Me and my big mouth; I'd like to blame Teri and Joan for inviting me to the magic show, but I could have just said 'no', but I didn't.

The magician, who went by the name Simon the Sorcerer (over the top name if you ask me), proved that he was an excellent performer, but most of the time I could spot when things changed from the expected situation to 'magical' situation. I could easily tell when the card selected by an audience participant and re-inserted into the deck was back out of the deck and secreted in his back pocket, or the moment when the top hat went from being empty to housing a white rabbit. In short, his performance skills and audience rapport were great, but unfortunately the technical aspects of the act were lacking.

The larger illusions, as far as I knew, were off the shelf effects, enhanced by the acting abilities of his assistant, Bernice. It was evident to me that these effects were well rehearsed, but not much more than demonstrations of the props.

Towards the end of the show, Simon requested a couple of audience members to take part in the final illusion. Naturally, Teri, who had organised this trip, was immediately standing up and waving to be one of the picked volunteers. I said, probably too loud, “Why do you want to go up on stage? All you'll probably get to do is look inside the boxes and tap some blades, or such like, to proof they are solid.”

I guess I was loud enough for the magician to hear. He called out to Teri, “You in the yellow dress, would you like to come up and bring your friend with the blue jacket; and I assure you that you and she will get to do more then check out boxes and blades.”

Teri gave the typical 'are you sure?' gesture, that seems to go with people who unexpected have their desires come true and are suddenly less sure of whether they want to fulfil the dream. It also seemed to rankle with her that I was being invited to join her, despite doing the opposite of volunteering; she wanted the limelight for herself.

For me it was 'put up or shut up' time. It seemed that more of the audience had heard my comment than I would have liked and would be happy to see me have to eat my words. The whole auditorium seemed excited to see me humiliated by doing whatever extra stuff the next trick involved (My initial guess was being asked to put on a silly costume to fit the theme of the illusion which awaited us behind the closed curtain).

Teri was still excited to get involved with whatever the magician had planned, and, it appeared, had decided that she would rather have a friend with her than a total stranger. I also suspect that she thought I would not be seeking out the limelight for myself, so more for her. She grabbed my hand and before I could object (if objection had been possible at that point) I was half way down the aisle to the steps accessing the stage.

At the top of the steps we were greeted by Bernice, who told us to react as normally as we could, while a technician fitted microphones to us; Teri's dangled on a sort of makeshift necklace just below the dip at the bottom of her throat; mine got clipped to the button band of my blouse.

After this Bernice guided us to the middle of the stage where Simon waited. There followed some introductory chat, obviously meant to assure the rest of the audience that we weren't planted among them and give the sound guy a chance to adjust the levels on our mikes.

“How's it going so far?” he asked me.

“Well, I haven't been asked to check out any boxes or thump any blades, yet,” I replied.

“Let's remedy that situation, shall we?” Either that was a cue or whoever was operating the curtains was on the ball, because the curtains opened to show what awaited us. On the stage were two boxes about big enough for a person to sit inside and two racks of swords. “So, here we have some boxes and blades for you to check out, while I explain to the rest of the audience what I have planned.”

I admit that I didn't pay much attention to what he was saying, because my mindset at the time was if I am going to inspect the props, they are going to be inspected to with an inch of their existences. Naturally I went to the box that was nearest me, while Teri went to the other which was on her side of the stage. The box was simple enough; bottom, back and two sides made of wood with some slots cut into them. The remaining two sides (front and top) were leaning against the box and had metal fitting down the edges, which would slide into metal tracks in the corresponding edges of the open box. The constructed part of the box got a thorough check from me, which included thumping each panel and pulling on the corners to see if they came apart. It then picked up the loose panels and thumped them too.

I next went over to the array of sword-like objects on their stand and pick one at random to check; avoiding the big fancy one in the centre and the two at the extreme ends, which I assumed would be meant to pass inspection while the others were ignored. I was soon convinced that the blade I held was a solid metal bar shaped to look a bit like a sword, but the only part that seemed to have any sharpness was the point. I measured the sword against the box and found that it was long enough to go from side to side, but a little short of the box's longest diagonal.

As replaced the sword in the rack, I heard the magician announce, “So it is time to show you, Teri and Freda, what I like to call my 'pro-am sword boxes'.”

At the sound of my name I looked up from checking that the blade of the sword was solidly attached to the handle. “Sorry, I was busy checking stuff like you asked; and like I was expecting. Did you say something?”

“Yes,” confirmed Simon. “It's time get started with the actual illusion, which, in case you missed it, I called 'pro-am sword boxes'. That is, unless you have found something suspicious about the equipment that you have been inspecting.”

“The only suspicious thing I can find about this stuff is that there does not seem to be anything fishy about anything.”

“Glad to hear that! It may be obvious that Bernice and I are the professionals; and you, Freda and Teri are the amateurs. That is, unless either of you are magicians or assistants; even in an amateur capacity.”

Teri took this chance to get some of the limelight she craved. “I'm mostly a housewife, but I work part-time in a shop. Freda is a receptionist at an office. We know each other, because we play badminton at the same club.”

“I thought you ladies looked fit and flexible. Now as in most pro-am set-ups, the professionals get split up and the amateurs get take on the role of the missing partner of the professional they get partnered with. So, Teri. Do you want to paired with Bernice as her magician or with me as my assistant?”

For a moment I wondered why I was not being given the choice. I quickly dawned on me that, if Teri had more than an ounce of sense (which I knew she did), she would recognise these as sword boxes and not want to be the assistant inside, even if it was the professional putting the swords through the box, in addition to wanting to be seen doing something impressive. This would leave me in the hands of the magician with all the potential humiliation that implied.

It turned out that Teri was quicker at these calculations than I was and volunteered to be Bernice's magician and 'allow' me to be Simon's temporary assistant and find out how it was really done. I could have slapped her; she put us in this position by volunteering in the first place, surely she should take the direst consequences. I did nothing more than give her a sour look, but perhaps I might find out how the trick was done.

“Given that we have the 'pro-am' setup, there will, of course be some competition between the teams. On your left your have The Terrific Teri and her assistant, Bernice the brave. And on this side of the stage, I am Simon the Sorcerer with my debutante assistant, Freda the fearless.

“Because Teri and Freda are new to this I shall be providing instructions as we go along. First, assistants please sit inside your boxes!”

“Aren't we going to get a bit of instruction beforehand or take us away to change into some costumes or something?” I objected. There was no way I was getting in that box without, at least, some idea of the intended sequence of events and how I was going to avoid being injured.

“Like I said, I'll be providing instructions as we go along. As to costumes; do you think we have space in our costume trunks for a costume for every possible volunteer. Besides, I'm sure you'd be pointing out that if the volunteer gets a costume that fits, they must be a plant.”

I guess he had me there. “But I don't want my clothes damaged.”

“Well, I was about to suggest that you take off your jacket, because it will make things a bit more difficult for you, but other than that, your clothes are completely safe.”

I took off my jacket and handed it to him. I noted that Bernice was already sitting in her box, seeming to take up more space than I would have expected. She and Teri were waiting for the next stage of the illusion; I felt a bit guilty for holding things up, but I was not getting into that box with a better assurance that I would be safe.

I felt vulnerable in the light blouse that I was wearing under my jacket. I figured that attack is the best form of defence, so I said, “I suppose you want me to take off my shoes too.” I immediately regretted this, because he agreed that my shoes should remain outside the box, and, worse, he praised my enthusiasm and the way I was getting into the spirit of the challenge, which would make it more difficult to back out at a later stage. I shed my low heels and found something more to regret; I had expected that nobody would be seeing my feet, so had not painted my toenails. The magician spotted this and pointed them out to the audience as another piece of evidence that I was an unprepared audience volunteer. I considered objected to term 'volunteer', as I had not willingly been put in this position, but I was becoming of conscious of Teri and Bernice waiting on the other side of the stage; even if the audience were amused by 'unwilling volunteer' antics, they would tire of it soon.

One last gambit. “You said my clothes would be 'completely safe', will I be 'completely safe' too.”

“Of course; now get in the box!” The audience laughed, but they were waiting for me to get in the box; or run away screaming so that someone else could volunteer.

I took a step forward to look in the front of the box containing Bernice. I was looking for some hint of how to fit myself into the box, so that I did not end up with the swords that I had just inspected poking through me. She was sat sideways in the box with her knees up to her chest and her head resting on her knees smiling for the few members of the audience that were not willing me to make a decision and get on with it.

Being the assistant in the box was more than just checking a few props, I had to admit; but it was a role I would gladly pass to someone more willing. I suddenly made a decision that surprised even me; I stepped into the box and tried to sit in the pose that I had seen Bernice in. This turned out to be a bit more challenging than I anticipated, because Bernice seemed to fill her box and I was a good two inches taller and another few inches further round. I was forced to admit defeat and step back out of the box and sit into it, then turn sideways.

While I was finalising my position, the magician was instructing Teri to pick up one of the panels and slide it into the slots at the top of her box. He was also demonstrating how this was done with the box I had barely gotten into. I can't imagine that Bernice had much room for manoeuvre, but I had less, and soon had my head jammed between the top of the box and my knees.

I had little time to fidget around to try to get a little less uncomfortable, when it went dark. The magician was sliding the front of the box and encouraging Teri to do the same.

At this point, I was expecting to be shown a way out of the box. I imagined the bottom dropping out of the box and me falling onto a mattress, then Bernice swearing me to secrecy and showing how to get back into the other box, so that when Teri opened up her box it was me inside. This relied on me having missed an escape hatch in my thorough inspection of the box; I knew it for the comforting fiction it was.

My next thought was that while I could not see what was going on the magician would substituting the swords for fake ones and was going to 'toy with the heckler' for the audience's amusement and his revenge.

My musings were cut short. I heard a thump, which I could only assume was the magician slapping a sword on the top of the box. Reflexively, I asked, “What was that? Whatever it was it was loud.”

I heard the audience laugh and only then did I remember that I was wearing a microphone.

“I was just demonstrating that the sword was solid; you weren't exactly specific when you said that things were ok.”

I did not reply, because I was already regretting exchanging my seat in the auditorium for this much less padded box on stage.

“Teri, it's time to insert the first swords; get three and lay them on the top of the box, then, in turn, push them into the slots down the front edge of the box, so that they come out the corresponding slots on the other side. Freda, you might want to lean against the back of the box while I do this.”

There were three light thuds followed by a scrape as one of the swords, that had placed on the lid that my ear was pressed against, was picked back up. Moments later I saw the tip of a sword enter through the top slot near the front. Despite feeling that I ought to be doing my best not to cooperate with the magician, I took his advice and squashed myself as best I could to the rear of the box. I soon realised that the sword was not at all dangerous, because he was pushing it in in such a manner that the tip scraped along the inside of the box front; it must have been about six inches from my face. Once across, the point bumped into the corner. He pulled it back an inch, it lined up with the opposite slot and then got pushed through.

The next sword was picked up and was pushed through; I hear the tip tap against the box front before it exited, but did not see it until it was most of the way across. It slid out through the middle slot with no trouble.

The third sword came through below the previous two; I could not see it, but it was easily tracked by the bumps it made between being lifted from the box top until it was in place. I heard it tap the wall beside its exit slot, a grating noise at its entry slot told me that it had been pulled back an inch or so, then I felt something touch my hip. I immediately knew that he had touched me with the sword to get a reaction, but not soon enough to avoid reacting. I squeaked like I had been stabbed before I could stop myself.

He acted concerned, but not before finishing putting the tip of the sword out through its exit hole.

“I felt the sword touch me,” I yelled. “At least it didn't stab me.” I decided to add a complaint to cover my disappointment in myself at being baited into noise. “It's very cramped in here and getting a bit stuffy.”

“I have a plan that will relieve the stuffiness a bit, but hang on in there.” He added in a whisper that I hoped the audience could not hear, “you'd better budge up towards the front because the next few swords with be coming through at the back of the box.”

I shifted my weight towards the front of the box, soon feeling the three swords that crossed the inside of the front panel against my upper arm and shin. While I moved to avoid the additional swords, Simon gave some instructions to Teri, but not being directed at the box I was in, I did not hear them enough to know what was said over the shuffling noises I was making.

The insertion of the rear three swords was a repeat of the front three. The fact I was facing away from where I could hear them bump across the back panel of the box made me more nervous, because I would have even less warning if Simon decided to touch me with one of the blades. When the inevitable happened and a sword brushed against my shin, I called out, “Hey, Buckaroo! Be more careful where you're shoving those things!” As I heard the final sword-tip exit the box, I said, “Are you going to do something about the ventilation in here, like you said?”

“Well, we'll start by opening the front so that everyone can see how we are doing so far; that'll let some fresh air in.” There was the slide of metal on metal as Simon lifted the front panel up along its guide rails. I could not get out, because the swords were barring the way. I could have slid the swords sideways, but I did not think of that at the time. What I did was reach my arm through between the bars and wave to the audience to show I was alright so far.

This minimal freedom of movement did not last long, because Simon introduced a replacement for the wooden panel he had removed. There were two positives to the replacement; it was clear so I was not in the near dark that I had started in, and the there were several holes and slots that seemed to allow for better air circulation. The downside was that I could be seen in my predicament; at that point I felt that it would be less embarrassing to be in the box unseen, than on show.

I quickly noticed that there were slots in the clear front to my box that had not been in the original wooden front panel. While some of these could be air-holes, some looked suspiciously like the slots in the sides that allowed swords to enter the box. My suspicions were confirmed when he instructed Teri to start putting the next set of swords through the slots near the sides at the back of the box. A stage whisper, told me to squeeze my back forward so that the swords could pass behind me.

There was more inserted swords tapping against the side of the box behind me, as I tried to make myself more compact than I already was. This time each of the three sword tapped and scraped along the side panel my back had been against until it reached about half way the the magician moved the sword to rub against my back until it got close the clear front of the box then he adjusted the aim of the sword tip to exit through its designated slot. I was grateful that swords did not have an edge that could cut, but building up a grudge against Teri for helping get me into this situation.

Three swords behind me were followed by three sword across the opposite face of the box, for which I had to squeeze my calves harder against my thighs and my thighs harder against my chest.

After the first dozen swords I had less than an inch of space in any direction, although my forearms had an extra half inch of space between the lower pairs of lateral swords at the front and back. I tried to remember how many swords there had been in the rack. I was sure that there were more than the dozen that already took up space in the box with me and that did not included the big sword that had pride of place in the middle of the rack.

I felt movement. The casters under the box had been unlocked and the magician was wheeling me about so that everyone got a clear looked at my packed in predicament. “As you can see Freda has done very well to avoid the swords that have gone into the box so far”, he announced. “Knock on your box Teri and we'll see if Bernice has done as well.”

Teri tapped her knuckles on the top of the other box, which resulted in Bernice's hand emerging from a hole in the centre of the upper surface, giving a cheery wave, before retreating back into the box. I think Simon made a point of turning me to face the other box that Teri was performing with so that I could see it, but I was unsure of why. Was it to show me that Bernice was ok? Or, more likely in my mind, to show me that his assistant was doing better and acting happier than me, even with an inexperienced magician? My main thought was 'how in hell did she manage to get her hand through the hole in the centre?'

“Now we come to the most dangerous part of this illusion.” The magician moved my box back to its starting point and I heard one of the casters being locked. “It's the final seven swords. We'll start with the ones that go from side-to-side.”

I tried to remember how the slots in the sides of the box were arranged. I came up with a three by three pattern which meant the path from the central column of slots to the one side to the other went straight through me. “Hey! Hold your horses! I'm still in here! How am I meant to not get impaled?”

The magician came into my view. “If you had been paying attention when I was describing what we were going to be doing, instead of making such a meal of checking the box and sword for trapdoors, hidden elephants and the like, you'd know. That is not a little ironic, because part of the reason that you were picked to come up was that you didn't want to inspect the equipment.” From the giggles that heard from the audience I guessed that he was lying, but I could not be sure, because I was concentrating on other things at the time.

“I can't wait to discuss it; Teri already has the first sword in and getting her second. I promised that neither you or your clothes would harmed, but I did not say at any time that you would not feel a sword going through you.”

I felt a sword tip touch my lower back. It felt as sharp as the one I had checked. I screamed, “Stop it!” The audience barely heard what I said, because some sound technician did not want to have the speakers damaged, so had muted my microphone. The magician definitely heard, but that did not stop him.

At first, I thought that he had stopped with the point of the sword pressed against my back, but moments later I felt a similar sensation in my belly, then my blouse pulled away from me, until I heard a rip. This was followed by my skirt being pulled against the fronts of my thighs, rip, my skirt being pulled away from the backs of my thighs, rip, and finally a tug on my stockings a little above my ankle and a scrape that indicated the tip of the sword had exited though the slot in the side on the box that my body was facing. What little wiggle room I had disappeared.

I did not cry out, mostly from the shock of what had happened, but also because of the lack of pain. I was also concentrating on not moving, because, in the moment I thought that I had sharp points pressed against me and I did not want to be scratched. My thought processes were in a shambles; I was thinking, 'How dare he shove a sword through me?' and 'I'd better not move, because I'm squeezed between two sharp points'.

The next thing I know is, there is another point against my back a couple of inches above the first. Then in quick succession, the feel of another point against my chest, my blouse tugs away from my chest for a fraction of a second, rip, my down-pointing ear hears a quiet sound as the sword rubs against the stocking on my right leg above, then below my right knee and the scrape of the sword exiting the box.

“What's going …?” was as far as I got, before I heard another blade enter the box. In the next second and a half I felt sharp points near the top of my bent over neck and at the top of my head. I quickly discovered that I could move my lips, but my tongue was paralysed. At this point my first concern was that my tongue might flop backward and block my breathing; I tried swallowing, but it did not move. My second worry was that I could not form words, although in the process of trying I did manage an inarticulate grunt.

The magician seemed unconcerned by this and unlocked the wheels under the box to show my pierced predicament, before noting my inability to talk and asking me to wave with my visible hand and blink my eyes. I did as requested, but not because the magician told me to; I wanted to assure the audience, the few I could see in the front row in the light that spilled from the stage looked shocked and worried. I tried to wave to them in particular.

As I was moved about I glimpsed Bernice's box and relieved expression on Teri's face when the assistant's hand popped out of the box and waved.

After displaying me like some prize butterfly, my box was returned to its previous position and I heard the light thud of three more swords being placed on top of my impaled predicament. Imagine my horror when he slid one of those swords from on top and offered it up to the lowest slot in the middle of the clear front of my box, While telling Teri that she should do the same. I tried to make a squawk of protest, but no sound came out. The sword slid in, rip from my skirt, a point pressed against my upper thigh, a tug on the top of my stocking, another prick, this time high on the inside of the other thigh and a final rip as the tip of the sword slipped through the matching slit at the back, before the gentle tap of the swords hilt against the front panel. The next sword was pushed through in the central slot and in addition to the sequence I just described, but mid-thigh, I felt it snag my blouse at chest height. “And now for the penultimate sword,” the magician announced. Looking over to see how Teri was doing, he picked up the third sword that had been put on top of my box, then disappeared from my view.

I soon found out what he planned, when I heard the sword being located in the upper middle slot at the rear of the box, behind my head. I was hit in the top of my neck, before I could have object, had I the ability to. Moments later, I saw the sword extending to the upper middle slot in the front panel of my box. Equally quickly, I found I could not close my mouth because the blade seemed to be coming out of it.

Simon paused for the applause and the picked up the final broader sword and asked Teri to do the same. He counted to three and then thrust it downward through the centre of my box. It hit me in the side of my neck near the top and passed through to partially emerge at the front of the base of my neck and it felt like it was cutting down the front of my torso and ripping the front of my blouse in the process. It slowed fractionally as it bumped into the base of the box before finding the slot and going through. I was once more displayed to the audience.

“You can all see how Freda is doing. Shall we see how Bernice is?”

The magician parked my box so that I could see what was happening then went to help Teri remove all the swords that penetrated Bernice's box from front to back. When the front panel was removed, we saw Bernice wound around the swords through her box in such a manner it was clear that none of the remaining swords we through, although her contortions did raise the question of how she had been in there with the extra nine swords that had been taken out to allow the front panel to slid up and out of the way.

The magician went to the side of the stage and collected a large cloth that had rods in the top edge. This he rested on the front edge of Bernice's box and then helped Teri to climb on top of the box. He handed her the rods that held the cloth and told her to raise it and then lower it. Most of the cloth rested on the top, until Teri had raised it to head height, at which point the magician tugged the bottom hem so that it dropped to cover the open (bar three swords) front of the box.

Teri was told to lower it to waist height, then raise it again. When she did this as soon as she had disappeared from view behind the cloth, it lowered to reveal that Bernice was now standing on the box. She tossed the cloth down to the floor, to show Teri somehow inside the box woven around the swords in the same manner Bernice had been. The magician made quick work of pulling out all the nine swords through the sides of the box with my friend in and then the final big one out of the top. The assistant helped Teri crawl out of the box and regain her feet.

“It's time to get Freda out of her box too.” I had half expected that the three of them would make short work of extracting the swords through the box I was in, but then I heard the magician leap onto the lid of my box, while seeing the assistant collect the cloth and arrange it on the front of the lid. I had the idea that the magician would swap places with me.

The front of the box was covered by the cloth, then suddenly I was standing on top of the box between the arms of the magician. Going from tightly curled to standing up effected my sense of balance, not to mention the realisation that my clothes were probably ruined, despite assurances to the contrary. I stumbled and my foot slipped from the top of the box, so I fell on to the cloth and took it with me as I dropped onto the stage. It could have been a lot worse if I had not landed on the cloth, in the end I twisted my ankle, but the initial pain was tempered by seeing the box I had been in criss-crossed with swords that there was no way I could have avoided while in the box. Between the pain from my ankle and the astonishment at the sword-riddled box, it took me a while to notice that my clothes were undamaged.

Once the magician had determined that I was not seriously injured, beyond my pride, he called for extra applause for 'his brave volunteers' and had Bernice and Teri help me limp back to my seat.