The Dastardly Uncle: Intro

I wish I knew who had sent us the tickets to the theatre, because I want to thank them for giving us the most wonder experience to look back on. I also want to bloody their nose and black both their eyes for putting us through it.

The letter with the tickets was addressed to me, George, and invited me and my three step-sisters to attend the performance of a play called The Dastardly Uncle, which when I tried to look it up seemed to have no profile at all on the internet; all I found was one newspaper review that it was 'a magical melodrama full of twists and turns'; this review was somewhat short-circuited by the inclusion of a disclaimer from the editor that the reviewer was not their regular reviewer.

The date did not prove to be any obstacle when I presented this to 'the steps'. They were of the opinion that if it turned out to be good it would be worth going and if the review I had found proved to be inaccurate, they could easily leave and move onto a club that was near the theatre, so that the evening would not be a wash-out.

Convincing the parents was also easy, my mother and their father were seriously in lust with each other, even after a year, and the chance to get us out of the house, under the guise of a cultural event of dubious pedigree, was welcomed; they even booked us rooms at the local motel, to make sure we did not disturb whatever they got up to when we were not there.

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On the evening we had dressed respectably before the taxi turned up. I was in a suit and a bow tie, and the girls were in dresses of sufficient formality to be termed gowns. The taxi took us to a restaurant for a pre-show meal and then we walked the short distance to the theatre.

When we got to the theatre we found on entering the foyer that the true title of the play was "The Dastardly Uncle: A play without a cast". We decided not to pay out for the overpriced pamphlet they called a program and with ten minutes to show-time went to find our seats. These were a row of four near the back of the theatre, but the usher assured us that we would be able to see all that we needed to see.

The first section consisted of a magician performing a few tricks. At one point he throw a beach ball into the audience and I happened to be holding it when the music stopped. I got invited to go up on stage and the magician levitated a small table in front of me and I could not see how it was done. When the table levitation was done, he handed the table to a stage hand and addressed the audience.

"You may have been wondering what me doing a few tricks on stage has to do with the play you came to see."

I know I was wondering and I guess from the reaction of the audience they were too.

"The reason for this seemingly unrelated introduction is because of the subtitle of this production. This is not called 'A play with a cast' for nothing, because I am the producer, writer and I will be playing the villain, the rest of the parts will be filled by members of the audience. The magical shenanigans were to find out who would make good members of the cast of the play so that they will enjoy the experience of acting out a play for an appreciative audience, even if their appreciation only extends to being thankful that they weren't chose to take part."

"George, here, has been selected to be the leading man in this simple play."

I considered objecting, but could not and did not want to make my initial feelings known. I had been on stage before through choice, the primary school nativity play did not count, but I had been in a production of 'Joseph' playing the Pharaoh, trying to lip-synch to the recording and remember my moves. I felt that the time had come to try being on stage again,especially as it was only one night and if I ruined the show it was not really my fault; they should have chosen someone else.

In the time it had taken to decide that I would be going along with this, the magician/producer had explained that the make-shift cast would be provided with costumes and earpieces; these would give us instructions and the lines of dialogue. He also suggested that if we thought of a better line we might use that, so long as it did not derail the play.

"George here is our leading man, now to complete our cast we need some ladies, three to be precise. George do you know any ladies in the audience? It will be much better if there is already some chemistry between the leading lady and you."

"Well, I've got my three step-sisters with me. I get on with them pretty well, maybe they'd like to take part; or is that take parts?"

"I don't think you have a career in comedy, young man, but nice try. Would George's sisters like to make themselves known, please." In the seats next to mine, Alicia and Giselle got up immediately and waved before bullying Petra to stand too. "Would you please give a hand to three lovely volunteers, while they come up onto the stage."

Alicia and Giselle walked purposefully to the stage, Petra was less enthusiastic, but came along because of peer-pressure and Alicia's hand round her wrist.

After the round of introductions, the magician said, "Petra, you don't seem as up for this as your sisters."

"I'm not," she said plainly, "but I'll do it, because my sisters seem to want me to be a part of it."

"Ah! The show must go on; a great attitude. How about I give the smallest and simplest part?" When Petra smiled at the prospect, he added, "You will be taking the role of Imogen, the maid. If you go that way someone will give you a costume to put on and fit you with the earpiece and mike. We'll see you soon."

The man turned to me. "Sorry, I almost forgot to tell you, George, that you are hero of this tale, Dean, and boyfriend to Debra and foiling the plans of Mr Fanshaw, played by me. Debra has a sister, called Florence." Turning to Alicia and Giselle, he asked, "Does either of you have a preference for playing Debra or Florence?"

The girls were indecisive. He said, "It will involve hugging and kissing George in his role as Dean." I think that he hoped that one of my step-sisters either had a crush on me or some aversion to kissing me. This did not help him as both have a mild crush on their big step-brother. He looked at me, in the hope that I would make the decision, but if I expressed any preference, I felt sure that the other would be offended and I did not want that to cloud the upcoming days of summer holiday. I shook my head.

"Ok, which one of you is older?" he asked. Alicia admitted to being older than Giselle and got assigned the role of Debra, leaving the part of Florence to my middle step. They were soon directed to follow where Petra had gone to find costumes, microphones and earpieces.

I made a move to follow them to be supplied with an outfit and stuff, but the man stopped me, saying that my current costume would be perfect for the role and would fit me better, because he usually ended up with larger men filling the role of Dean. He only had one quibble with my clothes and that was the Dean should wear a long tie, instead of a bow tie. He headed for the wings, where he met a stage hand who handed him some things, the most obvious of which was a black and white striped tie, which he slung over his shoulder.

He quickly returned and handed me an earpiece to put in my ear. While I was fiddling the earpiece into my ear and trying to make it comfortable, he raise my collar and removed my bow-tie and flicked the long one round my neck. and began to tie it; I was impressed, it takes me all my effort to  get a ready-made bow-tie straight. The knot was soon knotted, but the end of the skinny part hung out from under the wider section. Instead of adjusting the thing or undoing it, he took hold of it an inch below the knot and ripped it off my neck, which should be impossible unless it went up over my head, which it did not. He stood there with a still knotted tie dangling from his hand and began to unknot it to have a second go. This was lost on me, but the audience seemed to like it.

He handed me the microphone headset and while I fitted that so that it went across the back of my head, over the ear without the earpiece and down my cheek to a point close to my mouth, he retied the tie (perfectly this time).

"Say something in a normal tone of voice!" he said.

"Like what?" I asked.

"That was perfect, now we have a level for you and we can start the play."

The curtain went up to reveal an extravagant set split into two halves. One side was most of a room resembling a late Victorian drawing room; a fire place (with a fake fire), some chairs and a table. The other side of the stage was occupied by an area resembling a patio with some cast-iron garden furniture and a backdrop showing an extensive garden view. Between these was part of a wall with a window casement in it and the fittings to imply that the rest was taken up by a French window, without the need for anything that would block any of the audience from seeing all of the stage.

A voice on my ear piece said, "Go and sit in one of the chairs on the outdoor part of the set and then repeat after me..." This was my introduction to Clive, who was the voice in my ear for the rest of the show.