“Hi, Harold,” came the female voice, when he answered the phone.
“Um. Hello? Who is this?” He had not been expecting a phone call and was ready to hang up if it proved to be a telemarketer or some other scam.
“I'm Vanessa, you may not remember me, but I was at a magic show which you helped out at.”
“Who gave you my number?”
“Your brother Marvin. I hope that was alright.”
“I guess. So, what do you want?” There was a pause, then Harold added, “I hope I don't sound too rude, but people rarely call me unless they want something.”
“Um, well. I was volunteered for Marvin's knife throwing act, but I remember it was you that magically repaired the knife holes in my clothes before I got them back. At the time he said that you were as magical as him, but shier. And that if you had an assistant you might come out of your shell, or we could at least have some fun rehearsing.”
“That sounds like something my brother would say.”
“Well, I thought about it and came to the conclusion that why not get in touch and volunteer to be your assistant. I got the impression that you have no plans to perform publicly and I have no real desire to be part of a proper public magic show either. But if you want to have someone to rehearse with or try out some ideas on, I would be willing to come along and help in whatever way was possible. I don't know, maybe you were thinking of a trick you were developing for Marvin, but needed someone to test it on, before you felt confident to suggest it to him, I might be able to help. Or if you just want to muck about and do magic with someone in private, I'd be up for that too. Am I talking too much?”
“So, if I understand it correctly, you want to be a magician's assistant without having to perform in public; just for the fun?”
“I guess so. I don't want to pressure you into doing anything you don't want to, but I had fun being Marvin's target girl, despite being scared out of my wits at some points. If you would like to have someone to call an assistant, I think I would like to try for that role. If we get along as well as I think we will, we might take things further, but that's for the future, if there is one. You don't need to decide now, I can give you my number and you can call if you want to have an assistant.”
“Ok, I'll grab some paper so you can tell me your details and then I'll think about it and get back to you if I decide someone to rehearse with would be ok.”
Harold scribbled down a phone number and an e-mail address, then hung up.
----------
Several minutes later, the phone rang again. Harold lifted the receiver and listened. “Harold, I hope you don't mind, but I gave your number to a woman, from that private party we did a couple of months ago; the one who took part in the knife throwing act. She seems to have taken a remark I made about you being in need of an assistant seriously, enough to contact the organisers to get my number to get yours.”
“You're about ten minutes too late if your intent was to warn me, Marvin.”
“Sorry, if I'd known she was going to call straight away, I'd've been quicker, but she sounded like she was in two minds about it, so I waited 'til I'd finished answering my emails.”
“Ok. Apology accepted.”
“Soooo? How did it go?”
“How did what go? It was just a phone call; not a date with a room in a sex hotel pre-booked.”
“What she say? What did you say?”
“She said she would like to try out being my assistant, even if it doesn't lead to us becoming an act. She seemed to want to have some fun being a magician's assistant without the potential burden of needing to prepare for a performance.”
“Ok. And you said.”
“Nothing much; she did most of the talking, but I've got her contact details and I told her I would think about it.”
“And what are you going to DO about it?”
“What do you mean? Can't I think about it first?”
“If I know you, your idea of thinking about it is seeing how quickly you can lose whatever scrap of paper you wrote her details on.”
“That's not fair! If I didn't think it might be an idea, I wouldn't have written her details down in the first place; I'd have just said that I'm not interested.”
“So, you think it might be a good idea?”
“I don't know. She sounded enthusiastic, but not wanting to pressure me, so a bit of practice wouldn't hurt.”
“So, you're going to call her back? Right?”
“And say what?”
“That you'll give her a trial, to see how you get on. And then arrange a date that does not conflict my rehearsal times. If you want you can let me know, so I can look in on how you're doing and either pick up the pieces or say 'Well done,' and leave, depending on how things are going or have gone.”
“You think that would be ok?”
“You won't know unless you try. And if things are going well enough that you don't want me showing up, you can text me not to come; I won't be offended.”
----------
“Hello? Vanessa? It's Harold here.”
“I knew as soon as you said, 'Hello.' I recognised your voice; I just wasn't expecting to hear from you so soon.”
“My brother rang to warn me that he had given you my number and when I told him he was too late, he said I should get in touch before I had a chance to lose your contact details.”
“Ok, and that means?”
“It, kind of, means that I rang to check you were serious about rehearsals for fun and maybe experimentation? And if you were; to arrange a session to see how it goes.”
Harold held his phone away from his ear, when he heard a squeal from the other end of the line.
“Are you alright?” he asked when the outburst finished.
“Sorry, I'm a bit excited; that's all.” They had soon arranged a time and place to meet.
“Should I wear anything particular?” Vanessa asked.
“I don't know, I hadn't thought that far. I guess gym kit, shorts and a t-shirt, or a swimsuit or leotard, would be ok; just something that you can move in.”
“I've got all of those. How about I bring them in a bag and wear something more normal to meet up, then change into whatever you suggest when we get to the magic?”
“Great idea! I'll see you there.”
----------
Vanessa thought hard about what to wear to meet Harold at the cafe. She finally decided that a summer dress would be properly decent to meet with a man at a cafe, but also sufficiently quick to change out of when or if the need arose.
When she arrived at the cafe, about ten minutes early, Vanessa quickly spotted Harold sitting in a booth towards the back. “I'm sorry if I'm earlier than we said, but I didn't want to be late because traffic can be terrible on a Saturday,” she said.
“I had the same idea; I guess my traffic was even freer than yours.”
Vanessa ordered a coffee, the same as Harold had, and they sat for a few minutes drinking coffee and making small talk about the traffic and the pleasantness of the weather.
With the coffees finished, Vanessa said, “So how is this going to work? Do I leave my car where I parked it and you take me to wherever we will be rehearsing? Or do I follow your car to wherever that is?”
“I guess it'll be easiest if you follow me there. That way if you decide you need to leave for whatever reason, you don't need to ask me to give you a lift back to your car.”
They soon arrived at an anonymous industrial unit with four parking spaces out front. Harold parked closest to the door and went to the doorway in, while Vanessa parked in the next space. By the time she had reached the door, Harold was already inside switching on lights.
“So, what would you like to do?” called Harold from the maze of shelves and alcoves, when he heard Vanessa shutting the outer door having entered the well-lit empty space before the labyrinth of equipment began.
“I don't know aren't you the magician? I don't know what you've got, except what you showed at the show I went to. I remember a sawing in half trick with clear boxes and another one where a couple got into separate boxes and came out of the opposite boxes in each other clothes.”
“Yes, we've got those, but I didn't want plan too much, because I don't know what you consider to be fun. Marvin's previous assistant hated penetration effects; she said it made her itchy where the swords, or whatever, went through, but she really liked being cut into pieces.”
“There also the problem that I haven't ever done anything like this before; so don't know what I'll like unless I try it.”
“Ok, so the only magic you've ever experienced is being vanished from the knife throwing board to the back of the room; and if Marvin was doing his job properly, you probably didn't notice anything other than a sudden change of location.”
“I remember feeling a little bit of warmth, which I only remember because you don't expect to feel warmer when you're naked. I think I initially put it down to embarrassment, but it was all over.”
“That doesn't really decide what we should do with you, so might I suggest we try out some of the major types of illusion, so you have some knowledge how you feel about them. If we get as far as experimenting it would be mostly pointless experimenting in fields that you don't enjoy, because the aim is to have fun and that wouldn't be it.”
“So, the plan is you'll bring out some different types of illusion for me to try so I have some idea what I like and what I don't, right?”
“That just about sums it up. So have you brought a costume that bares your belly, then we can easily cover penetration, division and partial vanishing.”
“Ok. Where do I change?”
“It depends how shy you are, baring in mind that I've seen everything you've got, although most of the time your hands were in the way. So you can change where you stand, or behind the screen in the corner, or go into the office, or go into the toilets; the doors there are lockable. Oh yeah, I suppose I'd better warn you, that my brother will be dropping by at some point to check on us. I'm not sure what he thinks he's likely to find, but I thought I had better let you know.”
“I'll change behind the screen; it's not like I'll be naked or anything.”
As quickly as she knew how Vanessa changed into the t-shirt and shorts that were in the overnight bag she had brought with her. She heard the light rumble of equipment being moved from the direction of the storage area. She emerged from behind the screen and saw three items of equipment lined up at the edge of the clear area. Nearest her was a low bench with some equipment on top, next was the clear sawing in half box she had seen when she first met Harold, and lastly there was a sturdy straight-backed chair with something at the back.
“Now that you can see them, do you have any preference of the order?”
“Not really, although knowing what the sawing in half does, it's a bit more intimidating; I think I want to leave that for last. Have a chance to get used to the idea of magic happening to me. I guess this one here, is as good a place to start as any.” She had pointed to the bench.
“Good choice, the penetration effect. You've probably seen it before, but don't recognise it when it's not set up. I'll clear the equipment away and you can lie on the bench. You'll notice that there's a break in the surface; it'll be a lot easier for me, and most likely you, if you position yourself so that the gap is under your waist.”
Vanessa sat on the bench and then straddled it, before thinking about how to lie down from there. A conundrum quickly resolved when Harold offer a hand to help lower herself to the bench.
“You can either raise your legs so they lie on top of the bench or carry on like you are with your feet on the floor; it doesn't matter much, but it might cause problems if you change your mind part way through.”
Vanessa raised her feet so that she was lying flat on the bench, which seemed to be a couple of inches longer than entirely necessary at both ends.
“Before we get to the meat of the illusion would you write something that you would recognise afterwards on this strip of card.” He presented her with a strip of light cardboard and a marker.
She wrote the first two lines of her favourite song along the card, recapped the pen and returned both to Harold. He slipped the pen into a pocket, then looked at the words written on the card. “Not my favourite song,” he admitted, “but the tune is catchy; nice choice.” With care he fed the card into a metal channel about half an inch below the gap in the bench's surface. “Now for something you may find more familiar.” He lifted an arch-shaped stock and placed it over Vanessa's waist. It was soon locked into the ends of the slot under her middle. “You seem to keep trim, so there's a gap between your belly and the stock. Rather than have things get messy, we'll stuff the gap with this cloth so that if there should be an accident, your guts will remain mostly in place, rather than spooled out on the floor.”
Vanessa recognised this bit of banter from a show she had seen, which triggered her memory of the illusion that was holding her lightly in place. “I suppose next, you're going to get out a jigsaw and saw me in half,” she conjectured. “But I thought you said this was a penetration thing.”
“Yes, I'm going to get the jigsaw and run it through the stock, but the intent is not to saw you in half, but penetrate through your waist with the blade.”
“And the difference?” She asked as he turned to collect the jigsaw from the shelf behind him.
“Well, technically, it's sawing through a person, not sawing a person in half; if you look into the many illusions called 'sawing a person in half' a lot of them don't result in the victim being divided into two pieces; the jigsaw illusion I'm about to do is one; even the big buzzsaw illusions are really glorified penetrations, with the blade only passing through harmlessly. A lot of illusions don't say what they do, to seem mysterious, or to seem more impressive than they really are; not that what they really are isn't impressive enough.” Jigsaw in hand, he pulled the trigger cause the blade the thrash the air with a rasping buzz. “Enough blather from me. Shall we get on with it, or would you rather try a few card tricks and go home?”
“I came here to experience some magic, so please get on with it, because at this stage I am feeling my nerves fighting with my curiosity for supremacy.”
Harold slid the stilled blade into the stock on his side of the bench. He paused long enough in rearranging himself to control the saw properly, to point towards the tip of the blade sticking out below the stock and lined up with the slot in the bench. “Do you want me to do this?” He pulled the trigger and set the catch to hold the trigger in place.
Vanessa yelled, “YES!” to be heard over the noise of the jigsaw amplified by its contact with the stock and through that to the bench.
Harold took a deep breath and settled an expression of intense concentration on his face, before grasping the jigsaw's handle and pushing forward along the guide channel at the top of the stock.
Vanessa felt the jiggling blade touch the side of her waist and screamed in surprise and anticipation of the pain that she was expecting. She quickly discovered that there was no pain, but she could still feel the butterflies in her stomach; or was that just the feeling of having a vibrating blade passing through you. The area of most intense butterflies seemed to roughly line up where the body of the jigsaw suggested that the blade should be.
As the jigsaw approached the middle, there was a grinding noise. Harold paused in his pushing. “This is likely to be the most intense part of this illusion, especially as it's your first time; It's the spine which is a lot harder than the fleshy parts. If I continue you'll probably experience about five to ten minutes of pins and needles in your legs. Or I could lift the blade over your spine and the continue pushing through.”
“I don't like the sound of pins and needles for that long, so the other thing, please.”
Taking full control of the jigsaw in both hands, Harold lifted it about three inches, and moved forward a similar amount before pushing it back down onto the guide on the top of the waist-stock. Vanessa felt the agitation in her guts follow where she assumed the reciprocating blade to be, but was shocked to see the upper part of the blade jiggling in the gap between the base of the motor unit and the top of the stock. A rational part of her mind asked how can three inches of blade have been hidden in the inch of stock before the cloth filling the inch gap above her waist; this was swiftly dismissed by some other part of her brain answering, 'It's magic; don't question it!'
With the jigsaw back in contact with the guide, Harold pushed the saw forward until the blade emerged from the other side of the stock, when he lifted the device away and released the trigger-catch, to facilitate talking without the need to shout.
“So? How was that for you?”
“I don't know. I think it will take a while for me to process what just happened. The important thing, at this stage, is that it didn't hurt in the slightest. Which means I think I'm still willing to try out some of the other things you have got ready.”
“Did you feel anything, at all?”
“Yes. It felt a bit like butterflies in the stomach, but I don't know, for sure, if that was me being nervous or you pushing a rapidly moving blade through my waist. Was that thing you said about the strange feelings in the legs real, or an excuse to show off that you could lift the jigsaw part way across.”
“Ok, it was mostly a ruse to show off a bit, but there was one complaint of pins and needles after a sawing; that was my sister and we never got to the bottom of whether she was faking or we were too inexperienced at the time to do the trick properly and it took the magic longer than ideal to get things back to normal.”
“I think I understood that. Now, are you going to let me get up from here?”
Harold quickly deposited the jigsaw on the shelf and released the stock, taking away the cloth padding at the same time. “Would you like to see proof that the blade passed right through you?” he asked as she sat up.
“Ok?”
“Pull out the card you wrote on from the slot under your waist!”
Vanessa turned to be sitting on the bench with her feet on the floor. She reached down to pull the cardboard from its channel below the slot. Pulling from the end where the blade had exited, she found the it seemed to be in two pieces, until she got to the middle where there was an uncut length of about three inches, before the cut resumed. It was her writing on the mostly divided cardboard strip.
“That's quite impressive. What's next?”
“I think a drink, because that made me quite thirsty. There's some water or fruit juice in the fridge in the office or the makings of tea or coffee; whatever you would like.”
“Didn't we just have coffee, like, twenty minutes ago?”
“Yes, but doing magic makes me thirsty. I guess it's the price I pay for the power I get. It could be worse; Marvin's magic seems to be fuelled by sugar, so he has to spend a lot of time in the gym to keep in shape.”
“Come to think of it, I am a bit thirsty, now you mention it. Shall I fetch some water from the office, while you set up for the next trick?”
“That'd be great. Bring two bottles for me, I'll be needing the next one after the next illusion.”
“That chair thing over there?”
Harold nodded. Vanessa headed for the door marked 'Office', where she found the usual trappings of small business administration, a large basket full of chocolate bars and a stack of shrink-wrapped blocks of water bottles. She liberated three bottles from the opened block at the top and returned to see what setting up the illusion with the chair had done.
The thing that had been behind the back of the chair had been moved to the top and turned out to be a head-sized box. There was also a shelf on each side, each of which had a small pile of daggers.
“That's the thing where the assistant puts her head in the box and you push in knives once the box is closed, right?”
“That's exactly it. We call it the dagger head box. The good part is that when the box is opened part way through, your head isn't there impaled by a dozen or so knives, it has been vanished. Which is why we're using it to see how partial vanishes feel to you.”
“With my head in a box and vanished, I'm not going to be able to see much of what's happening. And what's with the shelves on the side and box attached to the chair? Aren't the knives usually on a table nearby, possibly in some sort of holder that displays them? And doesn't the assistant hold the box in place?”
“This was the result of a short-lived experiment where Marvin would sit in the chair and perform the illusion on himself. It was made like this he didn't need to worry about holding the box and the daggers were in easy reach. There were issues with getting the sword in the top of the box and he hated the feeling enough that he ditched the idea after three tries. I thought it would be a good introduction to the effect, because you wouldn't have to worry about holding the box in place, and can concentrate on how it feels.”
“But, I'd like to have some idea what's happening.”
“Sorry about that, but the best I can do is take a few snaps on my phone and show you afterwards.”
“I guess, that'll have to do. So, I just sit here, and put my head in the box and wait to see what happens.” She pointed at the seat with one hand while handing over the two water bottles in her other.
Harold placed one of the bottles on a side shelf of the chair, uncapped the other and drink the entire bottle in one go.
“You must have been thirsty,” commented Vanessa as she turned to sit in the chair.
“Yes, for me magic is very thirsty work, but it gives Marvin a severe case of the munchies. That's it, now position your head inside the box!”
Vanessa turned in the chair to look at the box. “How?”
“Sorry, you were so quick getting the water, I didn't get to opening the box, then we got talking and I forgot I hadn't finished the preparation.” He corrected his oversight by lifting the panel that formed the front of the box away, the pulling the bottom of the box forward to reveal it had a 'U'-shaped cut-out at the back. Both panels he added to the piles of knives to the side.
Vanessa cautiously positioned her head in the box. She was relieved to find that it was slightly roomier than she had assumed, in that her short hair brushed the inside faces of the box, rather than them touching her ears. Harold reinstated the base of the box, forcing his potential assistant to sit a little further back and straighter, so that the inside of the cut-out did not press against her throat, which meant that she rested the back of her head against the back of the box.
Inserting the front panel went without incident, but caused Vanessa to comment that it was much closer to her nose than she expected. “That's, because we don't need enough space in the box for a head and a separate heads-worth of knives, so we can construct it smaller, but not so small that people get suspicious that we are routinely using real magic. You alright so far?”
“s'pose so.”
“Then we'll start with a few daggers that don't intersect with your head then the sword in the top which will get your head to vanish, then the rest of the daggers once your head is no longer in the way, ok? Wait, I'll set up my phone to video what happens; that way I can do the whole thing without having to break off to take pictures. It'll only take a minute; you alright with that; I can re-open the front of you're getting anxious.”
“I'm good.”
She heard the moving of a piece of furniture and the Harold muttering to himself as he set up the phone. “That's going. Now for the first eight daggers.”
In the limited light with in the box Vanessa saw the blades of the some knives inserted into the box just behind the closed panel in front of her nose, then felt the matching four blades at the rear of the box tug at her hair, as they were pushed in behind her skull.
“Now, this is the bit that Marvin had trouble with logistically; and didn't like the feeling of when I did it for him. I'm about to push the sword in the top, this will anchor your head in place while it is vanished.”
“Isn't being attached to my body at the neck good enough?”
“Not really, because when it's vanished it isn't connected in a sufficient way. Don't ask me why, I just know that something external to the person is needed to hold things in the right place, otherwise it takes more trouble to line things up to reattach.”
“I'll have to assume you know what you're doing.”
Harold pulled a sword from its holder on the back of the chair. The blade was twenty inches long, with a handle on the end. It took him a few moments to get it lined up with the hole in the top of the headbox. “I'm going to insert the sword, now, then I'll vanish your head before I add any more daggers.” In a single smooth motion the magician slid the sword through the box with only the slightest stutter indicating the moment when the tip of the blade touched the upper rear of Vanessa's head inside.
Vanessa felt the sword touch her head and before she had time to wonder and dismiss the idea that the edge of the blade might be damaging her hair, she had several bizarre and intrusive thoughts. Then she felt some tightness at the top of her throat as the sword exited under her chin, with a soft tap as it found the exit hole in the base of the box.
“That was weird! I had some of the oddest thoughts you can imagine, as the sword went through; is that going to happen every time we do this?”
“I suspect so, I think that's why Marvin didn't like this illusion. He said that the thoughts were difficult to ignore and distracted him from getting on with the rest of the illusion.”
Cautiously, Vanessa reached up to feel the end of the sword protruding from the part of the box under her chin. She found that the edge was not sharp at all, but the tip was very pointed. She also discovered that it jutted at an angle over her upper chest. “I thought you were going to put the sword in vertically.”
“If I had done that it would have continued down inside your neck, or if it was further forward it would have poked you in the chest bone; neither of which are desirable. And from a performance perspective, because this was designed to be performed for an audience, it is important that the sword is seen to go through; if the audience don't see the tip of the blade come out they will assume it is retracting into the handle or whatever other explanation they can find.”
“I suppose that makes sense,” said Vanessa as she returned her arms to rest on the chair's armrests.
“I'm going to vanish your head on the count of three, then I'll finish the performance of the illusion, before I bring your head back, ok?”
Vanessa lifted a thumb, not sure how soon Harold would start counting, or that she would be able to keep from sounding nervous about the prospect of not having a head for a while. She heard Harold count 'one' and 'two', but did not hear the following 'Three'. She tried to say, “What happened to 'Three'?” but quickly realised that she could not hear her own voice despite knowing that she had spoken. This prompted her to notice that she could not see the daggers in her upper and lower peripheral vision and that her entire vision was a uniform colour that seemed to be the average of what she had been seeing before. Further introspection, told her that she could not feel where her head rested against the back of the box, but she could still feel the path of the sword through her head. Below her head the feeling had not changed; the feel of sitting in the chair with her back against the back and her arms on the armrests and the occasional touch of the edge of the cut-out in the base of the headbox high on her neck.
Harold waited a few moments after counting 'Three', then began inserting daggers into the headbox through the slots between the pre-inserted front and back blades. When the side shelves of the chair were bare of knives, he lifted the front panel to show the phone that the only contents of the box were the knife-blades and the sword. Working quickly, he returned the front panel and withdrew all the knives. He concentrated to return Vanessa's head to the real world and counted to three.
After a short period of semi-sensory-deprivation, which she had found relaxing, she heard the word 'Three', smelt the smell of her hair and her perfume, and her vision resolved from being blank to seeing the details of the inside of the box's front panel without the daggers in the corners of visual field.
“Are you alright?” Harold asked.
“I guess so. I don't feel any different, except I know that there is still a sword through my head.”
“Good! Now that that is confirmed I'll take that out and then let you out of the box.”
“Ok.”
Vanessa felt the sword being slid out of her head and had some more strange thoughts as it went. She blinked when the front panel was removed. As the box's base was pulled out, she checked her neck with her hand, but only felt a slight graze on the side of her neck. “Maybe, if we ever do that again, perhaps you could put something to padding the inside of the neck-hole; the edge of the wood is quite rough.”
“Ok. So, apart from the edge of the neck cut-out being a bit rough, how was that for you?”
“Oh, it was quite relaxing when my head was vanished, but I was a bit tense from the stuff you did to get there, but maybe that was because I didn't know what to expect.”
Harold went to his phone to stop it recording. “Do you want to see what it looked like?”
“No, but if you sent it to my email; I can look at it later, if I survive 'til later.” Vanessa eyed the sawing half box that she had seen used on the naked hostess of the party where she and Harold had first met. “I think you had better saw me in half, before I lose my nerve.”
“I think you're a lot braver than you think; it takes a lot of guts to meet someone you've only met once before and allow them to do magic on you without an audience to apply peer-pressure and be there to witness if things go wrong; which they won't, because I know what I'm doing. I thought that you might like to try something else before I saw you in half.”
“I'm not sure who's procrastinating here, but ok. What kind of magic is this supposed to give me a taste of?”
“Levitation, so if you'd like to lie down on the bench again we can get floating above it for a short while; give you a chance to relax before I saw you in two. That's a great position, except I would like you to cross your ankles.”
Vanessa heard a rattling from the direction of the headbox chair. “What are you doing over there?”
“I've got some items to lift you from the bench before you float freely in the air; now I'm setting up my phone to record your levitation. I hope you don't mind if I touch you lightly when I put the lifters in place.”
“I don't think that is much of a problem; you've seen me naked; just don't get too handsy.”
“Phone's going. I'll start with the middle two lifters. If you could lift your hip a little, that would be great.”
She raised her phone-ward hip until her buttock was hardly pressing on the bench. He touched her hip to indicate that she should raise it slightly higher, then slid something onto the bench under her hip. “Now, the other hip, please,” Harold requested, as he walked to the other side of the jigsawing bench.
Vanessa lowered her raised hip and felt something cylindrical and about an inch in diameter under that side of the small of her back, she detected that end towards her feet was something a lot less thick that ended where her butt pressed against the bench. “I hope this isn't going to take long, because it seems like it'll get uncomfortable quite quickly.”
“It isn't digging in, I hope.”
“Not digging in, just lumpy.”
“Good. Now your other hip, please, then I can place the other two lifters and then I'll get you floating and you'll no longer be resting on the lumpy bits.”
“Ok. The sooner the better, I guess.”
Harold placed another item under Vanessa and asked to settle the hip back down and then lift her ankles. She felt the second object was the same as the first and in the same position, but mirrored. He went to her crossed feet and supported the back of her lower heel while placing another item on the bench under her shins. When she lowered her feet she felt a similar cylindrical lump with a slender projection pointing down her body that ended below the knob of her ankle. “Last one, and then we can get you in the air. So if you could raise you head slightly, that would be great.”
As Vanessa lifted her head she heard something scrape on the bench where it had been.
“Now, rest your head back down and we can get you airborne.”
She lowered her head, expecting to feel another cylindrical lump under her head, but felt the same kind of flat metallic projection separating her head from the bench.
“Great, now we're ready to get you floating; just try not to move too much and just accept the movement that happens too you!”
“Ok,” Vanessa mumbled, afraid that even the movement of her jaw might be more movement than she was meant to be making. She tried to remember a yoga class from the distant past, recalling that it was easier to remain still when you were relaxed, so she took a deep relaxing breath.
“That's good you've seem to have a talent for being still without being rigid, which is ideal.”
The comment relaxed her further, knowing that she was getting it right. She felt something brush passed her hair, but see that Harold was leaning over her concentrating on something just above her head. She felt a pressure at the back of her head, under her lower ankle and under each buttock. Turned her attention to these contacts, she found that they were sharp, but not digging in. She was distracted by the small feeling of motion; upwards initially and transitioning toward the direction her head pointed, then it stopped.
She turned her attention back to the pointy sensations and discovered that it was like a point being held against the skin by applying pressure to the opposite end; enough to hold it in place, but not enough to break the skin. “What's supporting me? I can feel I'm being supported in four places.”
“You are now resting on the tips of four of the knives that I used in the dagger headbox.”
“That makes some sense, but why aren't they stabbing into me?”
“That's because they aren't really supporting your weight, they are just there to give you somewhere to be without floating away, until I get the hang of what it takes to get you float free of indirect contact with the floor. If you're finding them uncomfortable I can remove a couple, while I work out how you float.”
“Won't removing some knives, increase the pressure on the ones that remain?”
“No, because like I said, they are not supporting you, so removing a few will not effect how hard the ones that are left press against you. I'll start by removing the one under your ankles and work my way up.”
“Do you need me to lift my ankles?”
“Definitely not. If you lift you ankles it could fall in any direction, which may adversely effect you; it would be better if I remove it in a more controlled way.”
“I guess that makes sense. So what will be holding my feet up?”
“That depends on which answer you like. Either 'magic' or 'nothing'. What it will really achieve is, it will narrow down how you as an assistant like to be levitated, so that we can work towards you floating freely without even indirect contact with the ground; that's why rehearsals are important, even for magicians like me and Marvin, it familiarises us with how to best apply the magic to the assistant, even though we could wing it, but the results would not be as satisfying.” While he spoke Harold cautiously removed the knife that had been holding Vanessa's ankles in place. She felt an urge to lower her ankles, but resisted it and felt the urge go away. “That's good. You seem to have some natural talent for being levitated, but I've never met someone who felt like they were trying to roll out of the levitation. It does make levitating you easier, because it just needs to go uphill where you will roll; if you want to visualise it, I am creating an very elastic sling, like an old-time stretcher (you know; two poles and some fabric); I'm creating one of those and that is what is supporting you now.” He moved up her body and she felt the points that her buttocks rested on being withdrawn, but no desire to lower her behind to the bench, which felt to be about six inches below. The point that was touching the back of her head did not seem to exert any increased pressure, despite being the only thing that Vanessa was in contact with. “That seems to be working quite nicely. I'll remove the last support. You should stay exactly where you are, but even if you don't it is only a short fall to the bench, so you shouldn't get hurt more than a minor bruise.” The point supporting her head was removed.
After a few moments of suspense, during which Vanessa was unsure if she was falling, she said, “That seems to have worked; I don't think I'm falling. And it's nice not having the points pressing into me,even if they felt like they weren't going to go through.”
“Good, now I'll see if I can lift you by the magical stretcher that's holding you up.” For a moment Vanessa did not feel anything, then she noticed slow movement towards the far off ceiling. She guessed that she had risen another foot before the upward motion stopped. “That seems to work. Now to see how much control I've got. It's not much good if all I can do it raise you up, but if I try lowering you you drop like a stone, is it?”
Vanessa felt movement, which was accompanied by Harold's mutterings, “Down, ok. Away... and closer, that's good. Side to side, wait no that goes round. Rotate in place, yeah, I can do that. Combine them to get side to side; that works, but I'll need to mix it with a bit of away and closer to get her to move in a straight line. I know that roll happens, but best to check how much it happens, That does what I expected. And the last one; what's that one? Oh yes, tipping forward and back.”
Vanessa felt her feet lower while her body remained straight, then rise again until they were higher than her head, before her body returned to the horizontal. “That felt a bit worrying, I don't think I liked that much.”
“Did it feel like you were going to slip from being supported or just your balance telling you that it wasn't right?”
“It didn't feel like I was sliding anywhere. I think I just didn't like being tipped up.”
“That's fine, then we can avoid that, but it does leave open the possibility that it can be done in an emergency.”
“What kind of emergency?”
“That's not what I meant. What I meant was tipping you up during levitation can be done if it's needed, but we can probably avoid doing it routinely, because it makes you uncomfortable.”
“That's a relief; I briefly had a vision that you were think that you might have to levitate me vertically through a narrow hole in the roof during a fire.”
“No, I wasn't thinking of that kind of emergency, although it is a possibility if that kind of emergency should happen; I just meant that we won't be tipping you up on the regular, but there may be moments when it is needed.”
“I'm glad that's clear. So are you going to let me down, so we can move onto the sawing in half?”
“No need, you just wait there and I'll bring the sawing to you. Because you are levitated without reference to the ground, I can move the bench out of the way and bring the sawing box to you.”
“Why do you need the box at all?”
“I guess I could saw you in half in mid-air, but you wouldn't get the full experience of the sawing, because it would be muddied by being levitated; maybe we can try it another day. If you feel unsteady at any point in the transition, please yell; but I think you shouldn't feel anything noticeable.”
Harold bent down and dragged the bench from under Vanessa's recumbent body. Once there was space, he went to the sawing table and set about removing the covers, which he set aside. He wheeled to table under Vanessa, and began to lower her levitated body towards it. “I'm going to lower you slowly, because we didn't try out landing you on something solid; I still have to work out how to stop levitating you, without dropping onto a hard surface; not that the table is particularly hard, but you know what I mean.”
Vanessa felt a padded part of the table touch the back of her head, then her buttocks settle and then the rear of her heel.
“Good, that worked very well, if I say so myself. Now to get you covered with the clear covers, so I can saw you in half.”
“Do we really need to do the covers?”
“Yes, for now, but depending on how you react to being cut in half, we may be able to do without them in the future; some rare people have violent reactions to being divided, and I don't want to risk the chance that you might be one of them and buck yourself off the table.”
“Ok, I guess it's sensible to take all reasonable precautions until we've established how I react. Do you need another bottle of water before we continue; the other magic seemed to make you very thirsty.”
“Thanks for reminding me, especially as divisions cause me more thirstiness. Do you want another bottle?”
“No thanks, but if you could hand me the bottle I started and maybe bring me one of the chocolate bars, if that's ok.”
“I'm sure Marvin won't mind. If you feel the need the sit up and stretch, that's fine. I just hope you weren't suggesting I get some water, so you can leave without having to tell me until I got back and found you gone.”
“No, of course not. I noticed how thirsty you got and didn't want you passing out while I was in half. And I'm feeling a bit hungry; maybe I should had a cake at the cafe.”
Harold moved Vanessa's bottle of water to the corner of the sawing table. “I'll be back in minute or so.”
Vanessa sat up and took a sip. The surface of the table she was sat upon was black, except for some metal trim either side of the dividing line and some catches outside some diagonal ridges that outlined where she had been set down. These ridges went from a little less than shoulder-width apart about a foot from the ends of the table, to half as wide again where they nearly met either side if the dividing metal trim. She was rolling her shoulders to relieve some tension, when she heard A series of beeps from Harold's phone, with a downward inflection.
When Harold returned, she mentioned that his phone had beeped, as he handed her a chocolate bar. He went to the phone. “Nothing critically important, except that I've filled the phone's memory. I'll have to upload the videos to the cloud, so I can record you being sawn in two; it won't take long.”
Vanessa took the chance to take a couple of bites of chocolate, which felt unreasonably satisfying. After another sip of water, she said, “Does doing magic effect assistants in the same way you say it effects magicians?”
“Sorry; don't know. I guess it might, but Marvin never uses the same person twice, so I doubt we'd have noticed it if it does. Why?”
“I just felt more peckish than I expected, and wondered if it was because of the magic, or that I haven't eaten anything since breakfast.”
“Couldn't say at this point, but if you decide to continue being an assistant, maybe we'll find out. If you're still willing to go ahead, it's time to find out how you are with division magic. I reckon you'll be totally fine, because you were ok with the other stuff.”
Vanessa resumed her reclined position, while Harold picked up one of the covers. “I need you to uncross your ankles, there isn't much clearance at the bottom end and they'll need to be separated when I insert the ankle stock.”
“Are the stocks really necessary?”
“Not generally, but I've heard horror stories where the legs ended up with a mind of there own and tried to run away; best not take the chance.”
Vanessa watched while Harold settled the cover over her legs and went round fastening the catches to hold the cover down. She tried to lift a leg and bumped her knee on the top of the cover. Harold put a hand under the table and pulled the ankle stock of its storage space. He slotted it into the end of the cover, giving her ankles nudges to get them into place.
Instinctively, Vanessa tried to pull her ankles in and found that she could if she was willing to suffer a graze on the knobs of her ankles. “The stocks aren't as tight as I expected; tight enough, I guess, but not too tight.”
“They're there to guard against involuntary movements and to restrain free-willed legs; legs without a brain aren't all that smart.” He collected the second cover. “Raise your arms and thread them through the sides of the cover as I lower it over you.” He was soon clipping down the upper cover. “Now for the neck stock, unless you'd like to do the honours.”
She allowed him to fit the stock over her neck. “What would you like to be cut in half by?”
“I didn't know there was a choice.”
“Well, it's not a wide choice, we haven't got a buzzsaw on an arm and the gap between the boxes in too narrow for the chainsaw, but I could use a sword, or an ordinary saw, like you'd use to saw wood, or I could just put the separators in; they are quite sharp, but not really designed for it.”
“I think I'll go with the sword then. Let the separators do the separating and if things don't go right a sword is going to leave the lesser scar.”
“You don't need to worry about that kind of thing; I know what I'm doing and scars aren't part of it.”
“Humour me! I want to be cut in half with a sword, unless there's any downside that you haven't told me about.”
“Fine, I'll fetch the sword. While I get it, you should get as comfortable as possible; it'll make putting you back together easier.”
Vanessa tried to relax inside the box, a task made less easy by the metal division trim being cold against her lower waist, her shoulders resting on the lower part of the cover frame and the general lack of space to move. She found that if she rested her forearms on the top of the upper cover the frame did not dig in so much, but there seemed little she could do about the other discomforts.
Harold returned carrying a pair of bamboo tubes with leather bound handles sticking out of the ends. “Which one would you like the short one or the long one (I can never remember the proper names for these types of swords).”
“Is there a difference?”
“Not really from the being cut in half point of view, but the long one impresses the audience more; probably because it is easier to see the end of the blade under the table.”
“In that case, you chose!”
“Ok, this one.” He put the longer sword on the shelf behind him and unsheathed the remaining one to reveal a two foot blade that looked as if it could cut a silk cloth that fell on it.
“Any reason?” Vanessa asked.
“Not really, it's just that it belongs to me, the other one is Marvin's.”
“Makes sense to me. So, what happens next?”
“If this were some kind of show, I would go out of my way to impress the sharpness of the blade on everyone, by chopping an apple or slicing a sheet of paper, but there's no need for that here. I just stand here and carefully insert the blade into the gap between the parts of the table on the other side with the sharp edge facing me. When the assistant and I are ready, I pulled towards me until it has passed through the gap between the boxes, then I take it out and sheath it.” Harold had been performing the actions that went with his words.
“You said, 'When the assistant is ready.' but how could you know I was ready, when even I didn't know if I was ready?”
“You get a feel for these things. How does it feel to be in two parts?”
“It didn't feel much different from the jigsaw if you're able to ignore the jiggling. Wait! Did you just ask how it feels to be in two parts? I can't tell the difference, except for some very mild tingling where the sword went through.”
“Great! For a moment there I wondered if I had done a penetration instead of a cutting. Uh-uh! Please don't try to feel the cut before I've got the separators in place, you might cause it to join up prematurely, or move things away from where they are supposed to be, which can make restoring you that much more difficult; and I'd rather you had a good, smooth experience your first time.”
“I guess you put the blades in next.”
“Yes, but they're separators, really, they didn't cut anything. Do you want to tap them before I put them in.”
“Ok.”
Harold presented the blades so that Vanessa could rap her knuckles on them, dispelling what little doubt of their solidity that she had. He put one down on the cover of the lower box and lined the other one up with the gap between the boxes. The blade slid into the gap smoothly.
“I thought I felt something; a bit of pressure on the bottom of my belly, but inside. And maybe the tingling has gotten a bit stronger.”
“Ok, then I'll put in the second one; I doubt it'll feel any worse than the first.”
“And then, I guess, you'll unlatch the table and move my two parts apart, right?”
“That's the plan, and once you've got used to that, we'll put you back together and take stock of what your preferences are for kinds of magic.”
“Well, so far, I like it all. Ooo! I felt that go through. But it was mostly a little more pressure and a bit more tingling; I'm growing to liking the tingling.”
“So, now to move your halves apart,” said Harold as he leant over the covers to unhook the catch that held the table together on the camera-ward side. “Are you ready?”
“I think so. But I don't now how you get ready to have your legs and body wheeled apart.”
“I'll do it on the count of three. One, … , two, … , two and a half, … , Three!”
“Wow! That felt odd! It wasn't bad-odd, just odd. I think it will take a bit of getting used to.”
“So, if you look to your right you will see your legs.”
Vanessa looked right and wriggled her feet. She was surprised to see them acting exactly as intended, but with a little bit of a delay. “Is that normal?”
“Is what normal? We are using magic here, the term normal can get a bit sketchy.”
“My toes and feet seem to be acting with a bit a delay.”
“Well, they are further away and there is a gap for the signal to cross, although nobody has noticed that kind of effect before. Does it have a delay in the other direction too.” Harold went to Vanessa feet and tapped on the soles of her shoes.
“Yep, there's a delay in feeling it, but that makes sense. I guess it's time to put me back together.”
The resolution of the suggested action was forestalled by a knock on the door, followed by Marvin entering. “How are things going?”
In near unison, Harold and Vanessa, said, “Fine.”
“That's good. Do you need any help, advise, anything?”
“A hand in lining Vanessa's parts back up would be good, it'll just make it easier. But otherwise we've been getting on great, and she's been enjoying what I've done to her.”
Possibly due to strange angle of eye contact, Marvin did not seem convinced, and asked, “So you've enjoyed it?”
“I don't know, but it's been fun and a bit unusual, and with the uncertainty about how I'd feel about it, a little stressed, but I think I'd like to do some more sometime.” Vanessa's response satisfied Marvin.
“So, what have you done?”
It looked to Vanessa as if Harold was about to answer, but Marvin gave him a signal that she should answer. “First, he sawed through me with a jigsaw; I could feel the jiggling blade in my guts, but it didn't hurt at all. Then he put knives through a box with my head in it, but I didn't feel a thing 'cause my head had been temporarily vanished. After that he floated me, initially on some knives and then without the knives. He floated me onto the sawing table and cut me in two with a sword, then you arrived.”
While Vanessa recounted her magical journey, the men re-aligned the parts of the sawing table, latched it together. Harold pulled out the blades in a single move. “Ooo! That felt nice, the tingles that built up next to the blades, sorry, separators, went all over my body and felt like champagne sparkles. It feels so refreshing.”
The men released and removed to covers, then put then aside, while Vanessa sat up and jumped off the table. “So?” she asked. “Is there anything else I should try?”
Marvin looked a little puzzled, so Harold provided an explanation. “Vanessa did not know what kinds of magic she might like to be involved in, and I had not planned anything, not knowing her preferences. We decided to try an example of each so she had some idea. She had been teleported by you during the show where she was in the knife throwing act. This morning we've done the jigsawing for a penetration, the dagger head-box for a partial vanish, a suspension and full-blown levitation and just now a division. I don't think I've missed anything?”
“How about a distortion; like a stretcher or a squishing down?”
“I'd forgotten about those, and I'd probably have been kicking myself for not suggesting them, when I remembered. How about it, Vanessa?”
“I guess it can't hurt, and might be fun. What would I have to do?”
“Like everything so far, just get into the box or whatever and let the stuff happen to you. And given how you've reacted so far, it won't hurt at all. Any preference on how we deform you?”
“I have no idea. You choose something; you've a lot better idea of what there is than I'll ever have. And maybe stop your phone before you run out of memory again.”
“I think I've got the perfect thing, I'll go and get it. Could you upload the video from my phone to the 'Vanessa' folder in the usual place.” Harold's last instruction was addressed to his brother, before he disappeared into the storage.
“So, how has my brother been treating you?”
“Very well. He's been telling me what's going on and I haven't ended up naked once (nearest was when I changed behind the screen, but he was finding stuff over there).”
“And you've really enjoyed the magic?”
“Yeah. When I arrived, I was worried that it might hurt or something, but it's pleasant. If Harold would like to, I'd be up to do some more, another time; that is unless there are painful after effects that haven't kicked in.”
“That shouldn't be a problem, but, as you probably gathered, magic isn't consistent with how it causes people to react. It just seems to me that if you were going to have any pain it would already be happening; the side effects rarely last more than an hour.”
The discussion was interrupted by the rumble of whatever Harold had found in the store room. What emerged into the more brightly lit area was a box on legs with a smaller box on top, moving on low platform. Harold's legs could be seen through the gap under main box and some of his hair was visible round the smaller box on top.
“I thought you were going to junk that old thing,” comment Marvin.
“Well, I thought about it, but worked out why it wasn't working properly. So I modified it so it worked, but you didn't seem interested in it, so I just stowed it down the back of the store, in case you came back to the idea.”
In the hope of preventing the brothers having an argument, Vanessa asked, “so what will this do to me? Stretch me or shrink me?”
“Neither!” said the brothers together. Marvin added, “The original intent was for me to be about to twist my body up a bit, but it only ever did twisting my neck. What it'll do now that Harold has modified it, I can't say, but it will probably twist your body like it was intended to; Harold was always better at designing boxes than I'll ever be.”
“Is that the one where someone gets put in the box and their head is spun round a few times then the front opened to show their twisted up torso with their hands sticking out?”
“That's the one, but Marvin wanted to be able to do it on his own, so there are holes to stick arms out of, with the idea he could turn the headbox. That didn't work, because having the arms fixed in place prevented the turning of his head from getting to his body. So now it turns just below where the arms come out and it needs someone to turn the whole top. I thought you might like to try it out, as an example of a body distortion effect; now that I've been reminded that they are a class of effect too.”
“You aren't selling it to me, but then the other stuff we've done didn't sound like a good time either, but was moderately fun. I'll give it a go, so long as you promise to let me out if I want to be let out.”
“Of course,” said Harold. “I'm here to have some fun and share it with someone. If you stop having fun, I don't have anyone to have fun with.” He opened the double doors on the front of the cabinet. Inside there was little to see, it being painted dull black. “All you'll need to do is duck under the ring which it where the rotation will be happening and your arms through the holes in the sides and your head through the hole in the top; into the headbox.”
“I don't need to change into some special costume, then?”
“No, if it had been an illusion instead of magic, then probably; but this is magic so that is not a problem. All you need to do is get in and stand straight; you'll probably need to move a little to adjust for the thigh stocks, but nothing more.”
Vanessa crouched to step back into the open cabinet. Looking up she could see where the holes she had been asked to put her arms and head through, she also noticed that the section for her torso was so narrow that her best option was to raise her arms to the holes and push them out as she stood up.
Harold and Marvin both complimented her on how smoothly she had entered the box. There was some adjustment of her exact pose as a stock was fitted to hold her legs in place. “Alright, it is time to show you the twist,” said Harold as he shut the doors to cover her body. To his brother, he added, “Take an arm and we take this for a spin, three times round should be more than enough.”
Harold took hold of one arm and Marvin grasped the other from the other side. They each began to walk slowly around the cabinet pushing the arm they held. Vanessa's dominant impression was that her view of the area where they were rehearsing was rotating around her, for the first half turn, then she felt the resistance of the padding in the holes around her thighs and a stretching feeling in her sides; she recognised it from her gym routine.
As the phone that was filming the action came into view for the first time, Vanessa asked, “Have you really turned my top part a full 360? Because I feel sure that it should hurt more.”
The men stopped, but kept hold of her extended arms. “Are you in any pain?” Harold asked.
“No, there is some tension, but no more than I'm used to from the gym. But if you've really turned my head completely around relative to my feet, my neck or spine should be broken.”
“I've never worked out if deformation magic makes you super-flexible or does what it has to do to protect you from harm, but whatever it is doing, you'll not be hurt, maybe a bit stiff afterwards, nothing that'll be a severe problem.”
“I'm not sure how reassuring that is, but, like I said, I'm not in any pain, so unless I yell out we continue as planned?”
The tension in Vanessa's sides increased, but not to the point of pain, while the two magicians turned the top of the cabinet using her arms as handles. Soon she was facing the phone again for the third time. She heard a bolt click into place.
“Time to see what we have achieved,” announced Harold. He opened the double doors to reveal that the view inside the box had not changed much. Initially it looked as if nothing had changed until they looked down at Vanessa's shorts, which seemed to have collapsed onto the stock from which her thigh emerged. On top of the shorts was a low pinkish cone, the top of which was obscured by the shadow of her top. “I don't think that's what I was expecting, but I guess it makes sense.”
“Has something gone wrong?” asked Vanessa.
“No, not wrong, but not quite what I had in mind. This body distortion magic can be very tricky; it makes some sort of sense why most magicians don't show the distorted version of the assistant.” Harold reached into the cabinet to lift the hem of Vanessa's T-shirt. The top of the pinkish cone melded into a flesh-coloured stick about and inch across. “I think I know what happened.”
“So, what's that?” asked Marvin, while Vanessa asked, “What's happened?”
Harold stepped back and closed the doors. “The twisting has twisted tighter than I expected, so instead of the twisted body being four to six inches in diameter, it is about an inch wide. So when we untwist you, you should make sure that all your clothes are back in place, because your shorts fell down, but there was nothing to see, because everything was twisted so tight. Marvin, it's time to get the lady back to her former shape; I preferred it.”
While the unwinding took place, Harold tried to explain to Marvin that because Vanessa's top was not attached to the shorts, the twist had not involved the clothing so the inward compression was not counteracted by the tension in the clothes. Concluding that it would work much better if the twistee was wearing a dress or something like a leotard. After three return orbits of the cabinets, Harold unlatched the doors and told Vanessa that she could get out when she was ready and her outfit was in the right place.
Vanessa took several minutes to adjust her clothes before exiting the cabinet. “Ok, I get if my waist is shrink down a lot my shorts would fall down, but how come my bra was on backwards?”
Marvin looked at Harold, with puzzlement in his expression only to be met with a very similar expression. “I wish I knew,” Harold offered, “It wasn't an intended effect of the illusion, but at least it didn't disappear, or we'd owe you a bra. I hope it's not too uncomfortable.”
“It's not all that uncomfortable, but it feels odd. I'll go behind the screen and sort it out as I put my dress back on.” Vanessa collected the remains of her bottle and chocolate bar, as she headed for the screen. She chugged the remains of the water and put the bottle down outside the screened off area and then was hidden from view.
Soon Vanessa reappeared looking more comfortable. “You two were remarkably quiet while I was changing. You're not telepathic or something?”
Marvin spoke. “No, definitely not telepathic, and we can't read minds either.”
“I don't know about Marvin, but I'm blown away with how well you are coping with being part of the magic.” Marvin nodded his agreement with the sentiment. “I was hoping you had enjoyed this afternoon enough to want to come back sometime and do some more.”
“That sounds good to me, but I can't do next weekend (family stuff), so call me some time next week and we'll see what we can arrange, because I am excited to see how deep this magical rabbit hole goes. So, I'll be hearing from you, right? My number is in your phone.”
Vanessa finished the last piece of her chocolate bar and tossed the wrapper into the bin, grabbed her bag and left.
Marvin and Harold stared at each other, until they heard Vanessa's car leave.
“So, you're going to call her, right?” asked Marvin.
“I guess I'll have to, because she forgot to leave me her email address, so I can't send her the videos I took on my phone, until I've got that. And maybe we can have a bit of fun when we meet again.”