“All rise for the honourable Judge Hilbert,” the Bailiff stated.

I stood their uncomfortably as the judge came in and took a seat. I looked over at my ex wife and gave her a bitter glare, this case was pointless and I didn’t even get how it went this far.

“You may be seated,” the judge said as he began to read through the case notes. “I see that this is a custody battle between Mr and Miss Dawson about for the custody of Mr Dawson’s genitals?”

“Excuse me your honour but can you please refrain from referring to the genitals as the property of my ex husband, it indicates you have a bias opinion in this case,” my ex spoke up.

“My apologies Miss Dawson, I assure you this won’t happen again,” the judge stated.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I yelled at the judge. “It is my penis, I was born with it and the fact that this has even gotten this far is a mockery of modern justice,” I yelled my frustrations to the judge.

The judge banged his gavel down, “Order Mr Dawson otherwise I’ll see you thrown out and you’ll see no representation in this case, do I make myself clear?”

“Yes…” I gritted my teeth as I sat back down.

“Very well let us continue, Miss Dawson I’d like to hear from you first, why do you think you should hold full custody over the penis?”

My ex stood up with such confidence as she looked over at me and gave a wicked smile. “Well your honour for the past 10 years I have been with Mr Dawson and in that time I have taken excellent care of the penis. My first reaction with it was when I took its virginity and since then I have cared and nurtured it in ways Mr Dawson never could, or was willing to try,” she argued.

“A compelling argument, Mr Dawson why do you think you should have custody over the penis?” The judge asked me.

“Are you kidding?” I asked in disbelief but when the judge gave me a look I changed my approach. “I was born with it, it’s mine by default,” I stated.

“So by that logic children should always belong to their parents,” my wife commented. “Why shouldn’t the penis get a say in who it lives with? I bring it joy and happiness and it’s aroused whenever it’s around me. While Mr Dawson uses it as a tool to piss with and leads it astray by making it have unfaithful erections about other women, while we were together mind you, also when he shows it affection it’s rough and quick. When I show the penis affection it lasts a long time and I give it a gentle touch. Your honour it’s quite clear who should take custody over the penis, I am showing you passion and a clear reason why, while my ex husband's argument is he should have custody because it has always belonged to him.”

“So what? You’d be fine if I fought for custody over your vagina or breasts?” I asked her in a sarcastic tone.

“You could try,” she said with a smug tone. “But with my vagina and breasts once again you only have interactions with them when you lust after them. Sure you’ve bought my breasts underwear but it was unsupportive and only their for display. While my vagina you only want to bring yourself pleasure, I’m the one who takes care if it every month when it’s sore and tender.”

I was about to say something when the judge raised his hand motioning for us to stop. “It’s quite clear who here cares more about the penis, so I am offering custody of every second weekend…”

Every second weekend wasn’t so bad, I wasn’t happy with the idea but it’s only 2 days in a fortnight that she has my penis.

“To Mr Dawson. The rest of that time, Miss Dawson will be the prime custodian of the penis.”

My ex wife turned towards me and barely contained a giggle, while my face dropped.

“How can you do this?” I pleaded. “This isn’t fair.”

The judge wasn’t listening and had already gotten up to leave as the bailiff carried the container holding my penis and handed it over to her.

“I guess I’ll see you in two weeks,” she taunted as she left the courtroom with my genitals.