"Okay, this way, looks like there's a locker room, if we're lucky we can get some uniforms and try figure out a way to get the others up in the elevator," Cloud said, hugging flat a wall.
"...Tifa? You with me?"
"Oh, uh... yeah," Tifa shook 'his' head, having been a little distracted by how the flat-against-the-wall action by her own body had been very... distracting.
They slipped in, finding one that would fit Cloud's body, but Cloud realised that Tifa's frame would be useless for the ones on offer.
"Okay... you change, I guess I pose as like a guest of yours, a girlfriend or a... aha! Maintenance worker," Cloud noted on finding a hat in a closet marked with 'MAINTENANCE'.
"...Wait, I change now? Here?" Tifa paused.
"Well, yeah, it's not like I haven't seen my own body before, Tifa."
"...And you've, uh, seen mine..." Tifa blushed.
"Uh... not really, but, that kinda raises a problem. We've been travelling non-stop and we're gonna kinda stand out so... I think we might need quick showers. And maybe a blindfold so I don't see too much," Cloud said, also blushing.
"We just need to deal with this. If we're stuck like this a while we can't keep going to the toilet with our eyes closed and terrified of zippers or whatever."
"Yeah...and, of course, not a word to Aeris."
"Oh, sure. Um, one more problem. My clothes don't quite scream 'mechanic'," Tifa noted.
"...Well, there's a jumpsuit here. It might fit."
One quick and awkward shower, awkward change of clothes, and awkward stuffing of their normal gear in a bag, it became clear it didn't quite fit, the zipper not going over Tifa's ample assets. Still, her scar was exposed, and Tifa seemed to linger on it with 'his' mako eyes.
"...Don't worry too much, we can pass it off like a mishap working on machinery or something," Cloud suggested.
"Huh? Oh, uh, the...scar, right, uh...yeah, good idea."
Cloud shrugged, and continued speaking.
"Let's get sneaking around. Find some way to get the others up here... Oh, crap, that's a commander."
"You! Recruit! Get in formation in the parade, we're about to start! You can mess around with mechanics lat...er... Oh,I see! You're both on duty, you little shits! You get to the docks and work on that damn boat, missy! Then get fitted for a suit that doesn't leave you looking like a whore! Hell, maybe it'll stop ya getting more scars!"
The commander fumed for a few seconds.
"Well?!"
"Uh, yessir!" Cloud said, scampering off with an apologetic glance to Tifa.
As it happened, Tifa was sent to the docks also.... carrying a grenade.
"Some TV guy sent me this for some reason?" 'She' frowned.
"Weird. Anyway, I think we can try claiming I need to fix the elevator, it's scheduled for maintena.... aaand Red's here. How?"
The red lion-wolf creature peeked out from behind a crate in the cargo ship's open hold
"You're the last ones. The dolphin gave us a ride around," Red explained.
"...Meaning all of that was completely pointless. &@$^!" Cloud cursed as they followed.
As they arrived at Costa Del Sol, Cloud was lost in thought again. Sephiroth had somehow been on the ship, then vanished... Another thing that made no sense about him.
"Alright, let's get out of these stupid costumes and mingle in Costa Del Sol," Barret said, his sailor suit making Cloud feel far less worried about 'her' cleavage issues.
"Aw, I thought you looked cute in the sailor gear. You could use them as pyjamas!" Aeris suggested.
"And Cloud can keep her oily jumpsuit for Tifa's benefit!" Yuffie smirked.
"...This is getting out of hand, now there are two of them," Tifa facepalmed.
A hasty change of clothes again, cloud foregoing the now too-warm jacket, and they were in normal gear, slipping through the docks and into the resort town.
"...We might need to hang around here a little, anyone rushing out of town might draw attention," Cloud realised.
"Well, fine by me, a shower would be nice," Aeris noted.
"Yeah... A shower," Yuffie grinned, uncomfortably close to Cloud.
"About that, you two smell a lot cleaner than before, except somehow you both must have done something to get all sweaty, and oily, in Cloud's case. What were you up to?" Red asked, innocently.
As Yuffie and Aeris giggled, Cloud and Tifa realised they had no chance of explaining the truth.
"Hey, since we're gonna be here a little while to blend in, why don't we hit the beach?" Aeris eventually said, swiftly dragging Cloud away with the unspoken aid of Yuffie.
"Wha... Where the hell y'all goin?!" Barret said as the two female minded females dragged the male-in-the-female away.
"Swimsuits! Go pick out some nice trunks, 'Cloud'," Yuffie yelled.
Barret and Tifa both groaned.
"See, that's why you guys should stop shaving off your fur," Red noted.
"We... don't?" Tifa frowned.
"Sure you do, most guys seem to shave and I guess Barret keeps his beard. But you don't."
"Uh... come to think of it, does Cloud even grow face hair? Or any hair? Don't tell me, that spiky blonde is a wig, ain't it, the mako crap made all his hair fall out and he's completely smooth, ain't he?"
"I have no idea about that last part but its not a wig!" Tifa blushed.
"...Really? You ain't even peeked? Cos, real talk here, if I'd swapped with Spiky I'd probably have looked."
Tifa stared.
"I'm not into guys of course, but you of all people gotta admit he is a pretty-lookin' fella."
"Oh my god, no, Barret, I am not listening to this, why is everyone except Red a bunch of perverts?!" Tifa almost screamed before walking off.
"...Well, guess she's not up for guy talk. Red, would you look?"
"Honestly, humans are just so weird about your bodies. I think I'd rather just be blindfolded the whole time if I'd become human."
Cloud, to his mortification, had been forced into a swimsuit, to 'blend in'. He suspected Aeris was being Aeris. He'd tried to keep it less skimpy and provocative, but to his million-watt blush, Tifa's body simply wasn't that conductive to it.
Still, a one-piece that covered her scar should mean Tifa wasn't going to stare at the visible reminder of the past... right?
"...Great, she's still hung up on the scar," Cloud muttered as they met up with Tifa and Barret.
Neither had changed into any swimsuits, but the three women had. Cloud noted his own eyes focusing on the area of the scar.
"Hey, your eyes are up there," Yuffie giggled at Tifa, causing Cloud's body to blush and his mind to be a little puzzled.
"Thank god it wasn't a bikini, or we might have killed your body," Aeris whispered.
"Let's just go mingle," Cloud sighed, turning around.
Blissfully unaware that Tifa's blush simply grew as a result.
"...Tifa, you gotta tell Cloud how dangerous your damn body is sometime, okay? I am feeling so weird right now," Barret muttered.
'She' looked at him in horror.
"...Nope, we're not going down this way again, stop, stop, stop..."
Barret sighed as Tifa wandered off, then glanced at Red.
"...I already said it last time. Not much more to say. Now I'm going to find some shade, this heat is killing me,"
Unfortunately, on the beach, lay of all people, Hojo.
"...What the hell is he doing here?" Aeris fumed.
"He doesn't seem to have guards. Let's get some answers," Tifa grinned, reaching for the Buster Sword until Cloud stopped her.
"Yeah, we're in the middle of a Shinra town, Tifa, as much as I want to kill him too, maybe we just stick to conversation...
"And given that he's surrounded by women, maybe Yuffie and Cloud do it, since he might not recognise your body that well, try wheedle some stuff out without him realising," Aeris noted.
Yuffie glanced down at her own green swimsuit.
"...Yeah, I'm regretting this now, I need to go flirt with creepy shinra science guys wearing lab coats on a freakin' bea.... waaaait, he might have materia... I'll steal it! No one will ever know!" The ninja giggled.
"...Okay, fine," Cloud sighed, and neared, only for Hojo to smirk.
"Ah, if it isn't... Tifa. Or should I say, Cloud?" He said.
"Well, he figured you out," Yuffie shrugged.
"And the Princess of Wutai!"
"Wait,no, he's just crazy, ha, no princesses here! Whoops... I'm gonna just go away now!"
The ninja then vanished as if she'd thrown a smokebomb.
"...Fine, guess we both talk. What the hell did your machine do to us," Tifa growled as 'she' walked over.
"And Cloud-Tifa! Wonderful! Is the Ancient around? I would like to say hello..."
"Answer the question," Cloud demanded.
"Hm, no. You see, I'm not entirely sure. Old machine. Built for the Turks. Never used it myself, just kept it in storage, but it was quite a fun result from the security footage! But, tell me, Cloud... or Tifa... has there ever been anything feeling like you're being called? Summoned? I am here on vacation but I would like to keep... abreast, of an old project," Hojo grinned.
"Look at my tits again and I'll cut your balls off," Tifa warned.
"Oh, but 'Cloud', that's rather a posessive approach! 'Tifa' is her own woman!"
"...Screw this, he's got nothing, let's ignore the perv," Cloud sighed, walking off.
Tifa fought the urge to follow through on the threat as Hojos eyes trailed behind Cloud as 'she' left, but turned to leave 'himself'.
Staying overnight, they learned that Shinra were heading over Mount Corel, and invested in softs as advised. Tifa, however, simply threw the grenade 'he'd' been given at the only Cokatolis they met.
"I dunno why but I just have this real dislike of those things," 'he' shrugged.
"Me too," Cloud said, having been rather vicious on the other monsters so far.
And then they discovered the truth of Corel, of Barret's hometown, and then reached the Golden Saucer...
"Okay, I know someone's going to try suggest it but I doubt Barret's in the mood for this either, so no messing around much. We're not really here to have fun, blend in or whatever, but stay alert," Cloud warned, before heading off.
"...Shit, I think he... she's PMS'ing," Tifa groaned.
"Goddamn, and me bein' a jackass on top of this. No offence, Tifa, but if Cloud's anythin' like you in your body, maybe the rest of you should just go try get some distraction, from us moody morons," Barret sighed.
"Uh, thanks. Also yeah, I'm kind of a bitch PMS'ing and oh dead god no we need to tell Cloud about tampons!" Tifa suddenly realised, rushing off.
Yuffie, Barret, Aeris, and Red stared.
"...Can I laugh?" Yuffie asked.
"If you don't I will, I'm feelin' a hell of a lot better!" Barret confessed.
Alas, Cloud's mood was not helped much, especially when the party learned of the Black Materia, and encountered a stuffed moogle riding cat.
That knew the truth about Cloud and Tifa.
And wanted to come.
And then they got thrown into the desert below, framed for shooting up the Battle Square, and eventually cleared themselves after Barret defeated his crazed old friend Dyne.
"Well, this buggy is nice, at least," Cloud sighed, enjoying the fact the vehicle had air conditioning and was remarkably spacious.
"Big enough to sleep in too. Even though for some reason I keep thinking we'll need the tents anyway," Aeris agreed.
"Still, if we run into monsters, we'll need to get out, can't risk running them over and damaging the buggy," Tifa warned.
"That's a pretty good excuse for random battles," Cait Sith nodded.
"...What?"
"Nothing!"
They soon reached Gongaga, overhearing the Turks ahead.
"...That Tifa chick is damn hot," Rude said.
Cloud froze like a Gagighandi had petrifed 'her' for a second, then began fuming, eye twitching. Everyone took a step back.
"Ooh, poor Elena..." Reno said.
"Nah, she likes Tseng, but Tseng likes that ancient."
"...Wish I still had that grenade," Tifa muttered.
Cloud, however, leapt to attack.
"Eh, we've got something better," Cait Sith shrugged as girly shrieks echoed through the jungle, and a gasp from behind revealed the third Turk.
"...Oh crap. Uh, I'm not a turk, honest, look, not even wearing a suit!" Elena begged, hastily undressing.
"...Just some chick in a shirt and panties?" Tifa said with a raised brow.
"Yup, not with them, please don't let her kill me!"
"Sure. By the way, catch," Yuffie said, throwing a Touch Me at the hapless turk, who first screamed and then ribbited.
Gongaga, however, left Tifa and Cloud even more confused and dismayed. The reactor, the realisation the Turks had been lying in ambush, the arrival and departure of the Shinra bigwigs searching for 'big materia'... and Zack Fair's parents.
"...We need to tell Aeris. About Zack," Cloud sighed. 'She' and Tifa had been the only two to meet the pair, but Aeris apparently met them too
"Yeah. Let's find her, get this off our chests... uh, over with, not chests. Chests aren't worth talking about," Tifa stammered.
Cloud dismissed this, and they found Aeris looking up at the ruined reactor near the edge of town.
"Uh, Aeris, there's something you should know, about Nibelheim. And the SOLDIER that was there..." Tifa began.
"...Zack Fair, right?"
"Yeah."
"...I know. I overheard you two in Kalm. I kinda... denied it until now. But it's okay. I know why you both kept quiet. I kinda eavesdropped... a lot. Sorry," Aeris sighed.
"Well... we're still both sorry we hid that," Cloud said.
"You had your reasons. And hey, I'm single for sure, right?"
Cloud and Tifa shifted nervously.
"...Inappropriate, okay," Aeris shrugged.
"Though I am confused about what his parents meant about ten years," Tifa then asked.
"Cait Sith said something about a translation error, whatever that means."
The buggy broke down at Cosmo Canyon, revealing Red XIII to in fact be Nanaki. And also revealed him to be confused as another of his species was present.
"...Deneh?!"
"Aw, looks like Red... er, Nanaki, has a girlfriend!" Yuffie giggled as the two wandered off towards Nanaki's grandfather's hut.
"At least one of us is in a relationship," Aeris winked at Tifa... and Cloud.
They were then shown to the Planetarium, told more about the planet... and then the revelation of the truth about Seto and the Gi Tribe.
"...Why don't we use a Soft?" Cait Sith noted.
"Well... Actually, yeah, why don't we?" Tifa frowned.
An hour later, the party, sat around the Cosmo Candle, the local elders now rather baffled.
"...I mean, this morning we had Deneh, and she was supposed to be in stasis but with Nanaki gone we had to give in and free her early, and now it turned out Seto was still alive... and kinda pissed we didn't use a soft... But hey, we have three Guardian Beasts now!" One smiled, despite the clawcuts over his eye.
"Is that your species or a title?" Yuffie wondered.
"Title," Deneh said.
Nanaki and Seto returned to the group, Nanaki looking a little sheepish.
"So, uh, my grandfather and... dad, both say I should keep travelling with you guys, help save the planet. Is that okay?"
"Sure!" Aeris said.
"I'm fine with that, anyone object?"
"...Can I come too?" Deneh asked.
"Eh, sure, I'm around now again," Seto shrugged.
Deneh was a little more doglike than Nanaki, sticking her head out the buggy's window, but then again, she'd apparently never left Cosmo Canyon so everything was rather new to her.
"So, hey, over this river, that's...Nibblehome?" She said, studying the map.
"Um... Not quite. It was burned down," Cloud noted.
"Oh, right, yeah, that whole thing about Sephiroth. So... what's that town then?"
Cloud looked out the window with binoculars, and swore.
Tifa looked, and also swore.
Aeris looked.
"Nice view!"
"Look at the town, not my ass!" Tifa fumed.
"Cloud's ass?" Deneh wondered, still not too used to it.
"Oh. They rebuilt it... why?"
"Good question, Shinra never rebuilds towns they burn down," Cloud growled.
"Actually, Kalm got rebuilt but that's like one out of four. Or five? Six? Wow, the company sure burns down a lot of towns..." Cait Sith spoke up.
"...Cait, stop with the weird stuff like that, makes you look real suspect, ya know?"
"Well, he's a fortune teller and all that, right?" Yuffie shrugged.
"Anyway, let's go find out why the shit a town that should be a ruin is still there," Tifa ordered.
"Actors. Shinra hired actors. That has to be it," Tifa paced back and forth in the inn room.
"It seems like them. Cover it up... because Rocket Town is over the hill. Because they can pretend Sephiroth died a hero somewhere else," Cloud said.
"So, that doesn't explain Banora?" Cait Sith said.
"Where?" Yuffie cut in.
"And why are all these cloaked guys hanging around?" Aeris wondered.
"...We'll never get answers here, so, what about that big mansion?" Deneh suggested.
"...Can't hurt."
They investigated, and in the basement found...
"Holy shit, a vampire!" Yuffie shrieked.
"...Yuffie, we've been talking to Vincent for twenty minutes, for the last time he's not a vampire," Cloud sighed.
"You sure? Because he looks like one, and, I mean, we have talking cat wolf things, bodyswapped people, whatever Cait Sith is..."
"Robot spy," he said.
"...What?" Aeris frowned.
"I mean, fortune teller."
"...a Cetra, a guy with a gun for a hand, and a super-hot Ninja Prince.... fan? Fan of princes? Like fairytales, boy, I love fairytales!"
"Wait, bodyswapped? Were two of you subject to the Advanced Infiltrator?" Vincent said.
"Is that what it was? Weird machine thing in the lab at Shinra?" Tifa asked.
"Strange pillar tipped with an electrical coil?"
"Yeah. Do you know a way back?!" Cloud realised.
"...I do not. It was an old device for the Turks. Intended to let us swap bodies with targets. But the agent we used in the test could not be retrieved, without killing both subjects."
Cloud and Tifa turned pale.
"...Well, &@$^," Aeris said.
"Looks like we're stuck, then," Cloud sighed, looking down at... her... body.
Somehow, she'd felt right heading to the water tower. Maybe some 'muscle memory', just the overwhelming day, or some other calling... but Tifa had followed.
"Yeah. I mean, might be some option somewhere, Shinra give up on stuff if it doesn't work out first try, after all..."
"Either way though, this is us for the time being. Gonna have to get used to it."
"Yeah... still feels so weird to feel attracted to myself," Tifa muttered.
"...huh?"
Tifa panicked for a second, but sighed.
"Look, Cloud, I... think I should be honest. I..."
Cloud felt her face warm up as Tifa's blush faded and determination set in.
"I, uh... think I know where this is going," She admitted, finding herself leaning over...
"Hurry up and kiss her!" Aeris shouted from the ground below.
"Wha?! Goddamn it, Aeris!" Tifa fumed.
"...Screw it, let's shut her up," Cloud sighed, and grabbed Tifa to pull him into a kiss.
"Woo! Me next!"
The two, still in embrace, each gave one finger in retort as Aeris giggled.