Grumpy Magician (3)

The magic show was going smoothly and at this point one of the magician's assistants was floating about six or seven feet above the stage, when at fanfare interrupts the gentle tinkly music that was accompanying the act of levitation.

The magician ducks under his assistant and stares into the audience to find the source of the noise. The sound operator has the sense to cut the music he is supplying.

The fanfare sounds again and the quality of it identifies it as coming from a mobile phone. The culprit is rapidly trying to silence the device, but has been spotted by the magician.

"You have the discourtesy to me and all your fellow audience members to leave your mobile phone on, despite the announcement before the show that you should switch the damn thing off before the performance. I shall be doing you a discourtesy shortly, but first I shall explain why mobile phones are not permitted. While I'm doing that you will make your way to the stage."

While the guilty member of the audience finds her way to the stage, the magician rants about the mobile, even on silent, being a distraction to enjoying, or even paying attention to, the performance to the owner and everyone else if it goes off. Many members of the crowd are trying to check that their phones are switched off and several can be spotted remedying the fact that they are not.

He pauses in the middle of his tirade to apologise to his assistant, but says that this sort of thing needs to be nipped in the bud; she remains hovering a little over head height and looks resigned to staying there until the magician has dealt with the phone-fiend. He then resumes his counter-blast against the mobile phone, descrying the use of such devices to record shows such as his, thus preventing the user from properly experiencing the live event, causing a distraction to his or her neighbours, interfering with the view of those behind them and defrauding the performer of his performance rights.

As the spectator arrives on stage, he looks her up and down, as if trying to decide what to do with her. She is wearing a jacket and trousers; under the jacket was a cream satin top with narrow shoulder straps.

He addresses her. "The phone is off now, I hope." She nods having glanced shamefacedly at her phone which is still in her hand, to check that she has properly switch it off. "Ok, in that case, put it in your trouser pocket and hang your jacket on the stand over there, then come here!"

Seemingly too scared not to comply, she does as he asks.

"Wait here!" he commands and he stamps into the wings. She looks up at the floating assistant and is not comforted to find her looking down at her with a combination of annoyance, contempt and pity.

The magician comes back with a box which places on the floor behind the culprit. "Put your hands on your shoulders!" She does as she is told raising her hands to the opposite shoulders and crossing her arms across her chest. "No! Not that way! Left hand to left shoulder! Right hand to right shoulder!"

She moves to change posture and when her hands are near the shoulders to which they are attached, the audience hear the noise of heavy-duty adhesive tape being used; the magician has bound the interruptress with her elbows tightly bent and her wrists almost touching their respective upper arms. This is soon followed by the magician winding tape from the victim's wrist and armpit down to the bend of her elbow on both arms; he leaves her bare elbows exposed. Her arms are swathed in the tape.

He drops the reel into the box and leans down to pick something else out of the box. She is craning her neck to try to see what is happening behind her, but he places a hand on her head and faces her forward. The audience see the magician lift a hand-saw from the box, but the first the woman knows about it is when he applies to her raised and bound right arm. In a few strokes he has sawn through the tape bonded arm and is cutting through the last shreds of tape below her upper arm. He catches the detached part and places it on the floor before repeating the procedure on the other arm.

The no-longer-attached sections of arm he puts in the box on top of the saw and signals into the wings. A stagehand collects the box and takes it backstage.

He takes the victim's hands and folds the tape holding them in place so that the stumps just above the wrist meet the stumps of her upper arms. He then rips off the tape, causing her to wince; her hands are now directly attached to her shoulders.

"Go back to your seat and pay attention to the show. You may collect your jacket at the end of the performance and I shall ask you questions about what I did and what happened. If your answers show you've been paying proper attention, I will give you back your elbows then, but if I find you have been inattentive, I will put them in a box and send them back to you in the post, sometime next week. And until then you can't reach your phone."