This is going to be long and I may break it into a few chapters. Here’s a little background Before I tell this true “story.”  A very wise Master was kind enough recently to share some of His knowledge with me. The one most daunting fact he taught me was that Bondage is only a fantasy and not “real” unless to get to a point where you honestly want it to stop and you cannot end it. He told me that reaching that point and enduring it beyond what you think you can take is what allows a damsel to understand “real” bondage.  Additionally, once a sub has struggled and failed to escape from “real” bondage, that is when their body and mind can actually achieve acceptance of submissiveness and be suitable to live as a full time sun/slave to a Dom/Master.

the challenge is how do I do this and still be safe. I described the ordeal I decided in a post but I’ll recount it here too for convenience. I decided to put myself into extreme sensory deprivation tied in a strict ball tie locked in a dog crate I barely fit in. I’d have a massage wand set to “high” securely taped to my thighs and held by a crotch rope against my clit. So no escaping that. I’d have a safety spotterarrive after I was tied up so i wouldnt have the comfort of knowing they were in the room. I was going to ask them only to release me after 12 hours unless they sensed a true emergency, medical or otherwise. I even used a real first responder as my spotter.

The Prep:

I used a sturdy molded plastic crate almost 3 feet long, 18 inches wide and 18 inches tall. I could just barely turn around inside. I coukd not sit upright. The only position I could maintain would be a fetal position, or a ball tie. The latch on the door is the kind you squeeze from the top and bottom to operate the lock. I couldn’t squeeze it from inside because the openings in the door were too small. I had to use a zip tie to hold the lock squeezed open. Then I’d cut the zip tie from inside and push the box cutter through the opening and I’d be locked inside.

I tied my ankles and thighs above the knee with leather straps. The buckles were in front so I wouldn’t be able to reach them with my cuffed hands. I used a cotton rope crotch rope and duct tape to secure the wand. Its cord was connected to an extension cord outside of the crate so plenty of slack and I could not unplug it (although I’d eventually try to). I had a thick leather collar with a steel ring in front. I crawled into the crate like this.

Getting Helpless:

I knew I was making a mistake but I wanted to understand. I wanted to overcome inhibition and fear and oride and anything else that was keeping me from fully exploring my submissive impulses. I quickly secured the door as described.  I was now locked in  and felt committed.

Next I filled my mouth with a large wad of clean balled up gym socks. I packed my mouth tightly but not so much that my jaw felt stretched. That’s because I wanted to bite down on the gag when I started wrapping. Next I inserted noise cancelling ear buds in each ear. I use these at the shooting range. They block out all sound. Next inwrapped a king Ace bandage around my entire head except for my nose I was sure to wrap vertically under my chin and over the top of my head to control my jaw. Then I used about a half a roll of duct tape to wrap over top of the bandage I went slow and carefully so as not to cover my nose first and foremost, but also to make sure to compress the bandage layer. Once finished, my head felt like it was being squeezed from all sides in a firm hug. I could see and hear nothing. It was like a vaccum. My mouth was locked biting down on the socks packing it. I doubt I could make an audible sound (and I certainly couldn’t hear one if I could). I’m trembling a bit now typing this as i remember how it felt. I’d never been in such deep sensory deprivation before and it’s unnerving.

Next I curled into a ball and used a rock climbing clip to attach my knee belts to my collar. This pulled out some slack and tightened the knee tie. My chest was now held down almost flat against my thighs. I hesitated because this was the point of no return. I locked one wrist in a standard handcuff and double locked it. I then pushed the key out of the crate. I heard it land with a king on the concrete basement floor. Next I turned on the massage wand. Damn. I’m trembling again. The wand buzzed hard between my legs. I was excited and scared. I wanted to start my mental orgasm control exercises but I needed to finish my bondage first. I found the leather loop Id left cinching my ankles and pulled it as tightly as I could creating enough slack to work the loose end of the cuffs through it. Now all I had to do was ratchet my free wrist in the cuff and my hands would be secured and tethered to my ankles. I struggled to find the nerve. I think i hesitated secera minutes but time was hard to guage wrapped in my cocoon. Suddenly i got a pleasure jolt from the vibrator. For whatever reason, that was enough to focus me again. I ratcheted the cuff.

whenever I put myef into bondage the first thing i do is test it with small movements to find slack or weaknesses. Before i coukd even begin this well established practice, I was hit with a wave of regret and panic and doubt. I get like I was buried alive on the dark side of the moon. And I stupidly strained and thrashed in my small dog crate. But everywhere I pulled I was met with unyielding resistance from the leather, rope and steel that held me. Only my hands flattering about searching futilely for anything had any range of motion. No Tina.  You’re stuck for 12 hours with nothing but the buzzing wand on your clit to occupy your time

AndI mentally checked the first box. I could not get out. Escape for me was impossible. I knew that and checking that box caused me to exhale deeply But I still wanted to be there. I still needed to go through the process that would cause me to want to get out. And as if in cue, I began feeling the warming sensation from inside my womb that is a precursor to a climax. Time to focus on my exercises and on making it to the end….

The Ordeal:

I squeezed my thumbs one at a time, alternating them. I squeezed them until they hurt. Doing so have my body a strong sensation to deal with instead of just the one buzzing away. I’ve had success fending off orgasms in this way for fairly long time frames, AND while bound tighter than this. However,I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold out for 12 hours so it would more be about managing them than preventing. So I eased into the first one. I relaxed my hands and thought about the pins and needles I was feeling along my lips. The strong vibrations transferred by the crotch rope sunk deeply inside me. It was coming but I was bringing it in a controlled way. My hips rolled as much as the bondage would allow in my usual rhythm. This was OK, I thought. I moaned silently into my socks. This is actually freaking great. I relaxed completely. The orgasm was a 7 instead of the 5 I was prepared for. I lurched and was held fast by the collar tether. the abruptness jolted me. I would have rolled but as I was, I could only shift my weight. I felt the side of the crate.  It was rough where the previous occupant had scratched into its plastic sides. I’d soon be reduced to instincts myself. The first orgasm was finishing and I was breathing hard but controlled. I prepared myself for after shocks that didn’t come. It was surprising. And encouraging. But only momentarily.

Becoming Broken:

The Master had told me He thought I needed to be broken. He meant that I needed it to find myself. But I also think He saw potential.  I like to think that anyway. He explained to me what it meant to be broken,  But I don’t remember how he described it. And im sure I didn’t understand it from his words. But I learned In the crate.

Instead of after shocks, I rolled right into another orgasm. It had only been 10 or 15 minutes and I was quickly losing control. In hindsight, I lost control when I crawled into the crate because everything that happened from there was unstoppable. This one was more like a 9. And now I was concerned. So I went to my best trick. “This was part of the plan,” I told myslef. I repeated the mantra steady and slow. It was true. This was all planned. This was happening as I wanted it. My spotter was standing 3 feet away from by now. Everything was fine. My thoughts and the buzzing both occupied my senses that were available. And I regained my composure enough to enjoy the 2nd one. I rolled my head. It felt heavy from the layers of wrapping. I was tired from fasting for 12 hours before going in. I didn’t want anything solid needing to come out I’m glad i took that precaution, but I was also feeling a little lightheaded. The sensory deprivation was already highly disorienting. I was noticing my hunger now. Good. Another distraction. But only a minor onI dealt with a steady stream of 7’s for what id estimate to be an hour. Just one after the other. My mantra and my breathing kept me managing them. I started to believe I might not break. And I believe somehow forming that thought triggered my demise. I heard the Master telling me I had to break. I was made for this. And I suddenly felt so warm inside. It turns out that I peed but I didn’t know that at the time. And i suddenly “saw” myself from outside the crate. It was a true out of body experience. I was in my basement. Alone. No Spotter. And the Master said Submit. And now I felt a stronger one coming. It was a 9 for sure. Oh God how long did I have left. I lurched against the bondage. No slack at all. Break damnit. Break slut. The buzzing overpowered me. It’s part of the plan. Yes, said the Master. Part of MY plan. I screamed as hard as I could but my mouth didn’t move and no sound came out. The orgasm was wracking me. I stretch and clwaed with my fingers looking for my tether ropes,’looking for the cord to the wand, fluttering helplessly and impotently. You must break. I felt like I woke up even though I don’t remember losing consciousness. I was soaking wet inside and out. Sweat coated my body. How long had I been struggling. How many times had i cum. No idea. How much longer will I be here?  I screamed again. I tried to throw my body against the crate but i…

That’s when it switched. I not only wanted out, I NEEDED out. I was filled with animal  instincts screaming at me to get out.  I fought and struggles with everything and it did nothing. I was overpowered and owned by some belts and a massage wand. I was overcome by the rolling orgasms  that were no longer explosions of pleasure but were now just sensory shrapnel tearing me to shreds. I thought I would go insane or I’d die.

The Aftermath:

I regained consciousness on the ground outside the crate with the spotter unwrapping my head. I was still bound but the buzzing was turned off. I don’t remember him pulling me out. He advised me that I had lasted about 6 hours. I had passed out a few times and he would shake the crate and I’d come to. I don’t remember him ever shaking the crate. He finally pulled the plug when my hands went totally limp and I stopped responding to crate shaking.

I was only halfway there.

I feel like I recieved a gift of understanding. I do believe I understand the difference between playing with bondage and being truly dominated. But what I still need to know is what it would be like to be dominated at this level by another person. That’s the missing piece. And it’s the piece I don’t know how to find.

that’s the end. I hope you enjoyed.