The Dam Breaks

After I was in my quarters I laid the debit card on my dresser and took a shower and got dressed for bed. I was excited that I was going to be able to leave the tower! Once I was in bed my excitement got the best of me and after tossing and turning trying to get to sleep I gave up and went to the other room and fired up the T.V. As I was sitting on the couch watching the most
boring show I could find my thoughts started to wander. While I was still very happy to get out of the tower for a while It sunk in that it would be the first time I will be out in public since... since I came to look like I do now. Trepidation slowly replaced the excitement I was feeling earlier. I got up and went out to the common area outside my apartment and went to the window and stared out at the city. Even this late at night it was busy. I just stood there with my arms crossed in front of me watching the city go about it's business. I don't know how long I had stood there when I heard the elevator open up behind me. I turned to see who it was and was surprised that it was Lady Liberty. I was introduced to her by Raven when I first arrived but had only seen her in passing since then. Was she staying on this floor? She surprised me by walking up right up to me.

“Good evening Scott. Enjoying the view?” she asked with a warm smile.

“Uh, for the most part. Been thinking mostly.” I replied nervously. Other then my brief introduction when I first got here I knew nothing about her so I was slightly intimidated. At my new shorter height she was a little physically intimidating to me as well. If she wasn't six foot tall she was very close to it. With her height and muscular build combined she seemed like she towered over my lithe, 5'4” frame.

“I understand that Tess Atom is coming over tomorrow to take you out for a change of scenery.” She said lightly.

“Yeah, That's kinda why I'm up still.” I said. Her smile and warm expression were putting me more at ease with her.

“Excited and nervous?” She asked simply.

“Heh, that is a pretty good summary actually.” I replied ruefully.

“Would you like to talk about it?” Liberty asked as she took a seat on one of the couches near by.

I followed her lead and sat down on the other end of the couch and after a pause to collect my thoughts I started talking, “Well... It's hard to know where to start but I've felt... wrong. Ever since I was captured and transformed I feel like... like I'm loosing a bit of my self every day.” I let out a sigh. “This is hard to talk about. To put in words.” I finished while sitting with my legs curled up on the couch and my arms crossed over my chest.

“You're doing fine Scott.” She said while resting a hand on my knee. “Can you tell me why?” She prompted gently.

Her demeanor was further putting me at ease with her. With another deep sigh I gathered my thoughts and continued, “It's hard to describe... One day I was going on with my life, business as normal. I'd graduated from school a few years ago and was well established in my I.T. Job when my kidnapping brought everything to a screeching halt.” I paused again for a moment and
continued. “There wasn't a day that I was held captive that I didn't try to escape for the most part. There were a few days where the experiments that were being done on me wiped me out for a couple of days here and there but I was always trying to think of a way to get free.” At this point the tears started forming again. “I've NEVER felt so helpless. I wasn't a weightlifter be any stretch of the imagination but I did keep in good shape. Nothing I did to try to get away from that damnable gorilla worked. I was like a gnat to it! I didn't even get a reaction out of when I hit it with all my strength and it never made a mistake in it's routine where I could have broke out of my cell or slipped past it to try to get away...” I stopped to let myself calm down and rubbed the tears away with the heel of my palms.

After a couple of moments I picked up where I left off' “I spent day after day being experimented on. Every time it was excruciatingly painful. All the while the injections and whatever type of radiation or other weird energy I was being subjected to caused my body to change. I was helpless the entire time to stop any of it!” I was getting angry again. I couldn't help myself. Id kept all these thoughts and rage at my situation to myself all these weeks and now that I started talking about my ordeal I couldn't hold it in check anymore.

“WHY?” I shouted. Tears flowing freely now. My hands balled up in to fists in front of me. “It catches me off guard almost every time I see my reflection in the mirror! I see this instead of me!” I shouted, gesturing at myself with one hand, “Every time it happens I feel like I lose another part of myself! Why! Why wasn't I strong enough to do something about it? I've NEVER done wrong to anybody. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME!”

Lady Liberty with a sympathetic expression wordlessly engulfed me in a hug. I had held my emotions in check for the most part for all this time but now the dam had been broken and all my anguish and grief poured out of me as I bawled like child, wrapped in her comforting embrace.

My sobs finally died down and I lifted my head from her shoulder and moved back to where I was sitting before, “Sorry about that.” I sniffled, “Sorry I blew up like that, I didn't mean to do that.” I noticed her eyes were wet too.

“Scott, You've needed to let that out since the day this happened to you.” She said taking my hands in hers. “I've heard you shouting and crying in your sleep when passing by your room at night and have seen you bottling up your emotions while Raven has been working with you these past weeks. I will be here ANY time you need to talk, regardless of the topic.” She finished with a warm smile.

“Thank you, that means a lot to me.” I replied. “I guess I didn't realize how bottled up I was.”

“Scott, I know this isn't going to be easy to hear but you need to find a way to make the best out of the situation, or it is going to continue tearing you up inside and have ling term effects. Besides, being a woman isn't all that bad.” She said with a mock punch to my arm.

That got me thinking, “It's not so much the fact that I'm a.... a woman now. I mean is DOES factor in to everything but whats effecting me more is the fact that I'm not ME anymore. I was happy with who and what I was. My identity. I was a man and happy to be one. I was comfortable and content with who I was.” I paused for a moment and continued. “There are people out there that this would be a blessing if it happened to them. For me though it has me far removed from what I identified with as 'me'. It makes me feel lost, violated even. The person I see in the mirror is a stranger to me. That's not even factoring in the different feelings and sensations I feel now from this body versus before my change.”

“You're right Scott, you were violated in one of the most fundamental ways possible. You were tortured and your entire body was changed against your will, but you are doing your self a a huge disservice by thinking you are weak. True, you weren't physically strong enough to out muscle a genetically modified gorilla. A lot of us meta-humans aren't either, so you aren't being fair to yourself Scott, because in my observations of you I see that you have a rare strength of will that a lot of people do not have. A lot people would have crumbled and given up under the strain you went through Scott but you fought against your situation every day. You are still fighting it for that matter.” She finished, placing her hand on my shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“I don't know what to do Lady Liberty.” I said slumping my shoulders.

“I don't have the answers for you Scott. You have to find the answers to your questions yourself but a good start would be stop fighting what you have no control over. Find a way to make this situation work for you. True, your old life at least for now is altered. Not gone Scott, for despite what you see in the mirror you are still YOU on the inside. No one can take that from you. Do you understand what I'm trying to say Scott?” She asked.

With a sigh I replied, “Yeah, I do. It's still going to be hard Lady Liberty.”

“The entire Freedom League is here and willing to help you on this next step in your journey Scott.” She said giving me a hug again.

“Thank you for letting me get all this off my chest. I feel a lot more at ease now.” I said returning the hug. “I'm also feeling REALLY tired now.” I said with a big yawn.

“I'll let you get to bed then.” She said releasing me from her hug. “Please feel free to talk with me anytime you need to Scott. I mean it!” She insisted with a smile.

“I will. Thank you.” I replied with a warm but tired smile.

With what I want back to my room and crawled in bed. I was asleep almost immediately.