A new years to remember?
<center>by Vaughan</center>
The new year party had been a hit; everyone had hugged when they heard Big Ben strike midnight and yelled at each other, "Happy New Year". There was much kissing and, of course, drinking. I lost count of what I'd drunk, but I know I had been drinking steadily since I'd arrived about 9 o'clock so by the time our hosts were bedding down those guests that had arranged to stayed until the morning, I may have had approximate control of my body, but I was not entirely in charge of my mind.
As there were a few of us still partying at 5 o'clock in the morning, I suggested, that we go to my place where I could offer people coffee and spaces on my sofa-beds until the price of taxis home returned to being merely expensive. Only three people took me up on my offer, which is probably just as well as I don't have that many mugs in my cupboard.
We staggered the shortish distance to my place. Alex and Charlie supporting each other and singing barely
recognizable songs at the tops of their voices. Alex (short for Alexandra) had a good voice, but Charlie, Alex's boyfriend, couldn't carry a tune if it had handles. Between verses, I was chatting to Emma. She expressed an interest in the cards tricks I'd been attempting to perform to more or less interested groups throughout the party. I offered to show her my full range of card tricks when we got to my place. She said she reckoned that she had seen my entire
repertoire at the party (she was right) and asked if I knew any other magic. I boasted that I knew a lot about magic. We began to talk about other types of magic and did my one mentalism trick, which got Alex and Charlie interested.
We soon arrived at my door and after some fumbling it was unlocked. I installed my guests in my sitting room and went to make the coffee I had promised them. When I returned, they had been talking about what kind of my magic I could do.
Emma asked "Can you saw me in half?"
Caught off guard and still quite tipsy, I replied, "Yes, of course, I can!"
Emma accepted a mug of steaming coffee and said "Great, let's do it."
I was taken by surprised, "I can't do it now! Not here!"
"Why not?" asked Charlie as I turned to offer him and Alex mugs from the tray.
"erm, coz," was my inarticulate response as I hurriedly left the room, to find biscuits and an excuse.
When I returned with the biscuits, Alex asked, "You said you could saw Emma in half, then you said you couldn't; so can you saw Emma in half or not?"
With the quantity of alcohol in my bloodstream, a challenge like that could not go unanswered. "I could saw Emma in half if I had the box and the saw and the dividers and stocks and things, but I don't have those things, so I can't do it now."
"So you can't do it, coz you haven't got the stuff," challenged Emma, "some magician you turned out to be. Surely all a really good magician needs is a saw and a willing victim, right?"
Alex and Charlie concurred, and I was feeling belittled. Something inside me rose to the surface and said, "OK, I'll cut Emma in half, I ain't got a saw in the house, but I do have a large knife that'll do the trick." I stormed off to find my carving knife, while a small, but ignored voice at the back of my head was saying that this was a bad idea.
When got back with the 12 inch carving knife, the others had moved the furniture a bit so the Emma could lie over a gap, so that her halves would be supported once divided and she was lying there. "Is this how you want me?" she asked.
"Yeah, that's OK, but could you do something with your dress, coz I don't want to cut it to shreds."
The twinkle in Emma's eye should have told me what to expect, but I was surprised when Emma stood up, stripped of her dress off and returned to her former position wearing a lacy black bra, and knickers, and stockings with suspenders. I bent down and handed Emma's dress to Alex to look after. We all must have been quite a bit more drunk than I had originally supposed.
"What's the hold up now, magic boy?" teased Emma. I stood there slightly shocked. "Get on with it, before I change my mind!" she ordered.
I addressed Emma's waist with the blade, then I thought of something. "Charlie and Alex, would you take an end each, so she doesn't get away." In moments, Alex was sitting on Emma's shins, holding Emma's knees straight and Charlie was holding Emma's arm's above her head. Emma complained about this, saying that she wanted to see what was going to happen, so Charlie adjusted the position so that Emma could watch.
Another thought struck me. "You aren't going to give away the secret, are you?" Each in turn swore that they would keep secret what happened.
I gently placed the blade against Emma's flesh and asked, "Ready?" She nodded. I drew the knife toward me and watched in a mixture of fascination and horror as skin and muscle of Emma's waist parted bloodlessly under the sharp edge. I had expected Emma to scream or faint or something dramatic, but all she did after giving a sharp yip when the cut started. she looked on with a blend of terror and surprise similar to my own. This look was mirrored on the faces of Alex and Charlie. I continued to cut through Emma until I was finished; it was like cutting through cold butter, there was no texture under the knife but it required some effort. Once the last piece of skin was cut and Emma emitted another yip of sharp but short lived pain, I threw the knife across the room, where it shuddered in the edge of the bookshelf.
There was a painfully drawn out silence that followed, broken by Emma gasping, "You really cut me in half"
I was now on the defensive. "You asked me to!"
"I know and you did it! You're wonderful!" She made a movement that might have resulted in her sitting up and hugging me, except that she had been cut in two and Charlie was still holding her down.
"You can let her go guys," I said. They stopped holding her down and in the process of getting up separated Emma's halves by nearly a foot. I not sure who was more astounded by this state of affairs, but you could have knocked me down with a feather.
Emma decided to check out her parts and with a little help from Charlie, she maneuvered
her upper body upright onto the flat surface of the cut and with less help from Alex, Emma also managed to sit her legs in a normal position on the other sofa. Emma's feet twitched and moved in circles as Emma was evidently checking that they were really her feet. I offered to tickle them for her to help prove that they were indeed her feet, but she said, "Don't you dare! 'cause I'm very ticklish and don't like it."
I handed Emma back her mug of coffee and we all sipped coffee. I think we were all at a loss for something to say. Eventually Emma said, "My legs are getting cold." It occurred to me to wonder why, but with my brain in its addled state, it did not get further than that. I offered to find something to cover them.
I went into the dining room and whipped the tablecloth from the table. The plate and the glass that remained from the previous days lunch and the fruit bowl stayed exactly were they had been before I had tugged the cloth from beneath them. I did not even occur to me that it was the first time I'd ever succeeded at that simple trick. I returned to the sitting room with the tablecloth and with a flourish which caused everyone to duck (but in the past would have scattered ornaments every which way) I allowed the cloth to settle onto the sofa where Emma's legs were.
"That feels odd," commented Emma.
This was followed by Alex saying, "It looks odd too." After the elation of swing the cloth without wrecking the place it took me a while to notice that the cloth seemed to be on the sofa with no legs under it. I leaned down and cautiously lifted the bottom edge to see if Emma's feet were still there. They were not visible. Suspecting that Emma was trying to trick me by raising her feet, I raised the cloth further. At this point I fell over and dragged the cloth from the sofa. The sofa next to Alex, where the legs had been, was bare, except for perhaps the hint of a crease that might have
indicated that there had been someone sitting there.
"You've vanished my legs!" accused Emma. She did not look angry, but surprised and aggrieved that she had not been warned.
"It does look like that," I acknowledged. "I didn't mean to, really I didn't," I
apologized, as I got up off the carpet and sat on the sofa where Emma's legs had been a few moments again. Somewhere deep in my mind
something noticed that the seat was still slightly warm. Out of nothing more than idle curiosity I asked, "How do they feel? Still cold?"
Emma paused. We all looked at her as she tried to work out how to describe the sensations in her vanished legs. A few further moments and she
shook her head and said, "I can't describe how it feels, but it's nice, almost sexy." She smiled at me.
After a few moments while that sank in, Alex asked, "Can you vanish me too? Nice and almost sexy sounds like just what I want at the moment." Charlie shot her a dark look as if he had been mildly offended by that remark.
I considered for long enough to realize that I was doing real magic, but not long enough to wonder how long it would last. "I guess I can do that. I'm not making any promises, but I'll give it a go if you like." A
little thought gathering then I said, "Charlie, you go into the kitchen and bring a chair! I'll go upstairs and find a sheet to do the biz with."
When I returned, the furniture had been moved back to its original positions and a space cleared in the middle of the floor around the kitchen chair with Alex already seated on it.
Some instinct told me this was not right. So I sat down while my two and a half guests watched and made get on with it type noises. Then inspiration struck.
I scooted Alex off the chair and set that aside and retrieved the hand-painted coffee table. I placed the chair on the table. (My dad would murder me if he knew; the table was a house warming present and must have set him back a pretty penny.) I gave Alex a hand up onto the table and installed her on the chair. A flourish later and the
bed sheet I had got from upstairs was settling on Alex's form. "Are you alright under there?" I asked.
"Yes, I'm OK," came the reply.
I raised the bottom of the sheet so that most of the sheet rested in Alex's lap. A quick stroke of her calf produced a twitch then I lowered the lower edge of the sheet to the table taking care not to let the sheet go beyond the edge of the table and certainly not touch the floor. When the sheet had been deployed I stepped up onto the table behind the chair and lowered the top part of the sheet so that Alex's head and shoulders could be seen. I once more enquired if Alex was OK and was once more told she was. I raise the top edge of the sheet and draped it over Alex's head and then took a bunch of sheet in my fist, being careful not to accidentally catch any of Alex's hair.
"OK, here goes!" I said and then everything seemed to happen at once. I'm not entirely sure what happened, even now, but the
net result was I fell backwards off the table in a tangle of bed sheet followed by an empty chair. I have a vague memory of feeling satisfied but very tired as the chair minus Alex toppled on top off me. I blacked out.
I woke and immediately wished I had not. The headache had the usual hangover component and something else, which announced itself as a large lump when I tried to move my head.
I tried to marshal my mental forces, without moving my head too much. I remembered the party in the usual hazy way that parties get remembered, then bringing home some people for coffee. I took me a while to work out who, but the names Emma, Alex and Charlie swam to the surface. I failed to remember going to bed, but I was certainly in bed. Then the trio of names fitted themselves together to create a fuzzy recollection of the events of the previous night. In the cold and too intense light of day, that streamed uncaringly through the gap in the curtains, I wondered if someone had slipped something into one of the many drinks I had had, that caused these bizarre hallucinations. I wondered who had put me to bed.
All this introspection was interrupted by a gentle sigh behind my head. I occurred to me that the state of my head was not the only thing unusual about how I woke up this morning.
Trying to ignore my protesting head, I mentally checked out the rest of me. I was in a t-shirt and underpants and lying on my side. Something was applying a gentle pressure to my
shoulder blades, there was something I was lying on that felt warm and something across my chest. The final clue was the feel of warm breath on the back of my neck. I was in bed with somebody. I gave a slight cough.
"Oh! You are awake. I thought you were," whispered a feminine voice, just a fraction too loud. I winced and winced again when the first wince applied more pressure to my aching head.
"I'm sorry," she whispered quieter, "not feeling too good?"
I groaned. "I'll be alright, in a few hours, I suppose."
"What time is it?" I heard and felt her move a little. "Don't you have a clock of some sort in here?"
"erm?" I muttered, "on the windowsill." Then I realized I still had my wristwatch on. "My watch says it's um nearly half past something, erm, twelve."
"Oh!" squealed Emma. I did another double wince. "You'd better get a move on and get Alex back so she and Charlie can go to his parents for lunch at two o'clock."
Emma pushed me out of bed and I landed with a bone-jarring thump on the floor. I struggled into a vertical position and looked at the bed where Emma lay with the duvet pulled up. It was obvious that there were no legs under the cover. My memories of the previous night looked as though they were true.
"Did I really chop you in half and vanish Alex?" I asked, mainly to put my thoughts in order.
"Well, if this is fake then you've got me convinced," she said, throwing back the duvet to display her truncated form, still wearing her bra.
"And Alex?"
"Gone! We haven't seen her since you knocked yourself out; and we did look."
While I dressed, I tried to work out what had happened. I checked various points with Emma and that only confirmed that my memory had not been playing tricks
despite my fervent desire that it should. I gave Emma a shirt to cover her near-nakedness.
I carried Emma downstairs in a sort of piggyback style and found Charlie lying on the sofa-bed. He seemed to be just waking up too.
"You seen Alex?" asked Charlie in a manner that seemed to express the hope that she might be returning soon with an aspirin or a cup of coffee.
"Not since last night," I said, as I deposited Emma on the kitchen chair that was still there.
Realization dawned on Charlie as he remembered last night. "OK! Where is Alex? And when are you bringing her back?" asked Charlie, in a more hostile manner.
"Erm, Give me a chance, I've only just woken up. I need some coffee."
As I stalked off to the kitchen, Charlie shouted after me, "You'd better get her back quick 'cause I'm taking her to lunch with my parents."
I set up coffee mugs for all three of us and while the kettle boiled, tried to get my aching head to think about the situation. I wondered how I had been able to vanish Alex at all, and while I thought I knew how magicians sawed women in half, it did not fit with what I had done to Emma, which logic told me should have ended in a large blood stain on the carpet and the rest of the day in the local accident and emergency unit or worse the police station. Thoughts chased round my head until I was quite
dizzy and I was rescued by the click of the kettle switching itself off.
When I returned to the living room with coffee Charlie had refolded the bed into a sofa and was putting his shoes back on. He seemed a lot calmer.
Emma was saying how we'd all been well-oiled last night and accidents were bound to happen. I offered round the coffees.
We sipped for a minute or so, then Charlie asked, "Have you worked out how to get Alex back?"
"And my legs back?" added Emma.
"I'm working on it," I extemporized.
Charlie was about to ask again when I had an idea. "What I need is a large box, to make Alex appear in."
"And have you got a large box?" asked Emma.
"No," I frowned (I'm not one for keeping boxes) ,"but it was an OK idea while it lasted."
"Can't you make a box?" asked Emma, hopefully.
"What with? The saw and wood I haven't got? And hold it together with non-existent nails knocked in with my imaginary hammer?" I was getting sarcastic, a sure sign that I'm going to crack if something doesn't go my way soon.
"I only meant improvise something that'll do for a box, you did a lot of improvising last night and it all seems to have worked."
I grunted something that I hoped indicated that I wasn't sure if that comment had been an insult or not.
Emma seemed to take charge of the thinking at that point. "So why do you need a box of some sort?"
"For Alex to appear in," I replied.
"No! Why a box?"
"Well, have you ever seen a magician not use a box to make someone appear?" I countered.
"Err, no. But, what's that got to do with it?"
"I was just thinking that I vanished Alex using something that looked like a classic of illusion, called the De Kolta Chair. So I reckon I am most likely to succeed at getting her back, if I use something that looks like a classic
appearance illusion, like the one they call the Crystal Casket."
"And this Crystal Casket is basically a box that the magician's assistant appears in, is it?"
"Yep, except the Casket has glass sides. That's why it's called crystal; only the base and the frame are not see-through." I paused. "I've just had an inspiration."
They looked hopefully at me, as I rushed up stairs to get something. I returned with my largest bath towel. I picked up the sheet that I had used to vanish Alex and carried Emma into the dining room. Charlie followed. I placed Emma on a chair and cleared the table of stuff that was on it.
"Right, Charlie will you help me turn the table over!"
The table was oblong and would seat 6 people easily, 8 if they did not mind being cozy. Charlie's strength and my experience scene shifting in theatres meant we did not injure ourselves in the process of turning the table top-down. The table lay there inverted with its four legs sticking up. I took the sheet and draped it over the legs, so that only the area between the two legs facing Charlie and Emma remained open.
"This," I announced, "is my improvised crystal casket. With any luck when I cover this side with the towel Alex will appear inside."
I carefully arranged the towel across the front of the table legs and waited. I was relieved when the section of sheet over the top began to rise. and more relieved when a voice, Alex's voice, said, "Is it over? Can I come out now?"
I dropped the towel and hugged the still sheet wrapped Alex, before helping her from under the cloth. Charlie came over and hugged and kissed her.
"Weren't we in the living room?" observed Alex. "Oh! And it's daylight. How long have I been out of it? You can't really have vanished me, can you?"
Emma piped up, "He definitely vanished you and you've been gone for nearly 8 hours. He knocked himself out when he vanished you, and we've been waiting for him to wake up, so he can bring you back. Anyway I want to know what you felt."
"I don't know how to describe it," began Alex, "I was very relaxing really and like you said; nice and almost sexy. It was, in a way, like skinny dipping in a lovely warm swimming pool, but without the need to breathe. But that's not it, quite."
I looked at the clock, and said, "Aren't you two due at Charlie's parents for lunch soon?"
Charlie's face took on a look of panic. "Can I use your phone to call a taxi?"
"It'll take them an age to turn up and you'll be late. I'll give you a lift," I offered.
"OK, do you think we have enough time to stop by our place to change on the way?"
"Of course, but only if we leave now."
"But what about Emma?" asked Alex, reminding us all of Emma's predicament.
Emma immediately told them that she would be alright and expressed her confidence that I could restore her without needing them. She would have shooed us out of the door if she could have moved.
As it turned out we were 5 minutes late at Charlie's parents, because they took longer than necessary to dress. I had to refuse an offer of lunch, so I could get back to Emma.
When I returned Emma wasn't where I had left her. Some how she had moved back into the living room and was watching something on the TV.
"Did you get Alex and Charlie to lunch in time?" enquired Emma.
"Nearly, but they'd have been even later by taxi. Charlie's mum almost seemed to expect it, she even offered me lunch. I refused, 'cause I think I had an idea of how to get you together again."
"You're such a darling!" cried Emma in a tone of voice and with a motion that indicated that if she had had legs she would have jumped up and smothered me in kisses.
"Don't get too excited!" I cautioned, "I'm not sure it'll work. First I think you need to have your dress on." I stooped and picked up Emma's dress, still lying in the corner from the previous night. While she struggled into it, I removed the carving knife from the bookshelf and
laid it on top where it would be less of a hazard.
"Alright, where do you want to do it?" I asked.
"Pardon?"
"I think you need to lie down flat somewhere, so I'm offering you choice of location. On the floor, on the table (come to think of it, we can't do that; it's still upside-down), on the bed, wherever you like."
"On the bed sounds fine, so let's go." I turned my back so she could grab hold round my neck. "Oh, and could you bring my handbag!"
On the way passed, I stooped to pick up Emma's large handbag. It was not as light as I had expected. "What have you got in here?" I asked, "A couple of gold bars?" Also on the way passed, I picked up the tablecloth that had vanished Emma's legs in the first place.
"I've only got the essential things, that a girl might need," responded Emma, with a giggle.
In the bedroom, I perched Emma on the bedside table and tossed the duvet on the floor. With care I placed the cloth onto the bed so that it hung evenly down both sides and the top edge was about where the severed end of Emma's torso would be with her head on the pillow. With equal, if not more, care, I positioned Emma on the bed and adjusted the skirts of her dress so that it lay smoothly on top of the cloth. I then folded the edges of the cloth over where Emma's legs should have been, thus making a cloth tube.
"It isn't working," said Emma, slightly disappointed.
"That's because, all that was just the preparation." I stood at the foot of the bed and took the end of the cloth tube and began to pulled gently. As I slowly pulled the still obviously empty tube of tablecloth down the bed, the vanished parts of Emma emerged from the other end attached to Emma in the usual fashion.
It wasn't long before a completely restored Emma lay open mouthed on the bed. I was feeling elated at having restored Emma. She seemed relieved to whole again.
"Would you bring my shoes," she requested, "while I get ready."
When I returned with Emma's shoes the bedroom door was shut. "I've got your shoes. Are you ready?"
Emma opened my bedroom door dressed in a full-length night-dress and pulled me in.
The rest of what happened that day, I shall not relate, because, as Emma is fond of observing, I am gentleman.