The Mad Magician

"I'm bored," said Arthur as he slumped listlessly on the couch in a set of the pyjamas the institute supplied.

"That's to be expected in a place like this," confirmed the man in the suit seated in the leather wing chair placed not quite facing the couch. He had moved there from behind his desk when Arthur had been shown in. "You should take advantage of the activities on offer."

"Most of them wouldn't help and the one I think might help you have banned me from." Arthur sat up straight and turned his head until his chin was over his left shoulder then placing his hands on opposite cheeks he continued to turn his head until his chin was over his right shoulder; he then faced forward and frowned.

"I wish you wouldn't do that; it gives me the willies. You know that the staff have named it the 'Exorcist Manoeuvre'." Simon shuddered as he said this.

"I am aware," said Arthur, "but it feels to me as if it helps me control some of the other even less desirable stuff like this." He placed the tips of the right thumb and ring finger together, applied pressure and then released the thumb upwards; there was a click as the finger slapped into the ball of the thumb and he displayed the small blue flame sitting a millimetre above his now upraised thumb, before blowing it out. "I tried going a day without 'exorcising' and that night I nearly burnt myself in my bed. If it hadn't been for the fire extinguisher in every room round here, you might be looking for a new office, instead of just needing to redecorate that room. By the way, I much prefer the room I'm in now."

"If we can make progress, maybe we won't need to return you to your old room when it has been refurbished."

"I'm still not clear on what you mean by 'make progress'.  I'm sure you understand that in order to achieve a goal you need to know what the goal is; unless you plan to hide that information and let me blunder about in the hope I'm 'making progress' in the right direction."

Simon steepled his fingers, a gesture that he was aware irritated Arthur, but continued out of habit. "You know as well as I do, that we cannot tell you where we would like you to arrive, because if we tell you we won't know if you got there because you are cured or because you are faking sanity to get out of here and then quickly relapse to your former insanity."

Arthur took this information in and snapped his fingers again and studied the flickering flame. "Tell me if I'm wrong, but if you don't tell how to show I'm sane I have next to no chance of achieving it. And if you do tell me you won't be convinced I am not faking it. Right?" Simon nodded. "That sounds like Catch 22; but in reverse because Yossarian was trying to prove he was insane."

"Put like that it does sound absurd, be we need to be sure you are safe to release into the world at large. We can't run the risk of more incidents like the one that brought you here in the first place."

"I've told you before, that 'incident', as you call it was the result of me losing my assistant and it turns out that the prince would make some female magician a wonderful assistant if he ever wanted to give up being royal. The magic got carried away. Calling it 'an assault on a royal person' was a bit extreme in my view."

"What do you call it when you behead an heir to the throne and carry his head across the stage to show to the entire Palladium audience?"

"I call it great and resourceful showmanship; I only intended for the blade to pass through his neck, but the magic took over. And I returned his head. He even thanked me."

"That's as may be, but we can't have you performing random acts of magic on the public, because 'the magic took over' can we; who knows what the consequences would be?"

"I know," said the magician calmly. "Because, I would be in control of the consequences. Once 'an incident' has occurred I gain enough control to rectify whatever has happened. It's about magic flow. Currently I am a blockage in the magic flow because I can't do much more than click my fingers or rotate my head. The magic that can't flow is building up pressure and can manifest itself in any number of potentially dangerous ways. For instance, that storm we had a couple of weeks back, the one that shatter the great oak by the driveway with three lightning strikes; I feel sure that was the stagnant magic finding something to do."

"So assuming what you are saying about your condition is true," the psychiatrist said, both of the men knew he mentally added, 'which I don't believe for a second.' "What do you suggest as a cure for your malady?"

"The magic flow can be stabilised, so removing the risk of, what you might term, co-lateral damage, by me finding a full-time assistant that I can rehearse with. It makes perfect sense to me, but you won't let me out to find my cure."

"We're not letting you out because you are a potential danger to the public."

"And I'm a potential danger because I can't find a new assistant, because you won't let me out to find her, because I'm a potential danger. A very circular argument, if I may comment."

"So, do you see a way forward?" Simon asked.

"Unless you can find an assistant for me, all I can see for the future is magical incidents around this place becoming more and more dangerous."

"You want me to find you a magician's assistant? You do realise that this is a secure institution? We can't have them turning up for auditions."

"Magician assistant auditions aren't like auditions for normal stuff, like actresses or dancers. The person has to be right before the physical audition occurs. The usual process is the magician advertises and the people interested phone up and the magician knows the one he wants; you can tell, even over the phone. Then it's usually a question of persuading the right applicant to come to a physical audition; she is usually timid and considered boring, even by her friends, because she is a magic sink in the same way I am a magic source. At the physical audition, it is determined if the magician and assistant are compatible; if they are not the search continues, and the assistant will get a recommendation to a compatible magician."

"Let me get this straight. You are proposing that we advertise for an assistant for you and you'd only need to speak to them on the phone and then when you think you have the right one, we invite her in for an audition in the hope that she's compatible and you regain your control over the magic."

"In a nutshell, exactly. I quite understand you'd want to put various precautions in place, to make sure I wasn't planning my escape or some other sinister plot. Come to think of it I could probably escape no problem; just walk out through a wall." The magician look at the psychiatrist, who seemed alarmed by the prospect. "Of course, I wouldn't do that, because I don't fancy being a man on the run, you can't perform magic in those conditions and the prospect of finding an assistant would be minimal. Although now I think of it, maybe I can move some of the magic on by walking through a wall of two."

Simon was horrified by the prospect that Arthur might start walking through walls within the building or even out of the building. "What precautions did you envision us taking?"

"Oh, I guess the obvious stuff, like checking the ad, it'd need to be worded carefully to attract the right person, and checking out the responses, I don't want a nutter for an assistant, and listening to the telephone interviews, further vetting the successful applicant and finally supervising the physical audition."

"And how long do you think that would take?"

"From the placing of the ad, oh, maybe two or three weeks would be usual, which is fortuitous, because I reckon I can just about keep a lid on the magic for perhaps a month before something really dangerous happens."