The Dastardly Uncle - Act 3

At the end of the interval, we left Giselle who seemed happy sitting in a wheel chair with her head in her lap and her detached feet tucked down beside her thighs. Alicia went to one side of the stage where she was promised that Mr Fanshaw, magician and producer of this play, but also playing the villain, would meet her for the final act. I went to the other on the instructions of Clive, the instructing voice in my ear.

As the curtain opened I could tell that the set on stage was intended to be a dis-used factory or lumber-mill; the backdrop depicted a large hall with all kinds of machinery, each of a vague and undefined purpose. At the back of the actual stage was the only real piece of machinery, which consisted of a conveyor heading towards a large circular saw with a console beside it that was evidently intended to control it.

As I watched from the wings, Alicia was dragged onto the stage by Mr Fanshaw, using the same rope wrapped around the wrists that he had used on Giselle during the previous act. Mr Fanshaw attempted to monologue the plot so far; which was that he was the 'dastardly uncle' of the play's title who was planning to kill his nieces, so that he could get his hands on the fortune they were due to inherit. He also lamented the fact that Dean, my character, had heard him talking about it earlier which had meant he had to get on with it, before the authorities were informed. He congratulated himself that he had got rid of the younger sister, Florence, that Giselle had been playing, by tying her to the rail-tracks and waiting for the 4:59 to execute the girl and his plan. He also seemed pleased to have captured Debra, played by Alicia, who was my character's sweetheart and my oldest step-sister.

This monologue did not go uninterrupted, because Alicia was playing the role of the feisty lady victim to the hilt; alternately telling Mr Fanshaw that he would not get away with it and telling him how evil he was. Alicia was using a mix of era-appropriate phrases, which the voice in her ear would have supplied and some startlingly up-to-date epithets. She was not allowing the fact that her wrists were supposedly bound for getting in the way of gesturing broadly, to the point that she occasionally dropped the rope and then hastily picked it up, once the gesture was complete; the audience found this highly amusing, which encouraged her to do it more. Mr Fanshaw was obviously in on the game as after the first couple of times, he would twitch the rope away when Alicia went to pick it up.

With the audience updated on the plot, Mr Fanshaw dragged Debra away to find a suitably creative way to put an end to her life, so that the money would be his.

The stage was empty for my entrance. I said what I was told to say in my own words, but borrowing the occasional phrase from the script, provided into my ear by Clive. I told how Debra had been captured and that I had followed Mr Fanshaw to this deserted factory. I told how I was certain that Mr Fanshaw and Debra were here, because I had found his car hidden out back and one of Debra's hair-grips on the ground beside it. I promised the audience that I would rescue Alicia (Yes, I dropped a wrong name, but this time deliberately) and see that Mr Fanshaw faced justice for his crimes.

I exited and Mr Fanshaw entered. He told the audience that Debra had been tied up in the basement of the factory until he had decided which of these machines would do the dirty work for him. He turned his attention to the buzzsaw contraption on stage. He pulled a few levers on the console and the blade whirled into life and the conveyor leading up to it started to move. Soon a log came down the conveyor. Levers were pushed and the log stopped a yard or so from the spinning blade, which also shut down.

I had a feeling that I knew what was planned and hoped that either I was able to prevent it or Alicia would enjoy the experience to a similar extent as my other step-sisters had enjoyed being beheaded.

My speculations did not get much further, because something else was happening on the stage. Petra had entered, still in the maid uniform of her character Imogen, but she seemed a little indistinct. She was also carrying her head under her arm. She seemed to enjoy telling Mr Fanshaw how evil he was and that she would haunt him until his dying day and then kick him all the way to hell, where she would supervise his punishment.

Mr Fanshaw did not seem in the mood to take this lying down. He picked up a steel bar and tried to hit her with it.

It had no effect, because it seemed to pass through Petra unimpeded, causing Mr Fanshaw to lose his balance and fall over. My youngest step-sister took the chance to gloat, but was evidently very close to breaking into a fit of laughter.

The ghost of Imogen told Mr Fanshaw to be prepared for many sleepless nights and gave him a kick that did not connect, but sent a shiver through his body, before leaving the stage. She seemed to have had a great time, especially as after the first few exchanges the audience were vocal in the approval of Imogen's plans to ruin Mr Fanshaw's life.

As Mr Fanshaw departed saying he was going to fetch Debra. Clive told me to enter as if I had seen Mr Fanshaw acting erratically as if he had been hearing voices, rather than talking to a ghost maid. I said, "He may be the villain of the piece, but I, kind of, pity him if the stress of plotting is going to sent him to the lunatic asylum for talking to people that aren't there." Clive even congratulated me for putting it so clearly and in character. I was told to familiarise myself with the control console for the buzzsaw. This did not take much as there were only two controls; an on-off lever for the saw blade and the other lever than did forward, stop and reverse on the conveyor. I wondered out loud about what Mr Fanshaw's plan was without saying what I thought the plan was. I hoped to get the audience to think about what Mr Fanshaw had planned, but not know if I was going to put enough of a spanner in the works to foil the plan. I exited saying that I would hide nearby in the hope that I could rescue 'Alicia, oops, sorry, Debra' without having to confront Mr Fanshaw.

Mr Fanshaw entered again, with Alicia in tow and began tying her to the log while in full gloat. I was expecting that there would be skeins of rope used, but he laid her on the log and drove in some huge staples to trap her ankles either side of the log on the end nearest the saw and her wrists at the other end. Finally, he hammered in a couple of spikes either side of her waist, gloating that he did not want her to fall off the log before the dirty deed was done, because that would be too easy; the audience groaned, causing Mr Fanshaw to smile, before returning to his snarling leer.

I was given the cue to return to the stage. I did so, shouting, "Unhand that woman, you varlet!"

Mr Fanshaw looked shocked, but when he had noted to the audience that I was unarmed, he sidled to the buzzsaw's control panel and pulled the lever to start the blade. I spotted the steel bar that he had tried to swat Imogen's ghost with. Then, in what hoped would be a suitably telegraphed move, I lunged for it. I got there marginally before the villain, but did not have enough control to prevent him taking a hold on it too.

We stood there for a frozen moment, both with a hand on the steel bar and snarls on our faces. In my ear, Clive was telling me that this was a 'free for all' brawl, but not to hurt anyone; and that my aim was to get to the controls and shut the machine down, while Mr Fanshaw would be trying to get back to the controls and complete his plan.

After some to and fro trying to get control of the only weapon, Mr Fanshaw lost his grip and I took the chance to swing it at him, he deftly dodged and I followed the weight of the bar round until I had my back to him. He took the opportunity presented and grabbed my collar and kicked me.

The kick was not hard (barely a tap) so it took me a moment to react to it properly, by stumbling forward. The delay between action and reaction and then my abysmal acting of it, got a laugh from the audience. I also managed to drop the bar, but was glad to see it fall off the edge of the stage.

Mr Fanshaw had used my stumble as a chance to return to the console and pull the conveyor lever. Alicia and the log began to creep towards the saw blade that was now whirling at full speed. Alicia had been watching the fight so far with some amusement, but when she felt the jolt of the log starting to move towards the saw, she screamed, which triggered some screams from the audience.

Seeing the immediate danger, I ran and barrelled into Mr Fanshaw, who deftly stepped aside, so I had to use the buzzsaw console to stop myself. A side-effect of this was to nudge the conveyor lever another notch faster.

I did not get the chance to retrieve my error, because Mr Fanshaw grabbed me by the shoulder, turned me to face him, then punched me in the face, but a foot upstage. Reminded that this was a stage fight, I stumbled backward, accidentally pushing the conveyor lever again; yes this nudge was also really accidental.

The reactions of the audience seemed to be very mixed. Some were cheering the fight that was taking place, other were laughing at my inept attempts to react appropriately or even in a timely manner to Mr Fanshaw's attacks; then there those that were screaming and tearful at the young woman riding a log on a conveyor towards a spinning buzzsaw.

Moments later I lost all awareness of the audience and that I was part of a play. This coincided with the sound of the buzzsaw blade going from the breathy whisper that it had so far, and turning into a scream as it connected with the log.

I made increasingly desperate efforts to get to controls and stop the saw from touching my step-sister. Even with Clive in my ear reminding me that this was all a stage show and that nobody would get hurt, I threw Mr Fanshaw aside and pulled on the lever, but instead of managing to stop or even reverse the movement of the log, I was pushed by the villain and rolled across the console breaking off both levers.

By this stage the buzzsaw was beginning to pluck at the hem of the costume dress that Alicia was wearing. I landed on my feet and darted behind the console where I found a thick and sawdust-covered cable which I tugged at with the strength of desperation.

There was a frozen moment where everything seemed to go silent, despite the saw cutting the log, this was followed by a short scream from Alicia who then went limp. Nothing else seemed to happen until the log on the conveyor had transported my eldest step-sister through the whirling saw. I can not be quite sure if I am remembering it right, but I think she was smiling and winked at me.

Then the curtains closed.

----------

Suddenly, we were surrounded by people. Mr Fanshaw grabbed my hand, leading me to the front of the stage, while Petra walked on still looking semi-transparent and carrying her head, and one of the wardrobe ladies wheeled Giselle into place. The curtain swished open showing is to the audience. Me and Mister Fanshaw in the middle with Petra and Giselle on either side and the two halves of Alicia still on their halves of the log outside them.

Mr Fanshaw announced the end of the show and invited the members of the public to meet us afterwards.

The curtain closed again and we were lead to a room, where after about five minutes the public were let in to talk to us and get a first-hand account of our experiences. Another fifteen minutes later my steps were taken away, then returned back to normal and in the clothes that they had arrived for the performance in. We caught a taxi to motel, where the girls stayed up chatting, but I went straight to bed and dreamt weird dreams.

----------

In the morning we returned home and got home about eleven.

We entered the kitchen, to find my step-dad preparing lunch. "How was Uncle Fanshaw?" he asked.

Alicia answered, "Awesome as ever; we had a great time."

"And how is cousin Clive?"

"He wasn't there," replied Petra, "but he was following things via the internet from uni."

"So who played the part of Dean, then?"

"George did," said Alicia. "And he did a fantastic job of it to; he was very good at the romantic bits and during the final fight scene, he fought like a demon to try an stop me getting to the buzzsaw. Uncle Fanshaw had to pull the broken levers stunt, and even then George did not give up."

"I'm glad you all had fun," my step-dad said.