It was one of those mornings.

Not a morning where something terrible happened. Or a morning where I thought something terrible was going to happen.

It was one of those mornings where I wake up and wonder what I am even doing with myself. I thought about the people around me. It only made me sad. The things that would motivate me before I went to sleep made me feel like I could never measure up. If I were gone today, would anything change? Would I finally be truly free?

Those feelings were back again. I thought I had worked through them almost a decade ago. With what felt like no one’s help, I worked through my feelings, came to understand myself, and became comfortable with myself. I no longer wanted to die and accepted reality.

Only to leave behind my family. Eventually, I left behind my best friend. I wonder what he’s doing now. I’m sure if I asked, they would tell me.

I was tired of it all. I was tired of trying to live for my family. I couldn’t keep living for my friends. Will I be able to live for myself? That’s what I moved to Lancaster to find out.

Is there value in what I do, and is it something I value?

My alarm started to go off, and I knew that regardless of how I felt now, I would have to get ready. After all, I can still take one more step forward.

I cleaned my apartment as it had managed to become disheveled with use and time. Put away my futon and set out the chabudai and a pair of zabuton.

Once I was confident everything was prepared, I worked on brewing some tea while I let an anime play in the background. Something that I wouldn’t mind having on and that my sister would also appreciate.

Nock Nock!

I answered the door to find my sister standing in the walkway. She’s still looking healthy. Certainly holding on to the better genes in the family. “You’re rather punctual.”

“Yeah, well, you’re as bad as Dad when it comes to your plans, even if they are someone elses.” My sister made her way in, leaving her shoes at the door. “So this is what you’re doing now?”

“It’s certainly easier.” Closing the door, I placed the tea set on the table and poured the warm water into the teapot.

“Really rocking the Japanese style, huh?” My sister took a seat and started watching the anime I put on. “Do you have any snacks to go with this?”

“Did you want snacks or actual food?” I showed her the lunch sets I got from Ericson’s Convenience Store and a plastic bag with various Asian snacks I bought from the market.

“Both is good.”

I set the bag on the table and both lunch sets in the microwave. “So, are you here to convince me to move in with mom or go to college?”

“Oh, I don’t really care what you do. Mom did tell me to do that. And Dad wanted me to ask how you were doing. As for the rest of us, it's not like you don’t reply to the group chat from time to time. And we are all adults now. Just knowing you’re alive doesn’t is enough.”

“Well, you can tell Mom, just as I keep texting her, I don’t want to go back to school. I’ll go ahead and call Dad later.”

“Sounds good.”

We both ate and hung out for a bit longer. She and her fiancee were in town for vacation. She was visiting out of obligation, if nothing else.

I guess that isn’t to say that she doesn’t care. But after finishing off my snacks and her lunch, we bid each other farewell, and my apartment was again empty.

I pulled out my phone and messaged my best friend. I sent him some links to art of attractive anime girls on Twitter, and he did the same. This led to us talking about video games. What we’re excited for and how we felt about what we’re currently playing.

I have family who loves me and friends who care about me. So why can’t I just be happy?

My phone buzzed again; it was Bridget this time.

[Could you chill with all your brooding? I can feel your hado from here.]

[Sorry, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.]

[If you want to kill whoever, then just do it already. Your killing intent is making studying hard.]

[You know, you’re the only other person I know who uses punctuation when text messaging.]

I wonder if my sister could feel it too? Not that it mattered, she probably didn’t notice since I was trying to hide it while she was here.

Humans. People. It doesn’t feel as strong now that I’ve had my sister to talk with, and Bridget's pension for punctuation made me chuckle a little. But, yes. I would like for them to die. I would like to be alone and away from everyone until I am nothing but an empty man who has driven away all traces of their humanity.

And yet, at the same time, I am a magical girl who believes in their potential and loves to see her friends succeed and her family happy. I want to bring joy and hope to others, and I can’t help but continue searching for the elusive path. One where I can see the dreams of everyone I care for fulfilled. Where greed or feelings of self-importance do not pervert happiness.

Why do others seek my validation when I do not feel any validation in myself. Why does Bridget insist I become the perfect magical girl I’ve always dreamed of being when in reality, I cannot change who I am.

[Do you wanna talk about it?]

I didn’t reply. Instead, I pulled out my futon, curled up under the covers, and cried to myself.