up how we would use toys. These included the usual protections such as not removing a person from existence or killing people, but also things such as ‘no leaving the testing room’ and  ‘no resetting until play time is over’. The rules help keep us grounded in reality, and ensure we don’t abuse the toys too much.

Jamie fell on her back as she lost the support of both her legs. “Not cool!” she shouted, as I giggled like an alien schoolgirl. She wiggled on the floor until she pushed her back against the wall so that she could have some support while she sat. She pulled out her laptop, pulling up a wikipedia page describing the differences in anatomy between males and females. My question had altered the course of evolution such that females held a more dominant role as the caretakers of the leg-challenged males.
“Sorry honey. I didn’t realize changing an entire gender would rewrite history this much.”
“Well, at least we know this thing tries to establish a somewhat normal history when we do drastic changes, but this still doesn’t indicate an upper bounds. But give it to me! It’s my turn to get you back.” I gave her the ball, to which she queried “Do all humans have two heads?”
I closed my eyes expecting a sensory overload, when I heard an echoed “Oh shoot!” from where Jamie was sitting. I opened my eyes to realize that I still had only one head, while she now sat on her stumpless rear with two heads. “Oh yah! I’m not human anymore, you wished I were an alien!” I laughed harder than I had for the past month, which included the time Jamie had her head swapped with an incredibly rude stuffed polar bear.
“Uggh! This is so disorientating.” Her right head whined.
“I concur.” Her left head said.
“Wait. Do you have separate two consciousnesses or-“
“No, I’m controlling both, and let me tell you the double vision is not helping. Can you please undo this before I get a double headache?”
“I would… but you said yourself, we have to-“
“ERIC!”
“Fine! Fine! Does Jamie only have one head?”
Jamie’s number of heads halved as she breathed a deep sigh of relief. “Thanks, remind me to never do that again.” A quick internet search revealed that the human race was now definitely dicephalous (with the odd anatomical anomaly such as Jamie).
“We keep pushing, but I don’t think this thing has any limits. Should we reset and call it a day?” I asked.
“No! We still have the big one to test.” I threw the ball back to her, which she caught easily, and asked, “Will you bring back my sister to this room?”

One of the primary influences for this show was based upon a story that Jamie had told me about how, when she was only five years old, her parents had bought her an eraser as a gag christmas gift. ‘The ultimate Eraser’ was supposed to ‘help erase your biggest mistakes from all time and space’. Of course, in the eyes of a five year old who didn’t know any better, this was just a cool toy, until the day in which her elder sister, Lily, got on her nerves and, in a tantrum, she erased her existence from everyone but herself. To this day she’s been trying to find any way to bring her sister back, including trying to see if she can pull her out of another dimension.

The fact that nobody appeared indicated that even the most powerful toy we’ve ever came across had limits. “Not even from another dimension!” She shook it again. And again. And Again. In a fit of rage she threw the ball against the room, where it bounced and landed on the floor, completely intact. Jamie broke down into a fit of tears as she fell face forward onto the floor.
“Okay, I think that’s enough for today.” I walked over to the desk and pushed down on the reset button, restoring the universe to it proper orientation. Jamie immediately got up and headed to her room in tears.
In instances like this, I was always unsure how to act. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she seems to be so against the idea that nobody could believe her story that she tries dodging my questions or changing the subject. Of all the toys we’ve tested (nearly 50 at this point), the four or five that she thought could help have ended in failures, in which she then went crying into her room.
All I could do was what I normally did in these situations. I went back to the basement and started sending the data from our laptops and the reset button to my desktop. The process normally took an hour or two, which would usually be enough for Jamie to calm down, but knowing her she was just going to act like nothing happened and try to dodge my questions.
Now that the playing and majority of filming was done, it was time to start on the search for the next worthy nostalgic toy to review.

Oh well, such is the life of an internet critic

Magic 9-ball
Final Score: 9/10
Pros:
-  Seemingly infinite power
-  Conditional questions work
-  Great lie detector
Cons:
-  Can’t handle multidimensional issues
-  Gets kind of annoying if your reality-changing question doesn’t get the right answer
-  Unlimited power gets boring really quickly