“Yes?” said James Hacker Jr. Ambassador to the Netherlands answering the phone.

“I have Sir Humphrey on line one Ambassador," replied Bernadette.

"Good God! What can he want? Put him through."

"Sir Humphrey Appleby, Sir," announced Bernadette.

"Uncle Humphrey, how are you?"

"James, so good to speak. I'm afraid I'm phoning with a bit of a problem," said Sir Humphrey.

"You have a problem, Humphrey?"

"Well actually no... you have the problem."

"I.. I have a problem?"

"Yes, the Prime Minister has caught wind of a rumour that you've granted a visitors visa to a pair of dykes. Plus one of them is a defector and the daughter of a government official. Is there any basis for fact in this?"

"It's possible Sir Humphrey, I sign a lot of visas. Why would this be so bad Sir Humphrey? Both women will be collared and belted while visiting. Gagged and leashed in public too."

"Our entire moral regeneration of society has been focused on rooting out these sexual deviants. These sapphic sociopaths, are dangerous and you've granted access to two of them."

"Is the PM very upset?"

"Let us just say there has been a lot of talk about setting up an embassy in Greenland."

"Oh God, what can we do Humphrey?"

"We Ambassador? I'm afraid this falls way outside of my remit. I was just calling to advise you of the situation."

"I can't cancel the visas, it'll cause a huge stink in the media over here. We're trying to regenerate tourism and this will ruin months of work."

"Indeed, Ambassador."

"We can't have them arrested on some charge either. That'll be even worse when they get back."

"Quite so, Ambassador."

"Do you have any suggestions, Humphrey?"

"Well something you just said, Ambassador, has given me an idea..."

"Go on..."

"Well the media, Ambassador."

"The media, Humphrey?"

"Perhaps it could be made to work in your favour, Ambassador?"

"How so Humphrey, I'm not sure what you're driving at?"

"Well Ambassador it can be a double edged sword can it not? If you were to send a film crew along, to show how welcoming we are to hetro couples, how quickly we process the gentleman's lady, and deliver her to him leashed and gagged for his enjoyment while visiting our shores. But then show how we thoroughly search, inspect and probe suspected lesbians, before allowing them entry...."

"Especially if we are extra thorough with these two dykes. We could hold them at immigration for a couple of days, while their paperwork is triple checked, cavity searches, interrogations all on film. Then we release it as an infomercial to attract heterosexual couples and deter lesbians from visiting."

"What an excellent idea, Ambassador!"

"Thank you, Humphrey. Do you think such film would mollify the PM?"

"A VT of two dykes being held in bondage and having their cavities painfully probed? I can't speak for the PM's tastes, but politically it ought to get you off the hook."

"Sir Humphrey, would you know of any film crews that could be relied on for such a task?"

"I think I could rustle up such a team, Ambassador."

"Can I leave this matter with you then Humphrey?"

"Yes, Ambassador."