Or, God Save The Changelings From The Queen: The Drabble.
"But we're atheists!"
Y'all are fucked then ain't ya?
"Shit."
Changeling societies were far more complex than many other beings first assumed. Though all Changelings had the same basic appearances at first glance, there were differences and there were, like ponies, three subspecies or tribes. The Wasps had blue eyes and green magic, the Termites green eyes and red magic, the Ants red eyes and blue magic. As societies, the presumption of a hive mind was a misunderstanding. In actual fact the average changeling was no more a hive mind in the thrall of his or her queen than the average Pony was in a herd mentality in thrall to his or her princess.
"But we're atheists!"
Y'all are fucked then ain't ya?
"Shit."
Changeling societies were far more complex than many other beings first assumed. Though all Changelings had the same basic appearances at first glance, there were differences and there were, like ponies, three subspecies or tribes. The Wasps had blue eyes and green magic, the Termites green eyes and red magic, the Ants red eyes and blue magic. As societies, the presumption of a hive mind was a misunderstanding. In actual fact the average changeling was no more a hive mind in the thrall of his or her queen than the average Pony was in a herd mentality in thrall to his or her princess.
Ants were merely the more traditionalist, with a rigid caste system and loyalty to the Queen, but even Ants had long since abandoned the ideology of the hive mind, where the individual was seen as meaningless and the hive was above all. Termites were somewhat less traditionalist with the idea of castes gone. And Wasps had always been the more individualistic of all the Changeling tribes, sometimes even seen as antisocial and isolationist. At least, when they had been many nations, centuries ago...
It had taken a stern and iron will for Queen Chitin to conquer so many of her neighbours and form the Wasp Empire. It had taken the loyalty of a strong and powerful Praetorian Guard to keep power for Queen Stinger, King Buzzer, and Queen Woodpulp. It had taken awareness of the truth that their subjects were NOT drones, and it had taken Queen Thorax careful manipulations of the very individualities of the subjects to create a control stronger than any hive mind. It had taken all of those qualities for King Vertex and Queen Mandible to hold power during the rebellions, to rule through fear, ignorance, misinformation, propaganda, and warped loyalty through slim rewards and simple pleasures.
Above all, it had taken intelligence and cunning to create the lie of a hive in the Wasp Empire, a lie so powerful even solitary wasps had believed it as truth by the time of Queen Apocrita.
It would take a blithering idiot of a Queen to actually believe it herself. It would take a power-hungry moron of a monarch to think that the loyalty of the subjects was so strong as to enable the quick conquest of other nations far larger and more powerful than their own.
It was unfortunate therefore for her, and for many of her hapless subjects, that Queen Chrysalis was a blithering power-hungry moronic idiot. The least favoured of seven daughters, she had pretended she had schemed to arrange for the accident that killed her mother and six elder sisters but in truth she had went to the wrong side of the Nest-Castle for the family portrait and was therefore protected from the freak asteroid impact that had been claimed as a bomb.
And so, it was a fool of a Queen who didn't have the most basic understandings of her own people, let alone a sense of direction, that took the throne, and immediately began flushing away every dark success of her fore-bearers and ancestors. Ignorant of the complex web of lies spun to create the empire she had become ruler of, it was only a matter of time until she made mistakes that would lead to her downfall.
The most remarkable thing was that it took her so long.
"Insert random insecty-sounding curse here, that was a disaster! Henceforth it shall always be referred to as 'the misadventure'!" Chrysalis groaned to her remaining five thousand changelings.
She'd began the misadventure with nearly a million. She'd lost many in battle, and many more by sending them the wrong direction, and even more by sending herself the wrong direction.
"Er, Your Majesty, we have things like 'by the hive' and 'great buzzing wings'..." A nearby sycophantic Changeling fawned.
"Noted. Now, whose idea was that?! What fool suggested we do that?!"
The survivors quickly looked around for someone they didn't like. Someone, however, volunteered to die first.
"Yours, your majest-GAK!"
"Also, next 'ling to contradict me and therefore die, use a more generic name!" The Queen fumed.
"There isn't really one that anyone will recogni-AAAAAIE!"
"That's not even a dollar store brand name, what kind of an idiot was he?!"
"She, your majest-EEEEEEEE!"
"Wait, no, if I kill any more of you idiots I'll have no one to hide behind if the people we just attacked - and I use that term very loosely given they did a hell of a lot of the attacking for so-called defenders - come looking for revenge. Now, why was what we just did a bad idea, all the fault of those three idiots?"
A second sycophantic changeling spoke up.
"Well, Your Majesty, their foolish plan involved no reconnaissance whatsoever, using an untested inter-dimensional teleportation device that was constructed out of three magnets, a piece of copper pipe, and some bottle caps..."
"And chewing gum."
"Yes, and chewing gum..."
"Spearmint flavour."
"Yes, spearmint flavour..."
"It'd have gone a lot better with strawberry."
"Indeed, it would have... The plan was also flawed as targets were literally chosen by a coin toss, and the overall strategy failed to account for a number of aspects of changeling physiology."
"Such as?"
"We are not bulletproof, knifeproof, firstproof, or carproof, and we attacked the Human World during the middle of an NRA convention held at a NASCAR rally with an adjacent and horrifically-slash-conveniently placed combination Kitchen Knives and MMA Exhibition, fully aware that knives, guns, cars, fists, knifeguns, carknives and fistguns were available in large amounts at that area. As a result we have been shot, stabbed, punched and run over a lot and now have many, many, many superfluous new holes in our legs and bottoms. And that guy over there has one in his head, he just hasn't realised he should be dead yet."
"I should be? Oh, yeah, good poin-UUURGH!"
"That's not even a brand of generic slime-like toy either, moron... Ahem, er... Correct. One flaw though, if this was all such a terrible plan, why was it mine?" Chrysalis rounded upon the second sycophant
"But... it wasn't, Your Majesty!"
"Yes, it was. Someone execute him! Strawberry flavour execution!"
"But you said no one else would die! And how is that even possible?!"
"I lied! I'm bored and I need attention!"
"...Strawberry flavour execution is because you're bored?"
"Shut up while someone figures out how to kill you strawberry-flavoured! Also, it was 'bored and need attention', get it right."
"We could drown him in jam, I suppose."
"Yeah, but then we'd get Ants everywhere..." Chrysalis noted.
Meanwhile, in another changeling hive
"The fuck she would, like hell any of us are crazy enough to get within a hundred feet of this ridiculous caricature of Chrysalis that is clearly a cheap attempt by the author to have some crude, rude and childish fun based on..."
The Ant would have continued had there not been a sudden outbreak of bad puns based on him saying Chyrssalids instead of Chrysalis.
"I never said Chryssalids instead of Chrysalis!"
Too late, don't fuck with narrators.
Back at the Wasp Empire
"...And that method would... Did you just hear the sound of an entire hive full of ants being torn limb from limb by an angry alien with more teeth than the Osmond family what was inserted by a petty narrator taking out his frustrations on hapless joke characters?"
"Um, no... What is your great plan to revitalise our empire, Your Majesty?"
"I have one?"
"Yes, of course you do."
"I know, I said I have one. There wasn't a question mark, was there?"
"N-No, of course not..."
"Then why are you answering my question?! Banana-flavour execution!"
"This place is going to smell like a bloody smoothie by the time we figure out how to actually do all this!" A Changeling whined.
"Raspberrry!" Chrysalis screeched.
"That might actually work, I'm allergic to raspberries."
"Gha! Cancel all executions, including the ones I did!"
"That's not possible..." A changeling sighed, and was immediately executed so fast he could not make a silly noise.
"...Oh, so it is, you were right, sorry about that. Anyway, with our remaining forces, our force of... one, two, three... um... Lots! Lots of changelings, we shall launch a sudden and complex attack upon... er... Has anyone got a coin?"
Four thousand, nine hundred and ninety-five Changelings facehooved.
"Okay, heads it's Equestria, tails it's the Wasp Empire! We shall attack our target, killing their ruler in a brutal and painful manner before taking control of the inhabitants and eating their body parts even though we're actually vegetarians and don't even actually feed on emotions as such, it's just ponies are really fucking stupid and will believe anything you tell them!"
"Um, we do feed on emotions, what has she been smoking?"
"Shhh! Besides, getting hit by that car and inhaling all those gasoline fumes might have actually made her a little smarter!"
Most of the remaining changelings were now very enthusiastic at the prospect of killing the leader of the Wasp Empire, something that, to their regret, Chrysalis noted and used a double-headed coin.
"Fuck you, Narrator!"
Bite me, cheese-dick.
"Don't you mean cheese legs?"
Look closer.
"...AAAAAAGH!"
Say what you like but NASCAR-NRA-MMA-Kitchen Knife fans are really good shots hitting such small targets.
"I have decided! We shall attack Equestria! Rather than using a convoluted plan that actively renders itself pointless by being such a long and extensive process meaning it would be discovered almost right away, or indeed any plan as no plan survives contact with the enemy, we're going to just sneak in and hope to hell something like a wedding is happening and we can bullshit our way to a win while we try and pinch some fucking candlesticks or something and sell them on eBay!" Chrysalis said, unaware that A) that was a plan and B) she should have probably stopped for breath four or five times during all that.
"As for the many holes we now have that we didn't have before, we shall not stop to heal them! We shall have those wounds as reminders for our fallen and misplaced comrades! And to remind us to stick to stealing silverware rather than trying to steal cars that are actually moving at high speeds around a track! Must've lost about three thousand cannonfodderlings before I realised they were aiming for them...."
This news, mainly the part about the holes, was not too well received.
"...Even the holes in our bottoms, Your Majesty?" A brave soul spoke up.
"Especially the holes in your bottoms! Marks of shame earned while flying away!"
"But Your Majesty, those ones really hurt!"
She'd began the misadventure with nearly a million. She'd lost many in battle, and many more by sending them the wrong direction, and even more by sending herself the wrong direction.
"Er, Your Majesty, we have things like 'by the hive' and 'great buzzing wings'..." A nearby sycophantic Changeling fawned.
"Noted. Now, whose idea was that?! What fool suggested we do that?!"
The survivors quickly looked around for someone they didn't like. Someone, however, volunteered to die first.
"Yours, your majest-GAK!"
"Also, next 'ling to contradict me and therefore die, use a more generic name!" The Queen fumed.
"There isn't really one that anyone will recogni-AAAAAIE!"
"That's not even a dollar store brand name, what kind of an idiot was he?!"
"She, your majest-EEEEEEEE!"
"Wait, no, if I kill any more of you idiots I'll have no one to hide behind if the people we just attacked - and I use that term very loosely given they did a hell of a lot of the attacking for so-called defenders - come looking for revenge. Now, why was what we just did a bad idea, all the fault of those three idiots?"
A second sycophantic changeling spoke up.
"Well, Your Majesty, their foolish plan involved no reconnaissance whatsoever, using an untested inter-dimensional teleportation device that was constructed out of three magnets, a piece of copper pipe, and some bottle caps..."
"And chewing gum."
"Yes, and chewing gum..."
"Spearmint flavour."
"Yes, spearmint flavour..."
"It'd have gone a lot better with strawberry."
"Indeed, it would have... The plan was also flawed as targets were literally chosen by a coin toss, and the overall strategy failed to account for a number of aspects of changeling physiology."
"Such as?"
"We are not bulletproof, knifeproof, firstproof, or carproof, and we attacked the Human World during the middle of an NRA convention held at a NASCAR rally with an adjacent and horrifically-slash-conveniently placed combination Kitchen Knives and MMA Exhibition, fully aware that knives, guns, cars, fists, knifeguns, carknives and fistguns were available in large amounts at that area. As a result we have been shot, stabbed, punched and run over a lot and now have many, many, many superfluous new holes in our legs and bottoms. And that guy over there has one in his head, he just hasn't realised he should be dead yet."
"I should be? Oh, yeah, good poin-UUURGH!"
"That's not even a brand of generic slime-like toy either, moron... Ahem, er... Correct. One flaw though, if this was all such a terrible plan, why was it mine?" Chrysalis rounded upon the second sycophant
"But... it wasn't, Your Majesty!"
"Yes, it was. Someone execute him! Strawberry flavour execution!"
"But you said no one else would die! And how is that even possible?!"
"I lied! I'm bored and I need attention!"
"...Strawberry flavour execution is because you're bored?"
"Shut up while someone figures out how to kill you strawberry-flavoured! Also, it was 'bored and need attention', get it right."
"We could drown him in jam, I suppose."
"Yeah, but then we'd get Ants everywhere..." Chrysalis noted.
Meanwhile, in another changeling hive
"The fuck she would, like hell any of us are crazy enough to get within a hundred feet of this ridiculous caricature of Chrysalis that is clearly a cheap attempt by the author to have some crude, rude and childish fun based on..."
The Ant would have continued had there not been a sudden outbreak of bad puns based on him saying Chyrssalids instead of Chrysalis.
"I never said Chryssalids instead of Chrysalis!"
Too late, don't fuck with narrators.
Back at the Wasp Empire
"...And that method would... Did you just hear the sound of an entire hive full of ants being torn limb from limb by an angry alien with more teeth than the Osmond family what was inserted by a petty narrator taking out his frustrations on hapless joke characters?"
"Um, no... What is your great plan to revitalise our empire, Your Majesty?"
"I have one?"
"Yes, of course you do."
"I know, I said I have one. There wasn't a question mark, was there?"
"N-No, of course not..."
"Then why are you answering my question?! Banana-flavour execution!"
"This place is going to smell like a bloody smoothie by the time we figure out how to actually do all this!" A Changeling whined.
"Raspberrry!" Chrysalis screeched.
"That might actually work, I'm allergic to raspberries."
"Gha! Cancel all executions, including the ones I did!"
"That's not possible..." A changeling sighed, and was immediately executed so fast he could not make a silly noise.
"...Oh, so it is, you were right, sorry about that. Anyway, with our remaining forces, our force of... one, two, three... um... Lots! Lots of changelings, we shall launch a sudden and complex attack upon... er... Has anyone got a coin?"
Four thousand, nine hundred and ninety-five Changelings facehooved.
"Okay, heads it's Equestria, tails it's the Wasp Empire! We shall attack our target, killing their ruler in a brutal and painful manner before taking control of the inhabitants and eating their body parts even though we're actually vegetarians and don't even actually feed on emotions as such, it's just ponies are really fucking stupid and will believe anything you tell them!"
"Um, we do feed on emotions, what has she been smoking?"
"Shhh! Besides, getting hit by that car and inhaling all those gasoline fumes might have actually made her a little smarter!"
Most of the remaining changelings were now very enthusiastic at the prospect of killing the leader of the Wasp Empire, something that, to their regret, Chrysalis noted and used a double-headed coin.
"Fuck you, Narrator!"
Bite me, cheese-dick.
"Don't you mean cheese legs?"
Look closer.
"...AAAAAAGH!"
Say what you like but NASCAR-NRA-MMA-Kitchen Knife fans are really good shots hitting such small targets.
"I have decided! We shall attack Equestria! Rather than using a convoluted plan that actively renders itself pointless by being such a long and extensive process meaning it would be discovered almost right away, or indeed any plan as no plan survives contact with the enemy, we're going to just sneak in and hope to hell something like a wedding is happening and we can bullshit our way to a win while we try and pinch some fucking candlesticks or something and sell them on eBay!" Chrysalis said, unaware that A) that was a plan and B) she should have probably stopped for breath four or five times during all that.
"As for the many holes we now have that we didn't have before, we shall not stop to heal them! We shall have those wounds as reminders for our fallen and misplaced comrades! And to remind us to stick to stealing silverware rather than trying to steal cars that are actually moving at high speeds around a track! Must've lost about three thousand cannonfodderlings before I realised they were aiming for them...."
This news, mainly the part about the holes, was not too well received.
"...Even the holes in our bottoms, Your Majesty?" A brave soul spoke up.
"Especially the holes in your bottoms! Marks of shame earned while flying away!"
"But Your Majesty, those ones really hurt!"
"Oh, they'll stop hurting eventually, especially if you annoy me. Besides, do you think it'll make much difference to have a few more arseholes around here?"
"I doubt anyone will notice, they'll be distracted by the really big one in charge of us. Worth it- AAAAIE! Oh, hey, this is strawberry flavoured death... URK!"
"Told you I'd figure it out! Now, who was it was meant to be banana'd to death?"
"I doubt anyone will notice, they'll be distracted by the really big one in charge of us. Worth it- AAAAIE! Oh, hey, this is strawberry flavoured death... URK!"
"Told you I'd figure it out! Now, who was it was meant to be banana'd to death?"