“You say you've seen the photos and want to hear how I got in that predicament. The short answer is I was doing Gwen a favour and was a bit too gullible when she asked me to help out a bit more; if I had said 'No' at that point it could have been Cari-Anne in the photos; sometimes I'm too kind-hearted.
“Now you want the long answer; well, I'm not going to tell you without a large glass of good strong wine to sip to keep my voice going.”
Someone placed a large glass and poured in the red fluid until the glass was about half full (yes, I'm that kind of person) they began to stop pouring, so I allowed them to stop, then grabbed the bottle from them and placed it beside the glass, daring anyone to remove it and giving the impression that if anybody touched the bottle before I was finished with the tale they would have to imagine the end for themselves. I took a long sip from the glass and while the wine warmed me from inside, I told my tale.
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It all began early in December, when Gwen said that she was organising a Christmas party for her children's friends and asked if I would be available to help out. You know me, I said that I would help and then asked for more details. I was told that I would be looking after the food, so that the tykes did not overeat or start a food-fight. This seemed fair.
Days later my role in the organisation of the party had expanded to the point I needed to take notes in my diary. I was now also in charge of organising party games, first aid and keeping the contact details of the guests' parents, so that they could be called if their offspring wanted to go home early or had an emergency.
Two days before the party, Gwen called asking me to take on another duty. “I've booked a magic show, would you mind helping out?” she asked, knowing my past trouble with managing to say 'No'.
“I thought you said that the magic show that you had booked did not need any help, beyond someone to keep the kids in order during the performance; and weren't you doing that, while I'm supposed to be putting the leftover food into doggy-bags for the kids to take home, and save you the trouble of disposing of it all.”
“Yes, that was the plan, but you know my plans; they often get derailed by things that I have no control over.”
I refrained from commenting that they were equally often derailed by her poor planning, but instead asked, “So what happened?”
“Well, they rang up and said that the magician had gone down with something pretty serious and would not be able to come.”
“So, you haven't got a magic show. I hope you're getting a refund.”
“Not exactly. I asked if they knew of someone who could take their place at such short notice and they offered me an alternative. It sounded interesting and exciting, so I said 'Yes'.”
“So, don't keep me in suspense, what did you say 'Yes' to?”
“They described it as a do-it-yourself magic show. They deliver a large trailer that is the stage with everything set up and ready to go, all we'd have to do would be put in some earpieces, press play, and follow the instructions. The woman who phoned told me it is more Christmas themed than the magician I had hired and had more than just the head-chopper illusion as it's big illusions, and they would let me have it for half the price that the original magician charges.”
“So, what's the catch?”
“Well, if I'm going to be the magician, I will need an assistant and someone to keep the kids from wrecking the place if they get bored. With you me, and Cari-Anne as the only eligible adults, I thought I'd offer you the choice of being assistant to me or herding the rabble.”
“You already know that I don't want to be wrangling the kids, but I don't really want to be a magician's assistant, well maybe a professional magician's assistant, but your talking about it being me assisting you. How do I know it'll be safe? Maybe you should find someone else to help out; didn't you say you approached Jenna, but she could make it until about half way through, perhaps she can take on the role.”
“I already thought of that, but when I called she had made arrangements to go to the theatre with her boyfriend. Besides the suppliers told me that everything works automatically and is perfectly safe. You wouldn't need to give up any time to come and rehearse; they deliver the stage with everything ready to go; that's how confident they are that it can't go wrong.”
“Alright, you've worn me down. So what do I have to wear?”
“All provided and part of the show, so just come as you were going to anyway.”
Gwen hung up and I had failed to talk my way out of being her assistant in a magic show that neither of us had any idea about, other than secondhand promise of ease, impressiveness and safety.
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The day of the party arrived and before I had turned round twice it was time to go and help out. I was on greeting duty, while Cari-Anne was trying to keep the kids that had already arrived amused until the rest turned up, and Gwen was setting out the party food. As each set of kids came to the door, I took note of the contacts needed in case of emergency.
When the entire throng had got there I relieved Cari-Anne and attempted to amuse and tire the kids out with party games. Trying to keep control of a group of unruly kids is exhausting; I don't know how teachers do it. After an hour it was time to let the kids at the party food. There followed about half an hour of clearing up spills and defusing arguments about who got the last of a particular biscuit or cake.
Gwen came to me and Cari-Anne, telling me that it was time to prepare for the magic show, and Cari-Anne to look after the kids and herd them through to the garage in about ten minutes. Cari-Anne need to be assured that the garage would be warm enough.
Gwen took me by the hand, as if she thought I might make an escape attempt when I saw what we would be doing. The trailer that was our stage had been parked across the drive facing the garage doors, which were closed for now. We entered through a door on the end where the hitch was. Inside it was surprisingly light and warm. Inside the door there was a clipboard labelled 'Instructions' hanging on the wall next to a pair of ear pieces with boom mikes in a box. Gwen took down the board and read. “Welcome to the Magic 2000 Christmas themed do-it-yourself magic show. 1. place the earphones in your left ear with the microphone boom near your mouth. Red for magician - Green for assistant. 2. At show time press the play button on the side of the stage, next to the fire extinguisher. 3 Follow the instructions you are given through your earpiece and enjoy performing your own magic show. Tip: speak at a normal volume, but try to pretend your audience is a little deaf and speak clearly.”
“Those instructions seem a bit short for a magic show,” I commented.
“I expect that the detail will be relayed to us via the earpieces, once we press that play button.” She handed me the green earpiece and started settling the red one into her own ear. With earpieces in we went onto what seemed to be the performance area and saw some pieces of equipment that looked a little familiar, but neither of us could put a name to anything. The only thing we were sure of was the hoop with a cloth tube attached that sat centre stage; we guessed that it was for a costume change.
We heard a knock at the door, and Cari-Anne shouted that kids were in the garage and wanted to know what was next. Gwen called back, “Get back to the kids and we'll start the show in a minute or so.”
Gwen went to look through the curtained side of the trailer and returned, pulled out the garage remote, quickly pressed a button to open the garage and then pressed the start button for the show.
I heard in my ear, “Please, stand on the circle marked 'Assistant'!” I looked around and saw the circle and stepped into it. While this was happening, there was Christmas music playing. When both Gwen and I were both standing in our assigned circles, the curtains began to open and lights lit the stage. We could hear the cheers of the children.
“Stay still and quiet, while your magician introduces the show, then follow her instructions. You will be provided with extra instructions where necessary.” I stood there and watched while Gwen went on stage and welcomed the kids to the magic show. She was standing inside the hoop wearing the dress she had been wearing to host the party; basically a blue nearly ankle length dress that left her arms bare and her chest covered to the base of her neck. She told the audience that we would be doing stuff that would amaze them, but they should not try at home and joked that school might be a better place, because there was a nurse there.
I was called onto the stage once Gwen had told the kids that she needed an assistant and had got too many kids volunteering from the audience. My first duty was to lift the ring to above her head height, which was not easy as she is six inches taller than me, even without the aid of the heels she was wearing and I had on flats, for my own comfort.
Once I had achieved the feat of hiding Gwen from view, I tried to asked how long I had to hold it up, because the fabric was heavy red velvet. I was interrupted by the voice in my ear saying that I should lower the hoop back to the floor.
I lowered the hoop expecting, I don't know what, but definitely not what I saw. Gwen stood where she was when I raised the hoop, but the long blue was no longer there, it had been totally replaced by a shorter scarlet red dress with long sleeves and a deep sweetheart neckline, which would have shown a lot of cleavage, if the hem, cuffs and neckline had not been accented by white fur trim. The other accent was a broad black belt with a large golden buckle that did wonders for Gwen's waist. On her head sat a white-fur-trimmed conical red hat with its top flopped over to the back. The top flew out a bit as she did a pirouette to show off the costume.
“Tonight, I'm not boring Mrs Starkey, but I am Mrs Christmas.” She looked at me. For a moment I wondered if I had done something wrong, but the she said, “And as Mrs Christmas, I need a more Christmassy assistant.”
I shrugged, not knowing how to be more Christmassy than wearing the red-nosed reindeer on my sweater. Gwen obviously had some idea, probably provided by her earpiece; I hoped that she would have me stand inside the hoop for my costume change, but no such luck. She went to a piece of equipment and told me to come and help bring it forward.
The equipment was in essence a box with a pair of cylinders as one end and a handle on the back. It stood about mid-thigh-height to me above a low platform on casters. We followed the instructions to unhook the sides and turn the thing around to show that it was empty. Then Gwen told me to climb into the box, I was unsure that I wanted to do that, until I remembered that my first instruction was to do what I was told by the magician and only extra instructions would be given to me when needed. I assumed that I would get the addition instructions once I was in the box. I had to boost myself up to sit inside the box, because my knee length skirt was too tight to allow me to raise my foot high enough. “Sit in the box with your feet to the end with the rollers,” came the voice in my earpiece. I lifted my feet and turn to sit in the box, oriented correctly; this involved hunching down with my head near my knees because the box was not that tall or long to allow me to lie down or sit up straight. I felt a little claustrophobic when Gwen closed the side panels. The voice in my ear said something, but I felt that I missed it. If I think back I feel that it might have said 'slake', but that can't be right. Moments later Gwen re-opened the box, which was a relief, because the air in the box seemed a lot stuffier than it should have got in the time I was in there.
Gwen helped me down from the box and presented me to our audience of kids. I was at this point I noticed the change of outfit I had undergone. I guess I looked surprised that I was no longer in my jumper and knee-length red skirt.
After the show Cari-Anne told me that I was in the box for several minutes, not the tens of seconds I thought I had. Once I had been shut in, Gwen had turned the handle and the rollers turned, producing a sheet of paper showing a picture of me in my Christmassy sweater and skirt outfit. Gwen turned the box and opened the sides, showing that I was not in the box. She turned her attention to the poster of me and detached me from the rollers. That's the first picture Cari-Anne took: Gwen holding me up as a flattened poster. Gwen peeled away my costume to reveal another costume below, somehow adding a hat. She scrunched up the sheet of paper that had been the clothes I was wearing and tossed them into the backstage area, then fed the poster back into the rollers, closed the box and turned the handle backwards.
I was now wearing a long-sleeved tunic dress that reached the tops of my thighs over trousers that reached my ankles, all in a dark green and trimmed with bright red. My feet had soft green boots on and the hat on my head was a green version of Gwen's red hat.
Gwen introduced me as her 'elf assistant' and promptly told the audience of kids that I was too tall to be a proper elf. This led to the bringing forward of another cabinet, but this had side walls each six foot tall and front and back was empty. Gwen had me step into the cabinet, a feat that required me to slot my neck into a horizontal section at neck height. The voice in my ear told me to shuffle forward so that my toes poked out of a couple of holes in the rim at the bottom of the front. Meanwhile Gwen was behind the cabinet pulling down a roller blind to cover the rear and presumably give the appearance of preventing me from escaping in that direction. A more sure way of preventing my escape happened moments later, when Gwen slotted in a piece of board, which closed the front of the slot my neck occupied. I was not going to escape without sacrificing my ears; which lead me to wonder if the costume change in the wringer box had given me pointed elf-ears. I reached up to feel if I had pointed ears, but was prevented by the blind that Gwen was rolling down the front from the board that trapped my neck.
What happened next was strange, but not overwhelmingly so. I heard clicking noises while Gwen was out of sight and the side walls of the cabinet seemed to extend further upwards by about a foot. Then Gwen was asking the audience of kids whether she should do whatever she had done some more. The kids seemed to think that was a good idea. Gwen returned to the side and I heard more ratchet noises and the side walls grew another foot, until a clunk was heard.
“Is my elf short enough now?” Gwen asked, which led me to the realisation that I was shrinking rather than the cabinet growing. A glance down at the stage confirmed this; the floor seemed a lot closer than it usually was.
While I was considering whether it was a good thing to be half my usual height, Gwen was having a back-and-forth with our audience about if I was still too tall to be a proper elf; opinions in the audience differed, but the majority seemed to favour making me smaller.
Gwen went to the other side of the cabinet and more ratchet clicks were heard. The kids cheered, but I could not see or feel anything. Gwen stopped again after the same amount of cranking, to engage the audience in a short discussion, by loudest cheers, of whether she should continue. The consensus was that more cranking was needed; so it happened. The only change I saw was something came into view from below; it took me a while to realise that what I was seeing was the red pompoms on the upturned toes of my green elf boots. The kids seemed highly amused as the realisation that I had been shrunk down to a couple of feet tall crossed my face.
More discussion with audience followed, Gwen seemed to think that at my much reduced height I was not going to be much use as an assistant, even if I looked to be the right size to be an elf. Eventually Gwen, told the kids that if they agreed to let her bring me back to my normal size, she would make sure that they all got treats. Thus bribed, the kids cheered as the cranks on the sides of the cabinet were reversed and I was returned to previous height; during this I felt the relief from the discomfort that I had not felt from being compressed. When I was released I was bouncing with good feelings, rather than the negative attitude I might usually show on being put-upon.
“Now, we had better make good on our promise of treats for all.” I resisted the urge to point out that I had made no such promise. “You'll find a sack of sweet treats in the wings. Be a dear and go and fetch them.”
In deference to the voice in my ear, I put my thumbs to the sides of my head and spread my fingers and trotted into the wings with my pretend antlers. While I felt ridiculous, it felt good to hear the kids laugh at my antics.
I found the sack that seemed to contain Christmas themed chocolate shapes in bright foil wrappings and each had a loop of thread attached at what most people would judge to be the top. I could hear Gwen giving instructions to Cari-Anne and the kids about lining up and behaving to get their treats.
I returned to the stage carrying the red cloth sack with the treats in. “This won't do!” Gwen declared. “This isn't magical enough!” Gwen had a thought, most probably supplied by her earpiece. She took me by the shoulders and moved me to the centre of the stage and told me to “Stand there and don't move!” I stood where I was put and didn't move.
Behind me she lifted a large tube which she showed to be empty and then lowered it over me. I didn't struggle, but moved the sack of goodies closer to my body, because there was not much space inside. There was a moment when I wondered what was going to happen next, then the tube was lifted off me again. Cari-Anne took the next picture of me as a Christmas tree hung with treats on all my branches; you can tell it's me, because instead of a star or fairy at the top, there was my face.
The tree, me, was soon being mobbed by treat-hungry kids and it was not long before my boughs were bare of treats, but the strands of tinsel remained. Gwen shooed the last stragglers back into the warmth of the garage to watch the finale of the show.
The first thing to do was put the tube over my tree-form and return me to being a person again. My wish to be back in my normal clothes went unfulfilled, because I was back in the elf outfit, but I guess it could have been worse, although I shudder to imagine how.
I did not get much time to recover from being a tree. “I've had another idea, how to get my elf to be smaller, but still big enough to be useful.” The audience treated this as good news and cheered. I was a lot less sure that I was going to enjoy this.
The box Gwen brought forward was about Gwen's height, so a little taller than me, and a couple of inches wider than my shoulder width. I noticed the welded frame of square tubes and some additional stuff at the back that made no sense to me. From inside the open front Gwen picked a couple of panels, wide enough to cover the width of the cabinet, but only tall enough to cover a quarter of the height; each of these had a hole in. I was tasked with collecting the remaining three panels to empty the cabinet. Gwen was bringing something forward from the back of the stage, when she told me to get into the cabinet and face forward.
As I stepped into the front and turned to face the audience, I spotted what Gwen was bring forward; a rack from which hung several blades. “Are you sure this is safe?” I whispered.
“Of course it's safe. If you suffer even the slightest injury, you can sue them into next year.” this reassured me for a moment, until I remembered that next year was literally two weeks away.
While I thought about whether I should walk out or insist we swap roles for the remainder of the show, Gwen picked up and fitted a front panel to the bottom quarter of the cabinet and asked me to put my foot through the hole near the bottom. I had felt around with my toe to find the hole and stuck out the toe of a green boot adorned with a red pom-pom. The next panel up was fitted and an instruction to put my left hand through the hole near the top right of the panel issued. It took me a while to realise that Gwen was locating the hole from her side of the panel and the hole was near the top left from my increasingly confined point of view.
The next panel was attached to the front over my body and I had to put my right hand through the hole for it which was on the in the middle near the edge. The final panel boxed me in, but gave me a hole to show my face through.
I regretted looking out, even if the voice in my ear told me it was what I should be doing, because I saw Gwen pick out a blade from the rack and show how square and solid it was by slapping it with her hand. This blade was lined up with the bottom of the second panel up and without warning shoved into the cabinet, about lower thigh level; I can't be quite sure, because I didn't really feel anything. A second blade was inserted below it, presumably making a separate box from the rest containing my legs from lower thigh down, with the still twitching toe of my elf boot, moving on my command.
Gwen wasn't done. Then next pair of blades went through in the middle of the cabinet an inch or so above my left hand, yet my left hand still did what I intended it to; I was beginning to believe that there must be some real magic involved or maybe some illusion that was too advanced for me to grasp.
As Gwen approached with the next blade and began to line it up with my neck, I felt on the edge of panicking, but the voice in my ear was saying soothing things. As the blade went through I felt nothing physical, but terror mentally. The second blade also felt like nothing. I resigned myself to whatever would happen next.
Gwen pushed on the side of the second box up, which slid sideways out of the place it should be until she was leaning through the gap to hold it in place with minimal overlap above and below with one hand and operating a small bolt to hold it in place with the other. The section sticking out the side of the frame was being held up by some part of the mechanism at the back of the cabinet; don't ask me how.
She stood and took hold of a handle. She used the handle to pulled the third box of the column out of its place, then leaned over the box to throw another small bolt to hold it there relative to the top section of the distorted cabinet. She then fiddled with something on the frame and my point of view sank until the four section of the cabinet formed a diamond shape by touching at the corners, but leaving the centre empty.
All I could see was my booted toes in the bottom box, my left hand on the far end of the left box and my right hand at the far end of the right box, all viewed from where my face was showing in the front of the upper box. There was a massive hole in the middle that everyone could see through to the frames and sliders at the back the made the movement of the box sections possible, but did nothing to explain how I could have four parts showing from four separated boxes.
Gwen measured my lowered head against herself and said that I was the ideal height, for an elf. She collected the final panel that had been inside the cabinet at the start and clipped it over the empty space between my divided parts. There followed some adjustment of the attachment of the other panels, then the voice in my ear told me to step back as far the the limited depth of the cabinet allowed and then walk forward.
I tried the suggested manoeuvre, unclear what this was meant to achieve. When I bumped into the panels they fell away and clattered to the stage floor allowing me to step from the cabinet. It took me a couple of steps to figure out that I was no longer my usual five foot six, but something a little above four feet tall. I did not get any say when Gwen picking me up and sat me on her shoulder.
Gwen announced that there would be a pause in the show to get some jobs done before the kids went home, then there would be the finale of the show. Gwen took Cari-Anne into the house and left me in charge of the whole group of kids; some of them were taller than me. Fortunately, they were actually well behaved, especially when I reminded them that I was Mrs Christmas' elf and could get them on the 'naughty list' if they gave me too much trouble.
For the next ten to fifteen minutes we entertained ourselves, by getting the willing kids to sing songs or tell jokes (some of which I wouldn't dare tell, even in adult company).
Gwen and Cari-Anne returned with the news that the doggy-bags were ready. Cari-Anne looked disappointed that the kids had not pulled my shrunken body limb from limb.
Gwen announced that there was not time to saw me in half (the audience of children booed their disappointment), so all that was left to do was get me back to my usual size. To this end Gwen brought to the centre of the stage a cylindrical cabinet a little taller than my usual height and equipped with several vertical slots filled in with giant brushes that looked to me like giant draught-excluders. She had me stand on one side and hold a handle, then went to the other side, to take hold of a matching handle. She reached up to the top of the thing and undid something, which resulted in me feeling the weight of the cabinet. There was no way I was going to hold it up with my diminished weight and height, so I did the next best thing and tried to control its fall and not be under it when it landed. Gwen was doing the same, but with much less trouble.
With the two sides of the cabinet splayed across the stage, Gwen invited me to step up onto the round podium that had been revealed. She struggled to lift the side she had lowered. When it was upright she asked me to put my hand through the brush-lined slot so that I could hold it up while she lifted the other side. With my hand through the slot it seemed easier to hold up. Once the other side was back in place with me on the inside, she asked me to put my other hand through the slot there and hold it, while she latched the cabinet back together.
I heard the catch being put back and was about to bring my hands back inside the cabinet, when she said, “Leave your hands outside the cabinet and put your head through the slot in front of you!”
Knowing that the brushes were quite soft, I closed my eyes and pushed my head through, and got a cheer from the kids for my trouble. Gwen grabbed a hand and pulled it to the top of the cabinet, then took the other one to the bottom. Soon she had also moved my head to both the top and bottom of the slot it suck through. Despite having my hands stretched to more than my current wingspan and my head moved to places it should not have been I felt no discomfort, or much of anything other than mild embarrassment, especially when I saw Cari-Anne taking pictures with her phone.
Gwen's next move was to turn my head through 360 degrees; twice. “Now I want you to put a foot through the slot in the side!”
“I can't do that; I won't have anything holding me up,” I countered.
Instead of arguing she thrust a hand into the slot and took hold of my foot and pulled it out through the brushed slot. Before I could properly adjust to what had just happened, she was round the back of the cabinet and pulling my other foot out of the slot in the opposite side. I was soon being rearranged into just about every combination of level of my exposed limbs and head that could be achieved in a few minutes.
Gwen shouted, “Enough!” which quieted the audience that had been getting too excited making suggestions of how I should be distorted. “This thing is supposed to be getting my elf to her proper size.” I was definitely not that; my head was near the floor while both feet and hands were at the top.
Gwen moved my feet to the bottoms of their slots and then pushed them into the cabinet, My hands were moved to a little above the middle and my head to a little below the top. “Now, hold the cabinet shut until I'm ready!”
I took the strain as she released the catch. “Now release!” she shouted, once she had moved away. I let go and the sides fell away to show me still in my elf suit, but my normal size.
Gwen lead me in a bow and then the curtains began to close. She stepped forward to be in front of them, while pushing me backwards to be behind them. I heard her tell the kids that their parents would be here soon to pick them up and take them home. Gwen came through the curtain and we returned most of the stuff to where we had found it; the voices in our ears guiding us, until it told us where to find our clothes so that we could change back from being Mrs Christmas and her elf.
I was sent to help Cari-Anne keep the kids from wrecking the place and return them to their parents when they arrived.
One of the young girls tugged on my sleeve and asked, “Being a magical elf looked like fun; was it as much fun as it looked?”
“Being a magician assistant was quite fun, but I wish I had known what to expect,” I confided.
“I think I want to be a magician's assistant like you were.” She had hope in her eyes that I might be able to make this happen for her.
I read her name badge and said, “Well, Quinn, I hope you get your wish and become a famous magician's assistant. I will look out for you.” Then her mum arrived to take her home.