They reached Kalm soon enough, and Cloud-in-Tifa wasn't quite as chilly, but still cold. The bodyswapped Nibelheimer kept having to fight the urge to rub his, er, her, arms. Because there was a risk of accidentally rubbing something else in the process.
"I think we need to buy a jacket or something," Cloud said.
"Yeah, even if we do switch I wasn't exactly dressed for travel," Tifa said.
"My advice is one a little bigger than mine, it's not much good ether," Aeris added.
"Well, that's settled, let's go see if there's somewhere to buy a jacket still open!"
"Wait, what? What store would be open this late?" Aeris frowned.
"Aeris, this is a small town. The store is always open," Cloud noted.
"Yeah, lil' miss City Slicker, you got a few things to learn about life outside Midgar, I guess. You ladies go get Cloud a new jacket, me and Red'll head for the Inn. Get your butts there ASAP," Barret said.
"Actually, uh, Aeris, do you mind going with Barret just now, it's just, well... I kinda wanna talk to Tifa alone about something," Cloud said nervously, expecting...
...Aeris gave the catlike grin he anticipated.
"Alrighty then!"
They watched the Cetra walk off after the talking lion-wolf thing and Barret. Tifa sighed.
"I dread to think what she thought we're gonna do," Cloud's body said.
"Well, apart from get a jacket there is something I need to talk about.... I'm not sure how to phrase it, so I need to ask you not to try cut in while I speak," Tifa's voice said.
Tifa, in Cloud's body, looked at her own body.
"Just try."
And Cloud began.
"I was there in Nibelheim five years ago... but I was hiding, I never made it into SOLDIER. Not really. I was just a grunt at the time, but when I was thinking back, when we first saw that Sephiroth was there... I remembered it differently. I remembered it like I'd been there as a SOLDIER. But the SOLDIER who was there, was Zack Fair. And I don't want to mention him in front of Aeris because I'm ninety-nine percent sure he was her boyfriend, and he's dead, and she doesn't really know but I know she suspects it and the more I think about it the past few weeks I've been acting a lot like Zack so it's as if I somehow had his memories and I know I have SOLDIER level enhancements and don't know why but the point is we need to explain why Sephiroth's bad news to the others and what he did," He said, then gasped for breath.
Tifa just blinked for a few seconds as Cloud panted, chest rising and heaving....
"...Tifa?"
"...I just thought you needed to use the bathroom or something, not all that," She finally said.
"Sorry, I know it's kind of a lot, but we can't freak out about it right now, you try explain Nibelheim in a short version, we'll try figure out..." Cloud trailed off
Tifa then suddenly blushed.
"Uh, yeah, sorry! I wasn't looking at your chest! My chest! Nibelheim, I wasn't looking at Nibelheim!"
"...What?"
"I mean, er, I can try fill them in, you can say stuff about like mercenary work over the last five years or whatever, we don't need to tell them everything and wait how the hell does this even work?! Memories are in the brain, so how can we remember our own lives? Shouldn't I remember your life?!"
"Tifa, please, we'll talk about all this later, but right now we need to keep it together!" Cloud said urgently, especially as a passing townsperson was looking at them strangely.
"Yeah... Okay, we'll give them a summary... And get you a jacket. Maybe a loose one..."
"Oh, and, uh... I kinda do need to use the bathroom now you mention it," Cloud turned red.
"Right, okay, jacket and then the inn, you can go there I hope..."
The two walked into the inn a few minutes later, Cloud now wearing a brown leather bomber jacket, fairly well worn, but the right size, and fairly cheap.
"You two are late," Barret grumbled.
"Have fun?" Aeris raised an eyebrow.
"No, we just talked about... Sephiroth, and our hometown. Nibelheim. It was a little town like this, until five years ago," Cloud sighed.
"An' Sephiroth wiped it out?" Barret spoke.
Tifa gave the explanation, Cloud now doubting his own memories, even if Tifa was now baffled as to how the whole body-swap thing worked thanks to the mention of memories. Her short summary explained he'd found claims his mother was Jenova, thought he was an Ancient, found the monsters made in the reactor, went nuts, burnt the town down, and her last memory of the night was being nearly killed by Sephiroth.
"Gave me a hell of a scar... but, uh, Cloud has it for now, I guess. It's kinda across my upper chest, so, trust me, it's there."
"...Can Cloud show me it?" Aeris said.
"A-Aeris!" Cloud squeaked.
"It's not that important," Barret said hastily.
"Oh, right, humans get weird about teats, I was wondering what the problem was," Red XIII added.
"Look, the point is, Sephiroth found the experiments, went nuts, and then... well, he was supposedly killed. But obviously not. He's after the 'promised land' as well, because he thinks it's his birthright. Thinks it'll make him a god or something, just like Shinra think it'll make them gods," Cloud said.
"...You learn all that in SOLDIER? Bet you must've been pissed hearin' your buddy did that to your town. Sephiroth was SOLDIER too, right?" Barret said
Cloud sighed.
"...I was never actually in SOLDIER properly. I just got enhanced like one somewhere, after I was captured by Hojo. And I learned about it while I was there in Nibelheim too. Tifa didn't know I was there until I told her earlier."
"Damn. How?"
"He was one of the infantrymen, he never took his helmet off. Thought he'd failed... And I thought I'd... kinda imagined him there after I got hurt, but I guess I wasn't imagining."
Tifa then frowned.
"Cloud... What do you remember about it? You went off after Sephiroth, I remember now... but how aren't we dead too?"
"I have no idea. Maybe... that other SOLDIER showed up and beat him."
"The papers did say he died. But Shinra controls the papers," Tifa noted.
"So much of this doesn't make sense," Aeris sighed.
"...Yeah, this crap just hurts my brain, I'm going for a walk, leave the thinkin' to you," Barret grumbled, walking out of the room.
"I'll go too, it's nice to be outside again," Red XIII said.
"...Guess it's just us girls then," Aeris smirked.
"Uh, Cloud's a guy? In my body?"
"Still counts as a girl, and you've got a girl's mind..."
"And you've got a filthy one," Cloud muttered.
"Heard that! And I don't deny it!" Aeris practically sang.
Both Cloud and Tifa blushed.
"But, seriously... If Jenova wasn't an ancient, what was it? And why did Sephiroth think he was a Cetra too?"
"We don't know," Cloud could only say.
"Anyway, I think we should get some rest. Cloud, if you wake up first, wake me up, we still have some things to talk about," Tifa said.
"Ooh, can I listen?" Aeris said.
"It's just stuff about the past," Cloud deflected.
Tifa blinked awake the next morning, and groaned to realise she was still in Cloud's body.
"Great, not wearing off any time soon," S/he muttered, looking around the room.
The other three human(oid)s were still sleeping, but the sound of Cloud's voice... er, Tifa's... wait, how did this work? The point was, the voice had woken Red, who blinked at Tifa.
"Can you try make sure the others stay asleep a bit, me and Cloud need to talk about something."
"Oh. You're still in each others bodies?"
"Looks like it," Tifa pulled the covers aside, and realised with a blush that male bodies had a potential for a morning problem, one Cloud's body had encountered.
"...Not this though," S/he hastily noted.
"Not what? Oh, your penis, right. Humans are so awkward sometimes," Red mused.
"...Yeah, we are."
A few moments later, Cloud was awoken by a still-blushing Tifa, to finish their conversation.
"Alright, so... What happened after Nibelheim to you?" Tifa began the questions when they'd got outside.
"I remember like a tank of mako... or something. Whatever happened when I fought Sephiroth, I guess Hojo got me... and Zack. He broke me out, somehow. I was pretty much out of it, I guess. We almost reached Midgar when we were attacked. Zack was killed... And I somehow got to Sector Seven, and then you found me."
"...Okay. Because when I was explaining Nibelheim, I kept remembering you in his place sometimes. Like your mind was making me believe it but my own memories were there too. Whatever was done to you, I think it's messed with your memories, and this bodyswap kinda fixed it."
Cloud winced.
"But that might mean whatever was done to me will affect you... I really wish we knew more. Or that we were at least in our own bodies."
"Well, we can't worry about it, we need to keep moving to catch Sephiroth and stop him... somehow."
They reached the Chocobo Ranch, found the slain Zolom, and entered the old Mythril Caves, where they heard voices.
A dark-skinned bald man in sunglasses and a blue suit, speaking to a blonde woman in the same type of suit, were the source.
"Just a second!" The bald man challenged.
"...Turks," Cloud sighed.
"Angry Turks, thanks to what you did to Reno!" The blonde fumed.
"Especially since it got you promoted," the bald man muttered, but looked down over his glasses at Tifa... or rather, Cloud.
"S-Sir! Please!"
"He's checking your body out, should we tell him?" Aeris whispered to Tifa as Elena sputtered.
"...No."
"Anyway, yeah, we're Turks, and we're here to chase Sephiroth, and stop you from going to Junon like him!" Elena then said.
"Thanks," Cloud said, and rushed the two, a quick shriek from Elena followed as she was punched out, and then Rude was highkicked.
"Let's go... Ah, crap, another one?"
"Wait a seco-" Aeris began, but Tseng met the same unconcious fate as his underlings as Angry Cloud-In-Tifa's body vented some frustrations.
"Owch, sucks to be them," Barret noted.
"...What a woman," Rude said as he passed out.
"Ooh, sorry, Tseng... Tifa, between us girls, was it nearly, you know, that time of the month?" Aeris said.
"Oh holy &@$^, when it is, this is gonna suck," Tifa realised with horror.
And then grinned.
"And it's not gonna suck for me!"
"Yeah, yeah, good for you, let's move," Barret grumbled.
The party moved off, except a puzzled Red.
"Uh, shouldn't we tie them up or something? Or kill them maybe? It just seems they might be a problem what with them following us? Humans? Hello?"
Red sighed.
"...Fine, I'm stealing some of their shit," the lion-wolf creature mused, sticking his snout into Rude's pockets.
In the forests, there was a ninja.
Sadly, for her, Cloud still had some anger issues it seemed. And Tifa had joined in.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, uncle, I give up! You got me! Now round two, and none of this PMS'y rage shit, okay?!" The Wutaian yelped.
"Not interested, just be on your way," Cloud sighed.
"Oh, sure, big tits, you're gonna run away? Don't want spiky-head there seeing what a real woman is like in a fight, huh?!"
Aeris frowned.
"What am I, chopped liver?"
"You're not very good at fighting, is what you are! None of you are, if it wasn't six on one I'd have kicked your asses."
"...Six?" Barret wondered.
"You five and Aunt Flo!"
"For the last damn time I am not PMS'ing!" Tifa shouted, getting a confused look from the Mystery Ninja
"No one said you were. Wait, are you a woman?"
"If I say yes will you go away and leave us alone?"
"...If the pink dress chick gives me that materia in her hair, I'll go away."
"Nope," Aeris said.
"Fine, then, I guess you all need my help what with being so bad at fighting!"
"Screw this, I'm knocking her out," Cloud said, making the Ninja yelp.
"Okay, okay, sorry! But... seriously, never mind, good luck to you guys, be on your way, be thankful I have mercy!"
"Uh, you lost?" Red noted.
"...Holy shit, you can talk? So there's a dude with a gun on his arm with a talking dog and a harem? What is this, a manga?"
"Cloud's a guy!" Tifa noted.
"...So the dog is Cloud?"
"The dog is red, he's Cloud!" Tifa pointed.
"Let's just go," Aeris said, leading the way.
The ninja blinked.
"...That's a guy? Bullshit. Hey, wait! Hang on, I need to understand whats going on here! You didn't even get my name, I'm Yuffie!" She shouted, chasing after them.
"...How did this happen?" Tifa groaned as they set up camp.
"I still don't know myself. And now Yuffie knows what happened so I guess she has to come. Or we kill her, your call," Cloud shrugged.
"...Tempting, but no, she is actually useful in a fight, and she hates Shinra too."
"Hey, wait, there are only two tents?" Yuffie shouted as she neared, carrying firewood.
"Girls and boys, yeah. Unless you have your own," Aeris said.
"I do, but - Cloud and Tifa should share though, since it's not right to have a girl in a guy's body with the guys and the other way around!" Yuffie said.
"Wait, that still means-" Cloud began, but was cut off.
"I agree!" Aeris then said.
"Cool, Red and I get one to ourselves? Hope ya don't snore!" Barret grinned.
"You do," Cloud muttered.
"That's settled then, the two bodyswappers get a tent!"
"Can we go back to that thing about killing her?" Tifa sighed.
Morning came, and the pair remained in each others bodies still. They completed the trek, reaching Junon, or rather, the village below it.
After a young girl named Priscilla was harmed by a monster that had attacked her Dolphin friend, the party defeated it and saved her from drowning... or rather, Tifa did, when the old man demanded the 'young man' perform CPR.
It earned them a free night in the Inn, at least. Only to be awoken by music from above, and learn there was a way up top for one member of the party. Namely Tifa, in Cloud's body.
"...Wait, so, the dolphin flips me up to catch the pole?" Tifa fretted.
"Maybe I should do it," Cloud suggested.
"Nah, Cloud can do it!" Priscilla said.
The party had not filled the girl in on the situation, but the statement still earned a giggle from Yuffie.
"Wait... that leads to the airfield, right? Clo... Tifa'll know the way better, right?"
"But without the mako enhancements the voltage might kill any of us, so it has to be, " Aeris noted.
"...This is already crazy so, what if I carried ...Tifa... piggybacked?"
"What?!" Barret shouted.
"It could work," Aeris noted.
"And could get you both killed," Yuffie also noted.
"But 'Cloud' wandering around blind could get 'him' killed, so..." Cloud shrugged.
And so, hanging onto his own back, in the body of the woman who was in his body, a Dolphin flipped them both up to the top of a tower.
Only the second craziest thing to happen to them in the past few days.